Resident Evil Knights Of The Old Republic
by Liquid
Summary: See what happens when the characters from Resident Evil have to save the galaxy as Knights Of The Old Republic. Note: This is to be my last story on this site.
1. The Endar Spire

Some time ago, in a galaxy that we were better off not knowing about...

Resident Evil Knights Of The Old Republic

Four thousand years before the rise of the Umbrella Empire, the Republic verges on collapse. Darth Wesker, last surviving apprentice of the Dark Lord Revan has unleashed one hell of an ass whoopin on the galaxy.

Crushing all resistance, Wesker's war of conquest has done to the Jedi Order what would be done to the new guy in any episode of OZ. Thousands of Jedi fall in battle every day, as countless more of the traterious little bastards swear allegiance to the new Sith Master.

In the skies above the outer rim world of Taris, a Jedi battle fleet (and by battlefleet I mean one single ship) engages Wesker's forces. Hopelessly outnumbered and outgunned, I really wouldn't want to be in the shoes of these poor bastards.

All was good and quiet as Chris Redfield finished his duty shift aboard the Rebublic starcraft Endar Spire. He clocked out and dragged himself to his quarters for a good night's rest, but then there was an explosion. The whole ship rocked from the blast, and Chris screamed like a girl as he fell out of bed. Alarms were going off everywhere, and more explosions could be heard over them.

Suddenly the door opened and a man burst into the room, looking like he was absolutely terrified. His eyes were wide, a large urine stain covered the front of his pants, and his hands were still holding large clumps of his own hair that he had recently ripped out.

"OH MY GOD"! He screamed as he ran around in circled. "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD"!

This went on for a few more seconds, stopping only after he smacked his head on a low part of the cieling, causing him to fall on his ass.

"What's going on"? Chris asked. "Who are you"?

It took the man a second to recover from being hit on the head.

"Oh, I'm Ensign Brad Vickers". He said. "We work opposite shifts, which is why we've never met". "But as for what's going on, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE"! "We've been ambushed by a Sith battlefleet"!

(Dramatic music is played).

"A Sith battlefleet"? Chris asked.

"Yeah". Brad replied. "And that really sucks for us since every Republic soldier that was worth a damn went over the the Sith when the Jedi Civil War started". "All that's left are the ones that the Sith didn't want, or are actually dumb enough to think that the Republic has a chance in hell of victory".

"Which one are you"?

"Isn't it obvious"?

Chris jumped to his feet, and struck his hero pose.

"Yes, you are just like me"! He proclaimed as inspirational music began to play. "You believe that good will always triumph over evil, and that the Sith will be defeated so that peace and justice will reign forever"! "Long live the Republic"!

"What the hell are you talking about"? Brad asked as he got up. "I got rejected by the Sith seventeen times". "I'm only here right now because the military is the only way that poor people like me can get health insurance".

"Well... I guess that's a good reason for fighting for the Republic".

Another explosion rocked the ship.

"Yeah". Brad continued. "But health insurance ain't worth nothin if you're dead, so I'm off to the escape pods". "I suggest that you put some clothes on and do the same".

Chris looked down, and turned red as he realised that he was still naked. Then he ran over to his foot locker, and started throwing his clothes on. However Brad took off before he was done, so Chris was still struggling to put his boots on as he ran out the door.

It didn't take long to catch up with Brad, who was trying to open a security door. He was about to say something, when a voice came over the intercom.

"Attention all hands". A man's voice said. "Shit's gone to hell up here, and the Sith are making bitches out of the crew". "If anyone is still out there, get to the bridge".

"Oh my God". Brad said as his urine stain got bigger.

"Yeah, I know". Chris replied. "Things look grim for the Endar Spire".

"No, you don't understand". "That voice sounded like Captain Liquid". "If they let him on the bridge, then things are worse than I thought".

"Who's Captain Liquid"?

"He was a fighter pilot who lost his mind in the Mandalorian wars". "He's a criminal and a psycopath".

"Then why would he be on the bridge"?

"I don't know, but we need to get out of here, NOW"!

After another minute of messing with the lock, the security door opened, and they were thrown into a war zone. Ok, technically a war zone is where both sides are fighting, so that is the wrong word for this situation. It was more like a boundless slaughter as the Sith forces murdered Republic soldiers left and right. However it did provide cover for Brad and Chris to sneak their way toward the starboard section of the ship where the escape pods were stored.

Brad opened another security door, and stopped in his tracks as they saw a man and a woman fighting with lightsabers.

"Hold on". He said. "We'll get killed for sure if we get any closer".

It was not long before the womansliced the man in half, and she was walking toward them when she was incinerated by another explosion.

"Crap"! Brad yelled. "She could have protected us". "I mean, she wasn't Jill or anything, but at this point a Jedi is a Jedi".

"Who's Jill"? Chris asked.

Brad looked at him like he was stupid.

"Are you kidding me"? He asked. "Jill is the Jedi who killed Darth Revan, duh". "No wonder the Sith rejected you".

"I never tried to join the Sith". Chris replied.

"I try to convince myself of that too sometimes". "But hey, atleast I was only rejected for physical reasons".

"What's that supposed to mean"?

He started to answer, but was interupted as a dozen Sith soldiers surrounded them from all directions.

"FREZE, MOTHER FUCKERS"! Their leader yelled.

Chris and Brad quickly put their hands up, and the Sith took them into custody.

"That was a lucky break catching you two". The leader said as they were marched down the hall. "We would've never spotted you if you hadn't been standing there like a couple of retards, and now you get the honor of meeting Darth Nikoli".

"Who's Darth Nikoli"? Chris asked.

In response to his question, one of the Sith hit him in the stomach with their rifle.

"Silence". The leader said as they reached a door. "I present to you... Darth Nikoli".

The door opened, and a scary looking man with a double-bladed lightsaber stepped out.

"Hello to all". He said. "I suppose that you two are my new bitches, yes"?

Chris started to say something, but was again hit with the rifle.

"I'll take that as a yes". Nikoli continued. "Now drop'em".

Chris and Brad just stood there with shocked expressions on their faces. A instant later the Sith started hitting them repeatedly with their weapons.

"Are you fucking deaf"? The Sith leader yelled. "If a dark Jedi says to drop'em, then you fuckin drop'em"!

Chris and Brad started sweating as they dropped their pants, and everyone in the room started laughing at them. Brad pissed himself again, and Chris turned red as he pulled up his pants.

"What, you think this is a joke"? Chris yelled. "A tiny dick's like a disability, you know"? "You wouldn't make fun of a guy in a wheelchair, would you"?

"Yes we would". One of the Sith said. "We're the bad guys, remember"?

"I don't like this one". Nikoli said as he pointed at Chris. "I'll take the one who keeps pissing himself, you guys can do whatever with him".

Brad screamed and pissed himself yet again as Nikoli took him away. Then the door closed, and the Sith turned toward Chris.

"We like the way you stood up to Nikoli". The leader said.

"You do"? Chris asked.

"Yes, and to show just how impressed we are, this fight to the death will be a fair one". "So feel free to use all of your weapons to defend yourself against us".

"But... but I don't have any weapons".

"Oh... then I guess that this fight won't be very fair at all". "GET HIM"!

Chris was quickly hit three times before the Sith gave him the chance to fall down. But as soon as he hit the floor a nearby power conduit exploded, electrocuting the entire Sith team. A few seconds later the dead smoldering Sith fell to the floor, and Chris's communicator started beeping.

"This is Liquid". The same voice from before said. "I had to wait until you were on the ground before I could take care of those Sith, and now you have to get to the escape pods".

"Brad said you were a criminal". Chris replied. "Why are you helping me"?

"Well, here's the thing". "I got here just as Jill's escape pod took off, and now there is only one left". "I need an authorized member of the crew in order to activate it, and guess what... you are the only one left alive".

(Dramatic music is played)

"You mean Brad is"? He asked.

"Oh yeah". Liquid replied. "My little stunt with the power conduit fried him to a crisp, but it also sealed the door that the dark Jedi took him through". "Now I imagine that he is pretty upset right about now, so you need to get to the escape pod chamber before he get's to you".

Suddenly a lightsaber blade shot out of the sealed door, and slowly began making a circle for a hole.

"Oh God, what do I do"? Chris yelled.

"I can't have you getting killed before you activate the escape pod". Liquid replied. "So RUN BITCH, RUN"!

Chris got to his feet as quickly as he could, and took off down the hall while trying to follow the signs to the escape pods. Meanwhile the ship continued to shake from the explosions. This made it easier for him to avoid the Sith patrols since they were to busy trying to keep their balance. A minute later he arrived at the escape pod chamber, so he opened the door and collapsed to the ground after recieving a swift kick in the nuts.

"You wanna sneak up on me, huh"? Liquid yelled as he kicked him.

"It's me"! Chris yelled as the kicks kept coming. "It's Chris, it's me, it's Chris"!

Liquid kicked him a few more times, and then stopped.

"Oh, my bad". He said. "I didn't know it was you".

"I said I was Chris"! Chris yelled.

"Well you could have been a Sith named Chris". "Now get off your ass, and get into the escape pod"!

Chris started to get up, but then Liquid grabbed him by the hair, and pulled him into the pod. As soon as Chris was inside the controls started to light up. Liquid then pulled a lever, and the pod shot out of the Endire Spire a few seconds before the entire ship exploded.

"Wow, this isn't good". Chris said. "But atleast you can fly this thing down to the planet, right"?

"Normally, yes". Liquid replied. "But I think I know why this was the last escape pod".

"Why"?

"Well, take a look at this monitor screen".

Chris looked at the screen, and his eyes widened as he read the words on the display:

GUIDANCE CONTROL SYSTEMS STATUS: OUT OF ORDER

PLEASE CONTACT MAINTENANCE PERSONNEL

They just looked at it for a second, and then they both screamed as the pod entered the planet's atmosphere. This screaming continued until the underlying city got alot closer, and everything went black.


	2. Upper City Apartments

In a misty haze the Jedi Jill Valentine could be seen swinging her lightsaber as she battled a masked dark Jedi. She then kicked him in the balls before slicing him in half.

"Ah, the balls kick". She said. "They never see it coming".

Chris gasped as he woke from his sleep, and quickly sat up. He was in what looked like an apartment of some kind, but he couldn't remember anything after seeing the out of order sign on the controls.

"Oh, you're awake". Liquid said as he drank what appeared to be coffee.

"Where are we"? Chris replied. "How did we get here"?

"Well, after the crash I hauled your dumpy ass into the city so we could hide from the Sith". "I hoped to find a decent place to stay, but there were only enough credits on you to pay for this crummy place".

"You took my credits"?

"Yes, I did... well, that and I also had to give the guy your jacket instead of a security deposit".

That certainly explained why Chris did not see his jacket anywhere, but this was an outrage. How could someone just take his things while he was passed out.

"Did you give them anything of your's"? He asked.

"I was going to". Liquid replied. "But all the credits that I looted off the bodies on the Endar Spire went toward my sweet new blaster".

Chris started to get angry, but then he stopped when he remembered that this guy had saved his life on the ship as well as after the crash.

"I guess I shouldn't be angry with you". He said. "After all you saved me, and looked after me".

"Don't mention it". Liquid said. "But to tell you the truth I was gonna sell your body if you had died". "And for awhile there I thought you were gonna because you spent days thrashing around in your sleep like Freddy Kruger was after you or something".

"No, nothing like that". "I was having a dream about Jill". "She was fighting someone... a dark Jedi I think... but it was more like a memory than a dream".

"Yeah, I have dreams about her sometimes myself". "Only in my dreams she is wearing a french maid outfit and there is usually no chance of me pissing the bed".

Chris was confused by this remark at first, but then he looked down at the blankets and quickly jumped out of bed after seeing the gigantic wet spot.

"Oh God, gross"! He yelled. "You just let me lay there in that"?

"Yeah, pretty much". Liquid said. "Well, I wasn't about to let you piss all over my bed". "Anyway, we have bigger problems here". "The Sith have been searching for Jill for a few days now, and there is huge reward for whoever finds her".

"I get it"! Chris yelled. "You plan to rescue Jill in order to show the Republic that you aren't the criminal that they say you are, right"?

"Hell no, I plan to turn her in for the reward, and then get as far away from Republic space as possible". "Because once Jill is toast the Republic doesn't have a prayer".

"What do you mean"? "How can one person, even a Jedi be so important".

Liquid thought about it for a second.

"Well". He said. "Everything I know is just stuff I heard from other prisoners, but they all seem to agree that Jill is the key to the whole war effort". "She does this crazy Jedi thing that makes your enemies unable to beat you, which is how they were able to take out Darth Revan... or so I hear".

This was alot for Chris to take in. One minute he had been just another faceless Republic troop, and now he was quite possibly the only one who could find Jill and rescue her. That would make him a hero of the Republic, and hell... he might even get laid for it. But this would be oftly hard to do on his own, being that he didn't have the slightest clue as to where to begin.

But maybe this Liquid character could help... if Chris could gain his trust and convince him to turn back from his evil ways.

"So... Liquid, was it"? Chris asked.

"Yeah"? Liquid replied as he finished the coffee.

"Why... um... were you in the brig"?

"You know, I often ask myself the same question... and there is only one answer".

"And that would be"?

Suddenly Liquid jumped up, and kicked Chris in the nuts, making him scream as he hit the floor.

"MIND YOUR OWN FUCKIN BUSINESS"! Liquid screamed. "Have I asked you anything about your past"? "Have I poked and prodded you for every detail of your life, huh"? "What the fuck have you ever done in your life that you think makes you worthy of my secrets"?

"I was a scout before joining the Republic". Chris replied. "So I guess nothing because I spent all my time wandering the outer rim". "I just wanted to get to know you better because we're gonna be stuck together for awhile".

"Oh, well why didn't you say so"? "Now we can be the best of friends".

Liquid kicked him again, and then grabbed him by the hair.

"You ever been to prison, you little dick-smack"? He asked. "It changes you".

"Yeah"? Chris replied. "In what way"?

"I used to be black". "I was a soldier once... I was an officer... I was the best damn pilot the Republic ever saw". "But then I was set up by a little prick-monster named Saul Karath".

"What happened"?

(FLASHBACK)

Captain Liquid stepped down from his ship, and smiled as Admiral Karath walked out to meet him.

"I can't believe it's finally over". He said as they shook hands. "Revan's plan at Malachor V worked like a charm, and now peace can finally happen".

"Uh, yeah that's great". Saul replied. "So, um, what are you gonna do now that the Mandalorians are gone"?

"I'm glad you asked, Admiral". "First I'm gonna go back to my family on Telos, and then I'm gonna sell all of my war trophys so that I can feed the poor and maybe even open up a soup kitchen like me and the wife always talked about". "Yes, sir I plan to devote the rest of my life to becoming a force of good in this galaxy".

Admiral Karath just stood there for a second.

"Well... the soup kitchen thing might work". Saul replied. "But, um, Telos... ooooo, maybe not such a hot location".

"What do you mean, Admiral"? Liquid asked.

"Now don't take this the wrong way, Liquid, but Telos is about to be bombed into dust". "You see, we've all joined the Sith, and we want you to come with us on a grand conquest of the entire galaxy".

Liquid just stood there for a second and then started laughing.

"That's good". He said. "The Sith... wow, you really had me going there for a second". "You know that no one here would ever join the Sith bacause they are a bunch of evil...

Liquid stopped in mid-sentence as he noticed that the Admiral was not laughing and that a dozen guards now had him surrounded.

"Take him". Saul ordered.

The guards tackled him to the floor and beat on him for a minute or so before arresting him, and forcing Liquid to stand up.

"Why are you doing this"? Liquid asked.

"Because I'm evil, you dumbshit". Saul replied. "And that evil is what allows me to gain command of Darth Revan's new Sith fleet that is going to blow up Telos tomorrow, while you gain a prison cell along with a three hundred pound fiance named Duke". "Take him away".

Liquid screamed as the guards dragged him off to the holding cells.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"And the Republic just left me there for the last three years". Liquid continued. "Sure I shanked all of my cellmates and got involved in the drug trade, but they just couldn't understand that I was the victim". "My wife and son were killed in the Telos attack, and now that I'm free I can get the hell outa here before anything else fucked up happens".

He dropped Chris, and walked over to a half empty bottle. Then he popped the cork, and shotgunned the whole thing.

"Ah, tarisan ale". He said as he dropped the bottle. "So, you ready to go"?

"Go where"? Chris asked as he got up.

"To find Jill". "I'm gonna need you as a decoy, er, I mean as backup incase I need to escape, er, um, incase things get too rough for one man to handle alone".

Chris was beginning to fill with hope. Somehow through all that he had convinced Liquid to begin the long path of

"LET'S GO CHRIS"! Liquid yelled as he opened the door.

Chris followed him out into the hall, and they had not gone more than ten steps when the door to the next apartment opened, and they were yanked inside. Suddenly they found themselves up against the wall while a slim woman held a vibroblade to their throats.

"Nice try, assholes"! She yelled. "But it's gonna take alot more than that for Holden to get my head"! "However I'll make sure to send him yours as a consilation prize".

"OH GOD, NO"! Chris screamed. "I like my head where it is"!

She just stood there as Chris began to sob, and then she burst out laughing.

"This is what Holden sends after me"? She asked. "A cry baby and some loser who smells like tarisan ale"? "I should kill the two of you just to spare you the pain of living your lives".

"Now hold on a second". Liquid interupted. "There seems to be some mistake". "You see, we don't know who you are, nor do we work for anyone named Hole Dug".

"His name is Holden, and is this the part where I tell you that my name is Dia and I honestly believe that you don't know anything about the three hundred credit reward for my head"?

"Well... yes, that seems about right". "Tell you what, why don't you tell us what happened, and maybe we can solve your problems for you".

Dia hesitated for a second.

"What do you mean"? She asked.

"You see". Liquid continued. "Me and Chris here are phila, um, philan, um, er, good-deed-dooers". "Yeah that's it, and we travel around from planet to planet getting ourselves in all kinds of trouble just for the chance to make a complete stranger's life a little better".

Chris had to admit that it was a great cover story, and there seemed to be a glimmer of hope in Dia's eyes as she slowly lowered the vibroblade. Maybe he really had gotten through to Liquid and he was going to begin his redemption by helping this poor scared woman.

"Do you really think you can help me"? Dia asked.

"No". Liquid replied.

He then drew his blaster and shot her in the head, making Chris scream like a girl as her body hit the floor.

"What the hell was that"? Chris yelled as Liquid began searching her pockets. "You just killed an innocent woman"!

"Innocent people aren't wanted for three hundred credits". He replied as he tossed Chris the vibroblade. "I hope you know how to use this".

"But... but you don't even know what she did"!

"Sure I do... she held a vibroblade at my throat, which is punishable by death in the first court of Liquid". "Alright she's as broke as we are, let's go".

Liquid stood up and started walking toward the elevator.

"Are we just gonna leave her there"? Chris asked.

"Yes". He replied as he pushed the button. "Unless you'd rather explain to the authorities why she's dead".

Chris thought about it for a second, and jumped into the elevator as soon as it opened. A second later the door closed and they started down.


	3. Upper City South

The elevator door opened, and Chris was amazed at how nice looking the city was. Unlike the crummy apartment, this place was clean and well crafted. Well, except for some debris that looked amazingly like what used to be a Republic escape pod.

"Was that our pod"? Chris asked.

"Yeah, I think so". Liquid replied.

"So... our hiding place was only about a hundred feet from where the Sith began looking for us"? "How could you have possibly thought that was a good idea"?

"Hey, you're heavier than you look, alright"? "And keep in mind that I could have found a much better hiding place if I had just left you there to get ass-raped and interrigated by the Sith, you ungrateful little scumbag".

Chris looked at the ground, and felt bad for what he had said. It was true that he would have been captured and killed if Liquid had not dragged him out of the pod. So he looked back up to apoligize, and saw that Liquid was already walking down the street.

"Hey, wait up"! Chris yelled as he ran after him.

After catching up to him, Chris was now starting to grasp just how many Sith were on this planet. There had to be just as many Sith soldiers walking around as there were regular people, but the funny thing was that none of the Sith seemed to notice them.

"How come they're not attacking us"? He asked.

"Because they're all looking for Jill". Liquid replied. "Not a couple of grunts like us"?

"But aren't you a Captain"?

"Why don't you say that a little louder so that the Sith hear us"? "But no, when you go to prison they take your rank away, so everything that I worked for over ten years of loyal service to the Republic means absolutely nothing". "Thank you for reminding me".

They reached another building, and when the door opened they found themselves inside of a large cantina.

"What are we doing here"? Chris asked.

"Ok, Chris, here's the deal". Liquid replied as they walked in. "We are flat broke, and on the planet Taris I only know of a few ways for people like us to make some quick credits". "We can't hire ourselves out as muscle for local crime lords because it takes too long to gain their trust, and we can't collect the bounty on that girl until we get to the lower city... this leaves us only one option left".

"And what is that"?

He followed Liquid into a larger room where people were crowding around small viewscreens. At the other end of this room was a Hutt, and Chris got a bad feeling as he realized that this was the one who Liquid was going to see.

"Ajuur". Liquid said as they reached him. "Long time, no see".

"Liquid"? The Hutt replied. "GET THE FUCK OUT"! "A lifetime ban means exactly what it says"!

"Relax, Ajuur". "I'm not here to compete".

"Good... because you can't... then what do you want"?

Chris was about to ask the same thing, when Liquid suddenly pushed him forward.

"I got some new blood for you". He continued.

"New blood"? Chris asked.

"Who the fuck is this asshole"? Ajuur asked.

"I'd be careful, Ajuur". Liquid replied. "This human standing before you is none other than Chris Redfield a.k.a. The Mysterous Stranger".

Lightning crashed and everyone gasped at the mention of this feared name.

"Bullshit". Ajuur said. "There is no way that this little bitch is him". "He's not even wearing any armor".

"You must be getting old, Ajuur". Liquid replied. "The Republic took all the Mandalorian's weapons and armor after the war ended, remember"?

Ajuur glared at Chris, and then started laughing.

"Ok, then". The Hutt said. "He can fight in the next match, just show him where to go, and there not be any of your bullshit this time, Liquid".

Liquid smiled, and started leading Chris down another long hallway.

"What's going on"? Chris asked.

"I just entered you in a fight for a whole bunch of credits". Liquid replied.

"A fight"? "What kind of fight"?

"The kind where two dumbasses get in the ring and slug it out". "Death matches are illegal, so you got nothin to worry about".

"Why can't you do it"? "And who is this stranger person that you were talking about"?

Liquid laughed and patted Chris on the shoulder.

"I used to compete here when I was on leave". He explained. "Then one day I rig the entire arena floor with permercrete explosives, and BOOM... suddenly death matches are illegal, and I found myself banned from the ring for life". "As for your second question, the stranger was a guy named Bendak Starkiller". "He won over a hundred death matches, but he hasn't shown his face since death matches were banned, so you got nothing to worry about".

Chris was about to say something else, but Liquid shoved him through another door before he could. Everything was black for a second, but then the lights came on, and he found himself inside of what appeared to be a large arena. Hundreds of fans cheered in the stands, and Chris started to feel more confident in himself. Obviously they were there to see how awesome he was, and he would give them one hell of a show.

"Ladies and Gentlemen". The announcer said. "Sit down and shut the fuck up because we're ready to roll"! "In this corner we have a living legend"! "A winner of over a hundred death matches with a name that strikes fear into the hearts of his enemies... if any of them were still alive, that is"! "I give you, out of retirement and without armor for the first time... THE MYSTERIOUS STRANGER"!

The crowd went insane as lightning crashed, and Chris started doing muscle-man poses.

"And in this corner"! The announcer continued. "I give you the best of the best of all the modern duelists"! "The only man with enough courage and power to even enter the ring with such a master"! "I give you the undefeated heavyweight champion of Taris... KING HIPPO"!

The crowd screamed again, and the color drained out of Chris's face as his opponent came hopping into the arena. A very tall and fat man with a burger-king crown on his head and very big boxing gloves in his very big fists.

"You da stranga"? Hippo asked.

Chris shook his head, and King Hippo laughed.

"Ha, you tell good joke"! He yelled. "Wit no armor everyone know who you is, so not stranga no more"! "Funny, funny, now how dis feel"?

He smacked Chris in the face with his glove, making him take a bunch of steps backward before falling on his ass. He started to get up, but King Hippo was already on him. He hit Chris again and again, before jumping up into the air and body slamming him, causing Chris to make a noise that sounded like a dying Giraff.

"Stranga not so tough wit no armor". Hippo said as he continued jumping on him. "Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy".

Chris could no longer move, and this went on for a few more minutes, but then King Hippo stopped and stepped away.

"Dis ain't no fun no more". He said sadly. "I tried, but jus no fun so I quit". "I goin back to Major Circuit... atleas Little Mac put up a fight".

King Hippo sadly walked out of the arena, and Chris was just starting to get some feeling in his legs when the crowd began to cheer his name.

"It's over, it's over, the fight is over"! The announcer said as Chris tried to get up. "It's incredible, even without his armor the Mysterious Stranger resisted all of King Hippo's attacks, and scared him so bad that he ran out of the arena crying like a little girl"! "All hail the Mysterious Stranger, the greatest duelist to ever grace the arena"!

Chris managed to crawl out of the arena as the crowd cheered, and Liquid got him to his feet once he was back in the hall.

"I can't believe it, you won"! Liquid exclaimed. "Let's go to Ajurr and collect the winnings"!

Chris was actually starting to feel happy, but suddenly a large Mandalorian in blue armor pushed Liquid out of the way and shoved Chris up against the wall.

"How dare you, mother fucker"? He yelled.

"Who are you"? Chris asked.

"I'm Bendak Starkiller a.k.a. the Mysterious Stranger"!

Lightning crashed and again the color drained out of chris's face.

"How dare you pose as me"? Bendak yelled. "I outta rip your heart out thru your asshole... in fact... that's a pretty good idea, so prepare for a Fatality mother fucker"!

Chris screamed like a girl and covered his face as Bendak raised his fist, but then there was the sound of three blaster shots, and Chris was no longer being restrained. When he opened his eyes Bendak was dead and Liquid was seraching through his stuff.

"Good job, Chris". Liquid said as he tossed him the old blaster. "Thanks for distracting him for me". "Damn, this plan is working out even better than I thought".

"Plan"? Chris asked. "What plan"?

Liquid ignored him as he finished taking Bendak's stuff, then he walked back to Ajuur and collected a large sum of credits after they cussed eachother out for awhile. Chris was still hurting from King Hippo so by the time he caught up with Liquid he was leaving the cantina.

"Hold on a second". Chris said as they got outside. "We need to talk, and I mean now".

"About what"? Liquid asked as they walked down the street.

"Well, let's start with what the hell just happened in there". "During that whole fiasco, the only time that your face showed even a tiny bit of surprise was when I won, so what the hell was all that"?

"First off, don't yell at me or I'll beat your frickin head in, consider that your warning". "Now as to what happened in the cantina, let me Scooby-Doo it for ya". "We needed credits, and the fastest way I know of to get credits on Taris is by collecting bounties". "But besides the lucky break we got in the apartment building, the only bounty I am aware of is the one for a man named Bendak Starkiller".

"He's the one you just killed, right"?

"Exactly". "Now I hadn't seen Bendak since High School, and because of his armor no one else knew what he looked like being that everyone else who went to school with us died in the war". "He hasn't been seen since death matches were banned, but his enormous ego meant that the only way to draw him out of hiding was to have some dumbass impersonate him". "You were supposed to smear his name with the most horriffic loss in history, but luckily for us the fact that you pretended to be him was enough".

Chris was quiet for a second.

"So... I was bait the whole time"? He asked. "That whole thing was just to collect a bounty"!

"I don't hear you coming up with ways for us to get credits". Liquid replied. "And your welcome for saving your sorry ass yet again".

"It's your fault I was there to begin with"!

"Details, details". "But I do feel kinda bad for that ass beating you took, so I'm gonna use part of these credits to get you all fixed up". "And here we are".

They turned toward a small building and the sign above the door said:

GURNEY'S FREE CLINIC

"How generous of you". Chris grumbled as they walked inside.

As soon as they were inside a service droid walked up to them.

"Welcome to Gurney's Free Clinic". She said. "I am 4Q-2, what seems to be the problem"?

"It's Chris". Liquid said sadly. "He got all messed up in the dueling ring while trying to earn credits for his starving family, and we are poor souls with not a credit to our name".

"Oh, your poor dears". "Please come with me, Chris".

4Q-2 grabbed him and lifted him into the air before slamming him down onto a reclined chair of some kind. He tried to get up, but restraints quickly locked around his wrists and ankles.

"What the hell"? He asked. "Let me go"!

"Now you just relax, dear". 4Q-2 replied. "The doctor will be with you shortly".

An instant later the back door opened, and an excited looking man ran out.

"A patient"? He asked. "Really"? "Oh goody, let's just get something for the pain"!

"Here you are, Dr. Gurney". 4Q-2 said as she handed him a mask that was connected to a gas cylinder.

"Oh cool". Chris said. "Atleast I get sedated".

"Oh it's not for you". Gurney replied. "It's for me".

He put the mask on and took a deep breath as music began to play.

"Now when I was younger, just a bad little kid". Gurney sang. "My mama noticed funny things that I did, like shootin puppies with a BB gun". "I'd poison guppies, and when I was done I'd find a pussycat and bash in its head... that's when mama said:

"What did she say"? 4Q-2 sang.

"She said 'my boy someday you will find a way to make your natural tendancys pay'...

He whipped the sheet off a nearby table, making Chris scream as it revealed tools and instruments that looked like they belonged in a torture chamber.

"You'll be a dentist"! Gurney sang. "You have a talent for causing things pain, be a dentist, people will pay you to be inhumane"!

"Here is is, the leader of the plaque". 4Q-2 sang. "Look at the way he sucks up that gas". "He's a dentist and he'll never be no good... cause he learned his trade in the hood".

Gurney grabbed the nearest drill, and Chris screamed as he came closer.

"Wait a minute, I'm not numb"! He sang.

"Shut up, open up, here I come"! Gurney sang. "I am your dentist, I enjoy the carear that I picked... and I get off on the pain I inflict"!

He started up the drill again.

"Now say Ah". Gurney sang as he started work.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH"! Chris screamed.

"Say Ah".

"AHHHHHHHHHHH"!

Say Ah".

"AHHHHHHHHHHH"!

"And spit"!

The music stopped, and Chris fell on the floor as the restraints were released. Gurney and 4Q-2 vanished into the back room, and Chris's mouth hurt as he walked back over to Liquid.

"There, all better". Liquid said. "Told you I'd get ya all fixed up".

Chris grumbled his rage as they walked out the door and back onto the street.


	4. Upper City North

After walking down the street for the longest time, Chris and Liquid came across a terrified man who was cornered by two armed thugs. The man looked like he was about to piss himself, while the thugs seemed to just get more angry.

"Davik says you haven't paid any of his money back yet". The human thug said. "Two hundred credits is alot of money to just skip out on".

"But I don't have that much". The man replied. "How can I pay back what I don't have"?

"What does Davik look like"? The Aquilish thug asked.

"What"?

"Are you deaf, what does Davik look like mother fucker"?

The man hesitated for a second, now shaking with fear.

"Well... he's white". The man began. "And, um... in his fourtys I think"?

"Does he look like a bitch"? The Aquilish thug asked.

"No, no of course not".

"THEN WHY WOULD YOU TRY TO FUCK HIM LIKE ONE"?

"It's been three months, mother fucker". The human thug said. "Either you pay now, or we're gonna take it outa your ass".

The man screamed and tried to look for a way out, but there was none.

"Help"! He screamed. "Someone please help"! "They're going to kill me"! "HELP"!

Chris started toward them, but Liquid grabbed him by the back of the shirt and pulled him back as the two thugs began to kick the living hell out of the man.

"What are you doing"? Chris exclaimed. "He needs our help"!

"Don't you dare". Liquid replied. "He brought this on himself".

They stomped the man a few more times, and then picked him up. They carried him to the edge of the street, and tossed him into what seemed to be a bottomless drop, before walking away like nothing happened.

"Ok, let's go". Liquid said as he started walking.

"Hold it"! Chris yelled as he grabbed Liquid's shoulder. "We need to talk, and I mean right mother fucking now"!

Liquid sighed as he turned to face Chris.

"What"? He asked.

"The hell do you mean what"? Chris asked. "You just stood there and watched while that poor innocent man got beat up and executed for no reason"!

"Poor and innocent, my ass". "I got bigger problems to worry about than some dickhole who can't manage his own finances".

Chris was enraged by Liquid's complete lack of regard for human life, and now was the time to teach him what it was like to feel pain and suffering. So he balled up his fist and took a swing, but this grand moment was ended when Liquid caught his fist and twisted it behind his back.

"I understand your anger, and that's why you're still alive". Liquid said as he restrained him. "You and ninty five percent of all sentient life forms are always ready to rush in and save the 'poor innocent man' who is being pestered by the 'criminals', but what you don't realize is that organized criminals don't just pick someone at random to demand credits from".

"What are you talking about"? Chris asked.

"How would it make you feel if you let someone borrow alot of credits, and then they just said 'fuck you' and took off"? "You would be pretty angry, yes or no"?

"Yes".

"Ok, now think about this". "What happens when someone gets a loan from a bank or the Republic for a landspeeder or education or something and doesn't pay it back"?

"They get whatever they bought reposessed, or they go to a debter prison, or...

"Or on some planets they get executed for skipping out on taxes or debts, right"?

"I guess so".

"So if thoes had been Republic tax collectors after that guy would you have been so willing to save him"?

"No".

"This is no different". "Even if the one you borrowed credits from is an infamous criminal, a debt is a debt".

Liquid let go of Chris, who instantly turned back around to face him. He thought about taking another swing at him, but decided against it.

"What else are these people supposed to do, huh"? Chris asked. "What can they do if there are no jobs and they have no food"? "What choice do they have other than to borrow money from someone who has it"?

"Is that what we did, Chris"? Liquid replied. "We had no credits and no food, but I don't remember borrowing anything from anyone, do you"?

"Well... no".

"No, we didn't". "We gathered bounties, and competed in the dueling arena".

"But that's different".

Liquid smacked him in the side of the head.

"How are we different"? He asked. "Look at us, we are not special by any means". "Hell, except for being two of the main characters in this story, there ain't a damn bit of difference between us and any of these poor slobs on this planet". "Any idiot can shoot a wanted man in the back or get his ass beat in the dueling ring". "Hell, even the losers get a percentage of the profits". He could have hired himself out as a punching bag and had more than enough credits to feed his family or whatever".

Without another word Liquid resumed walking down the street, and after pondering these thoughts for awhile, Chris joined him. However they had not gone more than a few hundred yards when they were approached by three guys who were obviously trashed outa their brains.

"What the fuck, slummie"? One of them asked.

"Slummie"? Chris and Liquid asked.

"What are you doin here, slummie"? "Shouldn't you be back in the slums where you belong"?

"What's a slummie"? Chris asked.

"YOU'RE A FUCKING SLUMMIE"! They all screamed.

"Ok, here we go". Liquid said. "Just too bad there's not a price for these guys".

Liquid started forward, but Chris stopped him.

"Hold on a second". He said.

"What now"? Liquid asked.

"This is my chance to prove to you that your views are wrong". "Give me a chance to handle this my way and I will show you that there is good inside of everyone".

Liquid just looked at him for a second, and then smirked before stepping back. Then Chris put his shoulders back as he walked up to the three guys.

"Gentlemen". Chris began. "I would like to start by apoligizing for any offence that me and my friend here might have caused you". "I realize that this whole 'slummie' thing is just some kind of misunderstanding, and we would like to buy you guys a drink in order to show you that there are no hard feelings".

They just stared at him for a second, and then turned away to whisper amongst themselves. Chris gave Liquid a thumbs up, and then the three guys turned back around.

"Well, we talked about it". The first one said. "We feel that it is one hell of a noble gesture for you to come up to us and try to resolve our differences peacefully". "We believe that your intentions are good and honorable, but WE DON'T WANT NO SLUMMIE BEER"!

Suddenly all three of them kicked Chris in the chest at the same time, and walked away laughing as he fell on his ass. It took him a second to get up, and Liquid was just standing there waiting for him.

"You sure showed me". Liquid laughed. "I now see how wrong I was about everything, and I'm gonna go back to my home planet in order to rethink the last few years". "But then again my home planet was bombed into nothing by the Sith, but maybe you in your wisdom can show me the good in that, too".

Chris hung his head as he continued to follow Liquid down the street. It was about noon by now, and people were starting to look for shade while they walked. There was a large patch of shade nearby, and Chris and Liquid discovered that an older man was using this space to preach to a small crowd.

"Hear me, my brothers and sisters"! He preached as they walked up. "There is a terrible blight upon the land, and it is our sworn duty as humans to drive this filth from our beautiful planet"!

"Is he talking about the Sith"? Chris asked.

"I doubt it". Liquid replied. "I think this time we should just move on".

They started to walk away, but then the crowd fell silent.

"And where are you two going"? The preacher asked.

"Oh, we're not part of your group". Chris said as they kept walking.

He turned back around to keep going, but then he and Liquid gasped and jumped back as they saw that the preacher was now in front of them.

"My brothers". He continued. "This blight I speak of is not of the Sith or of the foul aliens that walk the surface". "No, I speak of the Darkspawn hoard that threatens us from the undercity, which is why I, Duncan, have formed the Grey Wardens in order to venture down into the undercity and stop this threat before the whole planet is lost". "It is the duty of each man to stand against the Darkspawn, and we need you for this undertaking". "Are you with us, brothers".

"No". Liquid replied. "You're a crazy old man, and I am

Duncan responded to this by roundhouse kicking Liquid in the head, making him do a backflip before hitting the ground.

"Holy crap"! Chris exclaimed.

"And what about you, brother"? Duncan asked. "Are you with us"?

"Um, yeah". "Of course... um, those, uh, Darkspawn are evil, yeah they sure are".

"So you're joining us then"?

"Are you gonna kick me if I say yes"?

"No".

"Then yes"!

The crowd cheered as they grabbed Chris and dragged him back into the shade spot, where Duncan was already waiting. The others continued to hold him while a large coffee mug was brought out that was filled with what looked like blood.

"All you have to do is drink this Darkspawn blood". Duncan explained. "And you will become a full fledged Grey Warden, ready to fight the Darkspawn to the death".

"Is that really blood"? Chris asked.

"No, it's sugar free kool-ade, OF COURSE ITS BLOOD"! "Although they do taste similar". "So drink up"!

They brought the cup closer, and it seemed like Chris was going to have to drink it, when a group of Sith soldiers approached the group.

"What the hell is all this"? The leader asked. "Taris is under martial law, and that means that any organized gathering of three or more people is punishable by death, execution to commence now".

The troopers opened fire on Duncan's group, and Chris ran away as they were gunned down. He kept running and running until he couldn't go any further, so he turned down another street and hid around the corner. He waited for a second, and started to relax once he realized that no one was following him. But then he felt a hand on his shoulder and screamed as he jumped back.

"What kept you"? Liquid asked.

"Liquid"? Chris asked as he started to calm down. "How did you get here so fast"?

"Well I was gonna shoot that guy who kicked me, but then I saw the Sith coming, so I decided to save my own skin".

"You just left me there"?

"Yeah because you did so much after Duncan knocked me on my ass". "Grown up, Chris".

"Alright, I guess we're even... so what do we do now"?

"We go down to the lower city".

"The undercity"? "Isn't that where the Darkspawn are"?

Liquid shook his head.

"No doofey". He said. "The lower city is between the upper and under city". "It's where we can collect the credits for those bounties, and we should find a better place to hide".

"Great, let's go". Chris replied.

"Well the elevator is right over there, and all we have to do in order to use it is get that Sith guard to let us".

Chris looked and saw that there was a single Sith guard standing in front of the elevator.

"So should we just ask him"? He asked.

"Stranger plans have worked". Liquid replied.

They walked up to the guard, and he immediatly hit Chris with a stun rod, making him scream as he fell down.

"Hold it right there, Civilian". The guard said as Chris got up. "This elevator is off limits to anyone who is not on official Sith business, and since you are not in a Sith uniform it is obvious that you are not on official Sith bunsiness".

"So, if I was in a Sith uniform I could go in"? Chris asked.

"That is correct".

"Let me get this streight... what you are telling me is that any jackoff who puts on a Sith uniform can use this elevator".

"Pretty much, yeah".

"Then how do you tell who's who"? "I mean, you guys all look exactly the same".

The guard grunted, obviously annoyed by this statement.

"We all look alike, huh"? The guard asked. "What the hell is that supposed to mean"? "Is he always this racist"?

"Believe me, there's a pattern". Liquid replied.

"No, I'm not racist". Chris explained. "I'm just trying to use the elevator".

"Well you can't". The guard continued. "Because you don't look

Suddenly Liquid came forward and bounced the guard's head off the control panal, making him collapse as the elevator doors opened.

"Ok, let's go". He said.

"Are you crazy"? Chris yelled. "You just attacked a Sith soldier"! "As soon as he reports this to his superiors there are gonna be dozens of them after us"!

Liquid just shook his head again.

"Chris, how much do you know about the Sith"? He asked.

"Well, they're evil, and um". Chris began.

"Ok, check it out". "In the Sith military the price of failure on any level is death". "I can promise you that the guard won't say a word to anyone about this, because if he reports that he was unable to stop us from taking the elevator they will have him executed".

"Really"?

"Yes, so let's go before someone sees us".

They quickly got into the elevator, and the doors closed before they started down.


	5. Lower City Apartments

The elevator creaked and groaned as it went down, making Chris more and more nervous. It seemed like it could fall at any moment, but Liquid seemed completely calm. Was he not aware of the elevator's condition? Or did he just not care?

"Ok, Chris". Liquid said. "In a few minutes we will be in the lower city, and I think you should know that it is a dangerous place".

"Are you kidding me"? Chris asked. "This whole planet is a dangerous place".

"There ain't nothing dangerous about the upper city as long as you're not a complete idiot, but the lower city is a different story".

"How so"?

"Well, the upper city is where the rich get to live, and I'm pretty sure that that the business men up there won't just kill you because they're having a bad day". "The lower city is where the common people and the swoop gangs hang out".

"Swoop gangs"?

"Yeah, bloodthirsty gangs who would rather kick your ass and penetrate you against your will than give you the time of day". "The worst ones are the Bloods and the Crips, but I'm wearing neutral gang colors so there is nothing to worry about".

"What about the colors that I'm wearing"?

Liquid looked at his clothes for a second and started snickering, making Chris swallow hard as the elevator stopped. Then the doors opened, and Chris relaxed as he saw that no one was there.

"Ok". Liquid said as they stepped out. "The first thing we need to do is find a new place to stay, and I know of some apartments that are gonna be just

He was interupted as a bunch of scary guys wearing red grabbed them, and shoved them against the wall.

"What the fuck do we have here"? Their leader asked. "A couple of dumbshits who think its funny to trespass on Bloods territory, huh"?

He walked up to Liquid first, and after a second of looking at his clothes, snapped his fingers, and the others let him go.

"Good news, mother fucker". He continued. "You get to live because not only are you smart enough to be wearing neutral gang colors, but also because you look like someone who might work for Drulla the Hutt". "Now I don't need no bad shit with no Hutt, so you free to go".

Next he walked up to Chris, and after a second of looking at his clothes, punched him in the stomach so hard that he doubled over.

"What the fuck, cracker"? He yelled. "You think its cool to wear those colors around here like you some kinda badass, huh"? "Well guess what, not only are we gonna kick your ass, but we also gonna penetrate you against your will"!

"I told ya". Liquid said.

"Take this mother fucker away"!

Chris screamed as they started dragging him off, but then a bunch of guys wearing blue came around the corner.

"Aw, crap". Liquid said as they all raised their blasters.

It took less than a second for the shooting to start, and no matter where Chris and Liquid ran, the blaster shots kept following them. They ran and ran until finally finding shelter on the other side of an apartment building door. It took them a second to catch their breath, but they didn't relax until after the blaster shots stopped outside.

"Hey, this is the place". Liquid said as he looked around. "The apartments I told you about".

"I can't believe you"! Chris yelled.

"What is it this time"?

"You were gonna let them penetrate me"!

"Chris, it is not my fault that you start shit no matter where we go". "I mean, what were you thinking wearing those colors in gang territory"?

"I'VE NEVER BEEN TO THIS PLANET BEFORE"!

"Then you should have taken some time to fimiliarize yourself with your surroundings before going down to the lower city".

"But you... I... you... THAT IS IT"!

Chris started to walk away.

"Where you goin"? Liquid asked.

"None of your business". He replied as he walked. "I'm gonna go and

He was interupted as he bumped into someone wearing leather with long hair and sunglasses. Before he could react the big guy turned around, grabbed him by the shirt collar and lifted Chris off his feet.

"Woah there, son"! He yelled. "You are much to close for comfort"!

"Who are you"? Chris asked.

"Who am I"? "Who the fuck am I"? "I'm the Dog, the big bad Dog... BOUNTY HUNTER"!

He headbutted Chris twice and tossed him on the ground before adjusting his shades.

"That's right". Dog continued. "I'm the hardcore badass ex-con who makes his living by taking down little wannabe punks who think they got what it takes to be criminals... like these poor bastards".

He suddenly drew his blaster and shot a couple of guys who were walking down the hall. Then he holstered it, and stepped on Chris as he walked away.

"Cause I'm the Dog". He sang as he left. "The big bad Dog... BOUNTY HUNTER"!

The door closed, and Liquid just shook his head as Chris got to his feet.

"If you're finished getting into trouble". He said. "I need to find us an apartment to lay low".

"Oh no, mother fucker". Chris said as he stopped him. "Not this time".

"What is your problem this time"?

"My problem"? "My problem is that everywhere you take us, I end up getting beaten, robbed, shot at, or operated on". "But that shit ends now because I will be the one who finds our new hiding place". "A place where there are no street-toughs, criminals, or anyone else of the psycopath nature".

"Street-toughs"? "Whatever, Chris... if you think that you can do a better job then by all means go ahead".

Chris just stood there for a second.

"Really"? He asked. "You aren't gonna hit me or anything"?

"Nope". Liquid replied. "In fact I can't wait to see what you can do".

Chris got an ear to ear grin, and struck his hero pose.

"Of course you can't". He said. "I'm just glad that you finally realize how much better of a leader I can make than you". "Oh yes, not only will I find us a safe place to hide, but it will be the best place that your sorry ass has ever had the honor of staying".

Liquid just watched as Chris looked around for a second. He looked down both halls, and then walked over to the closest apartment door.

"And here it is". He said as he pushed the button. "And you're not gonna believe this".

The door opened, and Chris's grin faded as he found a blaster barrel shoved into his nose.

"Oh shit". Was all he could say before being dragged into the darkness.

The door closed and the lights came on, revealing that it was a middle-aged woman who was now threatening his life.

"Hands up"! She ordered as she pushed him around. "Get up against the fucking wall"! "I don't know how you found me, but Drulla the Hutt is gonna have to send better than you if he wants to kill Selven"! "Or did he forget that I am the most dangerous assassin on Taris"?

"There's been a mistake"! Chris yelled. "I'm not

His words were stopped as she hit him in the mouth with her blaster.

"There's been a mistake alright". Selven continued. "You made it when you tried to sneak up on me, but now you're gonna pay the price so get undressed, mother fucker".

"What"? He asked.

"I said get undressed, you stupid son of a bitch"! "That means take off your clothes right the hell now or I'm gonna fill you full of more holes than the asshole-day parade"!

"There's an asshole-day parade"?

"SHUT THE FUCK UP"! "TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF NOW"!

About an hour passed as Liquid leaned against the wall, and then the door opened and a naked Chris fell into the hall, followed by his clothes a second later. He then got into a fetal position, and sucked his thumb as he started crying.

"You're right, Chris". Liquid said. "I don't believe it". "What the hell just happened in there"?

"She touched me where I make pee-pee"! Chris sobbed.

"Well, hey good job". "I didn't know you had it in ya". "Anyway I found us a place down the hall, so come on... unless you want to spend more time in there with her".

Chris grabbed his clothes, and ran screaming into the next apartment.

"What the fuck"? A man yelled.

Chris came running back out a second later.

"Other side of the hall, Chris". Liquid said.

He dove into the apartment, and started getting dressed as Liquid walked in.

"Alright, now that you got to have your fun". Liquid began. "Here is the plan".

"How can you think of a plan at a time like this"? Chris asked.

"A time like what, Chris"?

"I just had a tramatic experience that I need time to work through".

"What are you, a fourteen year old girl"? "You had sex, Chris". "Believe it or not, that's a good thing, especially because people like you usually die virgins".

"What the hell do you know"? "You didn't just get sexually assaulted at blasterpoint"!

"You're right, maybe I should go see her myself later if we have time". "Anyway the first thing we need to do is see Drulla the Hutt to collect those bounties, and then we need to go see the leader of the Crips".

Chris's jaw dropped.

"The guys who tried to rape me"? He yelled. "Are you insane"?

"No, dumbass". Liquid replied. "The Crips are the ones in blue, and if anyone knows where to find a missing Jedi named Jill, it will be Gaddon". "The dude knows everything that happens in the lower city, so that's our best bet".

Chris finished getting dressed, and followed Liquid out of the apartment.

"Oh, Chris". Selven called from inside her apartment. "Interested in making another attempt on my life"?

Chris responded to this by screaming as he ran out of the apartment building, and all Liquid could do was shake his head as he followed.


	6. Lower City Streets

"Ok". Liquid continued as they walked through the lower city. "When we get to Javyer's cantina I want you to stay right with me, and for God's sake don't say anything to anyone... especially to Drulla".

"Who's Drulla"? Chris asked.

"Oh nobody important, just the Hutt who controls the bounty hunting trade for this entire frickin planet". "Just remember to let me do the talking, and he probably won't have you executed".

"Ok, Liquid I gotta ask you something".

"What"?

"You were put into a Republic prison at the end of the Mandalorian War, right"?

"Uh, huh".

"And if you just got out, how is it possible for you to know all these people and to have been to all these places"?

"Well, some of them were were on the same prison block, and others I hooked up with during one or more of my thirty seven escapes".

"Escapes"? "You mean you broke out before"?

Liquid laughed at this remark.

"What did you think"? He asked. "That I just sat in my cell like a good boy after Saul Karath bombed my planet to dust"? "Should I have just waited for them to wake the hell up after my wife Gabrielle was incinerated by a Sith battlefleet"? "They were gonna leave me there for the rest of my life, so why the hell should I make it easy for them"?

"But didn't you tell them that you were innocent"? Chris asked.

"Ah, to be young and naive again". "I'm sure that someday a long time from now in a galaxy far, far away there will be a justice system that actually cares who is guilty or not". "But in the grand and glorious Republic if you say that you're innocent they piss in a cup and throw it at you".

"That's horrible". "No wonder you're such a twisted freak".

"Glad you understand, but we're here so keep quiet".

Chris stopped talking as they walked up to a door that was guarded by a big scary looking man. He just glared at them, making Chris want to run away, but Liquid walked right up to him.

"Roses are red". Liquid began.

"Violets are blue". The bouncer replied.

"Nobody's".

"Sweeter".

"Than".

"You".

The bouncer stepped aside, and opened the door for them. Liquid stepped inside followed by Chris, and then the door closed behind them. They were now in a place that looked like a ghetto version of the cantina in the upper city, but instead of nobles and businessmen, this place was filled with street thugs and killers.

"Why would you bring us here"? Chris whispered.

"I told you". Liquid replied. "I need to see Drulla in order to get paid for the bounties". "Its just lucky for us that after two years I still remember the password to get in". "However there is a bit of bad news".

"What"?

"I can't seem to remember the password to get out, but don't worry because I'm pretty sure that it will come back to me".

The color began to drain from Chris's face as he began to follow Liquid inside.

"Oh God". He said as they walked. "We're gonna get our asses kicked again, aren't we"?

"You will if you keep showing weakness". "These people can sense your fear like animals, so the important thing to do is to remain calm".

Suddenly a gigantic man with a beard grabbed Liquid and roared like the t-rex on jurassic part, making Liquid scream as he was lifted into the air. The big man then tossed him across the cantina, where he crashed through a table and didn't move.

"HA HA"! The big man yelled. "I made the little man fly like a bird"!

Chris tried to be real quiet as he began to walk away, but was stopped when a girl stuck her blaster into his back.

"And where do you think you're going"? She asked.

"Apparently nowhere". He replied as she pushed him back over to the big guy.

"That's right, you're smarter than you look... which isn't that hard to believe". "Your friend got off easy with such a mild ass beating, but you won't be so lucky". "Barry, table".

The big guy suddenly grabbed Chris and slammed him down on the nearest table.

"Who are you"? Chris asked. "Why are you doing this"?

"Of course, where are my manners"? She asked as she began searching his pockets. "I'm Ashley, and this big scary bastard is Barry".

"I will crush your bones into dust"! Barry replied.

Ashley kept searching him, and then left with Barry after taking everything in Chris's pockets. A few of the customers snickered and pointed at him, and a minute later Liquid walked over.

"Way to watch my back, Chris". He said as he rubbed his head. "I didn't bring you along just for your sparkling personality, you know".

"I don't even know what the hell just happened". Chris replied. "The big guy held me down while the girl took my credits, and then they people laughed at me, and

His rantings were stopped when Liquid smacked him in the mouth.

"Are you trying to get us killed"? He asked. "Don't say another damn word until we get outa here, or so help me I will kill you a second before these animals kill me". "Now let's move".

Chris jumped up and down in frustration a few times before grumbling as he followed Liquid into another chamber where a Hutt was sitting.

"Liquid"? The Hutt asked as they walked up. "Holy crap, I thought you were dead".

"Hi, Drulla". Liquid replied. "Not dead, just got put back in prison again".

"Wow". Chris said. "You mean someone on this planet is actually happy to see you"?

Drulla's eyes shifted to Chris.

"Who's the girl"? The Hutt asked.

"That's a guy, believe it or not". Liquid replied. "Unless you want to buy him as a dancer, then he's a girl".

"I am not a girl"! Chris yelled.

"No thanks". Drulla replied. "I like my women with longer hair". "So what brings you here, Liquid"? "You aren't looking for a place to hide again, are you"?

"Not this time". Liquid said. "I just got some bounties to collect, and I'll be on my way".

Drulla started laughing.

"Of course". He said. "I heard about Dia and Bendak, you sly little bastard". "And I also heard that your friend became the latest victim of Selven".

Liquid and Drulla both had a good laugh about that as the credits were exchanged, but then Liquid became serious.

"I need a favor, Drulla". He said.

"Name it". Drulla replied.

"I forgot the password to get out, can you give us a hand"?

"Sure, I'll quite literally help you out... GUARDS"! "Throw these two cocksuckers out"!

"Thanks, Drulla".

The guards grabbed them and dragged them to the door before tossing them into the street. Then the door closed, and they got to their feet.

"Glad that's over". Liquid said as he started walking. "And now we need to see Gadon".

Chris couldn't help but wonder how Liquid could just move from one horrible situation to the next like it was nothing. They had almost been killed a hundred times in the last few hours, and now he was leading them to the leader of one of the most notorious swoop gangs on the planet. Where oh where would the madness end?

"Ok, let's try this again". Liquid said as they approached another door with a guard. "Do nothing, touch nothing, say nothing, got it"?

Chris nodded as they reached the door, and again Liquid walked up to the guard.

"Hi". He said. "We would like to speak with Gadon".

"Fuck off, wonderbread". She replied. "Gadon don't like no crackers". "Now get the hell outa here before I show you just how bad the Crips can fuck your world up".

"Ok, since you put it that way I guess we have no choice".

Liquid started to step away, but then he slugged her in the mouth, making her collapse to the ground.

"Sweet dreams". He said as he hit the control button.

"Ok, this has gotta stop". Chris said as the door opened. "I know you can get away with that with the Sith, but these people are gonna kill us"!

"What do you mean, these people"? A voice said from inside.

"I hate you, Chris". Liquid said as a dozen Crips grabbed them and pulled them inside.

They were dragged to the back of the room where a bald guy and a twilek woman were waiting.

"Well, what do we have here"? He asked.

"They're Sith spies, Gadon"! The twilek yelled. "I say string'em up"!

"Calm down, Zedra, these ain't no Sith". "This one here is one of Drulla's lackeys, but this one likes a piece of shit Republic soldier". "You one of those fools looking for that girl"?

"You mean Jill"? Chris asked.

"Yeah, that's the one". "Bad news, honkey, the girl's been captured by the Bloods and taken to a secret location that is hidden so well that even the Bloods might never see her again". "But if you two dumbasses help us out with a little job, then we just might have a way for you to get your girl back". "Interested"?

Liquid and Chris both nodded.

"Good, cause I'd hate to have to kill you guys". Gadon continued. "Ok, the Bloods stole a super bad swoop bike engine from us, and we want you to get it back". "Go down into the under city and see a girl named Ashley". "She will show you the way in, then all you gotta to is swipe the goods and bring it back here". "Any questions"? "No"? "THEN GET THE FUCK OUT"!

The Crips dragged them to the door and once again they found themselves eating the dirt as the door closed behind them.

"That went better than I thought". Liquid said as they got up.

"Are you serious"? Chris asked. "Just how did you think it would go"?

"Well for one I thought they were gonna kill you". "But good news: YOU'RE ALIVE"! "Let's move on".

At this point Chris's brain was numb, and he just kept following Liquid until they came to a man in a cheap suit who was talking to a couple of guys who were obviously Bloods.

"Davik says you guys been missing payments again". He said. "Now how come the Crips always pay on time but you guys are always tryin somethin to get out of it"?

"Fuck Davik"! One of the Bloods said.

"Yeah, fuck him up the ass"! The other one added. "Let's see the big bad crime lord come down here and take it from us".

The cheap suited guy just shook his head and whistled, and the Bloods froze as another guy came around the corner with a really big repeating blaster rifle.

"Aw crap, it's Leon". One of the Bloods said.

"Damn right it is". Leon replied. "And you cocksuckers shoulda paid Davik when you had the chance".

He pulled the trigger, and the force from the blaster made him scream as he was spun around in circles. Liquid and Chris dove behind a wall as everything within a hundred feet was shot to hell, but then Leon let go of the trigger and stumbled for a second before realizing that the Bloods and the other guy were all dead.

"Well... uh". Leon said as he looked around. "Let that, um, be a lesson to you".

He walked away without another word, and a minute later Chris and Liquid came out of hiding.

"Who the hell was that"? Chris asked.

"Looked like a Mandalorian to me". Liquid replied as they started walking. "Apparently this Davik person is an equal opportunity employer".

They continued on until they reached the end of the street, where yet another elevator awaited them.

"What can I exepect in the under city"? Chris asked as the door opened.

"Don't know". Liquid replied as they got in. "I've never been to the under city before".

Chris swallowed hard as the door closed, and they started down.


	7. Village Of The Outcasts

"Ok". Chris said as he paced back and forth. "I may have been unprepared because this is my first time on Taris, but now that my skin has been toughened by my struggles in the upper and lower cities, I am ready for anything". "It's gonna be like HE-YAW"!

He did a Bruce Lee scream as he began punching the air, then he attemped a spin kick that ended with him bouncing off the wall a second before landing on his ass.

"Chris, can I ask you a personal question"? Liquid asked as Chris got to his feet.

"Sure". He replied. "But be prepared for the answer".

"Ok, you said you used to be a scout before getting signed on with the Republic, right"?

"Yeah, I spent most of my life wandering the outer rim". "I scouted new hyperspace routes, discovered planets that people like you have never even heard of, and such". "That's how I learned all those alien languages". "So what was your question"?

Liquid had to think for a second.

"I'm not sure about the best way to word this". He said. "And I don't want you to take this the wrong way... but how the fuck did you manage to survive by yourself on the outer rim"? "Or anywhere for that matter"?

"What do you mean"? Chris asked.

"I mean how in the hell did you not get yourself killed before now". "I mean with the way you act, it's like you were one of those kids that got home-schooled for eighteen years, and then got tossed into the real world without a damn clue". "I've had to save your life a dozen times already today, and it's only about two thirty in the afternoon". "I mean, were you born a complete moron, or was it a gradual process from years of Mountain Dew and MTV"?

Chris just stood there with his mouth hanging open for a second, but then his face got red with anger at this assormtent of terrible insults.

"A moron, huh"? Chris asked with an angry voice. "I'll have you know that my service record was exemplery before the Endar Spire got butt-raped by the Sith, and I got stuck on this shithole planet with you". "And I'll also have you know that except for when you electrocuted the Sith who were gonna execute me, which I am very grateful for by the way, every time that you have had to save my life was because you did something horrible that put my life in danger in the first place".

"You don't make good bait if you know there's no danger, Chris". Liquid replied.

"My life was perfect before I met you"! "There were a hundred and twelve crewmembers on that ship, and out of all of them that I could have gotten stuck with, who did I get"? "A common soldier"? "No". "A bridge officer"? "No". "The fucking janitor"? "No". "I got stuck with a lunatic escaped-prisoner who is just as likely to get me killed as if I was to hand myself over to the God damn Sith, that's who".

"Are you about done"?

"NO"! "I am tired of following you into one fucked up situation after another". "What's next, a bank heist"? "Burning down a building for insurance"? "Or are you just gonna sell my body to medical science"?

"Actually I did that while you were unconscious, but the good news is that they don't collect until you die on your own".

"YOU SON OF A BITCH"!

He screamed his rage and punched at Liquid, who stepped out of the way at the same time that the elevator door opened. This made Chris stumble out and fall on his face in the dirt.

"Feel better"? Liquid asked as he leaned on the doorway.

"No"! Chris yelled as he got up. "But I will once I'm a long ways away from you"! "You think I need you"? "I don't need anyone"! "I am gonna be perfectly fine on my own, and I'm gonna rescue Jill because I am Chris mother-fuckin Re

He was interupted as three masked thugs grabbed him and tossed him on the ground. They kicked him for awhile, and then two of them held his arms while the third held a knife to his neck.

"Hey there, upworlder"! He yelled. "You forgot to pay the toll"!

"What toll"? Chris asked. "Who are you"?

He responded by punching him in the mouth six times before putting the knife back at his throat.

"This is our elevator, son"! He continued. "And you get to use it for the low price of everything in your fucking pockets, so give us the credits"!

"But I don't have any credits". Chris whined.

"DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID"? "We know... we know... we know that all who come from the upworld are rich"! "So if you don't wanna give us your credits, then I guess we're just gonna have to take it out of your ass"! "You ever had your shit pushed in, mother fucker"?

"LIQUID HELP"!

"Whatever for"? Liquid asked. "You don't need me". "You're Chris Redfield, you don't need anyone".

"Please Liquid, I'll do anything, just don't let them do this to me"!

"I don't know, Chris". "You said some pretty hurtful things in the elevator".

"I'M SORRY"! "I didn't mean any of it"! "JUST SAVE ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD"!

Liquid thought about it for a second, then he aimed his blaster and shot the thug's leader in the back of the head.

"Oh shit". The other thugs said as they dropped Chris.

They ran off, and Liquid put his blaster away as Chris got to his feet.

"You ready to go"? He asked.

"Just like that"? Chris replied.

"Just like what"?

"After those things I said to you in the elevator". "I cussed you out like a sailor, and you aren't even angry"?

"Chris, that was weeks ago". "You gotta learn to let shit go or you won't survive out here". "Now let's get moving before you piss off someone else".

They started walking through what seemed to be some kind of a village full of beggers and refugees. Everyone lived in tents, and the smell of cheap grain alcohol filled the air.

"What is this place"? Chris asked. "It's horrible".

"Well, from what I heard". Liquid replied. "The undercity is where all the criminals and undesirables got banished a long time ago". "I imagine that these people are their decendents or something". "Now places like this can be even more dangerous than the lower city, so stay alert because we don't want anymore surprises".

"Welcome". A girl said, making them both jump.

"Who are you"? Liquid asked.

"My name is Shileena". "You two are from the upworld, yes"? "I can tell because you aren't covered with dirt and filth".

"Right... you're cute, are you a prostitute by any chance"?

"Liquid"! Chris yelled. "That's really rude"!

"Oh grow up, Chris". "I just got outa prison, and did I complain when you got freaky with Selven"?

"Well there are no prostitutes, officially". Shileena replied. "But I have been known to take money for companionship from time to time". "My family needs money, so ten credits will get you an hour".

"Kick ass".

Chris just stood there with a shocked expression on his face as Liquid took a ten credit piece out of his pocket. Then he handed it to her, and they started to walk toward a tent, when Chris stopped him.

"Hold on". He said. "I can't let you do this".

"Sorry Chris, threesomes always cost extra". Liquid replied. "Maybe next time".

"No, I can't let you take advantage of this impressionable young woman who is just trying to get food for her family".

"Ok, Chris, listen to me very carefully". "I am going to go into that tent, and there I will spend the next hour having sex with a girl that I'm pretty sure is underage". "I haven't had an opportunity like this since high school, so I suggest that you find something to keep yourself busy for the next hour, and for God's sake don't get into any trouble".

Without another word Liquid walked away with Shileena, and Chris was left alone to explore this village of outcasts.

"Alright". He said to himself as he started walking. "An hour by myself can't be that bad". "I'll just walk around aimlessly like everyone else here, and nothing bad can possibly happen".

Suddenly an old man grabbed him by the shirt, and shoved him against the wall.

"Aw, not again". Chris grumbled.

"You are the herald of prophacy"! He yelled. "Even old Rukil's eyes can see that you are marked, upworlder"!

"What are you talking about"?

"You are confused"? "That's ok, sometimes I forget to put on my pants in the morning... like today". "But the Darkspawn are not to be taken lightly, and there is no time for questions".

"Wait a second... Darkspawn"? "Duncan said something about them".

Rukil suddenly hugged Chris and started jumping up and down.

"Duncan promised that you would come"! Rukil yelled. "He said that a champion of the Grey Wardens would decend from above to defeat the Darkspawn, and liberate us from their evil once and for all"!

He took Chris by the arm, and led him across the village to a locked gate that appeared to be some kind of holding area. Rukil waved to a guard, and he opened the gate, allowing Chris to see three creatures inside that might have once been human. Their skin was falling off and they made inhuman sounds as they chewed on what was left of a body.

"What the fuck are those"? He asked.

"Those are the Darkspawn". Rukil replied. "You must defeat them"!

He booted Chris in the ass, making him stumble into the room, and then the gate slammed shut, drawing the attention of the creatures. They looked at him with empty black eyes, and growled as human flesh fell from their jaws.

This was the moment of truth. People were counting on him to defeat these Darkspawn things, and as far as they knew he was the Grey Warden of legend who would save them from these beasts. So he did what any hero would do, and started banging on the gate while screaming to be let out. This seemed to amuse the Darkspawn, who dropped what was left of their food in order to approach him.

"And what do we have here"? The most human looking one asked.

"Wait a second". Chris said as he stopped banging on the door. "You can talk"?

"Oh yes... you see food tastes better when it's afraid, and talking allows us to increase this by telling our victims exactly what we intend to do with them". "You see... first we are gonna cut out your eyes... then we will cut off your balls... and then, um... I guess we could, um... switch them".

"Oh, ok".

Chris resumed screaming as he banged on the gate even harder, then the Darkspawn put on their rib-bibs and got out a salt shaker as they got closer and closer...

One of the creatures reached for him, and Chris let out a glass-shattering womanly shrill as he leaped into the air, did two forward flips, and landed on his feet outside the confinement area.

"How the hell did you do that"? Rukil asked.

"Do what"? Chris replied.

"You just cleared a fifteen foot wall in a single bound". "Hell, if it wasn't such an act of pure cowardice I would be impressed, but now we see that you are not the Grey Warden". "It seems that we are now doomed to suffer and die down here at their evil cursed hands".

"Why do you stay down here"?

Rukil looked back up at him as if confused.

"Duh". He said. "Our families were banished here hundreds of years ago, and we have no possible way of venturing to the world above".

"Sure you do... all you do is get into the elevator and push the up button".

Rukil and the villagers around him looked at eachother for a second, and then they started laughing.

"Good one". Rukil laughed. "Push the up button, as if a crazy scheme like that would ever work". "Next you're gonna tell me that Liberachi was gay".

"He WAS gay"! Chris yelled.

The villagers just laughed even harder at this.

"That's great, I'm gonna have to remember that one". Rukil said as he and the others walked away. "What's next, a singing dancing mouse with his own amusement park"?

Soon the villagers all went about their normal routine, and Chris was left there feeling like a dumbass. How do you help people who refuse to listen, he wondered. Oh well, maybe someday their hero would appear, and they would be set free.

"Hey, Chris". Liquid said as he walked over to him. "You ready to go"?

"I failed them". Chris replied as they started walking. "I tried to show them the way to the upworld, but they wouldn't listen".

"What the hell would you want to do that for"? "If these people went up to the lower city then the unemployment rate would skyrocket, and girls like Shileena would actually make something of themselves". "Then not only would the ecomomy go to shit, but people like me wouldn't have a cheap way to get laid with no strings attached".

"Liquid, do you ever think of anyone other than yourself"?

"I remembered to come get you before moving on, didn't I"? "Count your blessings, mother fucker". "Now Shileena said that Ashley likes to explore the under city with a friend, so what we need to do is leave this village and find her so that we can get the engine for Gadon". "Then we can get Jill away from the Bloods, hand her over to the Sith for a reward, and then do pretty much whatever we want". "Sound good"?

"We're not turning her in for a reward, Liquid". "She is important to the Republic war effort, and we need to get her back to them as soon as possible".

Liquid just rolled his eyes, and didn't say anything else until they got came up to the gate which led out of the village.

"Let us out". He said to the guard.

"Can't do that". The guard replied. "You'll have to wait until they leave".

"Wait until who leave"?

Suddenly a man on the outside ran up to the gate and screamed to be let in before he was pounced by six Darkspawn monsters.

"What the fuck are those"? Liquid asked as they tore the screaming man apart.

"Those are the Darkspawn". Chris replied.

"The Darkspawn"? "You mean the things that Duncan the looney was ranting about"?

"You know of Duncan"! Rukil yelled as he grabbed Liquid. "Then you two must be the Grey Wardens of legend"?

"Who the hell are you"?

"No time... the Darkspawn must be defeated"!

The guard opened the gate, and Rukil pushed Liquid outside. Chris exhaled deeply as he realized that for once the bad stuff was happining to someone else, but then the villagers grabbed him and shoved him outside too before they slammed the gate shut.

They got to their feet just as the Darkspawn finished with their victim, and a second later they began circling.

"Crap". They both said.


	8. The Undercity Sewers

Instead of attacking, the Darkspawn began to laugh in a way that made both of them shake in their boots.

"Hey look, it's Chris". One of them said. "Let's switch his eyes and his balls".

The other Darkspawn laughed at this, but Liquid got angry.

"Chris". He said. "How do these things know you"?

"Well, I uh...". Chris replied. "You see I met some of them in a containment area in... the village".

"Oh, I get it". "What part of 'don't get into any trouble' didn't you understand"? "I was only gone for twenty minutes, and you start shit with the fricken Darkspawn"? "That means that this whole situation is your fault, and if we survive this I'm gonna kill you".

"SHUT UP"! One of the Darkspawn yelled. "Food doesn't talk, it gets sodomised with all three of my penises"!

Chris and Liquid just stood there for a second.

"Why do you guys have three..."? Liquid began. "No, I don't want to know". "The important thing right now is to RUN"!

Chris and Liquid ran past the Darkspawn, screaming like lunatics as more of the monsters joined in the chase. Soon they came to the wreckage of another Republic escape pod, and a soldier waved to them as they approached.

"Oh thank God"! He yelled. "I didn't think anyone else made it off the Endar Spire"! "We need to find Jill and get outa here"!

"Great"! Liquid said as he grabbed him. "Let's split up, you go that way"!

He tossed the soldier into the Darkspawn, and the monsters tore him limb from limb as Chris and Liquid jumped across a small pit before hiding behind a support pillar.

"Do you think they saw where we went"? Chris asked.

"I don't think so". Liquid replied. "I'm just glad that brave Republic soldier gave his life in order for us to complete our mission".

"Yeah, but his sacrifice won't be in vain". "All we have to do now is wait for them to lose interest, right"?

"Good luck with that one". Leon said, making them jump. "I've been hiding here for about three hours now, and I really gotta pee".

"What are you doing down here"? Liquid asked.

"Well, I was on my way back to Davik's place, but the guy who was with me in the lower city was the only one who knew the way... so I got kinda lost".

"How do you get lost on Taris"? Chris asked. "It's only the first planet in this story".

"Well excuse me, Mr. Perfect". "Not all of us get to start out with a cool mini-map that tells us where we are all the time". "Only dick suckers in the main party get things like that".

"Relax, man". "I didn't mean anything by it".

"I'm not your man, G".

"Well, I'm not your G, bro".

"I'm not your bro, dude".

"Well, I'm not your dude, HOMEBOY"!

They ran at eachother, and fell to the ground as they began trying to punch eachother. It was only then that they realized the Darkspawn were watching.

"No, don't stop on our account". One of them said. "That just means our dinner will already be tenderized when we get it".

"Ok, truce Leon". Chris said as he got up. "If all three of us work together we can beat them, right guys"? "...Guys"?

Chris looked around, discovering that Liquid was gone, and seeing Leon running away as he vanished over the horizon. Then he turned back toward the Darkspawn who were again getting a good laugh at his expense.

"So how do you guys wanna do this"? The first Darkspawn asked.

"Raw"! The second one yelled. "Let's eat him alive so that he can still squeel like a little piggy"!

"No way". The third one said. "My doctor says that too much red meat can be bad for your health".

"I call bullshit". The first one replied. "My old man ate red meat everyday for his entire life, and he lived to the ripe old age of thirty two". "But just because I'm a people pleaser let's deep fry him so that we get a crispy skin like KFC".

"Hey, did we order this food to go"? The fourth one asked.

"No, why"?

"BECAUSE THERE IT GOES"!

They started after Chris, who was sprinting as fast as he could across the undercity.

"LIQUID"! He screamed as he ran. "LIQUID HELP"! "I DON'T WANNA BE KFC"!

He ran and ran, but then he turned a corner and his heart sank as he saw that it was a dead end. So all he could do was back up against the wall as the Darkspawn slowly closed in.

"I hate fast food". The third one said. "It's even worse for you than red meat".

"Let's grind him up". The second one replied. "We can make ground Chris out of him, and mix it up with some white rice". "Then maybe some duck sauce, and just a little MSG".

The other Darkspawn began licking their lips as Chris proceded to piss himself.

"Do we have to use MSG"? The third one asked. "Alot of research says that it can clog your atreries".

"Christ, is anything good enough for you"? The first one asked. "We're fricken Darkspawn for God's sake". "Let's just tear his ass apart, divide him up amongst ourselves, and each prepare our own pieces the way we want, alright"?

The others thought for a second, then they nodded their heads, and Chris screamed as they came at him. Suddenly the wall opened up behind him, and it closed just as quickly after he fell into it. There was a rewarding crunch sound as the charging Darkspawn slammed into the wall, and then he just laid there for a second to catch his breath.

"I can't take you anywhere, can I"? Liquid asked.

"Where did you go"? Chris replied as he got up. "They were gonna make me KFC".

"Where did I go, you ask"? "I took off around the same time that you two dipshits decided to make a ton of noise while we were, oh I don't know, HIDING FROM THE DARKSPAWN YOU RETARD"!

Liquid then pulled his leg back and slammed his foot into Chris's nuts as hard as he could. He made a gagging sound as he fell, and then Liquid kicked him a few times before he started down a nearby ladder.

"Hurry up, Chris"! He yelled as he vanished from sight. "We got shit to do"!

Chris groaned as he dragged himself to the ladder. Then he started to climb down, but his leg sliped, causing his head to bounce off every rung until he hit the ground.

"This guy"? A girl's voice asked. "This is the guy you work with"?

Chris looked up, and jumped to his feet as he spotted a cute blonde girl, but then dissapointment set in as he realized who she was.

"You two met before"? Liquid asked.

"She's the one who robbed me in the cantina"! Chris yelled as he pointed at her.

"Oh good, then I don't need to worry about introductions". "So here's the deal: Ashley here has agreed to show us the way into the Bloods base of operations, and all we have to do in return is save her friend Barney from some Gamorian slavers".

"Barry". Ashley corrected.

"How can you trust her"? Chris asked. "Her and her friend kicked my ass and took my credits".

"I don't trust her one bit, Chris". Liquid replied. "But she has something we want, and she's cute, so deal with it".

Chris just shook his head in disbelief.

"What are you gonna pay her for sex, too"? He asked. "She's like fourteen, you fricken pedo"!

"Oh yeah, Chris". Liquid replied. "Like fourteen year olds are so innocent in today's day and age". "I'll have you know that I lost my virginity when I was twelve to a girl that... that... I would really rather not talk about right now". "The point is that you should mind your own business".

"Uh, hey Liquid"? Ashley called. "If you and your partner are done, I really wanna save Barry and get out of these sewers before the next load of human waste comes through".

Chris beamed with the pride of recognition as his time on Taris was caste into a whole new light. He had never been anyone's partner before, and maybe this was just the awkward stage like when Batman first met Robin or something.

"Partner"? Liquid asked as he followed Ashley. "This fool doesn't even qualify as a sidekick".

Chris hung his head as he followed them down a tunnel, and into a large center chamber where five Gamorians were guarding the enterence to what looked like a storage room of some kind.

"That's where they took Barry". Ashley explained.

"So let's go get him". Liquid replied.

"What do you mean, let's go get him"? Chris asked. "There are five of them, and only three of us".

"Quit being a baby". "The worst thing that could happen is that you get captured and forced to spend the rest of your life in bonded servitude on Nar Shadda or something".

"Oh, is that all"? "Well why didn't you say so, I'm outa here".

He tried to walk away, but Liquid grabbed him, and pushed him into the chamber before whistling loudly. The Gamorians were on him in seconds, and he screamed as they lifted him over their heads. They carried him over to the storage door, and two of them held him as another one fumbled with the keys.

"Alright human, you've been captured". Their leader said. "And now you will be forced to spend the rest of your life in bonded servitude on Nar Shadda or something".

"I hate it when he's right". Chris grumbled.

The leader backhanded him.

"Silence, slave". He ordered. "Now get that door open so we can put him in with the other one".

After another few seconds of fumbling, the lock clicked and the door swung open just as the sound of a dog whistle filled the air. Suddenly the door was knocked off it's hinges, sending it and one of the Gamorians over the railing where they fell three stories into a tank of human shit.

"Ewww". The others said.

But then the smoke cleared, and there stood the terror that was Barry. His eyes were bloodshot, and his hair was standing on end while his beard seemed to be twisting all by itself.

"Holy crap". The other Gamorians said as they dropped Chris.

They tried to run, but Barry leaped on them like a tiger on the discovery channel, and Chris covered his eyes as he tore them apart with his bare hands. A few seconds later the screams stopped, and then it was Chris's turn to scream as he uncovered his eyes to find Barry standing over him.

"Good job, Chris". Liquid said as he and Ashley ran up to them. "Couldn't have done it without ya".

"Wait a second". Chris replied. "You planned this, too"?

"Well yeah". "How else were we supposed to get them to open the door so that Barry could hear Ashley's dog whistle"?

"I was bait, again"!

"Yes, and like I already told you, you can't be good bait if you know that there's no real danger".

Suddenly Barry picked Chris up, and hugged him so tight that his face started to turn blue. Then he dropped him, and turned toward Ashley.

"You mean that Craig here risked his life to free me"? He asked.

"I guess". She replied. "That's one way of looking at it".

He turned back toward Chris, and helped him to his feet.

"Craig here has saved me from bonded servitude on Nar Shadda or something". Barry said. "So in the presence of all, I hearby swear a lifedebt to him".

"My name is Chris". Chris replied. "And what's a lifedebt"?

"I heard of those". Liquid said. "Some kind of loyalty vow, right"?

Ashley walked up to them, and smacked both of them in the head with one swing.

"You disrespectful little bastards". She said. "A lifedebt is the most solom vow that Barry's people can make". "It means that he is your man forever, and if you disrespect his vow in any way he will probably pop your head like a grape".

"More like a water ballon, but yeah". Barry continued. "So what do we do now"?

Everyone looked at Ashley.

"Ok, fine". She said. "You saved Barry, so I will show you where the back door to the Bloods base is".

They followed her down a few more tunnels, and past a few more chambers until they came to a passage that was blocked by a forcefield.

"Well, here it is". She said.

"Let me guess". Chris replied. "You picked the codes for this forcefield off of one of the Bloods who had a bit too much to drink, right"?

"No, but the humidity down here plays hell with everything electronic".

She kicked the wall next to the forcefield, and it flickered a few times before burning out entirely.

"Ok, it's been fun". She said as she turned away. "Good luck".

"Hold on, Ashley". Barry said as he stopped her. "The lifedebt demands that I follow Craig into all danger he encounters".

"Great, but I ain't swore no lifedebt to no one".

She started walking away again, but then she screamed as Barry slung her over his shoulder, and they all started down the passage that would lead into the base of the Bloods.


	9. Base Of The Rival Gang

Ashley struggled to get away from Barry for another minute or two, then gave up as they reached a tougher than usual looking security door.

"I'm telling you guys". She said. "You don't wanna go in there".

"Why not"? Chris asked.

"Ok, do you guys even grasp the concept of what you are about to do"? "Past that door is the rear enterence to the place where the Bloods hang out". "They are a hundred times more ruthless than the Crips, and their leader Brejek is the biggest prick of them all". "He's a dangerous cut throat murderer, and the slightest thing will set him off".

"What do you mean"?

"Well, one time a member of the Bloods flicked his cigar ashes on one of Brejek's throw-rugs". "So Brekek made the guy pick it up... with his ass".

"Oh, whatever". Liquid replied. "You are just afraid that you have as much chance of dying on this suicide mission as the rest of us", but lo and behold you are stuck here so unlock this damn door so that we can get this horse shit over with".

"Liquid, if you know this is a suicide mission". Chris began as Barry set Ashley down. "Why are you doing it"? "I mean, do credits mean that much to you"?

"Chris, you know damn well that we are not just doing this for credits".

The whole tunnel seemed to fall silent as everyone looked at Liquid in disbelief.

"We're not"? Chris asked.

"Of course not". Liquid replied. "We are doing this for a SHIT LOAD of credits". "Don't you understand that once we turn Jill in for the reward, all of here are gonna be set for life"?

"No, we are not giving Jill to the Sith".

"Why not"? Ashley and Barry asked.

"I can't believe you people". "Without that crazy ass Jedi trick that Jill does, the Republic is lost". "The Sith will tear through the galaxy, destroying everything in their path". "The Republic is the one source of perfect good and justice that has stood up for the little guy for almost twenty thousand years, and with them there is no slavery or hunger or injustice of any kind". "Long live the Republic"! "Long live the Republic"! "Long live the

His speech was interupted as Liquid licked the palm of his hand, and then smacked Chris in the face with it.

"Ewww". Chris said as he wiped it off.

"Perfect good and justice, huh"? Liquid asked. "A capital traitor to the Republic tossed me in prison for not joining the Sith, and the goody, goody Republic kept me there for three years because the bastard who bombed my planet into nothing was still a good guy at the time of my arrest".

"That's because you killed your cellmates, got into illegal business, and escaped so many times". "Don't blame your own mistakes on the Republic".

Liquid licked his palm, and smacked Chris with it again.

"You ever been to prison, cocksucker"? He asked.

"No, because I obay the law". Chris replied as he wiped his face off.

"So did I, but if you were ever in prison, I know I could get atleast two cartons of cigerettes for your ass".

"What's your point"?

"The point is that in prison you have to do alot of crazy shit to survive". "You make crazy friends, you escape to crazy places, and it just keeps going and going until you are nothing but a twisted shadow of the good and honest man that you can barely even remember being".

Suddenly Liquid leaned on the wall and began crying his eyes out. But the tears stopped after exactly three seconds, and Liquid quickly regained his composure.

"Everyone ready". He asked. "Open that door".

No one knew what to think after Liquid's little episode, so they found themselves mindlessly going up to the security door, and Ashley opened the side panel. However she had only pressed the first button when the door exploded, and what looked like a giant fist shot out from the wreckage.

It's large claws opened up as it flew right toward Liquid, but he hit the floor at the last possible second, making Chris scream as the large fingers closed around him and he was pulled back through what remained of the door.

"What the hell was that"? Liquid yelled as everyone got up.

"Oh yeah". Ashley replied. "I forgot all about the Rancor".

Chris screamed again, and they all ran toward the door, stopping dead in their tracks as they saw the giant monster that held Chris in it's left hand. The screaming continued as it sat down, and brought Chris up to it's face.

"HELP"! Chris shrieked. "IT'S GONNA EAT ME"!

But instead of eating him, the creature began to laugh and bounce up and down on the floor, shaking the whole room.

"New friend make fun noises"! The Rancor yelled. "Make more noises"!

"I'LL SAVE YOU, CRAIG"! Barry yelled as he charged at the beast.

He ran at the monster as fast as he could, but the Rancor simply picked him up with it's other hand, and swallowed him whole.

"Wow". Ashley said. "Didn't see that one comin".

Meanwhile the Rancor continued to laugh and bounce as he tossed Chris up into the air, and caught him only to repeat the process.

"Good snack"! It yelled as it tossed chris up again. "Now play time with new friend"!

"Liquid, help"! Chris screamed as he came down.

"You don't need my help". Liquid replied as Chris was tossed up again. "I'm sure that the perfectly good and just Republic will arrive to save you at any moment". "Hell, they been protecting the little guy for almost twenty thousand years, right"? "So just like with Allstate insurance, you're in good hands".

The tossing and bouncing continued for awhile, with Liquid having almost as good of a time about it as the Rancor.

"Ok, enough is enough". Ashley said. "Could you save him, please"?

"Let me think about it". Liquid replied. "Well I guess I... no".

Chris screamed again as the Rancor now tried to ride on his back.

"Giddyup, horsey"! It yelled.

"Could you save him for me"? Ashley asked as he eyes got all big. "Please, Liquid"?

"You're cute, Ashley". Liquid replied. "But not anywhere near cute enough to make me take on a Rancor".

"What kind of a man are you"?

"The kind that doesn't get easily influenced by pretty girls, and therefore gets to live while the hero gets frickin massacred".

"LIQUID HELP"! Chris squeeled. "HELP ME PLEASE"!

"Fine"! Liquid yelled. "If it will make you shut up, then here"!

He pulled out his blaster, and shot the Rancor in the eye, making the monster roar as it stumbled off of Chris. He tried to get away, but the monster grabbed him, and brought him up to it's face.

"Bad friend make dick-move"! The Rancor yelled. "I punish you good"!

He tossed Chris up into the air, and then spiked him like a fricken vollyball, making him crash into a large pile of skeletons.

"There, now is everyone happy"? Liquid asked. "It will never find him in that mess".

"There you is"! The Rancor yelled. "Me spot friend in that mess"!

Liquid shrugged as it walked toward Chris, but then it made a strange kind of burping sound as it began to stumble.

"Me not feel so good". The Rancor said. "Feels like

Suddenly the monster's stomach exploded from the inside, making it fall over dead as Barry climbed out of the remains.

"Did I save Craig"? He asked.

"Uh, yeah". Ashley replied. "I guess".

Barry ran over to Chris and gave him a big bear hug.

"I SAVED YOU CRAIG"! He screamed.

"Get off me"! Chris yelled as he tried to push away. "You got Rancor nastyness all over you"!

Barry laughed as he squeezed Chris tighter, rubbing the Rancor filth all over him.

"Are you guys done playing around"? Liquid asked. "We got shit to do, unless you two faggots wanna stay here and act like, um... faggots"!

He walked across the chamber to another door, and once everyone was together he opened it. The good news was that they had made it out of the Rancor pit alive, but the bad news was that about fifteen armed men wearing red were now pointing blaster rifles at their heads.

"Um, hi". Chris said.

"Shut up, cracker"! Their leader yelled. "Do you got any idea how many credits that damn Rancor cost"?

"Actually... no".

He just looked at Chris for a second, and then kicked him in the nuts.

"Ok, here's what's up". He said as Chris fell to his hands and knees. "Brejek isn't here at the monent, so the slut and the bitch I just ball-kicked are gonna go down to the garage to be used and abused by Brejek's lieutenant". "The big stupid lookin one goes to a holding cell, and take Drulla the Hutt's little lackey to be ransomed back to him as usual".

Barry and Liquid were taken down another hall, while Chris and Ashley were marched to an elevator. They were pushed inside as soon as the door opened, and it started down.

"What are you gonna do to us"? Chris asked.

"Not sure yet". The Bloods's leader replied. "All I know is that we gotta rough you up a little first".

"No you don't"!

"Look, you seem like a nice guy who probably just got lost in the sewers with your odd assortment of friends". "So don't take this ass whoopin personal, ok"?

Suddenly they were on him, throwing him to the floor and kicking him until the elevator stopped. Then they dragged him down another hall, and into a swoop bike maintenence room where a Twilek and some more Bloods were getting ready to put an engine into their swoop bike.

"What the hell is this, Turk"? The Twilek asked as they brought Chris and Ashley in.

"Your name's Turk"? Ashley asked.

"We got somethin good this time". Turk replied. "Not only did we get this hot piece of ass, but we also caught this racist fuck messin around with Brejek's Rancor". "He was sayin all kinda stuff, like how much he hates black people, and that we can't read good, and that we ain't never gonna get no reparations". "And then he starts talkin about how Obama ain't nothin but a real tan whiteboy".

"You lying son of a bitch"! Chris yelled. "I didn't say any of that stuff... and who the hell is Obama"?

"You see what I mean"? "The insults jus keep comin, and now he won't even admit that there's a black man in office".

The Twilek walked over to Chris, and looked at him.

"You know". He said. "This guy kinda looks like that guy in Resident Evil 5". "You know, that game where some honkey goes around killin black zombies". "Granted the game takes place in Africa, and didn't nobody say shit when all the zombies were spanish in Resident Evil 4, BUT IT'S STILL FUCKED UP"!

Suddenly they all started kicking the shit out of Chris, but while this was going on no one seemed to notice that Ashley was sneaking toward the engine that was hanging ablve the swoop bike on a chain. She pulled it back, and swung it at the nearest Blood, knocking him out cold as it hit him in the head. Then she picked up his blaster rifle, and began shooting like it was a scene from Rambo.

When Chris finally uncovered his face, all of the Bloods were dead.

"Holy shit". Was all he could say.

"Is this that thing you guys were looking for"? She asked as she looked at the engine.

"I think so".

"Then get over here so you can carry it".

After seeing what she had just done to half a dozen armed men, Chris did not want to get on her bad side, so he got to his feet, and walked over so that he was standing under the engine.

"Ready"? She asked as she grabbed the release lever.

"Ready". He replied.

Ashley pulled the lever, and the engine fell into Chris's arms. It also weighed a fricken ton, so he stumbled back into the wall and slowly sunk to the floor.

"Holy God this is heavy"! He gasped.

"No duh, it's an engine, you tard". She replied. "What did you expect"? "Did you think it was gonna be some tiny little thing that would just vanish into your inventory until it was needed"? "That would be great if this was a crappy videogame or something, but the real world doesn't work that way". "Now let's go find the others".

It took Chris a minute or two, but eventually he was able to get to his feet while carrying the engine on his back. Now all he had to do was slowly shuffle his way toward the elevator.

"You look like a turtle". Ashley laughed as she opened the elevator door. "Hurry up, turtle".

Chris grumbled under his breath for the entire ten minutes that it took for him to get into the elevator. Then he dropped it on the floor, and leaned against the wall as they went back up.

"How are we gonna get outa here"? He asked.

"What do you mean"? Ashley replied. "We have to save Barry and Liquid, then we just kinda leave".

"Are you kidding me"? "There's got to be atleast a hundred gang members in this place". "Barry and Liquid were probably already executed, and if the bloods watch their security cameras they already know that we're coming".

Ashley just shook her head, and the monitor showed that they were almost at the top, so Chris struggled to get the engine onto his back.

"Now when the doors open". Ashley said as it stopped. "I want you to run for the exit".

"Run"? He asked. "With this thing"?

The door opened, and they gasped at what they saw. Instead of a hundred Bloods waiting for them with blaster rifles, there were about six Bloods who had been neatly cut in half with a vibroblade or something. Not only that but the walls were covered in blood and slash marks. This combined with the fact that the lights were flickering on and off made them feel like they were in some kind of a horror movie.

"What happened"? Ashley asked as they stepped out of the elevator.

"I hope we never have to find out". Chris replied.

Suddenly one of the Bloods who was all messed up lookin came stumbling around the corner. He walked about two more steps, when another guy in an armor suit of some kind came up behind him, and stuck his vibroblade through the gang mamber's chest.

"It's a... ghost". The Blood said as he fell over dead.

The unknown man walked toward them, and Chris's knees started shaking as he stopped right in front of them.

"Boo". He said.

Chris screamed and pissed himself, allowing the unknown man to get a good laugh as he vanished into thin air.

"Chris"! A voice called. "Ashley"! "Over here"!

They looked and saw Liquid sitting at a table with Barry in a nearby room. They were each eating a bag of chips, seemingly unaware of the seven mutilated Bloods who were laying on the floor around them.

"What the hell is going on here"? Chris asked as he shuffled into the room.

"Oh, Grey Fox owed me a favor". Liquid said. "So I had him break me and Barry out of our cells". "Sure he went batshit crazy and killed all the Bloods, but what are you gonna do"? "Hey, is that the engine"? "Good job, Chris, now let's get the hell outa here before more of them show up".

Barry took the engine from Chris and held it under his arm with one hand. Then he followed Liquid toward one of the exits, leaving Chris and Ashley just standing there with dumb looks on their faces.

"Next time we all get seperated". Ashley said. "I'm going with him".

She started walking toward the exit, and a second later Chris followed.


	10. Swoop Racing

After exiting the hideout of the Bloods, Chris and the others found themselves back in the lower city, where it was thankfully only a short walk back to the hideout of the Crips. There they would be able to give him the engine, and finally learn what he knew about Jill's location.

"So how much is the reward for Jill"? Ashley asked as they walked.

"So far its half a million credits". Liquid replied.

"Wow, that much"?

"Yeah, and it goes up just a little bit more everyday". "So I figure that after we get her back from the Bloods we can hold onto her for a month or so until its an entire million".

"This again"? Chris asked. "We already decided that no amount of credits is worth handing Jill over to them".

"And just when did we decide this"?

"Back in the sewers when we, um, uh, when we...

"Oh yeah, when you were making that speech about the Republic". "We didn't decide shit, you little toad, but since you had to give a piggyback ride to a fricken Rancor... we can make the decision after we get her back".

Chris was satisfied by this, and walked a little bit taller with the knowledge that there may be hope for Liquid yet. But then fear began to settle back in as they reached the enterence to the base of the Crips.

"How's your head"? Liquid asked as they walked up to the guard.

"Not as bad now". She replied.

Liquid suddenly punched her, making her collapse to the ground once again as the door opened.

"Glad to hear it". He said as they walked inside.

The Crips whispered to eachother as the group walked in, making Chris feel more and more like running away with every step they took. But then he relaxed a bit as Gadon smiled once Barry set the engine on his desk.

"YES"! He yelled. "You crackers done real good".

"Ok we got your part back". Chris replied as the Crips took the engine away. "Now where is Jill"?

"Oh that... I'm afraid I got some bad news for you honkeys". "Apparently Brejek has entered her as the Bloods share of the grand prize for tomorrow's swoop race". "I'm afraid that the only way to get her back is if my gang wins because the others will just wanna sodomise her about a hundred times before selling her to the Hutts".

"Well that sucks". Liquid replied. "What the hell are we supposed to do now"?

"There might be a way for us both to get something out of this". "And if the Crips win tomorrow I might even be tempted to give you this Jill person... if...".

"If what"?

Gadon motioned for Liquid to come closer so that no one else could hear their conversation.

"Ok, here's the deal". Gadon whispered. "Recently the exchange has started this new thing called Affirmative Action on this planet".

"That crime syndicate is all the way out here"? Liquid asked.

"Yeah, who do you think that Davik works for"? "Anyway, Affirmative Action is some kind of equal opportunity employment bullshit, but the short version is that my gang is gonna lose our charter if I don't show that atleast one whiteboy is on the payrole".

"What are you getting at"?

"All I need is for one of you guys to be entered in tomorrow's race as the racer for the Crips, and if we win you guys walk away with Jill". "Thanks to that engine that you honkeys stole, er, I mean reclaimed from the Bloods, any jackass can win because its gonna make the swoop bike move so fast that you won't believe it".

"Sounds simple enough". "I've raced before, I can do it... as long as there's not anything you're forgetting to tell me".

"Oh nothing much, just that there's a risk of the swoop bike overheating just before a masive explosion".

"I see... alright, let me tell my people".

They stopped whispering, and Liquid stepped back over to the group.

"Ok, here's what's going on". Liquid explained. "If the Crips win the swoop race tomorrow we get Jill free and clear". "All we gotta do in return is provide a racer to operate the swoop bike, and after much thought about everyone here's personal strengths and weaknesses... I have decided that Chris will be that racer".

Chris beamed with pride at being chosen for this amazing responsibility, but the moment was ruined by everyone else laughing at him.

"Are you kidding me"? Ashley asked. "He's got about as much chance of winning as a one legged man in an ass-kicking contest".

Barry tried to say something, but he was laughing too hard to make sense, so everyone assumed that it was a really good one and laughed even harder.

"ENOUGH"! Chris screamed, instantly quieting the entire place. "Now I realize that I may not be the best soldier or fighter or problem solver... but Liquid obviously chose me for this job because of my natural racing talent just like he chose me to battle in the arena". "So tomorrow not only will I defeat all the other swoop gangs, but I will beat them so bad that they will go blind from being exposed to too much pure awesomeness".

"Right, whatever". Liquid replied. "I got faith in you, Chris".

"Your racer will be staying here tonight". Gadon continued. "And in the morning one of my boys will take your... um... racer to the track". "The rest of you can go back to your apartment".

The others left while Gadon showed him to his room, and it seemed like Chris was just closing his eyes when one of the Crips barged in and flipped his mattress over.

"Wake up, mother fucker"! He yelled as Chris hit the floor. "Get your honkey ass dressed, it's time to hit the track"! "And remember that the key to victory is the power of positive thinking"!

He waited outside as Chris got his clothes on, and then they walked down a series of halls before walking out a back door that led right to the track.

"That's convienient". Chris said.

"Yeah, it's nice". The Crip replied. "Now go see the racemaster because I think you're up first".

"What, first"? "But I don't know how to ride a swoop bike".

The gang member responded to this by backhanding him so hard that he fell on the ground.

"Does that sound like positivity to you, mother fucker"? He asked. "Negitivity has no place on the track, because its better to be lucky than talented any day of the week"! "Now get your pasty white ass over to the racemaster RIGHT THE HELL NOW"!

Chris got up and stumbled over to where the racemaster stood behind his booth.

"I'm here to, um, race". He said.

"No shit". The racemaster replied. "Name".

"Chris 'the ass-kicker' Redfield".

The racemaster just rolled his eyes as he typed the name into the computer.

"M-kay, Chris". He said as it came up. "Racing for the Crips, huh"? "I guess that Affirmative Action thing finally came down... anyway, have you ever raced here on Taris before"?

"Uh, no". Chris replied. "Not on Taris, I mean".

"Oh, then you must have raced for Motta the Hutt on Tattooine then"?

"Uh, yeah... all the time".

Suddenly the racemaster smacked him in the face, grabbed him by the shirt, and pulled him closer.

"Listen up, cocksucker"! He yelled. "I know all about that bullshit Motta allows on his track, but we have rules here"!

"Rules like what"? Chris quickly asked.

"Rule number one: Only one racer on the track at a time, so there's none of that reverse shit". "Rule number two: There are no blowers on the track, which means that jump kits are not allowed on the bikes so if you got'em you better disable'em". "And rule number three: There is no food or drinks allowed on the track, and I will personaly kick your stupid looking ass if I find so much as a candy bar wrapper". "Got it"?

Chris nodded, and the racemaster released him.

"Good". He said. "Your bike has already been moved to the starting line, so head over there and get ready to race". "Any questions"?

"Yes". Chris replied. "Where is the prize at"?

"Behind me".

Chris looked and saw a large cage that contained an unconsious Jill. There were also three nasty looking guards around it, so he decided to just get the race over with.

The fans cheered as he walked over to the swoop bike, and it started up automaticaly as he got on.

"Ok, seems simple enough". He said to himself as he looked at the controls. "Kinda like a landspeeder".

The racemaster signaled for the race to begin, and Chris reved the throttle as the red start light came on. His heart began to speed up as the yellow start light came one, and once the green start light came on he hit the gas as hard as he could. This caused him to do a forward flip and hit the ground as the swoop bike flew out from under him backwards.

The crowd was silent as the bike shot into the swoop bike holding area, and the resulting explosion detonated the other bikes, making the holding area go up in flames as the other racers were burned to a crisp.

"Well... holy shit". The racemaster said over the loudspeaker. "That's a new one". "I guess... um... since there are no more, uh... racers left...that, um, Chris Redfield is the winner".

The crowd cheered, and Chris jumped to his feet with an ear to ear grin on his face. He had won the season opening race on Taris, and now all he had to do was go back to the racemaster to be crowned champion and to recieve his prize.

"Ladies and gentlemen". The racemaster said as Chris ran over to him. "I present you the winner by default... Chris Redfield". "And here to present the grand prize is none other then Brejek, leader of the Bloods".

The crowd continued to cheer as a very angry looking man came out, but then he kicked Chris in the nuts, making everyone fall silent.

"That's right, yall shut the fuck up"! Brejek yelled as Chris fell over. "Word on the street is that this little prick was a damn cheater". "Yeah, he was usin a special engine in his swoop bike, so I'm jus gonna keep this pretty white woman for myself".

"You can't withdraw the prize". The racemaster argued.

Brejek responded to this by grabbing the racemaster, and breaking his neck.

"Bloods, to me"! He yelled as he dropped the body. "Grab this mother fucker and punch him in the dick until he passes out"!

Everyone else ran away as two of the guards grabbed Chris. One of them held his arms while the other began punching him in the in the dick. But what they didn't see was Jill open her eyes and put the third guard into a sleeper hold. Once he was passed out she grabbed the keys, and opened the cage.

The next thing anyone knew, Chris and the two guards were sent flying by an unseen force, and Brejek was more than surprised to see Jill when he turned around.

"How the fuck did you get out"? He asked. "I gave you enough drugs to keep a ronto out cold for a week"!

"Ha"! She laughed. "You underestimate both the willpower of a Jedi, and my personal tolerence to party drugs". "And now I'm gonna kick your ass with the passionless serenity of a Jedi".

She started to approach, but then stopped when Brejek pulled a lightsaber out from under his coat.

"Not so tough without your lightsaber, huh Jedi"? He asked as he held it out in front of himself.

"I really wouldn't do that if I were you". She replied.

Brejek laughed as he pushed the button and the yellow blade extended toward Jill. However he stopped laughing when the other blade extended right through his own chest. A second later he fell over dead, and Jill smiled as she put the lightsaber back on her belt.

Meanwhile Chris was just getting out from under the guards who had both been knocked out, when Jill walked over to him and grabbed him by the hair. Then she forced him to stand up.

"And as for you". She said as she made him face her. "If you think I'm some sort of OH MY GOD"!

She dropped him and stumbled back as he fell.

"I can't believe it"! She yelled. "You're... you're... one of them, um... soldiers from the Endar Spire... right"?

"Yeah". Chris replied as he got up. "I found out where you were, and won the swoop race in order to rescue you".

"Rescue me, huh"? "Is that what you call getting beat up by Brejek's guards"? "Your entrails would be hanging over his fireplace right now if I hadn't woken up in time".

"Hey, I did my best, ok"? "Even Liquid will have to give me credit for that once he sees you".

Jill started to say something, but stopped in her tracks at the sound of that name.

"Did you say Liquid"? She asked. "He made it off the Endar Spire"?

"Yeah". Chris replied. "He's the one who showed me how to contact the swoop gangs".

"So he's traveling with you, then"? "Great, the only people on this planet who can help me are a lunatic and someone who can't even fight off a couple of nameless enemies".

"Glad to hear you thinking positive". "That's how I won the swoop race after all, so come on I'll show you where our hideout is".

He started walking, and a second later Jill started to follow.

"Perfect". She said as they went back into the Crips base. "Now all we need is some hostile action from the Sith, and this will be the best day ever".


	11. The Escape Plan

High above the planet Taris, a large Sith warship floated silently across the blackness of space. On the bridge of the warship, Admiral Saul Karath carefully approached a large muscular man who was staring quietly at the planet below.

"You summoned me, Lord Wesker"? He asked.

"No". Wesker replied without turning around. "I just get a kick out of making you walk all the way across this gigantic ship, of course I summoned you, retard".

"What can I do for you, Lord Wesker"?

"You can start by getting me a cheeseburger from the mess hall". "I want it cooked medium well with swiss cheese, and if I find pickles anywhere near it you might as well just flush yourself out an airlock, because you are a dead man".

"As you wish, Lord Wesker". "Anything else"?

"Yes... a diet coke, and no, pepsi is not ok if they don't have it".

"Yes, Lord Wesker".

Admiral Karath turned around and started to walk away, but then Wesker cleared his throat, making him stop.

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot". Wesker said. "The search for Jill is taking too long... destroy the entire planet".

(Dramatic music is played)

"The whole planet, Lord Wesker"? He asked. "But what about all the innocent people, and our own soldiers still on the surface"?

"Hmmm". Wesker replied. "You know, Admiral... you're right".

"I... I am"?

"Yes... we can't possibly condemn millions of people to their deaths along with our own soldiers, not only because its wrong, but also because it would be a huge drain on our resources". "I tell you, Admiral, it sure is a good thing that you are the dark lord of the Sith". "Oh, wait a second... I'm the dark lord, aren't I"?

Slowly Wesker turned around, and Admiral Karath began to shake in his boots.

"Now, are you going to follow my instructions like a good boy"? Wesker asked. "Or is Darth Wesker gonna have to choke a bitch"?

"I'll be good". Admiral Karath quickly replied. "But it will take a long time to get the ships we need here, and even longer to position them".

"Then I suggest that you begin immediatly, Admiral". "Or you can spend the rest of this trip tongue-scrubbing the bathrooms".

Admiral Karath ran off to begin preparations, and Wesker returned to the window to once again stare at the planet.

"I can't believe it". Liquid said as Chris and Jill entered the apartment. "Not only did Chris manage to stay alive for more than five minutes on his own, but he did something right as well".

"I can't believe it, either". Jill replied. "How the hell did you get out of your cell"?

"Believe me, a bunch of loyal Republic soldiers gave their lives to prevent it, but I'm more interested in what happened at the swoop race".

"Yeah, Chris". Ashley said. "Liquid was too cheap to get us tickets, so tell us what happened".

"Well, after arriving I went right up to the racemaster". Chris began. "I was like: I'm here to race, bitch". "And he was like: Yes sir you can have anything you want, just please don't hurt me". "And I was like: I might be willing to let you off easy this time... if you put me up to race first". "So he did, and after fighting my way through a crowd of beautiful young women along with a few confused young men, I made it to my bike and it was fricken showtime".

"I bet". Liquid said.

"I took off like a shot, and it was like BANG BOOM ZING ZANG VROOM"! "I raced to good and fast that the other racers fell to their knees and castrated themselves rather than have to compete with the awesomeness that is Chris 'Ball-Breaker' Redfield". "Afterward I was crowned champion, then I defeated Brejek and carried Jill off into the sunset... right back here to this apartment".

Everyone just stood there in awe at this story.

"I'm proud of you, Chris". Liquid said, breaking the silence.

"You are"? Chris asked.

"Yeah... Jill, what happened at the swoop track"?

Chris's smile faded as Jill began telling the truth about what had happened at the track. He fell into despair as everyone in the room started laughing, and it got worse and worse until a knock came at the door, making everyone stop.

"Who is it"? Liquid yelled.

"Private messanger". A man's voice said.

"For who"?

"For the jackoff who killed all the swoop racers".

"Get the door, Chris".

Chris hung his head as he walked over to the door, then he opened it, and found himself being pushed back inside by Leon, who quickly closed and locked the door once he was inside.

"Close the window shades". He said. "And keep your voices down... you never know who might be listening".

"To what"? Jill asked.

"Hey". Liquid replied. "Aren't you that mandalorian who works for Davik"?

"Ah". Leon replied as music began to play. "So you've heard of... Leon the mighty"? "Leon the mighty roams through the countryside, never needs a place to hide". "Everyone admires him, he's so handsome it's a sin". "When you're in jeopardy, don't call the cavalry, there's a better remedy, although he doesn't work for free". "He's Leon... he's Le

His song was cut short as Liquid kicked him in the nuts.

"OH GOD"! He screamed as he fell to his hands and knees. "MY WEE CANNON BALLS"!

Liquid wasted no time in putting him into a sleeper hold with one arm, while twisting Leon's arm behind his back with the other.

"Ok, dick-lick". Liquid said. "Even if I didn't want to kill you for revealing our location to the Darkspawn in the undercity, that song would have made me want to". "Now you got fifteen seconds to convince me not to end your miserable life right now".

"I got a plan to get off this planet"! He gasped. "I know where the Sith keep the access codes to get past the blockade, and I got a way to get to them, but I need your help"!

"Well, this outa be good". "Where are they and how do you get them"?

"Easy, first you gotta pickup a droid from a shop in the upper city". "Go to Janice Nall's place and tell her that Leon sent you". "Then she should sell you the droid". "After that you use the droid to break into the Sith controlled military base and take the codes from there". "You see... easy".

"Time's up, Leon... goodbye".

Liquid was about to break his neck, when Jill used the force to send him flying into the wall.

"I like your plan so far". Jill said. "Its so stupid that its pure genious simply because no sane person would ever see it coming". "So why don't you just do it"?

"Ah, another easy one". Leon replied. "Everyone knows who I work for, so the Sith would know where to find me before I could put phase two into action".

"And phase two is"?

"Not to be revealed until after phase one is done". "I'll wait here until you guys get the codes, then I promise that you will like what I have to say".

Jill had to stop and think for a second.

"Ok, we'll try it". She said. "But if you are lying to us I will let Liquid kill you, ok"?

"I guess". Leon replied.

"Group huddle".

Everyone except Leon gathered around Jill.

"Alright, we are about to attempt the impossible". She said. "So we all need to work together". "Ashley and Barry will stay here to watch Leon while Chris and, I can't believe I'm saying this, Liquid come with me to get the droid and infiltrate the base".

"Bad idea". Leon said.

"What"?

"Liquid can't go to the base with you for the same reasons that I can't". "Everyone knows that he has ties to Drulla the Hutt just like they know I work for Davik". "The Sith would track you here before we could put my plan into action".

"He's got a point". Ashley said. "You can take Barry".

"Yeah, take Barry"! Barry yelled. "No Sith hurts Craig while I'm around"! "I'll crush them into little Sith moon-pies, and eat them alive"!

Jill just shook her head and walked out the door, followed shortly after by Chris and Barry.

"So". Leon said as the door closed. "Anyone wanna play Twister"?

"SHUT THE FUCK UP"! Liquid and Ashley yelled.

Out in the street Jill was walking faster than expected, so Chris and Barry had to run to catch up with her.

"Ok, let's do this". Chris said. "If I can survive bounty hunters, Rancors, and swoop gangs, then sneaking into a military base should be cake".

"Are you stupid"? She asked. "Not only is this plan almost certain to get us killed, not only do I have to somehow pull it off with only an imbecil and a nit-wit for backup, but we also don't have a clue where this droid shop is".

"I know where it is"! Barry yelled. "She lives in the upper city almost right next to the elevator"!

With this new information they walked to the elevator that Chris and Liquid had used to come down. Once inside it began to go up just as slowly as the first time.

"So, Jill". Chris said. "I've been wondering something".

"If you are gonna die a virgin"? She replied. "Probably".

"No, I was wondering how a few simple swoop gang members managed to capture the Jedi who defeated Darth Revan"?

"I see... well I was knocked around in the crash, and I think my lightsaber rolled under the seat or something because the Bloods were on me before I could find it".

Chris just looked at her for a second, and then started to smirk. However Jill grabbed him by the nose and twisted, making him scream before it could become a laugh.

"You think that's funny, huh"? She asked.

"No"! He yelled.

"Well, here's something else that you will find funny". "You have spent the last week consorting with an escaped fugitive, committing horrible crimes against the Republic, and probably selling our secrets to the highest bidder, huh"?

"No I didn't"! "I mean, Liquid probably did, but I'm innocent"!

"Oh, so it was Liquid who did everything"? "So what did you do to stop him, mother fucker"? "If you just stand there like a fucktard while someone commits a crime, you are just as guilty as them". "So even if we somehow pull this plan off and escape Taris alive, I'll make sure that you have a spot right next to Liquid on the executioner's block". "That is... unless you do exactly as I say without question for the rest of the time we are on this planet".

She twisted his nose one more time before pushing him away.

"Good job, great protecter". Chris said to Barry as he held his nose. "Where were you when I was getting my nose ripped off, huh"?

"The lifedebt means that I protect you from danger". He replied. "But I'm not gonna jump in every time you let yourself get beat up by a girl, Craig".

"What kind of bullshit is that"?

Barry suddenly backhanded him, making Chris fly into the wall before collapsing to the floor.

"I told you not to demean the lifedebt, Craig". Barry continued as he lifted Chris to his feet.

Jill just shook her head as the elevator stopped, and once the door opened she flashed her lightsaber as the Sith guard was cut in half.

"Holy shit". Chris and Barry said as she turned it off.

"He shouldn't have jumped out at me like that". She replied as she stepped out onto the street. "Now where is this droid shop"?

"Right over there". Barry said as he pointed.

They looked and saw a gigantic sign that said:

JANICE NALL'S DROID IMPORIUM

IF YOU DON'T HAVE CREDITS THAN STAY THE FUCK OUT

The shop was only about fifty yards away, so it was not long before the three of them walked through the door, and into the most empty looking droid shop ty had ever seen. There was nothing there except two utility droids, one red and one white, next to a twilek woman who was standing behind the counter.

"Welcome to Janice Nall's Droid Imporium". She happily said as she approached. "I'm Janice Nall, and I am obligated to warn you that some of our droids have been experencing small behavioral problems that sometimes cause them to do things like this".

Suddenly sparks began shooting out of the red droid's head, and it fired a grappling hook around Chris's legs before taking off toward the door. A second later Chris screamed as the rope was pulled tight, causing him to fall on his ass and get dragged out of the shop.

"Oh, that Craig". Barry said as the screams got fainter. "He's always playin around".

"He'll be fine". Jill replied as she turned back toward Janice. "We're here because a Mandalorian dipshit named Leon sent us to pick up a droid".

"Oh, Leon sent you"? She asked happily. "He's such a stud, with his big gun and his muscles... and he even has his own super sexy theme music".

"Are we talking about the same Leon"?

Janice's mood became grim all of a sudden.

"There is only one Leon". She said. "And I understand that he gets tempted by all you whores throwing your panties at him all the time, but he belongs to me... even though he doesn't know it yet". "But he's always in my heart, and I even keep his likeness here in the shop".

Jill turned around, and saw that there was a full size cardboard cutout of Leon proped up against the corner.

"Now you see that he is mine, yes"? Janice continued. "Good, now normally I charge five thousand credits for this kind of droid, but since you are a friend of Leon's and you gave him up to me so easily... four thousand credits".

"Four thousand"? Jill exclaimed. "Are you completely batshit"?

"Only in my love for Leon... the mighty".

Jill took another look at the cardboard cutout, and yes it was the same guy. He was standing there with a stupid grin on his face, and there were lipstick marks all ofer the cardboard.

"Alright, enough of this". Jill said as she looked back at her. "You want to give me the droid for free".

"I want to give you the droid for free". She mindlessly replied.

"You aren't really attracted to Leon".

"Yes, I am".

Jill jumped back a bit, surprised as hell that the mind trick wasn't working.

"For the last time you can't have him, whore". Janice continued. "Now take that droid I just gave you as a gift, and get the hell outa my shop".

Jill shrugged, then was followed out the door by Barry and the droid.


	12. Taris Military Base

It was more than obvious where the military base was, because not only where there signs everywhere pointing to it, but also because it was the biggest building around. Of course first they had to catch the other droid and untie Chris who was now suffering from a bad case of road rash.

But once that was done, everything seemed to be going to plan.

"So, we are just gonna walk in"? Chris asked as they walked.

"Don't worry, Chris". Jill replied. "My brilliant Jedi brain has it all figured out". "First this droid picks the lock on the door in a way that doesn't trip a single alarm". "Then we sneak in all stealthy like, and take out the soldiers one by one until we get to where the codes are kept".

"That sounds like Leon's plan". Barry said.

"WHO THE FUCK ASKED YOU"?

Not five minutes later they reached the front door, and the droid went up to begin its work. However it had just opened the acces panel when a hundred alarms went off, and a dozen armed Sith soldiers surrounded them. In response to this the droid screamed and took off down the street as fast as it could, leaving the others surrounded as the door opened, revealing even more Sith soldiers.

"Brilliant Jedi brain, huh"? Chris asked as the soldiers closed in.

"Shut up, Chris". She snapped. "This is all your fault anyway".

"How is this my fault"?

"Because the alams wouldn't have gone off if it was just me here with the droid, you fucking plague on humanity".

"Silence". A Sith Captain ordered as he walked out. "Let me guess... you thought that after your droid picked the lock on the door in a way that didn't trip a single alarm, you would sneak in all stealthy like and take out the soldiers one by one until you reached where the codes were kept, huh"? "Well that plan might have worked a week ago, but good thing for us that the new Sith Governer is a paranoid fuck who made us plan for even the most unlikely contingency".

Suddenly the soldiers tazered Barry into unconsiousness, then he and Jill were taken away while Chris was marched down another hallway.

"What are you gonna do with them"? He asked.

"Worry about your damn self". The Captain replied. "But since I'm an overconfident badguy, I feel comfortable telling you that they will be placed into force-cages until the big Sith party tonight". "There we will execute the big oaf, and after dinner each Sith soldier gets to have a turn with the Jedi as part of our MWR program".

"MWR"? "What's that"?

"It stands for Morale Welfare and Readyness". "You see, Darth Wesker understands that soldiers experience alot of stress during a long war such as this one". "Therefore he created MWR in order to promote higher productivity and greater kill counts by offering leasure time activities such as Ping-pong, Dodgeball, and Tee-bag the newest Republic Prisoner".

"Tee-bag"?

"You don't wanna know, but its very popular around here". "And on very rare occasions when we capture a female Republic soldier we get to use and abuse her for a few days before she gets sold into bonded servitude on Nar-Shadda or something".

All the Sith soldiers had a good laugh at this, but Chris's face turned red with anger. These guys were even worse about morality than Liquid.

"You guys are sick". He said. "This is why the Republic will win, not because of brute strength, but with the same drive and determination that saw us through the Mandalorian war".

"Dude, seriously". The Captain continued. "Every Sith here was in the Republic fleet during the Mandalorian war, but then we followed Darth Revan when he and Wesker decided to conquer the galaxy".

"What"? "Why would you abandon the Republic"?

They stopped walking as they reached an elevator.

"Because the Republic blows". The Captain continued. "We didn't get to do half the fun shit that we can do now, and you would not believe how good the Sith dental plan is". "But all of that is no consern to you, because this is where you get to experience a fate worse than death". "COSTUME CHANGE"!

"What"? Chris asked.

The Sith rushed toward him, and began hitting him with their rifles while ripping his clothes off. A few seconds later they all stepped back, and Chris gasped as he saw that he was now wearing a Sailor Moon costume.

"What the hell is this"? He yelled as the elevator door opened.

"You'll find out". The Captain replied.

He then kicked Chris in the chest, making him stumble into the elevator as the soldiers laughed. Then the door closed, and it started down. Unlike the other elevators on Taris, this one only took about thirty seconds to reach its destination, where the door opened, and Chris screamed as he saw who was waiting for him inside the small room.

"Well, well". Darth Nikoli said. "If it isn't the little piggy that got away from me on the Endar Spire". "Come here, piggy".

Chris franticly pushed the button to close the door, but Nikoli grabbed him and tossed him across the room before he could do anything to escape.

"You thought it was pretty funny, huh"? Nikoli asked as he slowly walked toward him. "Locking me in that room, and leaving me to die with no one to keep me company except for him".

Nikiol pointed, and Chris looked, gasping as he saw the burnt body of Brad laying in the corner with his pants around his ankles.

"OH MY GOD"! Chris screamed as he jumped to his feet.

"So why aren't you laughing, piggy"? Nikoli asked as he got closer. "Isn't it funny"? "ISN'T IT"?

Chris's mind desperately raced to find a way out of this situation, but nothing was coming to him. If only Jill or Barry or Liquid were... That was it! What would Liquid do in a situation like this? He couldn't shoot him because the Sith soldiers took his blaster, and he couldn't he couldn't bullshit his way out because this guy already wanted him dead or worse...

So what was left?

"Get ready for the pain, piggy"! Nikiol yelled as he reached him. "In more ways than one"!

"Distraction"! Chris yelled as he pointed at the door. "Distraction"!

Nikoli looked toward the door and saw that nothing was there just before he felt Chris's foot slamming into his nuts. He cried out in pain as a punch came at him, but then he caught the fist and grabbed Chris by the throat.

"I don't suppose we can talk about this"? Chris gasped as he was lifted into the air.

"YOU ARE GONNA FUCKING DIE"! Nikoli yelled as he tossed Chris back across the room.

Chris saw stars for a second as he slammed into the wall and hit the floor. But he shook it off as best he could in order to get to his feet. However Nikoli was already on him, so he dropped back down to avoid a punch, and Nikoli screamed as his fist rammed right into a power conduit.

Electricity flowed up and down his body for a few seconds, and then he was launched across the room where he slammed into a storage container and lost consiousness as a datapad slid across the floor. It stopped at Chris's feet, and his eyes widened as he realized that the Sith codes were stored on it.

He picked it up, and pushed the button on the elevator. Then his heart sank as Darth Nikoli groaned and started to get up, but then another storage container fell on his head, knocking him back out as the door opened.

Chris wasted no time pushing the up button, and soon he was on his way back up to the first floor, where he hoped that the Sith soldiers would not still be standing there. Soon it stopped and the doors opened, revealing...

An empty hall.

For once it seemed that luck was on his side as he stepped out of the elevator, but then a side door opened and he had to dive behind a large plant to avoid being seen by the Sith soldiers as they passed by.

"Ok". He said to himself. "They said that Jill and Barry would be taken to some force-cages, so all I gotta do is creep my way to the holding area, and then I

"Hey". A obviously drunk Sith slurred as he walked up to the plant. "Who is that talkin back there"? "Why are you wearin a Sailor Moon costume"?

"It's um...". Chris began. "It's um, not a costume... yeah, its not a costume because I am the, uh, um, I am the spirit of, uh... this house plant". "That's right, I am the spirit of this house plant, and I will grant you three wishes if you tell no one that you saw me".

The drunken sith just stood there for a second while Chris silently prayed to every God that he had ever heard of.

"Look, buddy". The Sith slurred. "I'm not drunk enough to believe that you are the spirit of anything, but I am drunk enough to not give a shit about you tryin to free your friends from the force-cages that are down the hall to your right". "So just point me in the direction of the bathroom before I explode and we can forget that we ever saw eachother".

"Oh, ok". Chris quickly replied. "I think I saw one down that

"TOO LATE"!

There was a zipping sound, and Chris screamed as a stream of yellow liquid sprayed all over him and the plant.

"Oh God, gross"! He yelled as he stood up.

"Thanks alot, buddy". The Sith slurred as he started walking away. "Oh, and you shouldn't talk to yourself when you're tryin to be stealthy". "See ya later".

As soon as he was gone, Chris stepped away from the plant, and ran down the hall to his right. Then he opened the door just as Jill and Barry were finishing off the last two guards.

Well this certainly explained why there were so few guards around, but now that they had the codes and everyone was safe they could get the hell outa here.

"You guys"! He yelled as he entered the holding room. "I got the codes on this datapad"!

They just looked at him for a second, and then Jill came closer.

"Chris"? She asked. "Why are you wearing a Rainbow Brite costume"?

"Sailor Moon". He corrected. "I got the codes, let's get outa here"!

Jill sniffed the air, and then jumped back with a disgusted face as she realized what it was.

"Good gravy"! She exclaimed as she covered her nose. "Who captured you, R. Kelly"?

"You shoulda seen it, Jill". He said with pride. "I fought Darth Nikoli, and electrocuted him before I found the datapad". "Then I escaped and pretended to be the spirit of a plant to fool a drunk guard... who pissed on the same plant I was hiding behind before I

He stopped as Jill began shaking her head.

"What's wrong"? He asked.

"Oh God, Chris". She replied. "You dressed up as a girl and let them piss on you in order to get the codes because you were too much of a weak-ass to fight for them".

It looked like she was about to cry, but then she burst out laughing, making Chris turn beet red. He tried again and again to tell her what really happened, but it just made things worse. Then he thought that Barry would listen, but this hope was shattered as the big guy fell to his knees and vomited from laughing so hard.

"Alright, let's get outa here". Jill said. "After you, Rainbow".

Her and Barry kept laughing all the way out of the military base, and since Chris's clothes were nowhere to be found, he had to walk through the upper and lower city dressed like Sailor Moon.

"You gotta let me go in first, Chris". Jill laughed as they reached the apartment door. "No, better yet, you go".

Chris started to protest as she opened the door, but then she pushed him into the room where the others were waiting.

"Hey guys". Liquid said as he looked up. "Did you get the WHAT THE FUCK"?

"I can explain". Chris began. "You see, what happened was

"He used his body to get the codes". Jill interupted. "Apparently the Sith Governer likes roleplay and watersports".

Liquid, Ashley, and Leon just looked at Chris for a second before bursting out with laughter.

"EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP"! He screamed, silencing the room.

He then began telling exactly what had happened down in the military base, giving acurate blow for blow descriptions of the talk he had with the Sith soldiers, the fight with Nikoli, and the drunken soldier. He told the tale calmly and passionatly, and it seemed that the others might finally be starting to realize the truth.

"That's great, Chris". Liquid said, breaking the silence. "You don't know Queen Beryl's phone number by any chance, do you"?

"Damn it, Liquid"! Chris yelled as everyone laughed. "I'm telling you the truth"!

"I think you make a cute Sailor Moon". Leon said.

"You shut the hell up, Mandalorian"! "I might not be able to kick Liquid's ass, but I'm pretty sure that I can take you"!

Everyone got quiet again, and Leon did his best to keep the smile off his face.

"I'm really sorry, Chris". He said. "I did not mean to offend you, so please... please don't punish me in the name of the moon".

Everyone burst out laughing once again, and Chris just hung his head in shame.

"Ok". Liquid said once he wiped the tears from his eyes. "We got the codes, now what is phase two of your plan"?

Suddenly the door opened, and the droid from before rolled into the apartment.

"Hey". Jill said. "Isn't that the droid we picked up from the upper city"?

"Beep-boop-bewwp-doop". It said.

"Nice to meet you, T3M4". Liquid replied. "I'm Liquid, this is Jill, Leon, Barry, Ashley, and Chris".

"Dwoop-bop-beep-dwoooooo".

"No, it's a Sailor Moon costume". "Rainbow Brite had those rainbow colored stockings".

"Hold on a second". Ashley interupted. "You can understand that thing"?

"Yeah, can't you guys"?

Everyone looked at eachother and shook their heads.

"I thought it made those noises because the designer thought it was funny". Jill replied.

"Boop-bee-doop-de-bweep-dwoop". T3M4 said.

"You're right". Liquid replied. "Not half as funny as Chris in that outfit".

Everyone started laughing again, and Chris stomped out of the room as his face turned red again.

"Ok, here's phase two of my plan". Leon said once the laughter stopped. "After we get Sailor Moon some new clothes we are going to get in my speeder and pay a visit to Davik himself".


	13. The End Of Taris

After about an hour of trying to convince Liquid to part with enough of his credits to get Chris some new clothes, they made a quick stop at the store, and then everyone got into Leon's speeder.

"I don't know about these new clothes". Chris said as they flew across the planet.

"What do you mean"? Liquid asked. "I think they make you look dashing and dangerous".

"But, I'm dressed just like you".

"That's what you get for having someone else buy your shit, but if you wanna be picky you can always go back to the Sailor Moon costume".

"I think you look like a couple of qweers". Jill replied.

"Hey Jill, what's that on your face"?

"What"?

Liquid suddenly leaned back in his seat, and kicked Jill in the side of the head. This made the speeder swerve and almost ram into a building.

"Good job, retard". Jill said as she rubbed her head. "What are you gonna do next, hit the ejecter seat button"?

Without a word Liquid dove for the button, but was restrained by Chris, Ashley, and Barry.

"Stupid Jedi bull-dike"! He yelled as they pulled him back.

They restrained him for another few seconds, but then jumped back as Jill activated her lightsaber and held it to his throat.

"The Jedi do not believe in killing their prisoners". She explained. "We believe that all life is precious... even that of a complete scumbag like you". "But I swear to God that once we hand you back over to the Republic, I will personally recommend that you be executed".

"Alright you two". Leon said. "One more thing out of either of you and I will turn this speeder around".

"He started it". Jill replied as she turned off the lightsaber.

"No, your fathers started it in a moment of passion, and I'm gonna end it in the same way in front of Chris, Ashley, and God if you two don't sit down and

He was interupted as Liquid grabbed his ear and twisted, making him once again lose control of the speeder.

"What are you doing"? He yelled. "You're gonna get us killed"!

"What's the matter, Mandalorian"? Liquid asked. "Are you afraid to die"?

"Leon the mighty is scared of no

He was interupted as Liquid twisted his ear harder, making the speeder just barely miss a bunch of oncoming traffic.

"Shut the fuck up"! Liquid ordered. "I don't like your kind anymore than I like Jedi, so think about how bad your ear hurts next time you want to tell me what to do"!

He released Leon, and the speeder was able to right itself.

"You're a brave man, Liquid". Leon said. "Not many would openly challenge a Mandalorian warrior of my caliber, and therefore you are worthy of my respect". "However we will face eachother again".

"Right, whatever". Liquid replied. "Now what is the rest of this plan of yours"?

"Oh yeah, you see Davik's always looking to hire new talent so I'm gonna say that I brought Chris there for a background check". "Now while he is running the background check, we can steal the codes to his ship's security system, and then use the Sith codes you got to escape the planet before anyone even knows that we were there in the first place".

"Wow... that's really good". Jill said. "Did you come up with all that yourself"?

"No, I used to have this game for my X-Box, and I think that's how they got away from Taris, but I always got killed before I could reach the ship". "Here we are".

He flew the speeder down to a small landing pad, and everyone got out once it came to a stop.

"Why are you doing all this"? Ashley asked.

"Because I haven't been paid in three months". Leon replied. "That and I need you guys because I don't know how to fly a starship". "But first we have a score to settle, Liquid". "HEE-YA"!

He took a swing at him, but Liquid moved to the side and stuck his foot out, making Leon eat the ground.

"Oh, you're good". Leon said as he got to his feet. "But see if you can survive Leon the mighty's Mandalorian nerve pinch"!

He leaped forward and jammed his fingers into the sides of Liquid's neck before jumping back.

"HA"! He yelled. "I've just cut off the flow of blood to your brain, and you are gonna die in thirty seconds unless you fall to your knees and beg me for your life"! HA HAAA"!

Liquid just looked at him for a second, and then punched him in the mouth, knocking Leon on his ass. Just then the door to the estate opened, and an older man walked out followed by Dog the bounty hunter.

"Hi, Davik". Leon said as he got up.

"What the hell is this, Leon"? He asked. "Who are these assholes"?

"This is Chris, the guy who won the swoop race".

"Yes, I know... why is he here"?

"Well, him and his friends are looking to work for the exchange, so I thought

"You thought what"? "That just because I took pity on your dumb ass and gave you a job, that I would do the same for everyone who just shows up at my door"?

Everyone just looked at Leon.

"I guess... I did". Leon said sadly. "But they all got skills that the exchange could find useful". "Like Barry here is really strong and not afraid to hurt people, and the droid can open locks while doubling as a bucked for when Barry gets airsick".

T3M4 rolled over too Barry, and the big guy stepped on the droid's foot. This made the top open, and the droid made strange noises when Barry vomited into it.

"Hey, that's pretty cool". Davik replied. "Dog, take them to the garage and chain them to the Ebon Hawk as a little extra security".

"Alright you two, let's go"! Dog yelled as he began pushing them toward the door. "Cause I'm the Dog, the big bad Dog... BOUNTY HUNTER"!

"You see"? Leon asked. "Everyone here is useful to you in some way". "I know Liquid here might not look like much, but he

"Liquid"! Davik interupted. "Drulla the Hutt's Liquid"? "GUARDS"!

Suddenly a dozen armed men fell from the fricken sky, and pointed their blasters at Liquid's head.

"Take this faggot to the room of a hundred torments". Davik ordered. "And administer torments one through seventeen". "I would order torment eighteen as well, but we seem to have run out of Grape Jam".

"Yes, Davik". The head guard replied.

They quickly took Liquid away, and then Davik backhanded Leon.

"You fucking idiot"! He yelled. "If I hadn't promised your Grandmother on her deathbed that I wouldn't kill you... I would kill you"! "I gave you one fucking assignment, a simple debt collection where no one was supposed to get hurt". "But instead both the debters and my collecter end up dead, and instead of the money you bring me a known agent of my worst enemy"!

"But I was just trying to help". Leon replied.

"Shut up, Leon"! "Take these two sluts to the whorehouse, and then you are grounded to your room for the next three weeks"!

Leon hung his head as he led Jill and Ashley toward the door. Then Davik turned back to Chris.

"I saw what you did in the swoop race". He said. "Pretty clever killing all of the racers so that you would win for sure... the exchange could use a man with that kind of determination if you're interested". "But if not I can have my guards just throw you off the landing pad".

Chris looked over the edge and gasped when he saw that the bottom was nowhere in sight.

"Oh, I'm interested". He quickly said. "I'd love to work for the exchange".

"Excellent". Davik replied as he put his arm around Chris. "Let me give you a tour of my estate, then after an invasive background check, you could be part of the exchange". "This way".

He led Chris toward the door to begin the tour, while at the same time Liquid was being thrown into a force cage next to another guy who looked like he had been there for awhile.

"Now let me explain how this works". The guard said as the force cage activated. "Now you may think that these two cages are seperate, but this is not the case". "Most cages like this shock the living hell out of the dumbass who touches the death field, but since most prisoners of Davik are good and decent people, these were made to work on the honor system".

"What do you mean"? Liquid asked.

"That means that if you touch the field, your buddy in the next cage gets shocked instead of you". "Sure this means that you could force your way out, but the fear of killing an innocent man in the process will keep your goody-goody ass trapped here forever".

The guards laughed as they walked out, and then the door closed, leaving the two prisoners alone.

"Don't worry, friend". The other guy said. "If we hold onto our faith, then justice will prevail and everything will work out in the

His speech turned into an electricity-induced scream as Liquid threw himself into the forcefield. It took about a minute of trying, but eventually he broke through the field and hit the floor. Then he got to his feet, and saw that the other prisoner was now just a burned skeleton... so he shrugged and walked out of the torture chamber.

Meanwhile Leon was leading Jill and Ashley down another hall.

"Is this part of your plan"? Ashley asked.

"No, I didn't expect to get grounded'. He replied. "What a bummer". "Now you guys think that I'm a total loser".

"Don't be silly, Leon". Jill said. "We thought that to begin with". "Now what's the next part of your plan"?

"Oh that... well, now all we gotta do is save your friends and steal Davik's ship, the Ebon Hawk". "We just gotta make one little stop first at the whorehouse first so that he thinks you are working".

Jill and Ashley just looked at him as they reached the door.

"I'm serious". He continued. "This will only take a second".

They both rolled their eyes, and allowed Leon to open the door to a room that was full of about ten skantly clad Twilek slavegirls.

"Ladies". Leon said as he walked in. "Your prayers have been answered".

"LEON"! The slavegirls squeeled as he and the girls walked in. "ITS LEON"!

Music began to play, and everyone began dancing, leaving Jill and Ashley just standing there in disbelief.

"Leon the mighty, master of virility". The slavegirls sang. "Every woman wants him, he's so sexy its a sin". "If you want a special tryst, he's the man you can't resist". "By every measure he's a prize".

"Just check out my shoe size". Leon sang. "HA HAA"!

"Leon the mighty, Captain of debauchery". "He never seems to get enough, of our tantalizing stuff". "If you need some company, with Leon its a guarentee".

"Of the highest potency, HA HAA"!

"Hell, we'd even work for free, because he's Leon... Leon the mighty"!

The music stopped as Jill and Ashley each took one of his arms, and dragged him out of the whorehouse. Meanwhile Chris's tour of the estate covered the garage, as well as the spice labs, and finally the room that he would be staying in.

"Ok, check it out". Davik said. "You will stay here as my guest for the next few days while we run your background check". "I know it shouldn't take that long, but AOL is the only intenet service provider out here on the outer rim, so what can you do"? "Now the slave quarters are just down the hall if you need anything, but if you go anywhere else my guards will fucking evicerate you, got it"?

"Got it". Chris replied.

"Good".

Davik left without another word, and as soon as he was gone Chris ran out the door for the slave quarters. However he was stopped as he ran right into Liquid who shoved him back into the room and closed the door.

"Enjoying yourself"? Liquid asked. "Having a grand old time while I was sent to the torture chamber"? "Is that what's cool on the streets, leaving your friends to rot in a forcecage while you head right to the whorehouse"?

Suddenly the door opened, and Jill and Ashley dragged Leon in.

"See"? Jill asked as they dropped Leon. "I told you he'd be out already". "There's not a prison in the Republic that can hold him, and that's why I recommend execution".

"Nice to see you too, Jill". Liquid replied. "And just what the hell were you three doing while I was in the torture chamber"?

"We were at the whorehouse". Ashley explained. "And I saw the weirdest shit that... couldn't have actually happened". "Can we leave before it happens again"?

"I guess". Leon replied. "We need to get to the Ebon Hawk".

"Oh, I know where that is"! Chris said excitedly. "Davik showed me where it is, and even gave me the codes"!

Without another word Chris took off running out of the room, and everyone followed, but then the ground shook violently, making them all fall on their faces.

"What the hell was that"? Liquid asked as the ground kept shaking.

Suddenly a wall monitor came to life with a news broadcast.

"We interupt our regularly schedualed program for this special announcement". The anchorman said. "It appears that the Sith have finally lost it and are now carpet bombing all of Taris". "So we ask our viewers to remain calm because WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE"!

Suddenly the monitor went dead and the lights started flickering. The ground was shaking even more now and explosions could be heard as everyone got to their feet and followed Chris to the garage. And they got there just in time to see Davik and Dog entering through the other door.

"These God damn Sith"! Davik yelled as the estate started shaking even more. "We need to get out of... what the fuck is this"?

"I can explain, Davik"! Leon yelled.

"So can I". "You freak-monkeys came in here wantin to jack my shit so you could get away while I was stuck here, right"? "Dog, kill them".

"Yes"! Dog yelled. "I'm gonna kill them until they die because I'm the Dog, the big bad Dod... BOUNTY

His rantings were interupted as the ceiling exploded, and it came down completely burrying Davik and Dog. Jill used her lightsaber to free Barry and T3M4, and then everyone ran onto the ship.

Meanwhile above the skies of Taris, Admiral Karath once again walked across the bridge toward Darth Wesker.

"Did you get my cheeseburger"? He asked.

"Yes, Lord Wesker". Admiral Karath replied as he handed it to him.

"Well, it's about fucking time". "I'm fricken starving up here".

"Lord Wesker, about the attack on Taris".

"What"? "Oh yeah, I almost forgot". "What about it"?

"Its going great... I mean we took them completely by surprise, and the city is completely in ruins".

"Then let the ass whoopin continue"! "Destroy, murder, burn, torture, castrate, and rape"! HA HAA"!

Back in the Ebon Hawk Chris ran to the cockpit and jumped into the pilot's seat, but then Liquid grabbed him by the hair and made him move. Then he sat down and began powering up the engines.

"Hold on everyone". He said as he hit the throttle.

Suddenly everyone fell over as the ship flew sideways and smashed right through the garage wall.

"Oops". Liquid said as he righted it. "This must be one of the old models".

"Can you fly this thing or not"? Jill asked.

"Hey Jill, look at this monitor for a second".

She leaned in for a closer look, and Liquid swung his fist up, hitting her in the mouth and making her fall on her ass. Then he hit the gas and our heroes flew away as Taris was slowly bombed into dust by the entire Sith fleet.

"We've taken some damage". Liquid said. "We're gonna have to find a place to stop for repairs or we're as good as dead".

"Can we jump to hyperspace"? Jill asked.

"No, you half wit". "Thats why I said we need a place for repairs".

Now the lights began to flicker as the engine started to bog down.

"Bweep-dooop-beep-doooooooo". T3M4 said.

"What"? Liquid asked. "Yavin IV"? "Why"?

"Doop-beep-bwooop".

"Alright, if you say so". "Setting course for Yavin IV".

He banked the Ebon Hawk to the left, and the slowly failing ship floated across the darkness toward the planet of Yavin IV.


	14. Yavin IV Repair Station

As the Ebon Hawk continued on its way, Chris, Jill, and Leon walked up to the cockpit where Liquid was asleep in his chair.

"Aw, he's so cute". Jill said as they looked at him. "I almost can't bring myself to do things like this".

She then punched him in the side of the head, making him scream and throw a bunch of wild punches as he woke up.

"Oh, its you". He said after calming down.

"We need to talk". Jill replied. "There are some problems on this ship that need to be addressed, and I'm not just talking about the toilet".

"What's wrong with the toilet"?

Suddenly there was an explosion as Barry crashed right through the bathroom door, followed by a large splash of water.

"Ah, those enchalaidas". He said as he got up.

"Oh, that". Liquid replied. "T3M4 says that can be fixed at the Yavin repair station".

"Can you really understand that thing"? Jill asked. "Or are just making shit up"?

"How could I make up something about a planet that I've never been to"? "I was only able to plot a course because it was in the navicomputer". "So if there's nothing else, I would really like to get back to my nap".

"We have other things to discuss, Liquid".

"Like what"?

"Like the Anaconda in the air ducts for one".

Suddenly Chris screamed, and everyone looked just in time to see his feet vanish into the air duct.

"Chris"? Leon asked as he looked into the duct.

"Alright". Liquid said as he rolled his eyes. "Put it on the list of shit we need fixed, now is there anything else I can help you with before I get to spend time with the Jill in my dreams"?

"You know, Liquid". She replied. "Normally I would cut you down for a remark like that, but I'm willing to let it go for today because we have one more problem that needs to be solved before I chuck your ass out an airlock".

"And that would be"?

"Someone needs to talk to Ashley". "Her planet was just blown to hell along with everyone she ever knew, and I don't think she's accepted it yet".

"Great". "A good case of denial can be healthy at times". "Now if you will excuse me, the naughty nurse version of you is waiting for me in dreamland".

"Damn it, Liquid, someone needs to talk to her".

Liquid sighed deeply, and took his feet off the controls while spining the pilot's chair around.

"So go talk to her". He said. "You are a woman, right"? "Aren't you supposed to be all about maternal instinct or woman's intuition or something"? "Its bad enough that you can't cook, but you should atleast be able to give someone a shoulder to cry on".

"First off, none of the freaks on this ship can cook". Jill replied. "That's why we have to eat these field ration packs that have been on this ship since the war with Exar Kun".

"Look on the bright side". Leon said. "Atleast they still taste like creamed corn".

"It's deviled ham, you dipshit"! "Anyway, Liquid, I feel that it would be best if you talked to Ashley".

Everyone was quiet for a second and then Liquid and Leon burst out laughing, joined a second later by Chris as he crawled back out of the air duct.

"Are you completely insane"? Liquid asked. "What demon would posess you to suggest something like that when even I know its a bad idea"?

"Because, Liquid". She replied. "You are the only other person on this ship who has had their planet destroyed by the Sith".

The whole ship got quiet as Liquid realized that Jill had a point. He and Ashley had both lost their homes and families to the Sith, and he really was the only one who could understand her feelings...

Under these circumstances, there was only one thing that he could do.

"Go talk to her, Leon". He said. "You kinda look like a woman, and since Jill has failed epicly in that role, you are the next best thing for the job".

"Are you crazy"? Jill and Leon asked.

"Oh come on, Leon". "Even if you can't help, just the fact that you are willing to listen to her silly blubbering will make her so grateful that she'll probably sleep with you on the spot".

"You think"? He asked.

"Oh yeah, traumatized teen girls are a sure thing".

Without another word Leon took off running, and after slipping on the water from the broken toilet, he continued on to the starboard side of the ship where Ashley was sitting on the bed.

"What do you want"? She asked.

"Ashley". Leon replied as he knelt down in front of her. "I thought you might need someone to talk to about Taris".

"What do you mean"?

"I mean IT'S GONE"! "THE WORLD WHERE YOU WERE BORN AND RAISED HAS BEEN REDUCED TO A BURNING BALL OF NOTHING, AND EVERYONE YOU EVER KNEW AND LOVED WAS BURNED TO A CRISP"!

"Leon, I know that... and I'm trying to deal with

"THEY DIED SCREAMING AND BURNING"! "THERE'S NO POINT IN TRYING TO DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT EVERY PERSON THAT YOU WILL EVER MEET IS GOING TO DIE... AND YOU WILL BE LEFT ALL ALONE IN THIS COLD AND CRUEL GALAXY"! "AHHHHHHHHHH"!

"AHHHHHHHHH"!

"AHHHHHHHHH"!

"AHHHHHHHHH"!

Ashley was now shaking, and Leon was satisfied that he had done a good job consloing this poor girl. There was now only one thing so say.

"So". Leon continued. "Do you swallow"?

The next thing he saw was her fist coming at his face, and he hit the floor just before the ship banked hard left.

"Attention all douchebags". Liquid said over the intercom. "We are now approaching the repair station that orbits the forest moon of Yavin IV".

The approach to the small station was slow, but eventually the Ebon Hawk entered the docking bay, and came to a rest on the landing pad.

"Ok". Jill said as everyone gathered in the map room. "I want you all to be on your best behavior, so that we can get this busted ass ship fixed and be on our way without incident". "That being said, here is what I want to happen: we will see whoever is in charge and pay them whatever they want for the repairs, then we will sit in the waiting area untill they are fnished". "Then we will leave this place and continue on our way".

No one said anything, so Jill led everyone off the ship where they were greeted by a Rodian who seemed to be getting up in the years.

"Welcome to Yavin Station". He said. "I'm Bill the Rodian, what can I do for you young people today".

"Our ship is all kinds of tore up". Jill replied. "Our droid has a list of everything that needs to be fixed".

T3M4 rolled up to the Rodian and displayed a holographic list of the problems. He looked at it for a minute, and then you could almost see the dollar signs flash across his eyes.

"All that work... hmmm". Bill said after the list vanished. "Tell you what... with my state of the art technology I can get it done for you in one day good as new for... oh I'd say... ten thousand credits".

Liquid suddenly spit out the water he was getting from the drinking fountain.

"Liquid". She said. "How much do you have left from Taris"?

"Not a thing". He replied. "But for ten thousand we could almost get a new ship".

Jill rolled her eyes.

"Just a second". She said to Bill.

She walked over to Liquid and looked him in the eyes. She hated to use the force for things like this, but there was no other choice.

"You want to pay the credits". She said with a wave of her hand.

"You want to suck my dick". He replied. "Mind tricks only work on people like Chris, and there ain't no way in hell that I'm gonna pay ten thousand credits for a repair job".

"Alright, eight thousand". Bill said. "But that's my final offer".

"Seven".

"Done".

Liquid took the credits out of his pocket, and handed them to Bill. The rodian then snapped his fingers, and a bunch of droids went to work on the ship. Jill glared at Liquid as she and the others walked toward the waiting area, and instead of following them he walked up to Bill.

"So, uh... Bill, right"? He asked.

"That's right". The Rodian replied. "What can I do for you"?

"I was just wondering if there is anything to do around here while we wait". "Besides sitting in a waiting area, I mean".

"Hmmm... well some of the more adventurous tourists like to visit the tomb of Exar Kun". "Its only fifty credits to borrow the shuttle that can take you to the forest moon's surface where the tomb has lied undisturbed since the war some fourty years ago".

"Undisturbed"? "I'm in".

He handed Bill the fifty credits, and Bill gave him the launch codes for the shuttle. Liquid then crept up to the others, and grabbed Chris and Leon before they could enter the waiting area.

"There's an undisturbed tomb on the moon's surface". He explained. "That means that we can break in and take all the valuable stuff without anyone knowing".

"Unguarded"? Leon asked.

"Oh yeah... and Bill said that its the tomb of Exar Kun, so you know that there's gonna be some good stuff on the inside".

"Cool". "As a Mandalorian warrior I love to take shit from people who have no possible way of stopping me".

"You wanna rob the dead"? Chris asked. "That's disgusting, and I want no part of it".

"I see". Liquid replied. "So after everything we've been through together, you are just gonna up and ditch me because of some petty and selfish respect for the dead"? "I thought we were friends, Chris, but I guess I was wrong if I can't count on you to help me out with something as small as defiling a sacred burial site".

"I didn't mean it like that, Liquid". "I mean, sure we're friends... so... alright, I'll help you".

"Great, I knew I could count on you guys". "I already got the codes for the orbital shuttle, so let's go grave robbing".

"Ok, I'm just gonna let Jill know where we're going".

He started to walk away, but Liquid and Leon grabbed him. Then they dragged him down the hall to where the orbital shuttle was docked.

"And there she is". Liquid said as they boarded. "I just hope that its not too hard to get into the tomb because all I got is my blaster and your thick skulls". "Oh well, we'll figure something out when we get there".

"I'm still not sure about this". Chris said. "Won't people be a bit upset about us just breaking into their tomb like that"?

"Not likely, but if they do, we have a big stonr Mandalorian warrior to hold them off while we escape".

"That you do". Leon said as music started playing. "Leon the mighty roams through the countryside, he never needs a

The music suddenly ended as Liquid kicked him in the nuts.

"Not that song again"! Liquid yelled as he got in the pilot's seat. "The melody is terrible, and I can't get it out of my head".

He powered up the engines, and soon the orbital shuttle was on its way to the surface of the forest moon.


	15. Exar Kun's Tomb

It was only a short pre-programed flight, and before they knew it the shuttle touched down on a small clearing in the forest. Then the door folded back down into a ramp, and they were able to walk out.

"This place is pretty". Leon said. "It kinda reminds me of Alderan or maybe Dantooine".

"Well, it reminds me of Uranus". Liquid replied. "We are here to work, so where is this tomb"?

"There it is". Chris said as he pointed.

They looked where he was pointing, and then gasped as lightning crashed above the big scary pyramid looking thing that dominated almost their entire field of vision. Scary music began to play, and the sky above the tomb was black as night where it was blue and clear everywhere else.

"Uh... yeah". Liquid said as he looked at it.

"Maybe that's not it". Leon replied. "Maybe that's the planet's information center or something, and the tomb is actually somewhere far away from here".

It was a nice thought, but then they saw the sign next to the tomb door that read:

TOMB OF EXAR KUN

FLEE WHILE YOU CAN OF SUFFER LIKE THE POOR BASTARD BELOW

They all slowly looked downward, and froze as they saw the body of a freshly killed man who had been turned inside out, and then folded neatly in half.

"You know". Liquid said. "Something like this can be counted as a biohazard to tourists, so in the interest of public safety I feel that we should go back to the station and report this".

Lightning crashed again as they ran screaming back into the shuttle. Then Liquid pushed the start button...

And nothing happened.

So he waited a few seconds and pushed the button again, but still nothing happened.

"MAKE IT GO"! Leon screamed as he grabbed Liquid.

"Get off me". He replied as he pushed Leon into the other seat. "The important thing to do in these situations is to stay calm". "Now I know that it's a pretty scary coincidence that a storm to be brewing above the scary temple at the same time that the shuttle stopps working, but I'm sure that this kinda thing happens all the time". "So I'm just gonna try to use the radio to contact the station". "Chris, what is this shuttle's designation"?

Chris walked toward the back and looked at the info plate on the wall.

"Shuttle X". He said.

Liquid nodded, and turned on the radio. Thankfully it worked, and within seconds they had a response.

"This is Yavin station". Bill's voice said.

"This is X speaking". Liquid replied.

"Trex"?

"No, X".

"Lexx"?

"No, X as in um, uh, as in...

"X and bacon". Leon said.

"X and bac

He stopped talking long enough to smack Leon in the head.

"This busted ass shuttle is fucked up". Liquid continued. "We're trapped on the forest moon next to the tempe of Exar Kun".

"Really"? Bill asked. "That's not a good neighborhood at all". "Tell me, what are your defensive capabilities at this time"?

"Well we all got blasters, but these two dumbasses with me aren't worth a damn in a fight, so can you help us out"?

The radio was quiet for a few seconds.

"My advice". Bill said. "Is for you to stand on your head".

They all just looked at eachother.

"What the hell does that mean"? Liquid asked.

"Stand on your head". Bill replied. "With your thumb up your ass, because that shuttle is not the only thing down there that's fucked". "They're coming for you, and then you dickheads are gonna die just like all the others".

Suddenly the radio went dead, and the sky got darker and darker until nothing could be seen outside of the shuttle.

"Is anyone else about to wet themselves"? Leon asked.

"What do you mean, about to"? Chris replied. "I passed that point when we found the sign".

Lightning crashed again, illuminating the area outside the shuttle for a second before everything went black again.

"Well, guys". Liquid said. "I got some good news and some bad news". "The good news is that we don't have to worry about the shuttle anymore".

"What's the bad news"? Chris asked.

"The bad news is that we are surrounded by about a hundred guys in scary black robes". "SO RUN FOR YOUR LIVES"!

He pulled out his blaster and shot right past Chris, hitting the first robed man who tried to come up the ramp. He fired three more times before rushing right at them, then at the last second he dove right over them, rolling across the ground and vanishing into the forest.

"Let him go". One of the robed men said. "Everything's cool as long as we get atleast one".

"Looks like we gotta fight our way out, Leon". Chris said as he took out his blaster. "Leon"?

He looked around, but Leon was gone.

"Oh shit". He said as the men got closer. "What do you want with me"?

"We're taking you to the temple". The closest robed man replied. "But first you must be purified with pain".

Suddenly the robed men rushed at him, and the blaster fell out of his hand as they lifted him above their heads. They quickly carried him out of the shuttle and tossed him on the ground, before all of them started punching and kicking him. He also got poked in the eye, tickled in the ribbs until he pissed himself again, and someone gave his the worst wedgie that he ever had nightmares about.

"To the temple"! Another robed man yelled. "The master will be pleased"!

They once again lifted Chris above their heads, and the door to the temple opened, slamming shut as soon as he had been taken inside to the torch lit chamber. Next he was carried up a very long ramp which led to another door. It opened as they approached, and on the count of three the robed men tossed him into the dark room before cheering as the door closed.

Now in total darkness, Chris was terrified out of his mind. But then a bunch of torches ignited on the walls, revealing that he was in some kind of burial chamber...

And that he was not alone.

"Welcome". A large man said. "I am impressed that you survived the purification process". "You see, most don't even survive the first ass-whoopin, let alone the wedgie".

"Who are you"? Chris asked as he got up.

"I am Exar Kun, Dark Lord of the Sith". "I have been living here for the past fourty five years, with only the screams of my victims to keep me from going mad".

"Now, you see... everything was cool up until that last part". "Why couldn't you have said something like: with only my knitting to keep me from going mad"?

Suddenly Exar picked up a vibroblade, and started walking toward Chris.

"My mother wanted me to do knitting". He said as Chris backed up against the wall. "Are you the reincarnated spirit of my mother, come to belittle me about my life choices again"? "IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE HERE FOR, MOTHER"!

"No"! Chris yelled as the vibroblade was put to his throat. "I'm not your mother"! "We came here to see the tomb, and then everyone ran off, and I got beat up by a bunch of guys in dresses or something, and I just wanna go home"!

"How dare you deny that you have a son, mother"? "Are you that ashamed of me"? "Is it because I became a Sith Lord instead of an Orthopedist like my sister"? "Nothing I ever did was good enough for you, AND DON'T YOU EVER YELL AT ME"!

Chris screamed like a girl as Exar Kun raised the vibroblade for the kill. But then he stopped and just glared at him for a second.

"Wait". Exar said. "I sense... the force is very strong in you". "I get it now... you tried to trick me into thinking you were my mother in order to see if I was the real thing, huh"? "Because only a true Sith could see through a disguise like that".

"Um... yeah". Chris replied. "There's um, no fooling you at all, is there"? "Well, I gotta go".

Exar just stood there for a second, and then his face became sad.

"I get it". He said sadly. "You don't wanna hang out cause you think I'm a loser, right"? "You think I'm just another nerd who got his ass kicked everyday in high school, right"?

"No, not at all". Chris replied.

"Don't give me that backtrackin bullshit". "You think that your friends will laugh at you for hanging out with me, but I have more friends because I use drugs, than you could ever have in your life". "I don't need you SO DIE"! "AHHHHHHH"!

He swung the vibroblade, but Chris moved out of the way, making him slash the lock on the door instead. Then Chris ran out of the room, and Exar Kun followed him down the ramp while swinging the vibroblade wildly.

"Don't push me away, mother"! Exar yelled as he chased him.

"I'm not your mother"! Chris screamed. "Leave me alone"!

The chase continued until Chris reached the front door of the tomb, but it was still sealed, so he had nowhere to run as Exar reached the bottom of the ramp.

"So, mother". He said. "Not only did you disown me... but you killed all my friends too"?

Chris was confused for a second, but then he saw the blood on Exar Kun's vibroblade, along with all of the now dead robed men laying all over the ramp.

"You did that yourself"! Chris yelled.

"No, mother"! He yelled. "Stop blaming me for your failings as a parent"!

He screamed like a madman as he raised the vibroblade and ran at Chris. There was nowhere for him to run, so it looked like this was the end, but then Exar Kun slipped on some of the blood, and fell on his own vibroblade.

As soon as he stopped moving, the door to the tomb unlocked, and as it opened Chris saw that the sky was once again blue and clear. It was like defeating Exar Kun had ended a curse or something, and that meant that Chris was a hero.

He had a spring in his step as he walked back over to the shuttle, but his good mood was ended as he felt his foot hit a tripwire an instant before a rope tightened around his ankles. The next thing he knew he was hanging upside down a few feet off the ground.

"HA HAA"! Liquid yelled as he came out of the woods and pointed his blaster at Chris's face. "You thought you and your robed buddies could get me too, huh"?

"Liquid, it's me"! He yelled. "It's Chris"! "Exar Kun and the robed men are all dead"! "That's how I escaped"!

"Is that so"? "Well Chris, if that's who you really are, I supposed you used all of your Jedi training to defeat them and escape, right"?

"What are you talking about"? "I'm not a Jedi"! "Exar Kun killed his own people while he was chasing me, and then the stupid bastard fell on his own vibroblade". "All I did was piss myself, and get accused of being someone's mother"!

Liquid stood there for a second, and then he shot the rope, making Chris scream as he hit the ground.

"Just had to make sure". He said as he helped Chris up. "Only the real Chris could come up with a story that, and when dealing with someone as dangerous as Exar Kun, you gotta be careful".

"What do you mean"?

"Well, they say the force can do terrible things to your mind". "It can wipe away your memories, and make you spend the rest of your life thinking that you're a Twilek hooker or something". "Alright, let's go".

Chris followed Liquid back onto the shuttle, and not surprisingly it started up.

"Where's Leon"? Chris asked.

"I'm here". Leon's voice said as the cover was kicked out of the air duct. "I dove in here when they came in". "I would have told you to do the same thing, but I didn't want them to hear me and know where I was".

He crawled out of the duct, and Chris was about to attack him, but then the shuttle lifted off, making them both hit the floor.

Not five minutes later the shuttle landed back at Yavin station, and let's say that Bill the Rodian was more than a bit surprised to see them.

"Oh shit"! He yelled as they walked in. "I, uh, um... no charge for the repairs"! "Everything's done, so you guys can just leave, and um, uh...

He handed Liquid the credits that he paid for the repairs and the shuttle rental.

"Thank you, Bill". Liquid replied. "Chris, could you tell the others that we're leaving, please"?

Chris walked to the waiting area, and soon everyone else was on the Ebon Hawk, leaving Liquid alone with Bill.

"Stand on my head, huh"? He asked. "That was a nice touch".

"Come on, it was just business". Bill replied as he started sweating bullets. "But everyone's fine and you got your money back, so no hard feelings, right"?

"Sure, no hard feelings at all".

Liquid then kicked him in the nuts and then shot him in the head as he doubled over.

"Pleasure doing business with you". He said as he walked onto the ship.

"Its about time". Jill said as he sat in the pilot's seat. "What kept you"?

"Oh nothin".

"Good, now plot a course for Dantooine". "There is a Jedi encalave there where we should be safe for awhile".

"Great, more Jedi's".

Now that all the systems were fixed, the Ebon Hawk easily pulled out of the station's docking bay, and moments later they made the jump to hyperspace.


	16. Destination Dantooine

Through a misty haze Jill could be seen kicking a dark Jedi in the nuts before cutting him down with her lightsaber.

"Ah, the nut kick". She said. "They never see it coming".

Next she and three other Jedi continued across the bridge of the large Sith warship to where a masked Sith lord was just finishing off two more Jedi with his amazing lightsaber skills. Then he laughed at the dead bodies, and faced the approaching Jill.

"You're fucked, Revan". She said. "Not only did my battle meditation allow us to board your ship, but it will also be the one thing that allows the Republic to destroy your entire fleet". "So I'm not exactly sure why they would send me in a raid against the most dangerous Sith to ever live, but what can you do"?

Darth Revan just stood there for a second before flipping her off. Then he tossed his lightsaber at one of the Jedi, cutting her in half while he used lightning on the second and finally just choked the third. This made the three Jedi fall dead as Revan caught his lightsaber, leaving him alone with Jill.

"Aw, crap". She said as he beckoned to her. "Well, look at the time". "Its been fun, but I gotta go".

She started toward the door, but with a wave of Revan's hand, her only escape route was sealed shut. So she turned around and got ready to face him, but something out the window caught her eye as he twirled his lightsaber around his body.

It was coming from another Sith warship, and it almost looked like weapon fire.

"OH SHIT"! Jill screamed as she hit the floor.

The explosion went off right behind Revan, engulfing him entirely before sending him crashing to the floor right in front of Jill. His mask had also been sent sliding across the floor, and as Jill turned him over onto his back she saw...

Chris woke from his nap suddenly as a jet of water was sprayed in his face.

"Abandon ship"! He yelled as he sat up. "I'll never let go, Jack"!

"Dwoop-bop-be-doop". T3M4 replied.

"Oh, its you". "What was that for"?

A monitor showing the time was displayed on the droid for a second, and then it rolled away.

"But I didn't ask to be woke up". Chris said as he wiped the water from his face.

He got out of bed, and found the ship to be dark and quiet as he wandered around. Jill and Ashley were sharing the quarters on the starboard side of the ship, Barry was sprawled out in the port side quarters, and Leon was passed out in the medical bay with a bunch of pills scattered on the floor around him.

"How come everyone else gets a bed"? He grumbled to himself.

There was light coming from the cockpit, so he walked toward it and found Liquid and T3M4 playing chess on one of the monitors. There were also a bunch of shot-glasses sitting on the dashboard. Five of them had a dark drink inside, while the eight other glasses were empty.

"Hi, Chris". Liquid said as he made a move. "I was about to teach this little garbage can how a real man plays chess".

Next T3M4 made his move, and the word 'checkmate' flashed across the screen before the monitor went dead.

"You little bastard". Liquid said as he took a shot before slamming the glass back down.

"Do-bopp-bep-dwoooooo". T3M4 replied.

"I am not a sore loser". "But there is no way that you can beat me ten times in a row, so one more game".

Suddenly the droid turned away, and rolled out of the cockpit.

"Pussy"! Liquid yelled as he took another shot. "You're only running away because you know I'll beat you"! "Oh well, more for me".

He began taking the rest of the shots, and then Chris sat down in the other chair.

"Uh, Liquid". He said. "Do you think its a good idea to be drinking while you're flying the ship"?

"Not really, no". Liquid replied. "But it serves as a cheap and cowardly way of avoiding my inner feelings while giving me a false sense of uphoria at the same time". "I even left one for you, so drink up".

Chris looked at the drink for a second.

"I don't know". He said. "I'm not really much of a drinker".

"Good". Liquid said. "They say that admiting your problem is the first step to recovery".

"How is being a non-drinker a problem"?

"Because drinking helps you to fit in during social occasions, and it also makes you constantly feel good and confident about yourself". "But if you don't drink then you will stand out, and not only will you not be able to enjoy whatever you are doing at the time, but it also makes people feel uncomfortable around you".

"No way".

"Yes way". "They will start to think that you don't drink because you think you're better than them, or that you are some kind of a 'holier than thou' religious freak". "So which is it, Chris"? "Is your God a douchbag that won't let you enjoy the finer things in life, or do you just think that you're better than me"?

"Neither one". "And I can be just as cool as the next guy".

"Then prove it by taking a shot of Dragon's Period Ale". "Come one, Chris, it's time to be part of the cool crowd... unless you're too scared".

Without hesitation Chris grabbed the shot-glass and downed the contents like a pro. Then his eyes got all bloodshot, and he fell to his knees as smoke started to come out of his ears. Suddenly the room began to spin, and he screamed as a small stream of fire shot out of his mouth.

Suddenly the whole ship was on fire, and Liquid just kept laughing as the Devil stepped out of the flames.

"We must roast the pig and burn together"! The Devil said. "The night time is the right time"! "All your friends are laughing behind your back... KILL THEM"!

Chris shut his eyes and screamed again, but this was stopped as he felt someone smack him in the face.

"What is all the screaming about"? Jill demanded. "Do you have any idea what time it is"?

Chris looked around, and saw that the ship was no longer on fire. The Devil was gone, and he no longer felt like the human torch.

"Jesus Christ". She continued as she looked at the empty glasses. "Have you two been drinking"?

"Yeah we have". Liquid replied. "What are you gonna do about it"?

"I expected this kind of behavior from you, Liquid... but Chris... Chris, I'm very dissapointed in you".

"Why me"? Chris asked. "Liquid gave it to me".

"You can't blame others for your choices, Chris". "Sure, Liquid is the worst enabler that I've ever seen, but as the main character of this story you should be setting a better example for those around you". "Why, just look at what your actions have done to Barry".

"I'M SCARRED FOR LIFE"! Barry screamed as he ran across the ship in his boxers. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH"!

"Oh God, what have I done"? Chris cried. "I just wanted to fit in... no one was supposed to get hurt".

"Drinking doesn't make you cool, Chris". A guy in an Army uniform said as music began to play.

"General Hawk"! Everyone exclaimed.

"Drinking might make you feel good for a short time, but the feelings are fake, and before you know it you will feel even worse than before when the alcohol wears off". "And thanks to our marvelous immune systems your body will build a tolerence, meaning that you will have to drink more and more each time to get the same feeling". "You will also feel worse everytime that you come down, meaning that instead of feeling good, you will have to drink to feel normal".

"That's aweful". Chris replied.

"Yes it is, Chris". "Drinking also takes away all your fears and inhibitions, allowing you to act as you truly are, instead of the whipped little bitch that your friends and family expects". "So think about that next time you feel like cracking open that next beer".

"Now I know".

"And knowing is half the battle".

"G.I. JOE"! Everyone sang.

Suddenly Chris felt something smack him in the face, and he opened his eyes just in time to see the hand before it hit him again.

"Wake up, Chris"! Liquid yelled as he kept smacking him. "Wake up"!

He smacked him one more time, and Chris sat up.

"Liquid, thank God its you"! He exclaimed. "I dreamed that Jill blew up Revan, then I saw the Devil, and General Hawk called me a whipped little bitch"!

"You slept good then"? Liquid asked.

"I guess".

"Great, because you were screaming like a lunatic, and why do you always wet the bed"?

Chris looked down, and then jumped out of bed as he saw the large yellow spot.

"Aw, gross"! He exclaimed.

"Yes, that is". Liquid said. "I'm sure glad that you are the one who gets to do the laundry around here".

"Why do I have to do the laundry"?

"Because we all have to earn our keep on this ship, that's why". "What, did you think that this was some kind of videogame where no one ever has to eat or use the bathroom"? "I suppose that you thought we could just wear the same stuff everyday too, huh"?

"Well... ok". "But what is everyone else doing"?

"Worry about yourself". "Now get dressed and start cleaning these sheets, because we're almost to Dantooine". "Just because we're ghetto around here, that doesn't mean that we have to look like it".

Liquid walked out of the room as Chris hung his head. Then he walked back toward the cockpit, when Jill joined him.

"So when exactly did you become in charge"? She asked as they walked.

"When I took over this bitch". He replied. "And the ship's not gonna clean itself, which is why I got Chris doing the laundry and Leon scrubbing the toilets". "I want you and Ashley to start doing some jobs around here, too".

"What kind of jobs"?

"I don't know... hand jobs... blow jobs... whatever". "As Captain of this ghetto-rigged barge I demand that all crewmembers do their part".

"And what the hell do you know about being the Captain of a ship"? "All you had in the Republic fleet was a one man fighter".

"I will have you know that I have plenty of command experience". "Why they even let me out of prison to fill in for Captain Picard once".

(FLASHBACK)

The turbolift door opened, and Liquid stepped onto the bridge of the Republic starship Enterprise D.

"Captain on the Bridge"! Geordi announced.

"Thanks alot, Reading Rainbow"! Liquid yelled as he pulled off Geordi's visor. "Now all my enemies know where to find me, so take a walk"!

He tossed the visor across the room, and Geordi fell over the handrail as he tried to find it.

"Mr. Worf". Liquid said as he walked over to the tactical station. "Phaser status".

"FUCK YOUR PHASERS"! Worf screamed as he ripped the console off.

He then tossed it at a bunch of crewmen before dissapearing into the turbolift.

"Captain Liquid"! Wesley Crusher yelled as he ran up to him. "Captain Liquid"! "I was running my latest experiment to show how smart I am, when

He was interupted as Liquid's foot slammed into his nuts.

"OH GOD"! He screamed as he fell to his hands and knees. "MY HAIRLESS ADOLESENT BALLS"!

"Explain something to me, Wesley". Liquid said. "If you are so smart, then how come they sent you to the academy AFTER you had already recieved a field promotion"?

"I don't know".

"Oh, the smart kid doesn't know, huh"? "Then as a test of your abilities, we will see if you can outsmart an airlock". "GUARDS"! "Eject this mother fucker into the cold darkness of space"!

Wesley screamed as the guards took him away, and Liquid was just getting to sit down in his chair when Commander Riker approached him.

"Captain, we need to talk". He said. "There are some problems on this ship, and it is your duty to address them".

"Number one". Liquid replied. "I order you to take a number two".

"Captain, this is serious". "Just look at Data".

Suddenly the android emitted a high pitch electronic scream as sparks and smoke came from his head. Next he bashed his station until it was nothing, and then started to strangle the crewman sitting next to him.

"What's his problem"? Liquid asked.

"It's these Republic budget cuts". Riker explained. "We no longer have the credits to maintain all of his top level stuff, so we took out his neural net and replaced it with a Pentium II processer".

"INTEL INSIDE, MOTHER FUCKERS"! Data screamed as he attacked another crewmember.

"Well, that's the Republic for you". "Now be awesome, and have the following crewmembers meet me in my readyroom". "Dr. Crusher, Counciler Troy, and Lieutenant Yarr".

(FLASHFORWARD)

"You expect me to be inspired by that"? Jill asked.

"Dwoop-beep-dwoop-bwoo-bopp-beep". T3M4 said as it rolled into the cockpit.

"Already"? Liquid asked. "I thought we were still an hour away".

"Dwooooo-beep-boop".

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that nap I took". "All hands, we will be arriving at Dantooine in about three minutes".

The droid rolled away, and Jill stood there with a confused look on her face.

"How can you understand that thing"? She asked.

"What do you mean"? Liquid replied. "He speaks Galactic Basic even better than you do".

"He doesn't speak at all". "All he does is make little electric noises that no one can possibly understand".

"Oh, I get it". "It's because he has an accent, right"? "Are you gonna make fun of my accent too, you fucking racist"?

Jill screamed out her frustration as she left the cockpit, and a few minutes later the Ebon Hawk began its decent into the blue and green planet of Dantooine.


	17. The Jedi Enclave

By the time that Chris had finished the laundry the ship had been parked on a landing pad for about an hour, so he ran outside, and the first thing he noticed was how warm and sunny it was.

Dantooine was a beautiful place full of rolling hills, gentile plains, and a smal flying rock that looked like it was

The rock smacked him right in the forehead, making him scream as he fell on his ass. Then he looked up to see Jill standing over him.

"Sorry, Chris". She said. "Did I get ya"?

"Yeah, but I'm cool". He replied.

"No you're not, but that's your problem". "Anyway, I have spoken briefly with the Jedi Council, and they want to see you right away".

"Really"?

"No I made it up, YES REALLY"! "No get up and follow me".

He got to his feet as quickly as he could, and followed away from the landing pad where she vanished through a door. He followed, and found himself in a chamber with four doors. But before he could decide, a woman in a Jedi robe grabbed him by the shirt.

"What the fuck, Padawan"! She yelled in his face. "Why are you not wearing the silly looking bath robes of our order"?

"Are you a Jedi"? He asked.

"Answer the question, buttmunch"! "What makes you think that its ok for a Padawan like you to be wearing clothes like these"? "They are an offence to the Jedi order, and must be removed immediatly".

Suddenly she punched him in the mouth and then started ripping his clothes off. The next thing Chris knew he was standing there butt naked, and using his hands to cover his junk.

"There". She said. "Perhaps a bit of humiliation will teach you the proper respect for our order, Padawan".

"I'm not a Padawan"! Chris yelled. "I'm not a Jedi of any kind, my name is Chris and I came here with Jill to see the Jedi council"!

The Jedi just stood there for a second.

"Oh, my bad". She said. "When I sensed how strong you are with the force, I just assumed that you were... oh well, no harm done... you can go about your business".

"What about my clothes"? Chris yelled.

"A Jedi has more important things to worry about than weither or not you have clothes". "You can find the council through the door to your left".

She walked away leaving Chris standing there, and his clothes had been torn to shreds so there was no way for him to put any of them back on.

"Chris"! Jill yelled as she entered from the left door. "What the hell is the...

Her jaw dropped as she saw him, and then she did a facepalm.

"I can explain". He said as he turned red.

"Save it, Chris". She replied. "Liquid was right, you can't be left alone for five seconds, can you"? "Anyway, just... just get in here".

"But... I'm naked".

"NOW"!

He rushed through the door, and found himself in a large room that seemed to be some kind of training area. And at the end of the room there were three older looking guys who wore Jedi robes.

"Move". Jill said.

Chris felt like a complete horse's ass as he walked up to the three Jedi. They said nothing as they looked at him for a moment, and Chris felt like he was in that dream where you are in school in your underwear. But this was real and he didn't even have underwear.

"Well". The center man said. "You are certainly as Padawan Jill described you". "We are the council of this Jedi Academy". "To my left is Master Key, to my right is Master Card, and I am Master Lock". "Jill told us about your expliots on Taris and about your unusual strength with the force". "We don't usually accept an adult for training, but this is a special case, and I really want to see how much of our torture you can take before you break down and cry".

"You mean"? Chris asked. "I'm going to be a Jedi"?

"Hold on, there". Master Card replied. "I don't think that training this guy is such a good idea". "What if he ends up just as bad as Revan or worse".

"I wouldn't worry about that". Master Lock said. "Revan was a badass, and this guy is... well... not". "I mean, just look at him".

"The darkside can grant incredible power to even the weakest of sissy men". "Even if this guy can't fight his way out of a wet paper bag, its still a bad idea".

"Jesus Christ, you two". Master Key interupted. "The Sith are mopping the floor with us, and we need all the Jedi we can get, even if they are completely worthless".

"Enough". Master Lock said. "The council must confer in private, so you can go back to your ship until we summon you".

"Uh... ok". Chris said as he turned around. "I'll just wait at the

His words became a scream as something snapped him on the ass. Then the masters started laughing as he turned around to see Master Lock getting his belt ready for another strike.

"Run, forest"! He yelled as he snapped him again. "Run"! "And put on some clothes for God's sake"!

The masters high-fived eachother as Chris ran crying all the way back to the ship. There he ran right into Ashley, who screamed and started kicking at him as he ran back to his room and dove under the blankets of his bed.

Through the misty haze Revan and a much friendlier looking Wesker could be seen standing outside of some ruins that looked beyond ancient. Revan was pacing in front of the door, while Wesker was looking around like he was scared.

"I don't know about this, Revan". Wesker said.

"You don't know about what"? Revan replied. "How to grow a pair"? "How to be a fucking man"?

"No, about going into this place". "The ancient Jedi sealed this door, and I think they'll get mad if we just, you know... break in".

"Ooooo, the ancient Jedi sealed this door and they will get mad if we just break in, and my titties hurt because I'm a young lady... GET SOME BALLS, WESKER"!

Revan suddenly punched him in the stomach, and then bashed his head into the door, making Wesker sink to the ground.

"What's more important to you"? Revan asked. "Obaying those jerkoffs, or stopping the Mandalorians"? "And you better get the right answer, because I'd hate to have to beat your ass again".

"Stopping the Mandalorians". Wesker answered.

"That's more like it". "We need the Starforge to save the Republic, and I can't do this without you".

Revan helped Wesker up, and with a wave of his hand the ancient door opened, revealing a strange looking device that slowly opened up to reveal...

"Chris, wake up"! Leon yelled.

"What"? Chris asked.

"Jill sent me to tell you that the council wants to talk to you again". "Come on, let's go"!

Chris got out of bed and followed Leon outside, but then a woman screamed, and Chris ran back onto the ship after remembering that he was naked.

Fifteen seconds later he came back out wearing a janitor's jumpsuit that he found onboard. Then he followed Leon back into the council chamber, where Jill was standing with them.

"Ah, you have arrived". Master Lock said. "After much debate we have decided to train you as a Jedi".

Chris then blurted out the dream he had about Revan and Wesker. This made the council whisper amongst themselves for a moment.

"What did you say a Starforge was"? Masker Lock asked.

"I don't know". Chris replied. "But Revan seemed to think it could stop the Mandalorians".

"Hmmm... we know of the ruins you speak of, and this matter must be investigated". "But first your training must begin".

"Wait just a second". Master Card said. "The way of the light is long and difficult". "To become a Jedi means to become a stuffy and condesending 'I'm better than you' kinda guy". "It means having no friends, never getting to have any fun, and never being able to have sex... but I don't think you have to worry too much about that last one anyway".

Everyone in the room started snickering at him.

"Anyway". Master Card continued. "Are you ready to begin your training"?

"Yes, Master Card". Chris replied. "I am".

"Good, now the first thing

He was interupted as another Jedi ran into the room. He ran right up to the masters and started whispering to them.

"Christ on a cross"! Master Key yelled. "Can't you guys control one... alright fuck it, BRING IN THE PRISONER"!

The Jedi quickly ran out of the room, and came back a few seconds later with three more Jedi. They carried in a man who was wearing a straint-jacket along with a Hannible Lector mask. The prisoner kicked and thrashed around until they dropped him in front of the masters, and then Chris gasped as he saw who the prisoner was.

"Liquid"? He yelled.

"Hi, Chris". Liquid replied as he tried to sit up. "I really wish that we had just given Jill to the

Suddenly Master Card kicked him in the head.

"Silence". He said. "Liquid, you are charged with many heinous crimes against the Republic, the Jedi order, and all other forms of sentient life". "How do you plead"?

"Like this". Liquid replied. "Please don't kill me, please don't kill me". "Have mercy, it was temporary insanity or something, just please don't kill me".

"Damn". Master Key said. "Pretty good pleading".

The masters all nodded in agreement.

"The council finds you guilty". Master Lock continued. "And I leave it to Jill to inform you of your sentence".

Jill kicked Liquid in the side and then pressed her foot into his throat.

"I've been waiting for this for a long time". She said. "Nothing would please me more than to watch you die, however the Jedi do not believe in killing their prisoners". "No one deserves to be executed, no matter what their crimes". "Instead you are sentenced to seek redemption by helping with the mission to discover this Starforge thing once Chris's training is complete".

She stepped away from him, and the other Jedi removed the jacket and mask.

"Thank you, guys". Liquid said as he got up. "But one more thing".

He quickly spun around and kicked all of them in the face with one move, knocking them all on their asses.

"Feel better". Chris asked as they left.

"Yeah, I do". He replied. "But now it's time for you to begin your training".

"TRAINING MONTAGE"! Master Lock yelled. "HA HAAAAAAA"!

Inspirational music began to play as Chris spent the next few weeks getting the hell kicked out of him by his Jedi training. He got beat up in the dueling room, the masters continuously played tricks on him, and when he tried to make a book float in the air the whole library came to life and attacked him like a hurricane.

He failed every single one of his lessons, but somehow he kept getting passed to the next level. Finally the final day of training came, and the music stopped as he was met in the council chamber by Master Lock.

"These last few weeks have been painful to watch". He said. "If we have learned anything from this, it is that the force has a sense of humor". "Now, it is true that you have failed all of your lessons and that you show no potential as a Jedi... but I like your attitide, so it is my honor to welcome you fully into the Jedi order".

"Groovy"! Chris exclaimed.

"Groovy... are you serious"? "Anyway, soon your training will end and you will be granted the title of Padawan, the lowest rank in our order". "But first you must pass three final tests". "The first one is simple because all you have to do is complete the Jedi code as I speak it".

"Oh, I remember reading about that". "This should be easy".

"Ok... there is no emotion".

Chris had to think for a second.

"Um...". He said. "There is pizza"?

"Peace, correct". Master Lock said. "There is no ignorance".

"There is... um... ignorance"?

"Knowledge, you're two for two, keep it up". "There is no chaos".

"There is... peace"?

"Knowledge, good job". "There is no death".

"There is... um, uh...

"The force, I knew you could do it, Chris". "Now come this way for test number two".

Chris was filled with pride as he followed the master over to a workbench.

"Ok, Chris". He continued. "Your next test is to build a lightsaber, which is the symbol of our order". "But before you do that, we must choose which class of Jedi you are to become". "This will be chosen by your answers to a few simple questions". "Are you ready"?

"Oh yeah". Chris replied. "Bring on the questions".

"Question one: A woman and her son are being accosted by a group of thugs... what do you do"?

"Easy, I take out the thugs with a Jedi ass whoopin, and then the woman will be so grateful that she will be like: oh Chris you saved us you sexy hunk of a Jedi". "And I'll be like: Yeah cause that's how I roll, now suck it bitch". "And she will be like: ok but only if my two sisters can join in". "And I'll be like

He was brought back to reality as Master Lock smacked him in the head.

"Question two". He said. "You are in combat against a dark Jedi and there is a break in the fighting... what do you do"?

"First I take his lightsaber and bitch slap him". Chris replied. "And then he'll be like: please have mercy you brave Jedi badass". "And I'll be like: no mercy for the Sith". "And he'll be like: please spare my worthless ass... I'll do anything". "And I'll be like: anything"? "And he'll be like: anything". "And I'll be like: anything"? "And he'll be like

Master Lock smacked him in the head again.

"Last question". He said. "No, forget it... I have already decided your Jedi class". "You, Chris Redfield are now a Jedi... janitor".

"A what"? Chris asked.

"A Jedi janitor". "That means that you, um, mop up floors, er, I mean evil, yes that's it, you mop up evil wherever you go".

"That sounds pretty cool".

"Awesome, glad you like it". "Now here is your brown crystal".

He handed Chris the crystal, and he wasted no time going to the workbench to begin construction. But he hadn't been working for more than thirty seconds when there was an explosion that knocked him on his ass.

Master Lock just shook his head and quickly set the crystal in the saber hilt before Chris was able to get up.

"You did it, Chris"! Master Lock yelled.

"I did"? Chris asked as he got up. "Of course I did"!

He picked up the lightsaber, and turned it on, making the room glow brown as the beam activated.

"Cool". He said as he turned it off. "What is the last test".

"Simple". Master Lock replied. "You must venture out of the enclave, and find a grove that has been tainted with the darkside of the force". "You must rid this grove of the evil, and you get to take Liquid and Leon with you".

"That's kinda vague". "Can't you tell me anything else".

"You're a smart boy... you'll figure it out". "NOW GET OUT"!

Chris ran out of the room as fast as he could, and as luck would have it Leon and Liquid were just outside the door.

"Hey, Chris". Leon said. "That master guy said we were supposed to go somewhere with you".

"Yeah". Chris replied. "We get to go remove a taint from a grove".

"Taint"? Liquid asked. "Isn't that the thing between your ass and your nutsack"?

"GET OUT"! Master Lock screamed. "GET THE FUCK OUT"!

They quickly ran to the enclave exit, and knocked a protocal droid out of the way as they ran through the door.

"How rude". The droid said as the door closed behind them.


	18. Dantooine Plains

"Ok". Liquid said once they stopped running. "What exactly are we doing again"?

"We have to go to the grove". Chris replied. "And we have to remove the source of evil or something like that".

"Great... and this grove is where"?

"Oh, well actually it's right over... I have no idea".

"HA HAAA"! Leon yelled as he unfolded a gigantic map. "Then its a good thing that you are in the presence of Leon... the mighty".

His music began to play as Liquid shook his head.

"Leon the mighty, master of geography". Leon sang. "Here to guide you on your way, stick with him and you'll never stray". "When you're in a land that's new, he's the man who'll get you through". "Even when you're

His song was interupted as a fist ripped through his map and caught him right in the jaw, knocking him on his ass. Then his attacker wrapped the map around Leon's head and began kicking him in the ass.

"Mandalorian son of a bitch"! He yelled as he kept kicking. "Not so tough without your friends, huh"? "This is the same thing that I'm gonna do to all your kind, so you're my new practice dummy"!

"What the hell is this"? Chris asked as he got in his way. "You can't just go around beating on people like that".

"Oh, he's not a people". "He's just another of those scumbags who steal crops and supplies from poor farmers like me". "If you had seen what he and his gang did to my daughter, you would be kicking him just as hard as me".

"Don't need a reason for that". Liquid said.

"Ok, everyone chill for a second". Chris replied. "As a representitive of the Jedi order, I demand to know who you are and why you think its ok to beat Leon's ass like that".

The attacker kicked Leon in the head one more time, and then stepped back.

"Forgive me, master Jedi". He said. "My name is Jon, and as I said, I am a farmer from further out on the plains". "It was a few nights ago when a whole mess of Mandalorians and their leader kicked down my door like they were the fricken SWAT team, and started taking stuff". "Now this has been going on for awhile now, and most of us just let them take what they want then leave, but my daughter stood up to them".

"What happened then"? Chris asked.

"What do you think happened"? Liquid asked. "They raped and tortured her before setting her on fire and crucifying her right behind you".

Chris turned around and screamed as he came face to face with a burnt skeleton that was hanging on a cross.

"But seriously". Liquid continued. "What kind of a dumbshit girl stands up to criminals who have them at gunpoint"? "I'm just saying".

"They are animals". Jon continued. "But their leader was the worst". "I've never seen such skill in battle, and that warcry was just too much to handle". "Please, master Jedi, please rid this world of those scum".

"Those bastards". Chris said. "On my honor as a Jedi I swear that we will avenge your daughter and inform you as soon as we have killed them".

"Thank you... but there's no point in that last part". "I just cashed in on my daughter's life insurance policy, and I'm on the first shuttle outa here". "See you later, and um, good luck with those Mandalorians".

He left without another word, and a few seconds later Leon was back on his feet.

"And just what do you have to say for yourself"? Liquid asked.

"You saw that, right"? Leon asked. "I was ambushed by an angry mob of atleast twenty farmers". "They sensed how badass I am and naturaly assumed that I was the leader of the raiders on this planet". "It was an honest mistake, which is why I allowed them to escape with their lives". "Because Leon the mighty does not harm the innocent... ever".

His music began to play, but it was stopped as Liquid backhanded him across the face.

"What did I tell you about singing"? He asked.

"You said not to". Leon replied.

"Ok, so what are you doing wrong"?

"How can you two fight at a time like this"? Chris asked as he got between them. "Can't you see that this is what the terrorists want"? "The war's out there, man"! "It's out there"! "And we're not gonna win unless we work together"! "YOU'RE TEARING THIS FAMILY APART"!

Chris began sobbing as he took off running, but Liquid stuck his foot out at the last second, making Chris eat the dirt.

"Let's just get moving". Liquid said as he stepped over Chris.

The plains of Dantooine seemed to stretch on forever, but even after walking for an hour there was no sign of a grove or anything.

"Chris, did they say anything else"? Liquid asked as they stopped. "I mean, did they give you a clue as to where this grove is, or anything"?

"Well, no". He replied. "All he said was to go to the grove and stop the evil or something like that".

"So it could be anywhere then, huh"? "Just down the street, or halfway around the God damn world, or anything, right"?

"I guess".

"Ok, so that means that we could have been walking in the completely wrong direction for the past hour"?

"Liquid, you need to have more faith in the force". "My Jedi intuition tells me that we are in fact headed in the right direction".

"Chris, you don't even have normal intuition".

"I can see it all now". Leon replied. "We are gonna end up lost and alone in the harsh environment of Dantooine". "Then after the food runs out we will have to draw straws to see who gets eaten so that the others may live".

Liquid pulled his foot back, and Leon screamed as he covered his balls. But then he stopped and started looking around.

"Do you hear that"? Liquid asked.

"Hear what"? Leon replied.

"It sounds like... swoop bike engines".

He took off running, and Chris and Leon followed him to the top of a hill where there were in fact three swoop bikes idling next to a tree. And a short distance from them, there were three fully armored Mandalorians kicking the hell out of another farmer.

"Now I'm gonna ask once more". The first Mandalorian said as the beating stopped. "Where are the supplies that you promised our leader"?

"Please"! The farmer yelled. "I don't have that much to give"! "Take my wife and children instead"!

The Mandalorians just looked at eachother for a second.

"Can you believe this guy"? The first Mandalorian asked.

"Un-fucking-believable". The other two replied.

"Seriously, what the hell did you say that for"? "I can understand someone bowing to our demands without a fight, but what kinda man just offers us his family"? "I tell you... someone like that is just begging to be castrated".

They knocked the farmer to the ground, and the first Mandalorian got out his hunting knife while the others held him down. A second later he slashed with the knife, and Chris fainted while Leon had to cover his mouth to keep from throwing up.

"Oh, grow some balls". Liquid said as the Mandalorians tossed the body away. "Now's our chance to take them by surprise and steal their bikes for ourselves".

Chris woke up after being kicked, and they took out their weapons as Liquid led them quietly toward the unspecting raiders. But suddenly a strange circular object flew by, knocking the weapons from their hands, before bouncing off a tree, and coming back to hit all three of them in the head.

Liquid, Chris, and Leon all fell on their asses as the circular object bounced off another tree, and was then caught by the hand of a tough looking woman in leather.

"Ah, the chakram". She said as she put it back on her belt. "They never see it coming".

The armored Mandalorians bowed to her as she walked by, and then she walked over to check out the three people that she had just disarmed.

"And what do we have here"? She asked as they got up. "Jedi trash, Republic Trash, and the most pathetic excuse for a Mandalorian that I've ever seen".

"Who are you"? Chris asked.

"The name is Xena... Mandalorian Princess". "Now which one of you is Liquid"?

All three of them pointed at eachother.

"I see". Xena continued. "Either the real Liquid comes forward, or we just castrate all of you".

The armored Mandalorians all took out their hunting knives, and instantly Liquid was shoved forward by Chris and Leon.

"Thanks assholes". Liquid whispered as Xena walked up to him.

"Hmmm". She said as she looked him over. "I thought you were the one when I saw your beady little eyes, but it was your chin that gave it away".

"What's wrong with my chin"?

Suddenly she headbutted him, and the Mandalorians laughed as he fell on his ass. But then they stopped laughing as he swept Xena's feet out from under her. A second later they were both back on their feet, but instead of fighting, Xena just laughed at him.

"What's so funny"? Liquid asked. "Don't you wanna fight"? "Isn't that why you were looking for me"?

"No, it's not". Xena replied. "Don't get me wrong, I'd love to spend the afternoon stomping a mudhole in your ass, but that honor goes to her".

"Her"? "Her who"?

"Hi sweetie". A voice said from behind him.

Upon hearing this voice the color drained from Liquid's face. His eyes widened and his knees shook as he slowly turned around to see the woman walking toward him with long blonde hair and a leather outfit similar to Xena's.

"Whoa, whoa, Callisto"! He yelled as he jumped back and put up his fists. "Don't make me hurt you".

"Oh please, Liquid". Callisto replied as she got closer. "You couldn't hurt me if your life depended on it, so don't spoil this reunion for me". "I've been looking for you for a very long time, and now we can finally be together in the way that our true love was meant to be".

"True love"? "We went on one date in junior high, you fucking psyco".

"Don't... call... me... a... PSYCO"!

She screamed as she came at Liquid, and then the ass whoopin of the century was upon him. He was able to block her first two hits, but then she punched him in the mouth and knocked his legs out from under him. Once he was on the ground she began tearing into him like in a fricken Jet Li movie, and she just kept beating him harder and harder.

"Hey, Leon". Chris said. "You ever seen an ass whoopin like that before"?

"Chris". He replied. "I never even heard of an ass whoopin like that before".

This went on for another minute or so, and then Callisto pinned Liquid down while she used some rope to hog-tie him.

"I'm really sorry about this". She said as she tied more knots. "But I wouldn't have to hurt you so bad if you would just stop running away from your feelings".

"I don't have any feelings". Liquid moaned. "My everything is broken".

"I understand, Liquid". "You think that I'm too good for you, but I want you to know that I will always love you even if you aren't the smartest or best looking guy around". "And sure I've been kicking your ass since seventh grade, but its just because I care".

"You're all heart".

"Awwww, I love you too, Liquid". "And now I'm gonna take you home and make sure that you can never get away from me again".

Callisto checked the knots one more time before standing up. Then she put the extra rope over her shoulder, and started to slowly drag Liquid across the plains.

"NOOOOO"! Liquid screamed as he was dragged. "Chris, Leon, help"! "Don't let this crazy bitch take me away"! "Come on guys, joke's over, help a brotha out"! "Chris, come on, don't let this happen after all we been through"! "YOU BACKSTABBING SONS A BITCHES, I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS"!

He kept screaming like that until Callisto dragged him out of sight, and then he was gone. But then Xena grabbed Chris and Leon by the ears, and twisted, making them scream.

"Ok, you little cock clowns". She said. "Here's how this is gonna work". "First I am gonna have some fun with your worthless asses, and then we are gonna tie your ankles to the back of our swoop bikes because we get our jollies from draging little sissys like you across the plains". "So without further adue"!

Xena suddenly jammed her fingers into the sides of Leon's neck.

"OH GOD"! He scremed. "SHE JUST CUT OFF THE BLOOD FROM MY BRAIN, AND I'M GONNA DIE IN THIRTY SECONDS"!

"Wrong pinch, moron". Xena replied. "This one won't kill you, but it will make you shit yourself uncontrolably".

A second later Leon made the bitter beer face and his whole body shook as a continuous wet farting sound filled the air. This made the Mandalorians laugh as he fell on the ground, and then Xena walked over to Chris. Then she hit his neck in a different spot, and he gasped as he fell to his knees.

"Thirty seconds to live". Xena said. "How old were you when you lost your virginity"?

"Um... fourteen". He choked.

"Really"? "You aren't lying to me, are you"?

"Alright, it was about three days ago"!

She released him from the pinch and the Mandalorians had another good laugh as they tied Chris and Leon's ankles to the swoop bikes.

"You boys ready to ride"? Xena asked as she picked up their weapons. "I hope so, but atleast Leon doesn't have to worry about shitting himself anymore". "Oh, Leon the tidy, always plays inside-y". "Doesn't hurt the other boys, even when they steal his toys".

A few seconds later everyone was on their swoop bikes. Then the engines revved up, and Chris and Leon screamed as they were dragged across the plains.


	19. Sandral Grounds

Chris and Leon slammed into rocks and bounced off of trees while the Mandalorians just kept laughing at them.

"Well, boys". Xena said as she looked back at them. "Its been fun, but this is where you get off".

She then activated Chris's lightsaber, and cut the ropes from the swoop bikes. This sent Chris and Leon rolling out of control, and they thought they were safe, but then they rolled right into a small river that just happened to take them over a waterfall.

A very big waterfall.

They screamed like fricken banshees as they fell, but then they hit the water and washed up on shore a few seconds later.

"Are we dead"? Chris asked.

"I don't think so". Leon replied. "I don't think that hell could be this stupid".

"Ok... so are we lost, then"?

"Uh... yeah". "Lost and alone on a hostile world with no weapons".

Suddenly they both cried out in pain as their weapons landed on their heads.

"Don't forget your garbage"! Xena yelled from over the waterfall as they sped away.

"Like I said". Leon continued. "Lost and alone on a hostile world, with no help in sight, and only our wits to keep us alive". "No one expects us to ever return, but this planet alone is no match for Leon... the mighty".

"Right". Chris replied. "And combined with the skills of the Jedi Chris, we will be unstoppable as we not only conquer the dark taint of the grove, but also restore peace and justice to the galaxy".

With a renewed sense of purpose, they jumped to their feet and put their weapons on their belts. Then they started walking, but had only gone a short distance when thunder crashed and the sky turned dark. Not ten seconds later it began to rain, forcing them to seek shelter from the storm...

But where?

"Look"! Leon said. "There's a convieniently placed cave up ahead"!

"I don't know". Chris replied. "What if there are bears or something in there"?

"You're right... we can't risk entering a place of such danger... why that would be just stupid, and no heroes worth their salt would ever do such a thing".

Thunder crashed again, making them scream as they ran toward the cave as fast as they could. Once inside they seemed to be safe from the storm, but then they looked into the darkness ahead of them.

"Stay alert, Chris". Leon said. "At any moment we could be attacked by a Kinraith, or pounced by a mountain lion, or anything".

"Then I say bring it on". He replied. "After surviving Mandalorian raiders, the waterfall, and the storm... nothing could possibly scare us".

"Welcome"! A voice yelled.

In response to this they hugged eachother and started screaming, but then a bunch of torches lit up, and they saw that they were inside of a small cave that was lined with crystals of all colors. And in front of them stood a man in a Jedi robe.

"Greetings, I am Master Piece". He said. "Welcome to Dantooine's famous crystal cave". "I assume that you are Chris, on your way to the grove to take your final test, correct"?

"Uh... yeah". Chris replied as he and Leon let go of eachother. "Can you tell me anything of the grove"?

"No, you must rush into your final test completely unprepared".

"But why"?

"Because it would make too much sense if we just told you what the hell was going on". "Then you might understand your mission and actually have a chance of success... and we can't have that". "But anyway, there are more important matters at hand".

"What do you mean"? Leon asked.

"I mean... murder".

(Dramatic music is played)

Master Piece stepped out of the way, revealing three other people in the cave behind them. Two were tied up with gaggs on their mouths, and the other was dead in more ways than one.

"What the hell is this"? Chris and Leon asked.

"A chance to test your Jedi skills". Master Piece continued. "Here before you is a man who has been murdered buffet style, meaning that he has been shot, stabbed, burned, beaten, drowned, electrocuted, sodomised, and evicerated". "There are also two men who are tied up and gagged". "Out of all this, I want you to try to figure out who the killer is".

"Why me"? Chris asked.

"Because I already know who the guilty party is". "This test will give you the opportunity for more training, while also allowing me to exploit this horrible situation for the selfish desires of the Jedi order". "If you can figure it out then great, but if not I shall simply deal with the situation on my own". "Investigation begins now". "I think you should start by examining the body".

Chris swallowed hard as he started walking toward the dead guy. He took one close look at it, and then started vomiting profusely.

"It's horrible"! Chris yelled as he stopped.

"Yes". Master Piece replied. "A truly gruesome and totally fucked up way to die". "Next you should question each of the two men one at a time". "You will find Handon Gild on your right, and Rickard Losof on your left".

Chris walked over to Rickard, and took off the gagg.

"What happened here"? He asked.

"Are you stupid"? Rickard yelled. "Can't you see that he is the killer"? "If you let him get away with this we will all be killed in the same way as this poor bastard"!

"I see".

Rickard screamed as Chris put the gagg back on, and then he walked over to Handon.

"What happened here"? He asked as he removed the gagg.

"Don't believe his lies"! Handon yelled. "He killed him, and he's gonna kill the rest of us in the same way"!

"Ok... I'll have more questions later".

Handon screamed as the gagg was put back on, and then Chris walked back over to Master Piece.

"I've questioned both suspects". He said. "They both accuse eachother, and this along with my examination of the body leads me to believe that they both did it".

"Hell yeah, Chris"! Leon yelled. "Good job"!

"A good theroy". Master Piece replied. "However, you missed one very important detail".

"What's that"? Chris asked.

"The two men you questioned were not acusing eachother... they were acusing me".

Lightning shot out of the master's hands, making Rickard and Handon scream until they were dead. Then he turned back to Chris and Leon.

"You made a good effort". He said as he activated his lightsaber. "But even if you had figured out that I was the killer, I just can't have witnesses, now can I"? "AHHHHHHHHHH"!

He moved at them with a wild swing of his lightsaber, but they dropped to the floor at the last second, making him slash a big portion out of the cave wall instead. This caused the whole room to start shaking as Master Piece swung at them again, carving even more out of the wall.

Now the wals of the cave were starting to crumble, and Chris and Leon dove back outside just before the entire thing collapsed, burying Master Piece completely. A few seconds later the storm stopped and the sky was once again blue.

"I really don't like this planet". Leon said as they got up. "But atleast we stopped the killer".

"Hell yeah we did". Chris replied. "We totally beat him at his own game, and he was like: damn, you guys are just too smart for me". "And we were like: that's right, bitch, now let these people go or we'll fuck you up some more". "And he was like: please have mercy". "And we were like: no way, you're a sick killer and now we're gonna bury you in the cave where you ended so many lives".

They high-fived eachother and started walking as Leon's music began to play.

"Leon the mighty roams through the countryside". He sang. "He never needs a place to hide". "Along with help from Jedi Chris, who fights with all his Jedi tricks". "Righting wrongs and singing songs, being mighty all day long". "He's Leon... Leon the mighty, HA HAA"!

The song ended, and it was back to walking across the seemingly endless plains. There was still no grove in sight, but a little hope shined through the blackness as they came across a small settlement. Actually it was more like two large houses that were really close to eachother.

"Cool". Leon said. "Now we can get directions".

"Screw directions". Chris replied. "I want some food".

They picked up the pace a little, and reached the settlement just as an older man from each house came outside accompanied with a bunch of battle droids. At first they thought that the men were coming after them for tresspassing or something, but then they faced eachother and their droids raised their weapons.

"You've crossed me for the last time, Nurik" The first man said.

"Oh, so the pot wants to call the cauldren black, huh Alhan"? The second man asked. "You've been crossing my family since you came here, or did you forget that you caused our children to run away"?

"I was here first, douchbag". "And it was your blunt stupidity that made them leave... so now I'm gonna kill you".

The droids charged their blasters, and prepared to fire, but then Chris and Leon ran up to them.

"Wait"! Chris yelled. "There doesn't have to be any killing"! "I'm sure that we can find a peaceful solution if we just discuss it like civilised people"!

"What the fuck do you know"? Nurik asked. "Do you honestly expect us to end a feud just because some random dick smacker tells us to"?

"Yeah, go away". Alhan replied. "In fact you have three seconds before... hey, are you a Jedi"?

"Uh... yeah". Chris said. "I'm Chris from the Jedi order... and this my partner Leon".

Alhan and Nurik looked at them for a second, and then their droids lowered their blasters.

"It's about time". Nurik said. "We've been waiting for the council to help us out for months". "You see we both laid claim to this land when we came to this planet, even though this douchbag says he was here first".

"I landed here fifteen seconds before this asshole". Alhan replied. "And ever since then we have been feuding like the ignorant backwards rednecks that we are".

Chris and Leon muttered to themselves for a seconds, then they high-fived eachother.

"Ok, I got it". Chris said. "Why don't you guys just move away from eachother"?

"We thought about that a few years ago". Nurik explained. "But apart from it being a completely stupid idea, we came upon a few problems with our children". "You see, my son was seduced by his complete whore of a daughter, and then they just ran off together".

"Bitch, you did not"! Alhan yelled. "And it was your lecherous douchbag of a son that stole my poor innocent daughter away". "Droids, prepare to fire"!

Their battle droids raised their weapons again.

"Now hold on a second". Leon said. "You can't let your differences and disagreements control your lives". "Why, me and Chris started out as blood enemies after our people kicked eachother's asses during the war, but now we are almost like brothers, fighting evil wherever we find it". "Now if a Jedi and a Mandalorian can get past their differences and work together, can't you guys"?

Nurik and Alhan hung their heads as their droids lowered their weapons.

"He's right". Alhan said. "I'm sorry, Nurik".

"I'm sorry too, Alhan". He replied.

"You see what I mean"? Leon continued. "You can't hate eachother just because your daughter is a whore and your son is a lecherous douchbag". "I mean, sure it kinda sucks if your child is having sex right now with the child of your worst enemy, I mean, I'd be kinda mad, but you... um... uh...

His speech stopped when he saw that the battle droids had their blasters raised again, but this time they weren't aiming at eachother. They were aiming at Chris and Leon.

"You're right". Nurik said. "We don't have to hate eachother anymore".

"Exactly". Alhan replied. "All we needed was someone to hate even more... DROIDS, OPEN FIRE"!

Chris and Leon screamed and ran away as all of the droids began shooting at them. But soon they were out of sight, and they were able to rest up against a tree once they were sure that the droids weren't still after them.

"Did we do good"? Chris asked.

"I think so". Leon replied. "But as long as they want to kill us they can't fight eachother, right"?

"Yeah, you're right... so we did do good". "Once again we have stuck our noses into problems that are not our business, only to watch justice be served in the end". "But, um... where are we"?

They looked around for a second, and then thunder crashed as the sky once again became dark. Then it began to rain harder than before as they saw the small wooden sign that read:

WELCOME TO THE GROVE


	20. The Grove

The rain was coming down harder now, and in the bright flashes of lightning Chris and Leon could that they were at the edge of a lush forest. The wind was making scary noises, and the only way through the trees seemed to be a small winding path.

"So this is the grove, huh"? Leon asked as he looked around. "Nope, I don't see any evil around here".

"Yeah". Chris replied. "It must have gotten bored and went somewhere else, so let's go tell the Jedi council".

They turned around to leave, but then gasped as they saw that a solid wall of trees was blocking their path.

"Well, that's certainly interesting". Leon said. "Then I guess that we have no choice other than to face the untold horrors of this grove head on".

"Yes". Chris replied. "Alone this place might be too much for us, but together nothing can triumph against our awesomeness, so let's go in and kick some ass"!

Thunder crashed again, and they screamed as they ran to the tree wall and began trying to claw their way through it.

"Welcome, apprentice". A voice said behind them.

They slowly turned around and saw yet another man in a Jedi robe.

"I am Master Code". He continued. "And I want to congratulate you on reaching the grove where your final test will take place". "You see, most of our apprentices either get dragged to death by Xena's raiders or fall pray to the sick desires of Master Piece".

"You mean everything out here has been a test"? Chris asked.

"Everything in life is a test of one kind or another". "You can either conquer it and become stronger, or simply bite your pillow as life makes you its bitch". "Either way, no one gets out alive in the end".

"What about what happened to Liquid"? Leon asked. "Was that a test too"?

"In a matter of speaking". "But he was unable to conquer the demons of his past, so it is the will of the force that he will remain a prisoner of them". "Thus is the condesending way of the Jedi".

"That seems so harsh". Chris replied. "You deliberatly send apprentices out into a hostile environment where they are completely unprepared and everything around them wants to kick their ass"?

"Yes, quite a bit like being back in high school, don't you think"?

"This is such bullshit". Leon added. "You Jedi are all the same". "You are all about truth and knowledge except for when it comes to telling your students what is going on". "And you preach about the light and following the rules, however the rules just fly out the window when you need something, huh"? "Atleast we Mandalorians are honest about what we do".

"Oh, that hurts so much coming from a guy who spent the entire Mandalorian war as a short order cook in the national guard". "Yes, we know all about you and everyone else in your little group, but right now there are more important matters to attend to". "You must follow this path through the grove where the source of evil awaits". "But be warned... many other dangers await along the way".

Master Code tossed a smoke bomb on the ground, and when the smoke cleared the master was gone.

"That stupid son of a bitch"! Leon yelled. "Now everyone's gonna know what a fake I am"! "I'm not Leon the mighty... I'm just a gorgous pretty boy that spent the war cooking burgers for people like Xena when she was a general before my people got their asses handed to them at Malachor V"! "Then my grandma got me a job working for Davik on Taris, and I started calling myself Leon the mighty because people were still afraid of Mandalorians"!

He leaned against a tree and began crying his eyes out, but then Chris walked over to him.

"I wasn't even in that war". He said. "I never even saw it because I was out scouting new hyperspace routes, and I was only on Taris because I joined the Republic due to their awesome dental plan". But since then we have done nothing but kick ass, so let's keep going and show this galaxy how awesome we are by finishing this challenge and then destroying the Sith".

Leon stopped crying, and stood back up.

"You're right, Chris". He said. "Let's show this really creepy place just what we're made of".

Thunder crashed again, making them scream as they took off running down the path. But this run was cut short as they ran into a tripwire and a net rose up around them, lifting them high into the air.

"Well, this isn't good". Leon said.

"Don't worry, Leon". Chris replied as he activated his lightsaber. "I get us out of this".

He slashed the ropes, and they screamed as they hit the dirt. They started to get up, but found themselves being shoved up against a tree by a really scary looking creature. It roared in their faces, making them turn white, and then they both pissed themselves as they were each targeted by a set of three laser dots.

"I'm lookin for a big guy". It said. "Muscular, stupid army haircut, talks with a heavy austrian accent". "Either of you two pig fuckers seen him"?

They quickly shook their heads.

"You're not lying to me, are you"? The creature continued. "Because I hate liers". "When a dick sucker lies to me, I find myself unable to resist the urge to reach down their throat, grab their ass, and turn them inside out".

"We only speak the truth"! Leon yelled. "Scouts honor"!

"I swear we never seen him"! Chris replied. "But if we had, you would be the first to know"!

The creature just glared at them for a second.

"Ok". It said. "Your pathetic whining has amused me, so I have good news".

"You're gonna let us go"? Chris asked.

"No... I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by switching to gieco". "TELL ME WHERE HE IS, YOU GOD DAMN COCK SMACKERS"!

The creature choke slammed them onto the ground, and then spent the next five minutes punching and kicking them. Then it laughed at their pathetic asses and walked away without another word.

"Well, I guess we showed him". Leon said. "Its a good thing he walked away when he did, because I was about to unleash one hell of an ass kicking".

They slowly got back to their feet, and continued down the winding path for what seemed like hours, before finding themselves in front of a small cottage.

"You think this is the place"? Chris asked. "The dark taint or whatever"?

"I don't know". Leon replied. "Did they tell you anything else about it at all"?

"No, they just said to come here and remove the dark taint". "It could be a person we have to kill, or maybe we have to burn down this cottage".

"I don't fucking think so". A voice said.

Suddenly they were ambushed by a bunch of little people jumping on their backs, and quickly knocked to the ground. Then they were held down while their hands were tied behind their backs.

"Tresspassers, huh". One of them asked. "Well we know what to do with tresspassers".

"Who are you guys"? Chris asked.

"Who are we"? The same one asked. "We're the seven dwarves, you stupid son of a bitch". "I'm Drinky, and these are my associates: Smokey, Sneaky, Sleezy, Crazy, Drugy, and Steve".

"Nice to meet you". Leon replied.

"Sure it is, which is why you two retards were talking about burning our house down, huh"? "Take Dicksmackula here inside and teach him a lesson".

Four of the dwarves grabbed Leon and dragged him into the cottage, leaving Chris alone with the other three.

"Now what should we do with this one"? Drinky asked. "Suggestions"?

"Let's hang him"! Sleezy yelled.

"Let's cut his fricken feet off"! Steve yelled. "And then hang him"!

"Let's let him go"! Chris replied.

They were silent for a moment as if considering this, and then Drinky kicked Chris in the mouth.

"Alright, here's what's gonna happen". The dwarf said. "We are gonna let you and your stupid looking friend go on one condition". "You are gonna immediatly get the fuck outa here, and you're gonna tell whoever sent you that we are here to stay". "You got it"?

"I got it". Chris quickly replied.

"Good, because if you don't, then we are gonna find you". "And once we find you we are gonna shave your ass, and let the wilderbeasts have their way with you while we videotape the whole thing and put it on youtube". "Does that sound like something you want"?

"No".

"Good... release him, and the other one too if they are done with him".

The dwarves laughed as Drinky cut Chris's bonds, and a few seconds later Leon was tossed out of the cottage with his pants around his ankles.

"You know what hurts most"? Leon asked as he pulled up his pants. "Its the total lack of respect". "Ok, maybe that didn't hurt the most, but still".

"Whatever, fish". Drinky replied. "Now you two get the hell outa here before we change our minds".

The dwarves laughed as they walked away from the cottage, once again finding themselves on the path.

"So, what happened in there"? Chris asked.

"I don't wanna talk about it". Leon quickly replied.

Chris shrugged and they continued on for aways, until they came upon a small clearing where a beautiful woman was meditating at the center.

"Woah". Leon said. "Check out the babe".

"Yeah, things are finally looking up". Chris replied. "What could be safer than a beautiful woman who is alone in a dangerous place like this"?

They walked up to her, and she opened one eye to look at them.

"Are you an angel"? Leon asked.

She responded to this question by picking up a rock, and hitting Leon in the face with it, making him scream as he fell on the ground. Then she opened her other eye and stood up.

"I'm gonna give you guys three seconds". She said. "Exactly three God damn seconds to get the hell away from me before I start doing things like this".

She quickly spun around and slammed her heel into Chris's head, making him fall to the ground next to Leon. Then she activated her red lightsaber, and pointed it at them.

"Who are you"? Chris asked.

"The name is Ada". She replied. "You should know that I have recently fallen to the darkside, and am therefore ok with kicking your asses for being in my grove".

"Your grove"? "Are you the dark taint"?

"I guess you could say that". "I killed my master in combat because that's how I role, and then I came here to emerce myself in the darkside". You should try it, because it instantly turns you into a badass who can easily do things like this".

She brought her leg up, and then stomped on Chris's nuts as hard as she could, making his face turn five different shades of yellow as he made a sound like a dying giraffe.

"You think you're pretty tough, huh"? Leon asked as he got up. "Well now you you must face Leon... the mighty".

He ran at her, and she responded by hitting him in the mouth with the hilt of her lightsaber. Then she honked his nose, gave him a wicked melvin, and pushed his silly ass back onto the ground.

"Obviously you clowns didn't come here to fight". Ada said.

"We just wanna talk". Chris groaned.

"Talk"? "I could murder both of you jerkoffs without breaking a sweat, and you think I'm willing to talk"?

"Fine, then let's try this another way". "Please don't kill us"! "We don't wanna die"! "We'll do anything you want if you just let us go"!

She pointed her lightsaber at his throat, and then he and Leon both started crying.

"Are you serious"? She asked. "Oh my God... your pathetic weeping has suddenly made me see the error of my ways". "I know now that I was wrong to embrace the darkside, and that the path of the light is the only way to go".

"Really"? They asked.

"No, but it kinda sucks having to live in this grove all the time". "I'm gonna go back to the council and see if I can bullshit my way back into the order". "So you two losers have a nice day".

She kicked both of them one more time, before putting her lightsaber on her belt and walking away. It took Chris and Leon a few minutes to recover from the melvin and the nut stomp, but soon they were back on their feet. Then they left the clearing, and after a few more minutes of walking they found themselves back on the plains.

The storm had also ended, and the sun was shining as someone walked toward them.

"There you are". Jill said as she reached them. "I was hoping, er, I mean I was afraid that you had been killed".

"Ha"! Leon replied. "Far from it"!

"Yeah". Chris added. "We faced the Mandalorian raiders, we killed Master Piece, we braved the perils of the grove and removed the dark taint because we are nothing short of awesome".

"Right, about that". Jill continued. "The council says good job on saving Ada, you are now a full fledged Jedi, yadda, yadda... where's Liquid"?

"Oh, he, um". Leon began. "You see, what happened was, uh... um...

Jill shushed him, and then rolled her eyes.

"In other words". She said. "He kicked your asses and escaped, right"? "God, you give someone a second chance and they fuck you over as soon as you turn around".

"Yeah... its aweful". Chris replied. "That... bastard".

"Oh well, we got bigger problems". "Now that you are a full Jedi the council wants us to go check out the ruins that you dreamed about".

"Great". Leon said as he started to walk away. "That's obviously Jedi business, so I'll just go back to the enclave".

"You're coming too, jackass".

Leon hung his head, then he and Chris followed Jill as she started walking north.


	21. Ancient Ruins

"Do you even know where we're going"? Leon asked.

"Of course". Jill replied. "The council gave me directions and everything".

"How come I didn't get directions"? Chris asked.

"You can now that you're and actual Jedi". "But as a cherry-ass apprentice your only purpose in life was to be abused and exploited by the council, while being duped into fixing problems that they felt themselves to be above".

"Oh... well atleast that kinda thing is over, right"?

Jill looked at him as if he were crazy, and then she burst out laughing.

"That kinda shit is never over". She explained as the laughter stopped. "But you should take comfort in the fact that no matter what you accomplish or how hard you work, there will always be a condesending master around to point out every single flaw that you have, while also saying things like 'you have much to learn' and stuff".

"That doesn't sound very nice at all". "Why, when I'm a master I'm gonna treat my students with the dignity and respect that they deserve".

Once again Jill responded to this with laughter.

"Ok, Chris". She said. "Wrap your brain around this". "Even if by some strange and bizzare twist of fate you somehow in your life end up being a master... by then you will be so angry at how the masters treated you during your training that you will treat them the exact same way just because they can't do anything about it".

Chris didn't have anything else to say about the subject. This whole Jedi thing was starting to become a bit too deep in the bullshit for his tastes, and was starting to wish that he

His thoughts were interupted as he was hit in the mouth by Jill when she held her hand up for them to stop.

"What"? She asked.

"You hit me"! He yelled.

"Well don't walk so damn close, dill-weed". "What, do you want to hold my hand or something"?

"I do". Leon replied.

"Both of you, shut the hell up"! "We're here"!

They looked, and saw a bunch of strange black statues that led up to a large mound that looked like a turtle shell. And at the bottom of the mound was a door very similar to the one that Chris saw in his dream.

"What are you stairing at"? Jill asked. "Get up there".

"Ladies first". Leon replied.

"Age before beauty, Leon". "NOW YOU TWO GET UP THERE"!

She followed as Chris and Leon cautiously made their way up to the door. Then they stood there looking at it for a second, but there was no visible way of opening it.

"How do we get in"? Chris asked.

"Simple". Jill replied. "Just use your head".

She then grabbed Chris's head, and bounced it off the center plate of the door, making him fall to the ground as the door slowly opened.

"Good job, Chris". She said as Leon followed her inside.

"Don't mention it". He replied as he stumbled after them.

It was dark and cold inside this place. From the outside it had appeared to be a burial mound or something, but from the inside it looked like some kind of stone temple. If only it hadn't been so damn dark.

"What the hell do you want"? A deep voice asked.

Suddenly a bunch of torches ignited, and Chris gasped as he saw that he was face to face with a strange spider-looking droid of some kind. It had six legs to support it's main shaft-like body, as well as two sort of arm things that could have been weapons.

But most importantly it did not look friendly.

"I said". It continued. "What the hell do you deadbeats want"?

"Uh... hi". Chris managed to say. "I'm Chris".

"Is that what I asked, you fricken toolbag"? "I want to know what you stupid looking creatures are doing in my temple, and I want the answer from someone who is NOT a complete retard". "That means someone other than Forest Gump here".

"We came here out of curiosity". Jill replied as she stepped forward. "What is this place"?

"This temple is a shrine that was built to honor the builders, who keep their pimp-hand strong by dominating the entire galaxy". "Surely even you pitiful dipshits kneel in fear of the infinite empire".

They all just looked at eachother for a minute, obviously not having a clue as to what the strange machine was talking about.

"How old is this place"? Jill asked.

"Do I look like a calandar to you, hoe"? It replied. "I got no fricken idea how old this place is, but my ass has been stuck here for forever and a day". "You see, I was built to oversee the slaves as they worked themselves to death making this ridiculous temple". "Once it was done I executed them in the most creative and inhumane ways I could come up with, but now I am just the guardian".

"Guardian of what"? Leon asked.

"The starmap, doofy". "The guide that points the way to... the Starforge".

(Dramatic music is played)

"The Starforge"? All three of them exclaimed.

"Yes, the Starforge". "The greatest and most expensive accomplishment of the infinite empire". "You can bet that it got the builders laid a few times, that's how awesome this thing is".

"We came here seeking the Starforge". Chris said. "We must find it".

The droid just looked at him for a second.

"You know...". It replied. "A few years ago a couple a guy in a mask came here seeking the Starforge". "Him and his buddy proved themselves worthy by passing the tests, and were then allowed to see the starmap".

"Cool". Chris said. "Then we can pass them too".

"Hold on there, skippy". "These tests are not something that just any average dumbass can pass".

"I resent that". Leon said. "I'll have you know that we are each an 'exceptional' dumbass".

"Come on, let us try". Chris pleaded. "The whole galaxy and stuff is at stake".

"Look, it's nothin personal". The droid said. "I mean, you seem like a good guy and all, but the guy who beat the tests was a badass, and you are... well... not".

Chris was angered by this. He was tired of everyone thinking that he was some kind of a fuck up, and now it was time to get the respect that he deserved.

"I'm angered by this". Chris said. "I'm tired of everyone thinking that I'm some kind of a fuck up, and now it is time to get the respect that I deserve". "So bring on your tests, and not only will we pass them, but we will pass them so good that we will all need a cigerette afterward".

"Well, ok". The droid replied. "But you should know that the price of failure is death, like what happened to that guy".

They looked in the corner and gasped as they saw a dead guy who's legs had been crammed all the way down his throat.

"On second thought". Chris quickly said. "Maybe we don't need the Starforge that bad".

He turned to walk out, but then the temple door slammed shut.

"To late to back out now". The droid explained. "But the good news is that you get to live if you pass".

"Good job, big mouth". Jill said as she punched Chris in the arm.

"Ow"! Chris yelled as he rubbed it. "I didn't hear you guys protesting".

"Silence". The droid ordered. "Test number one: You must stick out your tongue and touch your forehead".

Thunder crashed and Chris and Leon gasped at the thought of such a grueling test. Jill however, just stood there.

"Are you serious"? She asked. "That's the test"?

"I know it looks bad, Jill". Leon replied. "But me and Chris can handle it". "You ready, partner"?

"Oh yeah". Chris said. "Let's do this"!

They then stuck out their tongues and tried to make it hit their foreheads. They tried everything from stretching it with their hands, to tilting their heads down for less distance, but nothing worked.

"It's hopeless"! Leon yelled. "We're doomed"!

"No"! Chris replied. "It's not over yet"! "I...CAN...DO...THIS"!

He continued trying to touch his tongue to his forehead while Leon sunk to the floor crying in defeat. Jill then rolled her eyes before sticking out her tongue and touching her finger to her forehead.

"Congratulations". The droid said. "You have passed test number one".

"Yeah, we did it"! Chris exclaimed.

"Hell yeah we did"! Leon replied as he jumped to his feet. "We're not so useless afterall, huh"? "I think someone should give an apology, don't you agree".

"Yes". Jill said. "Your mother should apologize for not just giving head". "Now what's the next test"?

"Test number two". The droid said. "What is it that weighs nothing, yet the strongest man in the universe can't hold it for very long at all"?

"THE LUST FOR BLOOD"! Leon screamed. "That animalistic urge to destroy all forms of life, while at the same time looking totally awesome"!

"Wrong".

"Well". Chris said. "Um... I know"! "It's when you drink alot of Gatorade, but then the line at the bathroom is out the door, right"?

"No... God you two are a couple of idiots". "I should kill both of you just for that, even if miss 'I know everything' here gets it right".

"His breath". Jill said while rolling her eyes.

"Congratulations". "You have passed both tests, and now the secret is yours".

The droid suddenly shut down, and a door on the other side of the room slid open. As they walked in, the strange object from Chris's dream suddenly activated, slowly opening to reveal a three dimentional representation of the entire galaxy. But the data was incomplete, almost as if it had been damaged or something".

"It's a map of the galaxy". Jill explained. "But the data is incomplete, almost as if it had been damaged or something". "It's all a bunch of incomplete hyperspace coordinates, and blurred out areas kind of like when a kid spills kool-ade on an important document".

"What good is an incomplete map"? Chris asked.

"Its more useful than you". "It might not have the the location of the Starforge, but look here".

She pointed at four blinking dots on the map.

"This dot here looks like Korriban, a Sith world". She explained. "And if so then this one is... Manaan, and Kashyyyk, and um... Tatooine".

"So"? Leon asked. "I'm glad that you can read a map, but how does that help us"?

She rolled her eyes again, and then smacked them both in the face with one swing.

"Don't you two dumbasses see"? Jill asked. "These other planets might have similar map devices like this one, kinda like pieces of a puzzle". "If we combine the data from each one, it will probably lead us right the the Starforge". "Do you understand"?

She could almost hear the the theme to Jeopardy playing as they stood there like morons.

"Anyway". She continued. "I will record the data on this datapad that I conviently had with me the whole time, and now we have to go tell the Jedi council what we found".

She recorded the data, and the starmap closed back in on itself before shutting down. Then they rushed back to the front door of the temple, but it wouldn't open.

"Oh... sorry". Chris said.

He rammed his head into the center plate, causing the door to open. Then after he was able to get back to his feet, he followed Jill and Leon back across the plains toward the Jedi enclave.


	22. Leaving Dantooine

Upon returning to the Jedi enclave, Chris and Jill told the council all about what had happened in the temple. Then after much laughter at his expence and a few not very tasteful jokes, their mood turned serious.

"Your pathetic actions aside". Master Lock began. "This discovery of a Starforge is yet another kick in the nuts for us". "After about ten seconds of deliberation the council has decided that you are to journey to the four mentioned planets in order to pinpoint its location".

"Of course, master". Chris replied. "But um... what exactly is a Starforge"?

"I don't have a damn clue, but Revan wanted it like a hot underage girl, and that means that we want it as well". "You are to immediatly return to your ship and set out".

"Well, I guess this is goodbye". Jill said. "Good luck, Chris".

"And of course, Jill will be joining you".

"I will"?

"Oh yes, and not just because we find it funny to put you in such a situation". "As the senior Jedi it will be your job to keep Chris on the path of the light, and to execute, er, I mean guide him back if he gets tempted by the darkside".

"Thank you, master". Chris said. "But are we supposed to do all this alone"?

The council muttered to eachother for a second.

"Ada has asked to join you as well". Master Lock continued. "Her recent fall to the darkside shall serve as a reminder of the constant danger, and whatever you do, don't turn your back on her". "Because at any moment she could return to the dark path and slice your fucking head off before you even know it".

"Um". Chris replied. "I know that I'm new at this whole Jedi thing, but sending someone who fell to the darkside doesn't seem like such a hot idea". "Do you think that maybe a master should be sent to guide me"?

The masters looked at him for a second and then burst out laughing.

"You're right, Chris". Master Lock continued. "You are new at this". "If we sent a master or an entire company of Jedi knights to assist, it would just drive the Sith to hunt you down that much faster". "You see, we are counting on the Sith just ignoring you because you pose no threat, but don't worry because everyone who traveled here with you shall also leave with you". "Now get the fuck out".

There was no point in arguing with these people anymore, so Chris, Jill, and Leon turned away from the council to leave. But then Chris screamed, and they looked back to see the masters laughing as Master Lock got ready to hit him in the ass with the belt again.

"Why aren't you gone yet"? He yelled as he snapped it. "Away"! "AWAY"!

The masters kept laughing as they left the chamber and headed back for the landing pad. But then another Jedi grabbed Chris, and pulled him into another room before shoving him up against the wall.

"Who are you"? He asked.

"Shhhh"! The Jedi whispered. "It's a secret to everybody".

"What is"?

"I got the word-up, the four-one-one, the hot sheets, the intel-inside, you know what I'm sayin homie"?

"Uh... no".

"Then open your ears and shut your damn mouth"! "Now I know that you been givin an important job to do for the council, but you got bigger problems to worry about than the Sith".

"Like what"?

He suddenly put his hand over Chris's mouth, and peeked out the door to make sure that no one was listening.

"I'm talking about". He continued. "The Nemesis".

(Dramatic music is played)

"It was a great beast". He continued. "A force of the darkside that's favorite food was Jedi". "You see they lay dormant until the darkside becomes a presence in the galaxy, and then they come to life and do thing like this to Jedi".

He quickly showed Chris some polaroid pictures, causing him to lose his lunch after pushing away from the Jedi.

"Beware the Nemesis". He continued. "Now give me ten credits for the information".

"What"? Chris asked. "I'm not giving you ten credits".

"Alright, eight since I made you throw up like a little sissy".

"I'm not giving you anything". "A Jedi does good deeds simply for the sake of

He was interupted as the Jedi kicked him in the face.

"I bet you believe in the Easter Bunny too, huh"? He asked as he searched Chris's pockets. "I was only gonna take eight credits, but now I'm gonna take twenty". "See what your greed has cost you, you cheap ass little bitch"?

He kicked Chris again, and walked away while he pulled himself to his feet. By the time he got out of the room the strange Jedi was nowhere to be seen, so he headed for the landing pad where everyone was gathered.

"Well, its about damn time". Jill said as he walked up to them. "What, did you take a nap or something"?

Chris started to explain himself, but was interupted as Ada punched him in the stomach, making him double over.

"No fucking excuses"! She yelled. "Now all of you faggots get onboard before give you a lightsaber enema"!

Ashley, Barry, T3M4, Jill, and Ada all boarded the ship, leaving Chris and Leon to carry all of their luggage. This took about an hour, and then they finally got a chance to rest.

"What the hell is this"? Jill asked as she came around the corner. "You two slobs think you can just lay around while there's work to be done"?

"We already brought on all the bags". Chris replied.

"Yes you did, and now there is an entire ship waiting to be cleaned up before we go".

"I don't see anyone else doing any work around here". Leon said. "What about Barry, and Ashley, and that little garbage can thing, huh"?

"Yeah, what's up with that"?

Jill just shook her head.

"I expected more out of you two". She said. "As the men on this voyage, you should be more than happy to bust your asses all day for a bunch of ungrateful bitches like us who are never gonna sleep with you".

"Well...". Chris continued. "What about Barry, and that little droid"?

"Barry is our great protector, and therefore can't be bothered with manual labor because he needs his strength for fighting". "And as for the droid... Snickers bar".

T3M4 suddenly rolled around the corner and spat a Snickers bar into her hand. Then it rolled away as she opened it.

"You see"? Jill asked as she took a bite. "Can either of you produce a Snickers bar from outa thin air"?

"I got something that kinda looks like a Snickers". Leon replied. "But I don't think you want it".

Jill quickly grabbed a broom, and Leon screamed as she broke it over his ass.

"Now as for the sleeping arangements". Jill continued as she tossed the broken broom away. "The quarters on the port side of the ship belong to Barry since he needs his strength for battle, and the medical bay goes to Ashley because being a girl entitles her to getting first dibs on a room". "I will be sharing the starboard quarters with Ada, which leaves you two dumbasses to fight over which side of the cargo bay you want".

"Why are you sharing a room with Ada"? Chris asked.

"None of your damn business". "Now begin you endless supply of slave labor by cleaning the cockpit". "It still smells like Tarisan Ale from when that little dipshit was here". "MOVE"!

Chris and Leon hung their heads as they walked toward the cockpit.

"Well, this is great". Leon said as they reached it. "How do we always get stuck doing the bitch work"?

"I don't know". Chris replied as they looked at the mess. "But atleast it can't get any worse".

"I'll take that bet". A voice said.

Suddenly the pilot's seat spun around, and they gasped at who was sitting there.

"Liquid"! They both exclaimed.

Before they could react he dove forward, and grabbed both of them by the hair before smalling their faces down into one of the monitors.

"Yes, I'm back". Liquid replied as he held them down. "You thought you could just leave me with that crazy bitch and walk away scott-free, huh"? "Well I've got some bad news bears for you two jackoffs, because what I'm gonna do to you guys is gonna be even worse than what was done to me".

(FLASHBACK)

"Comfortable, honey"? Callisto asked as she finished locking the stocks that Liquid was trapped in.

"Let me outa this thing"! Liquid demanded.

"I want to, Liquid". "But first I have to make sure that you will never run away from me again".

She walked over to the fireplace, and Liquid's eyes widened as she picked up a red-hot branding iron.

"What are you gonna do with that"? He asked.

"Now this is going to sting a little". Callisto replied as she came back over to him. "But I need to make sure that everyone knows who you belong to".

"That's really, really not nessessary". "Come on, put that thing down and let me out so we can talk about this, ok"?

"Damnit, Liquid... I'm only doing this because I love you"! "Can't you see that this hurts me more than it does you"?

"Oh yeah... then give me the branding iron so we can test that theroy".

"Mmmmm, kinky". "But business must always come before pleasure, sweetie".

She kissed him, and then Liquid screamed as she struck him with the branding iron.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"Wow, that's fucked up". Leon said.

"What, you don't believe me"? Liquid asked.

He let them go before turning around, and dropping his pants so that they could see the burned-in writing on his ass that said:

PROPERTY OF CALLISTO

"Oh my God". Chris said as Liquid pulled his pants back up. "Liquid, we're so sorry".

"Not as sorry as you're gonna be". He replied. "You left me to be dragged away and abused by that psycopath, and sure we had sex five times during my captivity, but I will never forgive you two cock-holsters for the brand on my ass"!

He suddenly punched Leon in the mouth and kicked Chris in the nuts before grabbing them by the hair, and dragging them down the hall. Then he pulled them into the bathroom, and Ashley screamed as she was tossed out, before Liquid shoved Chris and Leon's heads into the toilet.

"You're probably wondering how I got away, right"? He asked as he pulled them back up.

"She didn't flush"! Chris yelled.

"Don't fucking interupt me"!

He shoved them back into the toilet, and used his foot to flush it.

"Is that better"? Liquid asked. "Now where was I... oh yeah, it turns out that as crazy as Callisto is, she is a patriot of the Republic". "All I had to do was convince her that I was absolutely vital to the salvation of your stupid ass Republic, and she let me go... after making me swear a blood oath that I would come back and marry her afterwards".

He held them in the water for another few seconds, before letting them up and tossing them back into the hall.

"Liquid"? Jill asked. "You're back"?

"Kinda busy here, Jill". He replied. "I'll be with you once I finish breaking my foot off in these two's asses".

"Bweep-bop-doop-beep-dwooooooo". T3M4 said as it rolled into the hall.

It spat a beer into Liquid's hand, and his anger seemed to melt away.

"Thanks, T3M4". He said as he took a drink. "You're like a really awesome dog". "The completely unprovoked kindness of this droid has convinced me to forgive and forget all transgressions against me".

"LIQUID"! Barry screamed as he tackled him to the ground.

"Get off me"!

He managed to push Barry away, and then he got to his feet with all the anger restored.

"Now you've done it". He said. "That big oaf has just undone all the niceness that was inspired by the droid... and in my blind rage I am forced to do things like this".

He kicked and stomped Chris and Leon a few times, before turning away and walking back toward the cockpit. A few seconds later the engines powered up, and everyone was knocked on their ass as the Ebon Hawk left the landing pad, and shot back into space.


	23. Set Course For Korriban

Once they were out of the planet's atmosphere, Liquid put the Ebon Hawk into auto pilot, and everyone gathered into the center chamber where Jill was plugging the starmap's data into the simulator.

"Ok". She said as it finished loading. "This is all the information we have on the Starforge's location so far".

She pushed a button, and the galaxy map began to display, but then it fizzled out. So she pushed the button again, and it displayed a completely blue screen with a bunch of random code before going dark once again.

"God damn Windows 7"! She yelled as she kicked it. "Liquid, ask your stupid droid what the hell is wrong with this thing".

T3M4 wasted no time rolling over to the computer, and then it did a quick scan.

"Boop-bwoop-deep-dwoooo". It said.

"He says it's the operator". Liquid translated. "It's defective and needs to be replaced".

"Well that's just great". Jill replied. "Where are we gonna get a new... I just got that... very funny".

"I thought it was". "Can you make it work, T3"?

"Boop-Bweeop". It replied as it rammed into the computer.

The blue screen went black for a second, and then the data from the starmap slowly faded into view.

"Thanks, you two". Jill said as she stepped toward it. "Defective operator, I outa blast both of you out the airlock".

Liquid high-fived one of T3M4's arms, and then the droid gave him another beer as Jill cleared her throat.

"As I was saying". Jill continued. "This is all the data we have so far on the location of the Starforge". "As you can see the map we found was heavily damaged, and only contained enough useful data to start us in the right direction". "It gave us the location of four other maps, one on each of the following planets: Tattooine, Kashyyyk, Manaan, and Korriban".

"What about Uranus"? Liquid asked.

Everyone chuckled at this.

"Please hold all questions". Jill continued.

"But I want to see Uranus". Liquid replied. "There have been reports of Klingons".

Everyone laughed, and Jill's face turned red as she gritted her teeth.

"Anyway". She said while trying to keep calm. "We need to visit all these planets to get the data in the starmaps, but what we need to decide right now is which one to do first".

"I'd like to do Uranus". Liquid replied.

At that moment Jill completely lost control, and she screamed as she tackled Liquid to the floor. Then she began punching him in the head again and again until finally getting tired and standing back up.

"Let that be a lesson to you". Jill said as she walked back over to the map. "You should never provoke a Jedi, because no mere man is anything close to a match for one".

"Good lesson". Liquid replied as he sat up. "And now I have a lesson for you, Jill". "It's called situational awareness".

Suddenly Jill's robe fell off, and everyone's eyes about bugged out of their heads as she stood there in shock for a second before being able to pull the robe back on.

"If you'll excuse me". Leon said as he walked away. "I need to be alone for awhile".

"What the hell"? Jill exclaimed as she looked around. "Where's my... and my... and where's my..."?

"Looking for these"? Liquid asked.

He held out his hand, and in it was Jill's belt, bra, and underwear.

"I took them while you were pummeling me". He explained as she grabbed them. "You were so blinded by anger that I was able to take everything you had". "So even though you won the fight, you still lost completely". "Oh, I also got your Lightsaber and lipstick, but you can have the Lightsaber back".

He tossed her the Lightsaber as he got to his feet.

"Why do you want my lipstick"? She asked.

"I don't". Liquid replied. "I just don't want you to have it anymore". "Besides, I think girls look better without makeup anyway".

She gritted her teeth again, and then stormed off to her room.

"I'm gonna just... make sure she's ok". Ada said as she followed.

"Me too". Chris replied as he started toward the hall.

"You sit the fuck down"! Liquid yelled as he pushed Chris back to his spot. "Now even though getting to feel up on Jill was totally worth that ass kicking, she was right about one thing". "We do need to decide what planet to go to first". "And to make this decision, I shall call upon any Captain's most trustworthy advisor... the magic 8 ball".

"That's not gonna work". Ashley replied. "Those things only answer yes or no questions".

"Ashley, are you even old enough to have ever owned one of these".

"Well... no". "But atleast I don't have any grey hairs".

"I DO NOT HAVE GREY HAIRS"! "My hair just starts to get blonde highlights when I spend a bunch of time in the sun, that's all".

"But we're in space".

Liquid suddenly whipped the magic 8 ball at her, making it shatter as it hit her in the head. She then collapsed to the floor, and Liquid was left without his most trustworthy advisor.

"Chris". He said. "What planet would you go to first"?

"Um...". Chris replied as he looked at the map. "Manaan".

"Ok, so we're definitly not going there". "Now we have to decide between Tattooine, Kashyyyk, and Korriban".

"I'm from Kashyyyk". Barry said.

"A whole planet full of millions of you"? "I think not". "So, Tattooine or Korriban...". "LEON"!

"I'm busy". He replied from the bathroom.

"Tattooine or Korriban, pick one".

"I'll be out in a minute".

"FUCKING PICK ONE"!

"Alright... um... Tattooine".

"Thanks Leon, Korriban it is". "Yall can go about your business".

He left the room, and went right to the pilot's chair. Then he began to enter the coordinates for hyperspace as T3M4 rolled into the cockpit.

"Boppa-dwoop". It said.

"That's right, T3". Liquid replied. "We are going to Korriban".

"Dwoop-beep-deeep-dwooooooooo".

"No, I've never been there before". "Why"?

"Beep-dwoop-deee-bopp".

"A Sith world"? "What do you mean"? "The Sith don't have worlds, they just fly around and destroy shit".

"Dwoop-bob-beep-bing-bwoooooo".

"An academy"? "Kinda like the Jedi place on Dantooine but for Sith"?

"Beep".

"Cool... you think the reward for Jill is still out"?

"Dwoop-beep-dwooop-beep".

"Now wait a second, why would you get seventy percent"? "You're a droid, what the hell would you do with credits"?

T3M4 said nothing as it turned around and rolled out of the cockpit.

"Greedy ass droid". Liquid said as he hit the last button.

The stars suddenly became long streaks, and an instant later the Ebon Hawk was shot into hyperspace.

On the Sith warship, Darth Wesker was once again stairing out the window as he liked to do for days at a time.

"Fourtyfive thousand and twelve bottles of beer on the wall". He sang to himself. "Fourtyfive thousand and twelve bottles of beer". "You take one down and give it to your best friend's sister... and then you're gonna get laid". "Fourtyfive thousand and eleven bottles

His song was interupted as Admiral Saul Karath once again walked across the bridge to speak with him.

"Yes, Admiral". Wesker said as he faced him.

"Lord Wesker". He replied. "I have important news".

"Hold on a second, what's that on your shirt"?

Admiral Karath looked down, and Wesker flicked his nose before bursting out with laughter.

"You fall for that everytime". Wesker laughed.

"Yes, Lord Wesker". "You really got me good". "I only wish that I had your talent for such things".

Wesker just looked at him for a second.

"Jeez, Admiral Karath". He said. "I know you're gay for me, but try to take it down a notch before the whole ship burns down".

"With respect, Lord Wesker". Admiral Karath replied. "I am not gay".

"Oh yeah"? "Have you ever had sex with a woman"?

"Well, I... uh, um... actually, well, um...

"I rest my case". "Now... have you learned how Jill was able to escape the destruction of Taris"?

Admiral Karath nodded, and hushed his voice down a bit.

"She was aided by Captain Liquid of the Republic". He explained. "He was a legendary soldier before he lost his mind and became a sadistic criminal".

"You know this guy"? Wesker asked. "Are you gay for him too"?

"I am not gay"! "I knew him a few years ago, but I had to Google him for the updates".

"Interesting... how did you get this knowledge"?

"From an eye-wittness, Lord Wesker".

Wesker looked up as Dog the bounty hunter walked over to him.

"That's right"! He yelled. "I survived Taris in a way that will never be explained because you are just supposed to assume that I'm badass like that"! "Cause I'm the Dog, the big bad Dog, BOUNTY HUNTER"!

"Ok". Wesker replied. "Still, you are lucky to be alive after facing a Jedi and a war hero".

"Yes I know, but that's just cause I'm the Dog, the big bad Dog, BOUNTY HUNTER"!

"Mr. Dog here has agreed to assist us in capturing Jill". Admiral Karath explained. "His price will make you shit a gold brick, but his reputation shows that he's worth it".

"Ok, I'll try anything once". Wesker said. "Bring Jill to me alive if possible".

"And the others"? Dog asked.

"Eat them for all I care". "The only one I want is Jill".

"Don't worry, you'll get her". Dog said as he started walking away. "Cause I'm the Dog, the big bad Dog, BOUNTY HUNTER"!

Wesker laughed to himself as he looked back out the window and resumed his song.


	24. Dreshdae Colony

Through the misty haze a starmap could be seen opening up inside of a temple or a shrine or something before everything faded into darkness.

There was a feeling of dread in the air as the Ebon Hawk came out of hyperspace and entered the atmosphere of the Sith world Korriban. Unlike Dantooine there were no plains or rivers. There was only mountains of barren rock for as far as the eye could see.

"You sure this is the place"? Liquid asked.

"Beep-boop". T3M4 replied.

"If you say so, but I don't see any sign of a colony or anything".

"Dweep-beep-dwoop".

"Oh, I see it... over there by that mountain".

Among the rocks there was a single sign of life. It was a completely enclosed colony except for the landing pad that Liquid was now setting the ship down on. A few seconds later they landed, and everyone was again assembled in the center room.

"Ok, listen up". Jill said. "We are now on the planet Korriban, also known as the graveyard world of the ancient Sith Lords". "There is also a very heavy Sith presence here, so one false move could get you dead". "Kinda like that guy out there".

They looked out the window, and gasped as a Sith reached into a man's mouth and yanked out his entire skeleton.

"Ok, we're outa here". Liquid said as he walked back toward the cockpit.

"Barry". Jill said.

Barry went after Liquid, then they struggled for a second before the big guy tossed Liquid over his shoulder to bring him back.

"We can't go anywhere". Ada added. "We need the starmap that is on this planet so we can find the Starforge, remember"?

"Fine". Liquid replied as Barry set him down. "Then I'll stay here while you two dikes go and find it".

"We're not going anywhere". Jill said. "The Sith would surely recognize me, and I need Ada here to help me, um, guard the ship". "In fact I can't think of anyone better for the job than you, Chris, and Leon".

"No way, not this time". "There's plenty of other people on this ship, and it's unfair to not give all of them a turn to risk their lives all for the sake of the stupid ass Republic".

Jill shook her head.

"You know, there is a plan in this". She explained. "Chris is a Jedi who left the order and wants to become a Sith, Leon is a Mandalorian mercenary who has come to Korriban seeking employment, and you are a piece of shit escaped crimminal who just wants to avoid Republic space". "Now doesn't that make sense".

"No". Liquid replied.

"Ok... Barry, show them out".

Suddenly Barry scooped up all three of them, and took them to the door where he tossed them out onto the landing pad.

"Dikes"! Liquid yelled as the ramp closed.

"What do we do now"? Leon asked.

"Well, the starmap in my dream was in a temple". Chris replied.

"Ok, so let's find a temple". Liquid said.

They got to their feet, and it was really hot out so they walked over to the door to the colony, and were greeted by a man at the terminal.

"Ah, welcome to Korriban". He said. "It's always good to see the Ebon Hawk on our landing pad".

"It is"? Leon asked.

"Sure, especially since Davik stole it from me the the last time he was here".

Suddenly the man had his blaster pointed at them.

"Up against the wall, you freak monkeys"! He yelled. "RIGHT FUCKING NOW"!

He moved them up against the wall, and then began searching their pockets.

"I know what you're doing here". He continued. "Davik thought it would be funny to make me watch my own ship being used for his smuggling runs, huh"?

"Look". Chris said. "I'm sure that this is just a big misunderstanding".

The man responded to this by hitting him in the head with his blaster.

"I been stuck here for months, you faggot"! He yelled. "I ran out of credits after the first two weeks, so I had to get a job at this God damn customs terminal"! "But now that I got all your stuff, I'm gonna kill you losers, and then fly away from here on my ship".

"You can't kill us". Liquid replied.

"Who the fuck are you"?

"Liquid". Chris said. "What are you doing"?

"Shut up, Chris". Liquid replied. "I'm Liquid, the man who can smell a bullshit coward from a mile away".

"I ain't no coward, bitch"! The man yelled.

"Yes you are, or you would have shot us at your terminal". "I bet you don't even know how to use that pissy little Echani blaster, do you"?

"Yes I do, and I'm gonna kill you with it"!

"You won't do it, you're scared". "That's why I'm about to kill you and take the little bit of stuff that Davik left you here".

"DIE YOU FAGGOT"!

He pointed the blaster at Liquid's head and pulled the trigger, but the shot burst out from the back of the weapon, putting a large hole in his forehead as he collapsed. Liquid then reclaimed their possessions plus another fifty credits before walking back to the terminal.

"What the hell just happened"? Chris asked. "Why are you not dead"?

"I know"! Leon yelled. "You did that thing you did to Jill when you took her stuff while she was mad".

"I didn't do anything at all". Liquid explained as he looked for the door release. "He was using a frail little Echani blaster, and the dumbass bent the barrel when he hit you with it".

"So I saved us"? Chris asked.

"No, your enemy just happened to be a fucking idiot".

With the touch of a button the door to the colony slid open, allowing them to enter a brightly lit hallway. There was even air conditioning once the door slid closed again. However they had not even gone ten stepps when they came upon a group of people who were cowaring in fear from someone who appeared to be a Sith.

"What the fuck is this"? He yelled as he tossed his drink on the floor. "How dare you bring me this bullshit Pepsi"?

"We're sorry, Master Sharrdan". The closest one to him replied. "Pepsi was all they had".

"SITH LORDS DRINK COKE"! "How many times do I have to tell you retards that"? "However I like being called master, so I will give you one more chance".

"Thank you, we will get you another drink right away".

"I DON'T WANT ANOTHER DRINK"! "And for that I should just kill the lot of you right now"! "In fact... you there... Jedi".

"Me"? Chris asked.

"No, the other one, YES YOU"! "You're looking to get into the academy too, right"? "These pathetic hopefuls can't even do the slightest task properly, so I'm going to spare them the pain of getting killed at the academy... by doing it myself".

(Dramatic music is played)

"Uh... ok". Chris replied. "So what do you want me for"?

"I can't decide how to do it". Sharrdan continued. "I was thinking of electrocuting them, or maybe pulling out their entire skeleton from their mouth, but I just can't decide so I want you to". "What do you think should befall them for such failure"?

"Aw, what's wrong"? Liquid asked. "The poor little Sith can't think of anything cruel to do to them on his own"? "Then maybe you should become a bullshit ass Jedi or something".

"I wasn't talking to you".

"Well, I was talking to you"!

Liquid suddenly walked right up to Sharrdan, and bitch slapped him.

"You call yourself a Sith"? He asked. "Let me guess, you spent most of your high school years inside your own locker, right"? "And now you think that you can become a Sith in order to finally gain the power and respect that you deserve, right"?

Sharrdan started to say something, but Liquid bitch slapped him again. Meanwhile the small group of people used this time to run away.

"I didn't say that you could talk, fish"! Liquid yelled. "I run shit on this block, now gimme everything in your pockets right now"!

Sharrdan went for his Lightsaber, but Liquid kicked it out of his hand, and grabbed him by the nose, making him scream as it was twisted.

"Damnit, Charlene"! Liquid continued as he took all his credits. "You are gonna learn real quick that everything you get automaticly belongs to me, because you are now my bitch"! "That means that I get all your fries at lunch, and you squat whenever I allow you to use the toilet"! "Now get the fuck out of my face"!

Liquid let go of Sharrdan's nose before spinning him around and kicking him in the ass. This gave him a mouthful of floor, and then took off running down the hall while crying his eyes out.

"That was amazing". Chris said as they walked up to him.

"It's all about confedence, Chris". He explained. "You will find that half of the people in this galaxy who get off on inflicting pain are just little bitches at heart". "But be careful, because the other half will eat you alive".

"I would've just killed him". Leon replied. "But don't feel bad, Liquid, not many people can measure up to a warrior of my caliber". "Hell, most who try to achieve my level of greatness either die or go crazy".

"Thank you, Leon". "Somehow I'll sleep tonight".

They continued down the hall, passing a few stores and some apartment complexes, before rounding a corner where half a dozen people dressed like Sharrdan were blocking the way.

"Well, what have we here"? Their female leader asked. "A group of silly looking travelers... led by a Jedi no less". "Well guess what, Jedi, we Sith make the rules here". "How does it feel knowing that weither you live or die depends on my whim"?

"What's a whim"? Leon asked.

"Relax guys". Chris said as he started toward her. "I'll handle this one".

"Chris, wait". Liquid warned.

But it was too late. He stuck out his chest, and walked up to the Sith girl like he was Kong Kong.

"What's your name, little girl"? He asked.

"I'm Lashowe". She replied. "Who the fuck are you"?

"I'm Chris 'the asskicker' Redfield". "Now I got half a mind to kick all your friend's asses before I bend you over that railing for

His speech was turned into a scream as she grabbed the waist of his pants and pulled up on them as hard as she could, making him go cross-eyed as her friends grabbed him. They tossed him to the floor and kicked him for awhile before laughing as they walked away.

"Good effort, Chris". Liquid said as he and Leon stood over him. "But remember how I told you that half of the bad people are wimps"?

"Yeah". Chris gasped.

"That girl was a member of the other half". "You gotta learn to read people better". "Now get off the floor before somebody else sees you".

It took him a second to get up, and then he hobbled his broke ass down the hall aways until Liquid had them stop at a cantina.

"What can I get for ya"? The droid bartender asked.

"Three mudslides". Liquid replied. "And information on how to get into the Sith Academy".

"The mudslides I can do". "But getting into the academy is a bit harder". "First you gotta be strong in the force, and then you gotta impress her".

He pointed to the back of the cantina where a purple twilek woman was sitting alone.

"Who's that"? Liquid asked. "She's cute".

"Yeah, the kinda cute that will cut your throat". The droid replied. "That's Yuthara Bann, the one who decides who does or does not get in".

Liquid nodded as he gave the credits to him for the drinks, and then he moved over to Chris.

"Go talk to that twilek over there". He said. "Tell her that you want into the academy, and don't fuck it up".

He pushed Chris forward, and watched as he walked over to Yuthara. They exchanged words for a second, then she punched him in the nuts and began bashing his head into the table. Liquid rolled his eyes as she pushed Chris down to the floor and spat at him as he crawled away.

"How did it go"? Liquid asked as he crawled back to his barstool.

"She said I need a token or something to get into the academy". He replied. "Then she said that it would be a cold day in hell before I got in". "Then she kicked my ass, called me a 'shutta' and then I came here".

Liquid thought for a second. How was he supposed to get a beautiful twilek woman to give Chris a token to enter the Sith academy?

(FLASHBACK)

"LEON"! The twilek slave girls squealed as he walked in. "OH MY GOD IT'S LEON"!

(FLASHFORWARD)

"Come with me, Leon". Liquid ordered.

"Where we goin"? He asked.

"No questions, just move".

He grabbed Leon by the hair, and pulled him over to Yuthara before throwing him right in her lap, making her drink spill. She gasped in shock and raised her arm to strike him dead, but then she looked at him and froze.

"Oh my God". She said. "You are without a doubt the sexiest creature that I have ever seen".

He started to say something but she bent him backwards and kissed him before he could. In fact all he managed to do was stomp his foot a few times before she let him up for air.

"It's nice to meet you". He managed to say. "I'm Leon".

"Shut up and take me, you gorgeous hunk of a man". Yuthara replied. "Right here... on the floor".

"Well, um... I

"I SAID ON THE FLOOR, BITCH"!

She knocked his feet out from under him, and then dove on top of him as Liquid took one of the Sith tokens from her bag.

"Have fun, Leon". Liquid said as he walked away.

"This is the best day of my life"! Leon yelled as Liquid and Chris left the cantina.


	25. Academy Enterance

"How did you know that would work"? Chris asked as they returned to the hall.

"I didn't". Liquid replied as he handed the token to Chris. "I just noticed that for some strange reason twilek women can't keep their hands off Leon, so I figured that she would either jump him or beat him to death". "Either way, it provided the distraction we needed to get that token, so its win-win if you ask me".

Since there was only one way to go down the hall, Chris and Liquid continued on the same path they had been walking before the cantina.

"Pssst". A voice said. "Hey, you... psst".

They stopped and looked around, finally spotting a Rodian hiding in the shadows.

"Come here". He continued. "You came in on the Ebon Hawk, right"?

Upon hearing this, Liquid pulled out his blaster and aimed it at the Rodian's face.

"Woah, relax"! He yelled. "I heard about what happened on the landing pad, but this isn't about that"!

"Who are you"? Chris asked.

"I'm Ted the Rodian". "You know, about the box".

Chris and Liquid just looked at eachother.

"Box"? Chris asked.

"Yeah, the box". Ted continued. "You guys work for Davik, right"?

"Not exactly". Liquid replied. "He died in the Taris attack".

"Oh... well I guess a few changes are to be expected when a planet gets bombed into nothing, right"? "So, how would you guys like to make some credits"?

"How many credits, and for what"?

Ted looked around for a second to make sure that no one was listening, and then he called them closer.

"I got this box, see". He explained. "It's an ancient and cool looking thing that is supposed to be delivered to Motta the Hutt on Tattooine".

"Hmmm". Liquid said as he holstered his blaster. "Well I was planning to see him when we got to Tattooine anyhow... it's nothing explosive or anything, is it"?

"No, not at all". "Its completely safe and harmless as long as you don't open it, and for your trouble Motta will give you two thousand credits".

"What happens if we open it"? Chris asked.

The Rodian suddenly uppercutted him in the mouth, making him hit the floor.

"NEVER OPEN THE BOX"! Ted screamed as he pointed his blaster at him. "It would be better if you had someone just blow your frickin head off"!

"Deal". Liquid said. "We'll deliver the box to Motta for the credits".

"Excellent". "I will have it put onboard your ship for you, and remember don't ever open it".

He stepped on Chris as he walked away, and Liquid now seemed to be in a better mood.

"You know, Chris". He said as Chris got up. "With all the credits I've made since escaping from the Endar Spire, I should be set for life after this is all over".

"What are you gonna do then"? He asked as they continued down the hall. "Just spend the rest of your life laying on your ass"?

"It's tempting, but just not me". "Now that Drulla's dead I'll probably be able get a job from Motta... the Ebon Hawk would make one hell of a smuggling ship".

"I was thinking that we could donate the ship to the Republic fleet".

Liquid suddenly smacked him in the back of the head as they reached a large door. Then it opened up to reveal a small canyon, and at the other end of the canyon was a large stone structure that was atleast twice the size of the colony.

"That must be the Sith academy". Liquid said as the heat hit them.

"How can you tell"? Chris asked as they started down the ramp. "Is it because its a really old stone building with an aura of evil eminating from it in all directions"?

"No its from the sign".

Chris looked at the building again, and saw the giant engraved words above the door that read:

SITH ACADEMY

IF YOU'RE NOT FIRST YOU'RE LAST

Once they reached the bottom of the ramp, the temperature seemed to get hotter, and the sun seemed to shine in Chris's eyes no matter which way he faced.

"This place sucks". He grumbled as they walked. "I can't wait till we find the starmap and get outa here".

"Just wait till we get to Tattooine". Liquid replied. "You'll be begging to come back here".

After a little more walking they reached the shadow of the academy, and now that the sun was out of his eyes, Chris could see a group of five people standing at attention for no apparent reason. And across from them was a guy wearing the same outfit as Sharrdan and Lashow. The people standing there looked like they were about to drop dead, and the Sith just looked at them.

"I don't like the looks of this". Chris said as he walked up to the first person standing there. "What's going on here"?

"Go away, dick lick". He replied. "I have to stand here like an idiot or he won't find me worthy".

"Worthy"? "What are you talking about"? "Who won't find you worthy for what"?

"Mekel... that Sith over there". "He said that if we stand here like a bunch of tools for long enough... we would be worthy to enter the academy".

"Really"? "How long have you been out here"?

"About three days now with no food or water... but we must be strong". "Even through the beatings and the sodomy, I shall prove myself".

"Sodomy"?

"You there on the end". Mekel called. "No one said you could talk during your test... punish yourself".

"Yes Master Mekel".

Suddenly the man began punching himself in the nuts, stopping only after he had collapsed to the ground.

"You're all fools". Liquid said as he approached. "If you don't know enough about the Sith to see that, then you deserve this". "Come on, Chris, let's go".

"Hold on a second". Chris replied. "We can't just leave these people out here". "They're dying".

"Yes, they are". "And they deserve it if they don't have the brains to walk away".

"You don't have a heart at all, do you Liquid"? "Well, I am a Jedi, and I'm going to put a stop to this because it is wrong even if they are dumb enough to deserve it".

Without another word Chris walked over to Mekel.

"Are you Mekel"? He asked.

"Yeah". Mekel replied. "Who wants to know"?

"Chris Redfield, badass Je, er, fallen Jedi, and asskicker of scumbags". "I demand to know why you think that its ok to keep these people here".

"I'm not keeping anyone here". "They can walk away whenever they like, but they won't because they think that I'll eventually find them worthy of entering the academy".

Chris was confused.

"So... its not really a test"? He asked.

"Sure it is". Mekel explained. "Its a test to see if these dumb fucks are actually gonna stand here long enough to die". "Any idiot knows that a Sith is not just some beast of burden, but I'm not gonna let them enter the academy just for figuring that out".

"I demand that you stop this right now".

"Oh yeah"? "Or what"?

"Or else I'm gonna do this".

Chris grabbed him by the shirt, but then Mekel head butted him, pushed his arms away, and knocked his legs out from under him.

"You sure showed me". He said as he twisted Chris's arm behind his back. "You hit the ground like a damn pro".

He then kicked him in the nuts from behind before shoving Chris's head into the rocks and stepping on his face.

"Lick my boot, dumbass". Mekel demended. "And be grateful that instead of killing you I'm just gonna make you part of the fun".

He kicked Chris as few more times before dragging him over to where the others were standing.

"This is your new spot, bitch". He said as he made Chris stand up. "And guess what, you just earned yourself a place at the front of the line for sodomy once I get back from dinner". "So I hope you remembered your kneepads".

He punched Chris in the stomach, making him fall to his hands and knees before he started walking back toward the colony.

"Good job, Chris". Liquid said as he walked up to him. "You stood up for the good of others, and in return you got your ass kicked".

"And where were you"? Chris asked as he got up.

"What, you want me to fight all your battles for you"? "I don't remember telling you to go over and start shit with a Sith that you know nothing about". "But that asswhoopin was punishment enough for your ignorance, so let's go". "That is, unless you wanna stay here and be Mekel's newest bitch".

"But what about these people"? "We can't just leave them here to suffer".

"Yes we can". "They heard your conversation with Mekel, yet here they remain like a bunch of tards".

"There has to be some way for us to help them". "I can't just let them suffer and die like this".

"Oh, alright".

Suddenly Liquid drew his blaster, and quickly shot all of them in the chest.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING"? Chris screamed as the fell to the ground.

"You said you didn't want them to suffer". Liquid replied as he put the blaster away. "If they're not gonna walk away on their own, then it was the only way to end their suffering".

"But... but... but".

"But, but, but, what are you a motorboat"? "Yes what I did was kinda fucked up, but guess what, we are on frickin Korriban, the stronghold of the damn Sith". "If you keep showing signs of weakness, then they are gonna realize that you are nothing but another punk ass Jedi, and then we are both gonna suffer a fate worse than getting shot in the chest". "So man the fuck up, and let's go".

Chris hated to admit that Liquid had a point. After all he was supposed to be a badass fallen Jedi, and he would have to stop holding back his terrible might if he was supposed to be convincing. So he followed Liquid up to the door, and they were met by a single guard.

"Halt". He ordered. "Only students with a token are allowed to enter here, so either show it, or back the fuck up".

Chris fumbled around in his pockets for a second, and then he started to sweat as he realized that it was gone.

"Uh... just a second". He said as he kept searching. "I know its here somewhere".

"No token, no entry". The guard said.

"You lost the token"? Liquid asked. "That's just great, Chris, now I gotta do this".

He kicked the guard in the nuts, and then uppercutted him, making him lose consiousness as he collapsed to the ground.

"That's really starting to hurt my hand, Chris". Liquid said as he looked for the door release.

"I don't know what happened". Chris replied. "It was right here in my pocket".

"Right, because there was no way for it to fall out while you were getting trounced by Ted the Rodian or Mekel, right"? "God, Chris, didn't they teach you anything at the Jedi enclave"? "Why don't you try fighting with some of those cool powers you all seem to have".

"Like what"?

"I don't know... lightning, or pushing with your mind, or something". "Fucking figure it out".

Liquid pulled a lever off to the side, and the large door slowly slid open.

"Are you ready"? He asked.

"I hope so". Chris replied as they walked in.


	26. Gaining Prestige

Made of solid stone and illuminated by a mix of wall torches and skylights, the Sith academy was truly a nightmare to behold for Chris as he and Liquid walked down the first hall.

In one room students were kicking the hell out of eachother, and in another room a prisoner was tied to a chair as some students dumped a bucket full of rats on him. There was violence and despair around every corner, and the screams of unseen victims filled the air.

"I don't know about this, Liquid". Chris whispered as they walked. "These people are psychos, and they're gonna kill me once they find out I'm not as sick and twisted as the rest of them".

"They will if you don't quit bitching". Liquid replied. "Just try to be cool".

"They're gonna see right through me". "They're gonna take one look at my and know that I am a champion of good, and they'll be like: Hey, you're a champion of good, aren't you"? "And I'll be like: No I'm not, because I'm bad to the bone, da na naa naaa naa na". "And they'll be like: No you're not, you're one of those hero types that lives for the destruction of all evil". "And I'll be like

He was interupted as Liquid backhanded him, and grabbed him by the shirt.

"And I'll be like: SHUT THE FUCK UP"! Liquid screamed. "Both of our lives depend on you convincing these lunatics that you are one of them, and I have a plan to help make you more convincing, but you have to look and act the part". "SO ACT TOUGH, YOU FUCKING PANSY"!

Thankfully there was no one in the hall and screams were common in this place, so their cover was not blown just yet. But once they reach the end of the hall it opened up into a large center chamber, where the other new students were gathered around an older looking man who was obviously in charge.

"Greetings, prospective students". He said as Chris and Liquid walked forward. "I am Patrick Stewart, the master of this academy... and what have we here, a late arrival"? "Hmmm, a young human bristling with the force, I see".

"You again"? Lashowe replied. "Didn't I kick your ass enough back in the colony"?

"What are you doing out of your place, bitch"? Mekel asked. "You're still tops on the list for sodomy, you know".

Chris started sweating bullets as everyone looked at him, and he was about to make a run for it, when Liquid stepped forward.

"You fools". He said. "My master was only testing you back in the colony, and now that you've foolishly allowed him to learn your moves, he could kill you all in a second". "Why, he's such a badass that even his lowly minion, that would be me, is capable of doing things like this".

Liquid suddenly kicked the nearest student in the back of the knee, and then put them in a headlock before breaking their neck. This made all the other students whisper amongst themselves as they took a step back.

"You see"? He asked as he dropped the dead student. "And that's nothing, just ask Charlene over there about the ass kicking he got after angering my master".

"It didn't happen like that"! Sharrdan yelled. "It was

"DO NOT SPEAK AGAINST MY MASTER"! "In fact you should get on your knees and kiss his second-hand boots in gratitude for him not killing your bitch ass"! "However even the mighty fallen Jedi Chris is capable of taking pity on you, so you may remain standing... for now".

Patrick Stewart just stood there for a second and the shrugged.

"Fine with me". He said. "If your slave can perform that well without being able to even feel the force, we can only imagine the dark possibilities that lay in your future". "However only one of you in this group shall be admitted to the academy as a full Sith". "And the others must wait till next year to try again... those that survive, that is". "So think of this as a competition, and I my apprentice, Yuthara shall fill you in on all the details".

A second later the purple twilek woman from the colony approached the group while trying to get her uniform on streight. She was all out of breath and looked like she had just been working out or something.

"Sorry I'm late, master". She said as she smoothed down her head-tails. "I got into a, um... a fight, yeah that's it". "So what did I miss"?

"Tell them the rules, Yuthara". Patrick replied.

"The rules"? "Oh, the rules". "Now, as Master Stewart said, only one of you can become a full Sith". "This will be decided by who can kiss his ass the most while also performing a series of ridiculously overwhelming tasks that are not nessessary at all". "What are these tasks, you ask"? "Figure them out yourselves, or you don't deserve the prestige that comes from victory".

"Thank you, Yuthara". "Now you have all been assigned a room which will be your living quarters during your time here". "I encourage you to get a little rest before you begin searching the academy for ways to prove yourselves".

Patrick and Yuthara walked away, and then another instructor gave all of the students an assigned room number. It was not hard to find Chris's room, and once they were inside Liquid closed the door.

"Oh my God". Chris said as he sat on the bed. "I thought they were gonna kill us back there".

"Not a chance". Liquid replied. "Well actually there was a really good chance, but I try to be an optomist".

"Ok... so what's next"?

"Well, getting in was the easy part, but now that you're in, we have to keep you alive long enough for us to find the starmap".

"Right, because in my dream it was in a place that looked like this".

"Good, then as soon as we start searching the better". "Everyone else should be resting, which gives us the advantage, so let's go".

They walked back into the hall, and had only gone as far as the next room when a sound caught Liquid's attention.

"Leon... the mighty". Someone sang sadly from inside. "Roams through the... countryside".

"Leon"? They both asked.

Being the master of stealth that he was, Liquid kicked open the door, and it was in fact Leon doing the sad singing. He was locked in the stocks, and wearing only a Tarzan loincloth.

"Oh thank God". He said as they came in. "Unlock this thing, and get me out of this totally sexy outfit before she comes back".

"Whatever for, Leon"? Liquid asked. "Is being held hostage and abused by a beautiful psycho not as much fun as it sounds"?

"Liquid, if this is the kinda stuff that happened to you when we let Callisto get you, I am so sorry". "Everything was going great until she got out the strap-on, and then most of it was horrible".

"Relax, you little bitch... we'll get you out".

Chris grabbed Leon's clothes off a nearby dresser while Liquid used his blaster on the lock. Then Leon did a quick costume change, and when they turned around to leave...

"What the hell is this"? Yuthara asked as she walked in. "Are you stealing my sex slave"?

"Of course not". Liquid replied. "We were just, um, letting him out to, uh, use the bathroom".

"THERE IS NO BATHROOM"! "Now either you idiots come up with a more convincing story or I'll just kill the lot of you and put Leon back in the stocks"!

"Ok, fine". Leon said. "I told them that I'd help them out if they let me go so that I could, um, see you". "Yeah, that's it, I just missed you so much that I agreed to help them if they freed me".

Yuthara smiled and they could almost see the little hearts floating around her head.

"I missed you too, Leon". She said. "And now you don't have to go anywhere because I'm off for the rest of the day".

"You know". Liquid continued. "It would really mean alot to Leon if you could help Chris gain some prestige".

Liquid elbowed Leon, and then he nodded his head.

"Uh, yeah". Leon replied. "Because I know that, um, any woman who would, uh, help out Chris, is, um, one that I could, uh, love forever... yeah, that's it".

Yuthara suddenly got a serious look on her face, and all of them took a step back as she approached.

"I'll tell you what, Chris". She said. "I'll tell you how to gain enough prestige to be the winner, and I'll even allow you the use of my boy-toy here... if you do something for me, that is".

"What is it"? Chris asked.

"Oh, nothing much at all... you just have to help me kill Patrick Stewart".

(Dramatic music is played)

"How the hell are we gonna do that"? Chris asked.

"Simple". She explained. "Once you have enough prestige, you will be taken to the tomb of Naga Sadow for your final test because it is where Revan and Wesker found an ancient artifact that led to the Sith's rise to power".

"Really"? Liquid asked. "Revan and Wesker went there, huh"?

"Anyway, there you and I will be alone with him". "He normaly has two students fight to the death there, but my sources tell me that this time the winner is going to fight me". "We can then attack him together, which should be easy if you're even half the badass that your minion here had made you out to be".

"Uh... yeah". Chris said as he swallowed hard. "No problem".

"Excellent". "Now about your prestige, there are a few things inside the academy to be done, but the real wealth is out in the valley of the dark lords, where all the tombs are". "There also might be something to be done in the little cave just outside the rear enterance, but your priority is the tombs". "You can go inside three of them now, but the fourth can only be opened by the master of the academy". "Any questions"?

"Uh... no"?

"Good... don't you dare disapoint me".

She then slammed Leon with an eight second kiss, and allowed them all to leave the room before shutting the door.

"Ok, here's the plan". Liquid said as they started walking. "We need to get prestige, and we need it fast so that we can find the starmap and get the hell outa here".

After rounding a few more corners, they came into a room where a Mandalorian seemed to be sleeping in a steel cage. But when they tried to pass by, the prisoner's eyes opened and he grabbed Chris by the hair before slamming his head into the bars.

Liquid and Leon went to assist, but the prisoner kicked both of them through the bars, knocking them down as he continued to bash Chris's head.

"You fucking Sith never give up, do ya"? He asked. "But I'll never tell you where the weapons cashe is, no matter what you do to me".

"But I don't want it"! Chris yelled. "You can keep it, just let me go"!

"Oh now you don't want it, huh"? "Now my weapons aren't good enough for you, huh"? "Well now you're stuck with them because they're under a secret panel on my ship". "So take that, you dumb fuck"!

He bashed Chris's head into the bars one more time before pushing him away, making him fall on his ass. Then a Sith instructor walked in and stabbed the prisoner with his Lightsaber.

"That was amazing". He said.

"It was"? Chris asked as he rubbed his head.

"Yeah, we've been torturing this guy for months trying to get that information out of him, with no results". "Then you come in here with a little reverse psycology, and you find it in ten seconds". "You've done an awesome thing today, and I'm gonna tell Master Patrick all about it".

The instructor vanished around the corner, and Chris got to his feet.

"Cool". Liquid said. "That's a good start, but I think we should just head outside before anyone else does".

Chris nodded, and they continued down the endless maze of hallways until they reached a door that looked like the one at the front of the academy. And once it opened they found themselves back outside on a kinda narrow trail that curved as it headed down. There was also a cave not to far from the door, so that was where they headed first.

It was damp and really dark inside the cave, but atleast they were out of the sun. Now they were in a single tunnel that stretched farther than they could see.

"What do you think is in there"? Chris asked.

"Death". A voice said in the darkness.

Suddenly the cave was illuminated by three Lightsaber blades, each one pointed at one of their throats. And at the other end of the blades were two twileks and their human woman leader.

"Uh... hi". Chris said.

"Don't hi me, dipshit". She replied. "We know what you came here for, but I got bad news". "We aren't going back to the academy alive, and we won't let you kill us either, so the only option is for you to die".

"Wait, wait"! Leon yelled as they prepared to stab. "I'm sure we can work something out... we don't even know who you guys are".

"Don't lie to me, dummy". "You know damn well that we're the renegade students who ran away after refusing to kill for the master's pleasure". "All we want to do is leave, but you jackoff's keep hunting us, and we can't escape through the back of this cave because of the monster".

(Dramatic music is played)

"Monster"? Chris asked.

"Yes, the monster". She continued. "We tried to kill is a dozen times, and that's why there's only three of us instead of twelve". "Hey... there's an idea". "If you guys can kill the monster we won't have to kill you". "So get going"!

They were pushed forward at Lightsaber point for a ways, and then the renegade students hit a lever that made a large rock fall down, blocking the way back.

"We'll let you out when the monster's dead". She said from beyond the rock.

"I hate Jedi". Liquid said as he looked at the rock.

There was no way for them to move it, so they had no choice but to keep going down the tunnel, lit up only by chris's Lightsaber. But after walking for a few minutes they came to a gigantic cavern that was lit up by holes in the cieling. There was also sunlight coming from an exit on the other side of the cavern.

"That's our way out". Liquid said. "Screw those guys and their monster".

They started running across the room, but then they stopped in their tracks as a seven foot tall monster man dropped down from outa nowhere. It made a roar that shook the whole cave, and then it punched the stone above the exit, blocking it off completely.

Then it looked at them.

"Oh shit"! Liquid yelled as he pulled out his blaster.

He fired several shots as the monster came running at them. Most of the shots hit, but they had no effect as it reached them. Liquid fired another shot, but then it backhanded him, lifting him off his feet as he flew into the wall.

Liquid stopped moving as he hit the ground, and the monster proceded to knock Chris and Leon off their feet before making them scream as it held them both down with just one of its huge feet.

"Now I've got... hey". It said. "You aren't the ones from before". "What are you dickheads doing here"?

"You can talk"? Chris asked.

"Of course I can talk". "After all I am the Nemesis... born of the dark side, and hunter of all who wield the force". "That means you, in case you didn't get it".

"Oh God, please don't eat me"!

"Normaly I would, but today I only want the ones who came before". "A girl and her friends, the one who made my eye look like this". "I mean, I had trouble getting a date before, BUT NOW I WANT BLOOD"! "So here's what's up: I'm to big to fit into the tunnel you guys came in, so I'll let you clowns live if you go back there and tell them that I'm dead". "Deal"?

They quickly nodded, and it released them just as Liquid started to wake up. So after getting up, they helped Liquid to his feet and explained the deal as they headed back the way they came.

"But I don't wanna get anyone killed". Chris added. "So I think we should just distract them long enough for us to get out". "Agreed".

"Yeah". Leon replied. "No one deserves to be torn apart by something like that".

"Sure, why not"? Liquid asked as they reached the rock. "You know I'm all about doing the honorable thing".

He shot the rock with his blaster, and a few seconds later it started to rise back up.

"Did you do it"? The renegade leader asked. "Is it dead"?

"It sure is". Liquid replied. "It was a tough fight, and I think it cracked a few of my ribs, but by working together as a team we managed to push it into a sink hole". "The rear enterance is now clear, and you can go".

"Well, you came back alive so it must be dead". "I don't know how we could ever thank you, but you are truly good for helping us out like this".

"Don't mention it". "We'll be leaving now".

They headed for the enterance as the renegade students started down the tunnel. But as soon as Chris and Leon were outside, Liquid stepped back and pulled the lever, dropping the rock back into place a few seconds before the muffled screaming started.

"No, don't thank me". He said to himself as he broke the handle off the lever. "Doing good is its own reward".

He then tossed the handle away, and followed Chris and Leon outside.


	27. Valley Of The Dark Lords

"Ok". Liquid said as got outside. "Are you guys ready to...

His words stopped as he saw that Chris and Leon were tied up and gaged on the ground. And he had no time to react as a net wrapped around him, making him join the others on the ground.

"Now there we go"! Dog said as he dropped the net gun. "You guys gave me a good chase but no one gets away in the end cause I'm the Dog, the big bad Dog... BOUNTY HUNTER"!

He stepped away from his swoop bike, and walked over to his captives, only to get a disapointed look on his face as he saw who it was in the net.

"Amazing". Liquid said. "A net gun that actually works". "Usually they just part the guy's hair the wrong way or something".

"Oh, its you". Dog replied. "I was hoping it was Jill who was with them, but since I haven't gaged you yet, why don't you tell me where that pretty little Jedi went off to"?

"And why would I want to do that"?

"You mean beyond the fact that I could kill you at any time"? "Come on, Liquid, you spent some time as a bounty hunter so you know how it is". "Just tell me where she is and not only will I let you guys go, but I'll also throw in a finder's fee for your trouble".

"Yeah, I bet". "All the blaster shots I can eat, right"?

"Liquid, you're only being so cocky right now because I need one of you to tell me where she is". "Now that might mean that I can't kill you, but you would be shocked and amazed to learn what a human being can live through". "Starting with being tied to the back of my swoop bike for a little trip around the valley".

He went to grab him, but Liquid brought his legs up, and kicked Dog in the stomach as hard as he could. This made him lose his balance and start to roll down the trail a bit as Liquid rolled over to Chris as fast as he could.

"Gimme your Lightsaber"! He yelled.

He tried to grab it through the net while Chris tried to move closer to him. There was no way for him to get hold of it, so he just pushed the button, cutting one of Chris's ropes as it activated. But then Dog grabbed the net and started dragging Liquid away.

"You hit me"? He yelled as he stopped dragging. "No one hits me, you stupid son of a bitch"! "Cause I'm the Dog, the big bad Dog... BOUNTY HUNTER"!

He began punching Liquid in the head as hard as he could before moving on to kicks and finally a few body slams. Then he picked Liquid up over his head and tossed him into the rock wall.

"You had enough yet, Liquid"? Dog asked as he crashed to the ground.

"That's it"? Liquid replied as he spit out blood. "You should change your name to the Bitch". "Cause you're the Bitch, the nasty Bitch... FAT FUCKER"!

"YOU ARE GONNA DIE"!

He ran over for the kill, but at the last second Liquid tossed a handful of lose dirt into his eyes.

"I'M BLIND"! Dog screamed as he stumbled backwards.

Then he tripped over Leon, and fell onto Chris just as he was getting out of the ropes. This made Dog scream as the Lightsaber blade went into his back and came out his stomach.

"No"! Dog gasped. "You can't... kill me... cause I'm the... Dog... the big... bad...

Chris screamed as he deactivated the Lightsaber and pushed Dog's body away. Then he freed Leon, and it took all three of them to get the net off Liquid.

"Are you alright"? Chris asked as they helped him up.

"Sure". Liquid replied. "A little internal bleeding can be fun, just ask Callisto". "But hey, atleast now we can use his swoop bike to get into the valley faster". "And by we, I mean me".

"That's not fair". Leon said. "Why do you get the bike"?

"Can either of you two drive a swoop"? "And no, killing a bunch of racers on Taris doesn't count".

They just looked at eachother.

"Exactly". Liquid said. "I'll see you guys down in

He was interupted as the swoop bike exploded with such force that it knocked them all down.

"Like I said". Liquid continued as they got up. "We're all walking down into the valley together".

They made their way down the winding trail, and then it opened into a large valley where a bunch of Sith seemed to be digging. There were several small dig sites around the few dozen monuments scattered around the valley, but at each corner was a big stone structure that was almost as big as the colony.

"Hello there"? A Sith archeologist said as they entered the valley. "Are you students planning on exploring the tombs"? "Each one is really dangerous, but worth alot of prestige if you conquer each one".

"Dangerous how"? Liquid asked.

"Well, you see that one over there"? "That is the tomb of a great Sith lord named Marka Ragnos". "Funny story about that, you see it was cleared out a few years ago, but then a prototype war droid went crazy and killed a bunch of Sith before hiding itself in there along with eight of the meanest war droids that you ever saw".

"Where did it get the other droids"?

"I don't know". "They say that it built them all by itself, but who knows"? "Master Patrick says that if a student can defeat the droids, he will be given prestige towards winning the competition". "The next tomb is Naga Sadow, I think... but only the master of the academy can enter there, so I wouldn't worry about it".

"What about the other tombs"?

The archeologist looked at the identical tombs on the other side of the valley.

"Hmmm". He said. "The first one is the tomb of Ajunta Pall, a Sith who was known for an all powerful sword that he crafted himself". "A student will get prestige if he is able to recover the sword, but you should know that none that have gone in have come back out again".

"And the last one"? Liquid asked.

"Oh, that's the tomb of Tulak Horde". "No one knows much about that one, except for the fact that everyone who ever went in has come back dead".

"Ok... well, thanks".

The archeologist went back to his work, and Liquid was silent for a minute as he kept looking at all the tombs.

"I got an idea". He finally said. "And I know its a good one because its so crazy that it just might work".

"What is it"? Leon asked.

"We need to take care of all three tombs in order to get Chris in for the final test, right"? "And we need to do it before anyone else does, right"? "So I figure there's three temples... and there also just happens to be three of us".

"Are you suggesting that we split up"? Chris asked.

"No, only an idiot would suggest that". "This is more like a divide and conquer approach where we spread out our resources evenly in order to cover more ground at once".

"That sounds alot like splitting up". Leon replied.

"I tell you, its not splitting up". "If you don't believe me, then just go to the tombs, and we can all meet back here if it still feels like splitting up, ok"? "Does that make you feel better, you couple of flamers"?

"I guess that sounds ok".

"Yeah, we can try that". Chris said.

"Good, now if you girls are done kissing, we have some tombs to raid". "I'm gonna go to this one and take care of the droid, Leon can go get the sword or whatever it was, and Chris can go find out what happened to everyone who went into that tomb". "Ready... break"!

They all went their seperate ways, and Chris got an uneasy feeling as he walked toward the tomb of Tulak Horde, which happened to be the farthest one away.

"Of course I get this one". He said to himself. "Why should they have to walk any great distances"?

He passed several of the monuments, and was nearing the tomb, when something hit him in the back of the head, making him fall on his face. Then his attacker started kicking him for a few moments before taking his lightsaber.

"Hi, Chris". Lashowe said. "Fancy meeting you here". "Now start crawling, you worm"!

He was forced to crawl toward the tomb as she continued kicking and stomping him until he was allowed to stop right in front of it. Then she grabbed him by the hair, and made him get up to his knees.

"You are a worthless sack of shit". She said as she held her lightsaber to his throat. "A joke like you could never hope to have a chance of winning the competition, so I'm gonna do you a favor". "I'm gonna allow you the honor and privlege of helping me to win by being bait".

"Bait"? Chris exclaimed.

"Oh, didn't I tell you"? "You see, I found out that a rare Sith holocron was burried here until it was swallowed by a Tukata".

"What's a Tukata"?

"A really nasty creature that looks kinda like a mix between a wolf and a ram". "Anyway I'm gonna call it out here with this whistle that I picked up from the gift shop, and then I'm gonna kill it while its busy eating you alive". "Then I can take the holocron to the master and be one step closer to victory".

"That's a horrible plan"! "I want no part of it"!

"Oh Chris... I wouldn't have told you if you had a choice". "Now you just kneel there like a good little sheep or I'll just cut off your legs".

Lashowe kicked him in the side one more time, and then got a good distance behind him before blowing into her whistle. Then there was a rustling sound as a creature came out that was exactly as she had described. Of course she had forgotten to mention the three inch long fangs that were still dripping blood from its last kill.

"Uh... nice puppy". Chris whimpered as it came closer. "Uh... sit"? "Stay"? "Oh God, please don't eat me"?

Suddenly it lunged forward and leaped for the kill, but Chris screamed like a girl and dropped down at the last second, causing it to land on Lashowe instead.

Within seconds she was dead and the Tukata took off running across the valley with Lashowe's head hanging from its jaws as it vanished from sight. It took Chris awhile to stop shaking, but then after checking that no one had seen what happened, he jumped up and struck his hero pose.

"Who's the sheep now, Lashowe"? He asked as he reclaimed his Lightsaber. "You thought you had me, but only now do you see that I had this planned the whole time". "That's because I am Chris Redfield, ultimate Jedi ass kicker, and all around awesome man"!

He then turned away in order to enter the temple, but then he slipped on some of Lashowe's blood, totally ruining the moment by making him get a mouthful of dirt.

"I meant to do that". He said as he got up.

Then he took another look at the scary looking tomb, and slowly walked through the open door.


	28. The Three Tombs

Nothing made a sound as Leon cautiously stepped into the tomb of Ajunta Poll. No creatures, no machines, no nothing. And the only light came from a river of magma that could be seen through the wide trenches that ran along both sides of the path.

"Hello"? He asked. "Is anyone here"? "I hope not for your sake, because I'm a badass Mandalorian who's just itching for a fight".

Suddenly the door slammed shut, making Leon let out a girly shriek as he jumped.

Quickly he looked around, but he was still alone, so he crept down the path a quietly as he could.

"I... I'm brave". He said to himself.

What he didn't see was the bluish force ghost appear behind him, and it snickered at this poor fool who was about to wet himself.

"Not... afraid of nothin". Leon continued as the ghost came up behind him with a pair of cymbols. "Because I'm... I'm

Suddenly the ghost banged the cymbols together, making Leon scream as he ran into the wall. But instead of falling or running around it, Leon was so panicked that he started trying to claw his way through it.

And the ghost just made this worse by dropping a heavy chain, playing a trombone, and smashing a bunch of fine china all right behind him. This not only made Leon scream more as he pissed himself uncontrolably, but also sent him running blindly down the hall.

He ran and ran until he found himself in a kind of burial chamber. It was real quiet, making him believe that it was safe, but then he stumbled over something, and the color drained out of his face as he looked at the floor.

There were bodies. Dozens of them, some as fresh as a day old, and others reduced to dust piles. They all had expressions of pure terror on their faces, and Leon wanted to scream, but no sound came out so he just stood there with his mouth hanging open like a dumbshit.

"What's wrong, Leon"? A voice said, making him jump. "Cat got your tongue"?

Hysterical laughter filled the room as the force ghost appeared in front of him, and Leon prepared for battle by going crosseyed as he fainted.

"Oh Christ". The ghost said as a bucket of water appeared in his hand. "Another one of those types".

He poured the water on Leon's face, instantly making him stir.

"I wasn't sleeping"! He yelled as he jumped up. "I... I was just resting"! "WOAH, WHAT ARE YOU"?

"Relax, simpleton". The ghost replied. "For it is I... the ghost of Ajunta Poll".

(Dramatic music is played)

"Ajunta Poll"? Leon asked as he started shaking. "As in... the tomb of Ajunta Poll"?

"Yes". Ajunta continued. "I am one of the original Sith lords who rebelled against our Jedi masters because we felt they were holding us back". "So we found this lovely slice of paradise, and started killing eachother in order to see who was the strongest". "That is the curse of the dark side, you know". "We can crush any opponent, but then we just turn on eachother and everything starts over again".

"Wow... that kinda sucks".

"Damn right, it sucks". "We spend all this time building our power to conquer the galaxy, only to kick our own asses in the end". "But enough about that... you're here about the sword, aren't you"? "Of course you are, just like these poor bastards who came before you".

"What happened to them"?

"They made a bad choice". "You see, I wish nothing more than for my sword to be taken from this place".

"Cool, so show me where it is, and I will do just that for you".

"It's over there on the wall".

He pointed, and Leon saw a scary black vibroblade hanging on a display piece.

"But before you get it". Ajunta warned. "I must tell you that I cursed the sword before I died".

"What kind of curse"? Leon asked.

"The kind that killed all these people who sought to use it to build their own power". "You see, I felt really bad for all the evil shit I did in life, so I made sure that it could never fall into the wrong hands again". "Only a complete moron who lacks the brainpower to ever do anything seriously evil may touch the sword". "Everyone else gets burned like a little piggy".

"Then how am I supposed to get it"?

"I don't know, but its the only way to get out of the temple from the inside".

Ajunta laughed as he faded away, and Leon started sweating bullets. He didn't want to get burned alive, but at the same time he didn't want to spend the rest of his life in this tomb, so there was no choice but to try and get

"Outa the way loser". A voice said.

Leon didn't even get a chance to turn around before Sharrdan shoved him out of the way, making him land on a pile of skeletons.

"At last, the sword". He said as he approached.

"Wait a second, dont touch that". Leon warned. "It's

He was interupted as Sharrdan kicked him in the face. So he decided to just watch as he picked up the sword, and examined it.

"Excellent". Sharrdan said. "With this sword I shall be invincible, but first I need to teach your friend Liquid a little bit about proper

His words became a scream as his whole body burst into flames. He swung the sword around a few times as he ran around the room, but then he stumbled into one of the trenches, making himself and the sword vanish in the magma a second later.

"Tried to warn ya". Leon called down.

He felt really bad about what had just happened, but then the temple door unlocked, so he shrugged and ran toward the exit.

As Liquid walked up to the tomb of Marka Ragnos he started to hear music coming from inside, and it only got louder as the door slammed shut behind him.

"Hey dude, insane droid here, so what's up"? A voice sang over the intercom. "I got eight of my buddies built for messin you up". "But who cares"? "I wish I did but I wasn't made like that, bro". "There's no way out, so open up the next door and get ready to go".

With nowhere to go but forward in the single hallway, Liquid opened up the next door and it slammed shut behind him just before he had to drop down to avoid two metal blades that stuck into the wall.

"Metalman will rock your shit". The brown droid sang as he continued throwing blades. "You're hit, don't you forget it, bitch". "Throw a saw blade into your face, and leave you chopped up in disgrace".

"Wrong". Liquid sang as he kept dodging blades. "You're the first droid, bitch". "Don't need any skill to handle your shit".

"Yeah, you're right I'm no big deal".

"One shot from my blaster, and you're life I'll steal".

After dodging one more blade, Liquid fired his blaster pistol and hit Metalman in the face, making the droid fall dead as the next door opened. Then he went through and the door closed just as he was knocked on his ass by what looked like a clump of leaves.

"Hey there, freak". A bark covered droid sang as Liquid got up. "This frickin room is mine". "The name's Woodman, have some frickin leaves and vines".

"Well thanks alot, asshole". Liquid sang. "It's not like I don't got shit to do, instead of wastin all my energy fuckin with you". "Once I kill you and I finish this fight, I'm gonna find your boss and put out his light".

"You'll never get past my frickin shield of leaves".

"The name's Liquid, don't you know me"? "Believe it"!

"Then I guess I'll just throw the frickin thing at your ass".

More leaves gathered around the droid, and they came at Liquid just like before.

"I'll jump over that shit". Liquid sang as he leaped over it. "And then your ass is grass".

With another shot from his blaster Woodman was down and the next door opened.

"Two down, six more to go". Liquid sang as he walked in. "I'll beat you in a flash and

"Flash"! A blue droid sang as everything stopped moving. "You fool, Flashman in the house, and I'm breakin the rule".

"No fair, I'm frozen in the air".

"Time's on my side, no time to spare".

The time freeze wore off, and Liquid was able to move again.

"I'll shoot my blaster streight in your face". He sang as he aimed. "Put all you droids back in your place".

"Leave you there so long you rust". Flashman sang as he was frozen again. "When I'm done all that's left is dust". "It's my time to shine cause I'm better than most, the trend setter with the blue suit... you're toast".

"Um... I might not be wearin blue, but atleast I'm not as silly as you". "My blaster will cut a hole in your ass, wish I had my camera for a picture of that".

The time freeze wore off again, allowing Liquid to kill Flashman like the others. Then he entered a room with a large pool of water.

"The name's Bubbleman". A green droid sang as his head popped up. "And I got somethin to say, I

He was interupted as Liquid shot him in the head, making the droid sink to the bottom.

"I'm not even fuckin with you". He said as he entered the next room.

But then a strong gust of wind made him stumble into the wall.

"Look up in the sky, its a bird, its a plane". A large blue droid sang. "Its Airman, bitch, and I'm bringin the pain". "I got a fan stuck in my grill, no lie". "I'm gonna blow your ass right off the map, goodbye".

"Beat you, breathe you, make you CO2". Liquid sang as he stood back up. "Blow all you want, my blaster pistol repels you". "So blow me, phoney, your whole life's baloney". "You don't even pose a threat, so I'm not frettin it, homie".

"Shit... I'm as useless as Bubbleman".

With two shots from the blaster pistol, Airman's fan stopped turning and he collapsed.

"Wow that's pathetic". Liquid sang as he moved to the next room. "My blaster jammed your fan".

This time when he entered the room, an explosion sent him flying sideways, and he got up just in time to avoid another one.

"I will fuck you up". A shiney red droid sang as he got more bombs ready. "I will fuck you up, little man". "You can't catch me, cause I'm Crashman in red".

"Total your ass". Liquid sang as he fired. "I'm not messin around".

"I will throw a bomb, and then I'll jump around... what's that sound I hear"?

Suddenly one of the pillars in the room collapsed from the explosions, and fell on Crashman, completely crushing him.

"It's just the wind blowin ya down". Liquid sang as he entered the next room where another red suited droid was waiting.

"I'm Quickman, dressed in red". He sang as he dashed around the room in a blur. "I got a yellow boomerang attached to my head".

"Look, without any guilt I'll fuckin drink you in milk". Liquid sang as he tried to hit the droid.

But he was just to fast and Liquid found himself getting knocked on his ass more than once.

"Come on, Liquid, don't be sour". Quickman sang as Liquid got up.

"What I lack in speed I make up with in power"! Liquid sang as he started firing again.

"You can't touch my turbo skill".

"Yeah, well with my blaster pistol I'm comin in for the kill".

Three shots later it was over, and Liquid entered a room that was very hot.

"You must be Heatman, let's do this fast". He sang when he saw the box looking droid. "I gotta find your boss and then kick his ass".

"Don't get too close, or I might blow". Heatman sang as he shot fireballs at him. "Who knows what flows from the ground"? "I do, and I'll spew red goo all over your shoes". "I got a face like a radio and a box for a suit".

"You boss didn't really spend much time on you".

"Nope".

"Check it out, I'm tired of you". "Gotta get to your boss so this game is through". "I got my blaster pistol ready, and huntin to do".

"I've got more hot than a cow has moo". "I will burn you with my flame, cause zippo is my middle name". "I'm done fuckin around you little clown".

"Here's my blaster, have fun six feet underground".

Now that Heatman was down, Liquid was able to enter the final room where yet another droid was waiting for him, but this one was different. It was just as tall as him with red and white armor, and long blonde hair. But his scariest feature was the lightsaber in his hand.

"Liquid, you're just in time". He sang as the green blade activated. "My name is Zero, and your ass is mine".

"Bullshit, blondie". Liquid sang as he raised his blaster. "I got some blaster shots for ya". "So come and get some, I fuckin emplore ya".

Zero came at him with a slash, but Liquid was able to dodge just barely. In return he fired a few shots that his enemy easily deflected.

"It's useless, Liquid". Zero sang as they continued like this around the room. "I'll eat you like a reese's, you're nothing but a thesis, I'LL TEAR YOU TO PIECES"!

"Don't think so, Zero". He sang. "You'll make a mistake maybe, then you can get on your knees and cry like a lady".

Suddenly Zero cornered him, and shoved him against the wall with the blade just inches from his face. But this allowed Liquid the shoot the droid several times in the unprotected mid-section. Once this was done he used the Lightsaber to slice off it's head before putting the Lightsaber itself on his belt.

A few seconds later the music stopped as all the doors unlocked.

"You never know when something like this will come in handy". He said as he carried Zero's head toward the exit. "Eat your heart out, American Idol".

"It's not splitting up". Chris said to himself as he entered the tomb of Tulak Horde. "It's not splitting up, its just dividing... oh who I kidding, this is totally splitting up".

He turned around to leave, but then fell into dispair as the door slammed shut.

"Well that's just great". He said to himself. "Now in these situations, the most important thing is to remain calm".

He then started screaming for help as he pounded his fists on the door, but then there was a sound behind him, making him freeze. It sounded like steam escaping... or gas.

"Welcome". A voice said. "I assume you're another of that idiot Patrick Stewart's students"? "Then enjoy the gas"!

Suddenly the whole room filled up with green gas, and Chris passed out only to wake up sometime later inside of a metal cage.

"Ah... awake already". His captor said as his vision came into focus. "Good, because its... time...to play". "My other contestent is... not doing... so hot".

Chris looked across the other room and saw Mekel looking half dead inside another cage.

"Who are you"? Chris asked. "What's going on here"?

"Ah, yes... introductions". He said. "I am... William... Shattner... the former... master of... the Sith academy".

"Is something wrong with your voice"? "Why are you talking like that"?

"The rules... are simple". "I will ask... a question and... you will answer". "If you get it... right... Mekel will suffer... but if you are wrong... then... you... will suffer". "Question number one: How much wood... could a wood... chuck, chuck"?

"Uh... seven"?

"Correct".

William Shattner pointed his finger at Mekel, and he screamed as he was struck by some force lightning.

"Question number two:". He continued. "Why do black... people like... menthol... cigerettes so much"?

"Uh". Chris replied as he thought. "Because that's what Newports are"?

"Correct".

Mekel screamed again as he was hit with the lightning.

"Final round". Shattner said. "Question number three: What is... the difference... between an orange"?

"What"? Chris asked.

"Correct". "We have... a winner".

With one more jolt of lightning, Mekel's head exploded, and Chris's cage opened.

"Good job... Chris". William Shattner said. "Now get the fuck out"!

Gas filled the room once again, and Chris passed out only to wake up in front of the now open door. So he wasted no time in leaving.


	29. Ready For The Test

With all three of the tombs completed to the best of their abilities, it did not take long for the three of them to find eachother toward the center of the valley.

"Well, here's mine". Liquid said as he tossed Zero's head to Chris. "How did you guys do"?

"First I kicked down the door to Ajunta Poll's tomb". Leon explained. "I barged in like I owned the place, but then I met Ajunta Poll's ghost, and he turned out to be pretty cool, so we had a few laughs before he showed me where the sword was". "He begged me to take the sword because I was the only one awesome enough to, and I was about to, when Sharrdan attacked me from behind". "I defeated him easily, but the slippery bastard used his last breath to throw himself and the sword down into the magma".

"So, you failed to get the sword"? "Leon, even if the Sith were dumb enough to believe that ridiculous story, all the effort in the world means nothing without accomplishing your mission". "So I just gotta ask... were you born a complete fuck up, or did you have to work at it"?

Leon started to reply but his words turned into a scream as Liquid kicked him in the nuts, making him fall on his ass as Liquid turned to Chris.

"And what about you"? He asked. "Don't tell me that I'm the only one who actually did something right... although I wouldn't be completely shocked about it".

"You shoulda seen it, Liquid". Chris replied. "First I met Lashowe outside the temple, and I used my mad Lightsaber skills to disarm her". "Then we had sex three times, and she was like: oh Chris, I love you". "And I was like: sorry babe, but I'm a lone wolf who is just too much of a stud to be tied down to one chick". "And she was like: if I can't have you than no one will". "So we fought, and I had no choice but to cut her frickin head off, and feed it to the Tukata". "After that I met William Shattner in the tomb and he had me and Mekel fight to the death". "So I was like: you know I'm gonna

He was interupted as Liquid palm struck him in the head.

"Be healed"! He yelled as Chris fell down. "Good, now that the dumbass demon is no longer squeezing your mind, maybe you can tell me if you actually accomplished anything".

"Uh... no". Chris replied.

Liquid just stood there for a second as he tried to think.

"Ok". He said. "As far as prestige goes we found the weapon cashe, dealt with the renegade students, and took care of the insane droid". "I doubt that's enough to win the competition, but maybe killing those other students will help your case a little". "So come on, let's go".

Chris and Leon got to their feet, and followed Liquid back across the valley.

"Hey, Chris". Leon said as they walked. "Did you really screw Lashowe three times"?

"Ok, it was only once". Chris replied. "But keep that between us, alright"?

Liquid shook his head as they left the valley, and thankfully they didn't say anything else as they went up the trail toward the academy. But then they reached the spot where they fought Dog, and Chris lost his lunch as he saw the fly covered corpse.

"I hate when people throw up". Leon said. "Because it always makes me

His words stopped as he bent over and threw up.

"The hell is wrong with you two"? Liquid asked. "Did you think this was some kind of a videogame where people just vanish after you kill them"? "Don't get me wrong, that would be awesome, especially that time I tried to rescue sleeping beauty".

(FLASHBACK)

The moon was full as Liquid crept through the bushes, toward the tower where a beautiful princess was said to have been cursed by a witch. Of course there was no door, so he would have to be creative.

"Ok". He said to himself as he got his tools ready. "Now that I'm at the tower, all I gotta do is get inside, kiss the princess, and then she will be so grateful that she will grant me asylum from the Republic... after a great romp in the sack, that is".

After using his grappeling hook to scale the tower wall, Liquid climbed in through the window, and approached the sleeping princess. Then he took a few hits of breath spray, and leaned in for the kiss, when she opened her eyes and shattered a vase over his head.

"What the fuck is this"? She demanded as Liquid hit the floor. "They said this was a good neighborhood, but now I got perverts climbing in through my window"? "I don't fucking think so"!

She grabbed everything she could reach, and began tossing them at Liquid, smashing most of them over his head before he was able to take cover behind a support pillar.

"What the hell is your problem"? Liquid asked as she continued to throw things.

"Problem"? The princess asked. "When a pervert breaks into your house and tries to molest you, you tell me where the damn problem is"!

"But aren't you the beautiful princess who was put under a sleeping spell"?

She stopped throwing things for a second.

"Oh, hell no". She continued. "So not only did you break into my tower and try to molest me, but I'm not even the one that you were looking for"? "That comatose bitch is two blocks down, you tard, but you're never gonna see her because I'm gonna kill you right here".

The princess leaped out of bed and tried to strangle him, but they lost their balance and fell right out the window. The good news was that Liquid survived the fall, but the bad news was that the now dead princess had landed under him. So he had no choice but to take off as police sirens started going off in the distance.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"And that was the second time the Republic recaptured me". Liquid continued. "Anyway, let's get back into the academy".

The large door opened, and once again the screams of unseen victims filled the air. But atleast now that they knew their way around the academy, it did not take long for them to reach the chamber where Patrick Stewart was standing.

"Ah... Chris". He said as they approached. "I heard that you managed to pry the location of the weapon cashe out of our Mandalorian prisoner". "Well done... however I had his ship destroyed quite some time ago, so I must choose between rewarding you for the success or punishing you for not doing it in time". "So let's just call that one... fair". "Now have you any progress to report"?

Chris was starting to shake as he handed over the head of Zero.

"Amazing". Patrick replied. "I didn't think anyone here could defeat this droid, especially since it was designed to kill those who can feel the force". "What do you have to say about that, huh"?

"That's, um". Chris said. "That's just... um... how I role"?

The master shrugged and tossed Zero's head away.

"I'm feeling generous". He continued. "So I'm just gonna give you credit for that one". "Hell, since all the other students are dead, that makes you the winner by default".

"Really"? Chris asked. "I won"?

"You certainly did, now I suggest that you get some rest, because when you are ready I shall take you to the tomb of Naga Sadow where your final test will begin". "WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE"?

Chris and the others quickly left the center chamber, and headed back for the assigned room.

"So far, so good". Liquid said. "Now all we gotta do is get the starmap and get outa here". "That shouldn't be too hard with all three of us in the tomb".

"Wrong". Yuthara replied as she came around the corner, making them jump. "Chris will be the only one of you allowed to enter the tomb". "Congratulation on winning the competition, by the way".

"Uh, thanks". Chris said. "It um, wasn't hard at all".

"Good, then helping me kill Patrick Stewart shouldn't be hard at all, either". "But I suggest that you stop by the dueling room to brush up on your Lightsaber skills, just in case". "Oh, and I'll be taking this back now".

She grabbed Leon by the hair, and he screamed as she dragged him back into her room.

"The dueling room, it is". Liquid said. "I think I saw it over by the door to the colony".

"But what about rest"? Chris asked.

"Fuck your rest"! "I can't have you getting butt-raped and decapitated by a Sith lord until after we get the starmap, so let's move"!

He led Chris back through the maze of hallways, until they reached the room where they had seen some students kicking the hell out of eachother. But now the room was empty.

"Welcome to the dueling room". A Sith instructor said. "We seem to be all out of prisoners and other students for the time being, so you'll just have to come back later". "But don't worry, the Republic is sending us new prisoners everyday".

"Can we still use the room"? Liquid asked.

"I don't care, I'm on lunch break right now".

The instructor left, leaving them alone in the room.

"Oh well". Chris said as he started to leave. "I guess it's off to bed".

"Where do you think you're going"? Liquid asked.

"You heard the instructor, there's no one here for me to fight".

"Not true at all, Chris". "It just so happens that I picked up a Lightsaber from that droid I beat in the tomb".

Chris just looked at him for a second, and then started laughing.

"Good one, Liquid". He said. "You really had me going there for a second".

"I'm not joking, Chris". Liquid said as he took the weapon off his belt.

"But you can't fight me with that". "I have been trained by both the Jedi and the Sith". "There is no way that you could ever stand up to my awesome powers".

Liquid activated the Lightsaber, and swung it around a few times.

"It's no different from a vibroblade". He said. "Now come at me, or I'm gonna kill you".

Chris started to sweat as he activated his own Lightsaber, but then he remembered that the force was on his side, and that sometimes there were alternatives to fighting.

"You don't want to fight me". Chris said with a wave of his hand.

"Oh yes I do". Liquid replied.

"You don't want to fight me".

"Damn it, Chris, mind tricks don't work on me, only credits do". "But since I spent all your credits on Taris, you better get ready to fight".

Now that there was no other choice, Chris figured that he could just disable Liquid, so he came at him with a slash. But Liquid simply moved out of the way, and kicked him in the side, making Chris eat the floor.

"Get up, Chris". Liquid said as he stepped back. "You need to be able to do this if you wanna get off this planet alive".

Chris jumped to his feet, and took a few more swings at Liquid, who easily deflected them before hitting Chris in the mouth with the hilt of his Lightsaber.

"Damn it, Chris". Liquid said as he hit the floor. "If you can't defend yourself against me, how the hell are you gonna beat the master of this academy"? "You know what's gonna happen"? "He's gonna kick your ass, and then he's gonna...

Liquid stopped talking, and then deactivated his Lightsaber.

"What's wrong"? Chris asked as he got up.

"Maybe we've been going about this the wrong way". Liquid explained as Chris deactivated his Lightsaber. "Ok, you may be hopless with a Lightsaber, but I got an idea that might just save your life".

He called Chris over to him, and then whsipered in his ear for a few seconds.

"What"? Chris asked. "That's crazy".

"Yes it is". Liquid replied. "And that's why no one, not even a Sith master would ever see it coming". "Not from you, anyway". "So come on, we gotta prepare for this, and then you get to face him".

Chris followed Liquid out of the dueling room, and a few minutes after that he was sweating bullets as he returned to the center chamber where Patrick Stewart and Yuthara were waiting.

"And there he is". Patrick said as he walked up to them. "Are you ready for your final test"?

"Y... yes". He replied.

"Good, then we go now".

Chris followed them as they left the academy, and walked back down the trail into the valley of the dark lords. Then they walked past the monuments, until they reached the tomb that had previously been unaccessable.

"And here it is". Patrick Stewart said. "The tomb of Naga Sadow, greatest of the ancient Sith lords". "He was so powerful that not only did he order a Big Mac at Burger King and get it, but he was also able to beat Mike Tyson's Punchout in less than twenty minutes with no rematches".

"Wow". Chris replied.

"It is also said that Naga Sadow didn't do push-up's, he did planet-away's". "But enough about that, because the time for your test has arrived".

With a wave of Patrick Stewart's hand, the large door slid open, and the three of them entered the tomb.


	30. Naga Sadow's Tomb

Chris was expecting something awesome, since this tomb was considered so much more important than all the others. However it looked exactly like the other tomb that he had been inside.

"Few are ever permitted to enter here". Patrick continued as the door closed behind them. "This is one of the most sacred places for the Sith, so bow your head". "I SAID BOW YOUR HEAD"!

Chris bowed, and was then smacked in the back of the head for it.

"Lower". Patrick ordered.

Chris bowed all the way, and he was kicked in the ass for it, making him get a mouthful of floor.

"That's better". He said. "Now get up, its time for me to debrief you".

He quickly jumped to his feet, and then screamed as Patrick Stewart grabbed the top of his underwear, and ripped it completely out.

"Alright, debriefing is complete". Patrick explained as he tossed the rags away. "Your objective is to navigate through all of the dangers of this place, until you reach the ancient starmap that was discovered here years ago by Darth Revan". "There is also a Sith Lightsaber there for you, and it is that Lightsaber that you must bring back to us as proof that you actually succeeded".

"What kind of dangers are in there"? Chris asked.

"Oh, all kinds of horrible shit that would love nothing better than to tear your limbs off before having their way with your helpless torso". "But if you are strong in the force and you completely embrace the dark side, there is a fifty percent chance of success... of course there's only a ten percent chance of that".

"Those are terrible odds"!

"NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS"!

Patrick Stewart suddenly roundhouse kicked him, making Chris spin around before falling against the wall.

"You can do this, Chris". Yuthara said. "Just trust in your instincts, and you probably won't die a horrible screaming death like the fifty students that came before you".

"Well...". Chris replied. "I guess if you were able to do it, then I should".

"Are you kidding, I never did this bullshit". "Hell, I never even had to do the training".

"What do you mean"?

"I'm a beautiful woman, duh". "That means that while clowns like you are busting your ass, all I have to do is give a good blowjob and I move right up the ladder".

"Its true". Patrick said. "And no one gives them better... now get moving".

Chris shrugged as he turned away from them, and started walking down the hallway. Soon he was alone, and instead of hearing the sounds of the nightmares that awaited him, there was only silence.

"Hello"? He called as he walked.

"Hello"? His echo replied.

"How are you"?

"How are you"?

"I asked you first".

"I asked you first".

"No you didn't"!

"No you didn't"!

"YES I DID"!

"YES I DID"!

Chris was starting to get angry at this unseen copycat. There had to be some way to win.

"I'm an idiot". He said.

"You're an idiot". The echo replied.

His face turned red with anger, and he gritted his teeth as he walked faster.

"Fine". He whispered. "I'll just talk real quiet so that the sound can't bounce off the wall, and you will just have to sit there and take it like the little echoing bitch that you are".

"You're an idiot". The echo replied.

Chris screamed his rage as he began jumping up and down, but then he mellowed as he saw a door up in the distance. So he ran toward it, but stopped dead in his tracks as a lull length mirror shot up from the ground to block his path.

"Welcome, fallen one". A voice inside it said. "I am the mirror of distant past, here to show you memories that are better off forgotten". "For only by conquering your inner demons can you advance to the next room".

"Uh... ok". Chris replied.

"Look into me, and remember...

(FLASHBACK)

The bell began to ring at Saint Peter Paul and Mary's orphanage, meaning that it was dinner time for Chris and all of the other orphans who were just getting seated at the many tables.

"Hello, Chris". Father Ignatio said as he sat down next to him. "You're in luck because today I made you something extra scrumptious".

Chris looked down and gasped as he saw the deat cat on his plate.

"What the hell is this"? He asked. "I can't eat that"!

In response to this Father Ignatio slammed his fist down on the table before getting up and throwing off his robe, revealing that he was wearing blue and red stretchy pants.

""! He screamed as he produced a bag of chips. "Cheese doritoes... taste good".

He then opened the bag and crammed all the chips into his mouth, before punching himself in the stomach, making all of it fly all over Chris.

"I'm tired of this crap"! Chris yelled as he wiped himself off. "I am going to be a Lucho Libre Wrestler someday, and then you're all gonna be sorry"!

"Fillipo". Father Ignatio called to a little kid. "Chris is an ungrateful prick, so come here and teach him a lesson".

The kid suddenly leaped on Chris and bashed his head on the table a few times before pulling him away from the table, and tossing him out the window.

(FLASHFORWARD)

The mirror returned to normal, and then it sank back into the floor as the door opened. So Chris walked through, and jumped as a man with blonde hair leaped into his path.

"I AM BEOWULF"! He screamed.

"Why are you naked"? Chris asked.

"Because that's how real warriors fight". "No armor and no weapons, so strip down and let's do this... then maybe we can go get brunch or something".

"I'm not gonna be naked with you". "Get away from me".

He started to walk around him, but then Beowulf did a war cry as he leapt onto Chris's back.

"I AM BEOWULF"! He screamed.

"That's disgusting, get off me"! Chris yelled as he tried to get away.

"We fight to the death"! "And then I know this nice little coffee shop where we can have a few laughs".

This struggle continued as Beowulf pulled Chris's hair and kicked him in the sides like he was a horse. But then a horrible roar filled the room, and Beowulf jumped down.

"It's Grendel"! He yelled as he took off. "Run for your life"!

He ran out the door that Chris came in, and Chris tried to follow, but the door shut before he could. So he pounded on it like a mad man, stopping only when he felt a large finger tap him on the shoulder. Then he slowly turned around and turned completely white as the monster roared in his face.

"Hey, I know you". It said. "I met you in the cave, right"?

"Nemesis"? Chris asked as his color started to come back.

"Thanks for helping me out with those dicks who cut me". "In fact I feel like I owe you one, so I'm not gonna kill you".

"Really"?

"Sure, in fact I'm retiring soon, and moving to another planet". "But I still got one more paycheck to collect before I can leave, so I'm afraid that I gotta kick your ass a bit... just to keep up appearances". "You understand".

Suddenly he backhanded Chris, making him see stars as he hit the floor. Then he kicked him so hard that he flew across the room and crashed right through the next door.

"Oh... no". Nemesis said as if reading cue cards. "He... has... made... it... to... the... next... room... where... I... can't... follow".

The monster walked away, vanishing into the shadows as Chris pulled himself to in feet in order to check out the next room. This place was much warmer than the rest of the tomb, caused by the large glowing green river that ran between him and yet another door.

But there was no way across.

Suddenly a bunch of two foot tall creatures began coming out of a crack in the wall, and before he knew it, Chris found himself completely surrounded by them.

"Hi there". The closest one said. "We're the Lemmings, and we've come to give you a hand". "All you gotta do is pass a simple quiz and we will use our indestructable bodies to make a bridge for you". "But if you fail, know that we all get to take turns sodimising you for the next few hours before throwing your sorry ass into the acid". "Are you ready"?

Chris was really getting tired of tests, and challenges. It seemed that everyone on this planet just wanted to abuse him or kill him or something, and now it was making him really mad.

"FUCK YOUR QUIZ"! He screamed. "I'm tired of these stupid ass little games that you people seem to get off on, and I'm really ficking tired, SO MAKE THE DAMN BRIDGE"!

The Lemmings looked at eachother for a second.

"Yep". The same one continued. "He's a Sith, alright". "Make the bridge".

"You're just gonna do it"? Chris asked.

"Yeah, you passed the test, didn't you"? "No Sith would put up with nonsense like that, but if you had played along like some kind of a bullshit ass Jedi, you would be getting butt-slammed right now".

Soon the bridge was complete, and Chris almost lost his balance three times as he walked across. Then the next door opened, and there was the starmap. It activated and Chris recorded the data on his convienient datapad, and then it shut down as Chris picked up a Lightsaber that was sitting on a nearby statue.

Once he had everything, Chris turned around and jumped as he saw Patrick Stewart and Yuthara standing there.

"Excellent job, Chris". Patrick said. "The force has served you well". "Only a truly badass Sith could have fought his way past the four challenges, and here you are with the Lightsaber in hand". "Sure I lost a bunch of credits because I bet that you wouldn't even get past Beowulf, but that's life I guess".

"I knew you could do it". Yuthara replied. "I can't believe I doubted all those outragous claims that your slave was making about you".

"Well, believe it, bitch". Chris said. "Because I am Chris Redfield, the almighty and terrible conqurer of men, monsters, and women with low self esteem".

"Right, sure, good". Patrick interupted. "But now comes the final part of your final test". "You see, all life must fight to survive, and we Sith are a prime example of that". "So now you must kill a fellow Sith, and then have sex with their corpse in order to graduate".

Chris just stood there for a second.

"With their corpse"? He asked. "That's disgusting".

"Oh, necrophilla isn't that bad". Patrick replied. "The girl in Twilight had sex with a dead guy". "Hell, she did necrophilla AND beastiality". "But instead of facing another student, you will face Yuthara". "Ready, go".

Yuthara activated her Lightsaber and took a swing at Patrick, but he stepped to the side and used the force to grab the Sith Lightsaber from Chris.

"What are you doing"? He asked as he activated it.

"I knew this was coming". Yuthara replied. "So me and Chris here are gonna kill you". "Isn't that right, Chris"?

"Uh... sorry Yuthara". Chris said. "But I... um, uh".

Chris quickly reached into his pocket and pulled out the piece of paper that Liquid had given him.

"Sorry, Yuthara". He read from the paper. "But I cannot, um, go along with your plane, er, your plan". "You are both a couple of jackoffs, and I will say, er, I will slay you both". "However I wish to fit, er, I wish to fight the stronger of you first".

That was the end of the paper, and Patrick and Yuthara just stood there as he dropped it. Chris was now sweating worse than before. Liquid had assured him that this would work, and now all he could do was wait.

"I get it". Patrick said. "You want to fight the stronger of us first while you still have all your energy, huh"? "Then you think that you can beat a weakling like Yuthara with whatever you have left, right"?

"Dream on, Stewart". Yuthara replied. "Its me that he wants to fight first". "So why don't you just go over there and practice falling down for after I'm done with Chris"?

Patrick suddenly swung his blade at her, and they began to fight just like Liquid had said they would. Now all he had to do was unleash the last surprise and he would be free to go. So he reached behind his back, and took out the blaster pistol that he had been given.

(FLASHBACK)

"And then you just shoot them in the back". Liquid explained as he gave him the blaster. "Its easy, I do it all the time". "Just make sure they don't see it until its too late".

(FLASHFORWARD)

Chris felt kinda bad as he aimed the blaster at them. Shooting someone in the back went against everything he believed in, but he also knew that he was dead once one of them was defeated. So he went to squeeze the trigger, but his thumb hit a button on the side, and the blaster started to make a funny noise.

It started out as a low sound that kept going up in pitch until it sounded like the morse code button on an old walkie-talkie. Then it started to spark, and Chris tossed it away. It landed at Patrick and Yuthara's feet just before it exploded, knocking Chris off his feet, and sending the two Sith into the acid river.

It was over.

Chris had won.

He just sat there in disbelief for a moment, and then jumped up to do his hero pose.

"YES"! He yelled. "Ha, you thought that by combining your forces you would be strong enough to defeat me, but little did you know that I am Chris Redfield, the awesome dude who has mastered the teachings of both the Jedi and the Sith". "And now that I have the starmap's data I can leave this planet, while you two losers get to spend all of eternity at the bottom of that river".

He then started doing some kung fu moves, but ended up ruining the moment by hitting himself in the face. Then he walked back across the Lemming bridge, and back through the other rooms until he reached the exit.


	31. Leaving Korriban

At first he began running across the valley of dark lords, but then he stopped.

"Why am I running"? He asked as he walked. "Sith kill eachother all the time, and since I killed Patrick Stewart and Yuthara... holy crap, that means that I'm the new master of the Sith academy"!

There was a spring in his step, and he was all smiles as he made his way across the valley, and up the trail to the academy. He was on top of the world, the best of the best, the great and powerful Jedi known only as Chris. And from now on people were gonna start treating him with the respect that he deserved.

Suddenly a big clump of dirt and rocks hit him in the face, making him gasp as he fell on his ass. And after wiping his eyes off, he saw that three Sith students were waiting for him in front of the academy door.

"Hey". Their leader said as Chris got up. "You're the one who went for the final test, right"?

"Uh... yeah". He replied. "What of it"?

"Where's Master Patrick"? "How are you returning alone from the tomb"?

Chris started to panic, but then calmed down as he remembered the rules of the Sith.

"I killed him"! He yelled. "I shanked him in the face with my Lightsaber, and then I spent the next twenty minutes sodomising that bitch Yuthara before I killed her, too"! "So you little hoe-bags better bow down to your new master, because I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast"!

"Oh, my God". Their leader replied. "You eat shit for breakfast"?

"Um... no, that's not what I meant". "What I meant is that if you cretins don't bow down and prostrate yourselves before me, the new master of this academy, I will rip out your tongue and lick your ass with it". "So how does that sound, home slice"?

"Now you wanna lick my ass"? "Dude, that's gross". "Hey guys, the shit eater here wants to lick my ass, so let's throw mouse traps at him".

Chris started to say something else, but was interupted as the first mouse trap snapped him on the leg.

"Crap"! He yelled as they threw more. "Where did you even get those"?

He screamed and ran around in circles as he was snapped by more and more mouse traps, all the while the Sith students laughed harder and harder. Soon he was completely covered with them, but then the students stopped after he had fallen to the ground.

"Ok, that's enough". Their leader said. "This guy couldn't have killed the master". "Hell, he probably failed the test before it even started, so let's get back to class before they come back".

The students had another laugh at Chris's expense before they vanished back into the academy. Then Chris began the painfull process of removing the mouse traps. This took a good ten minutes, but eventually he got back on his feet, and was able to enter the academy where Liquid and Leon were waiting.

"Holy crap, he's alive"! Liquid exclaimed. "I mean, of course he's alive... because my plan was, um... foolproof, and in no way a suicide mission".

"I knew you could do it, Chris". Leon said. "Did they really both die"? "Is Yuthara really gone"?

"Oh yeah, she is". Chris began. "You see, I killed Patrick Stewart because I'm the king of the ring, and then I got to her and I was like: ok bitch, this is for abusing my friend". "And she was like: no please, you great and perfect warrior, just let me have Leon and you can go". "And I was like: sorry babe, but its bros before hoes up in here". "And she was like: but if you

He was interupted as Liquid grabbed his nose and twisted, making him scream.

"Chris, where is my blaster"? He asked.

"Funny story about that". Chris gasped. "I was fighting for my life and Yuthara... um, sliced it out of my hand". "There was nothing I could do but fight her off with my bare hands, and then I was like: that was Liquid's blaster, and you're gonna pay". "And she was like: oh yeah, and how are you gonna

He was interupted as Liquid began kicking him in the ass while squeezing his nose harder.

"Out demons, out"! Liquid commanded as he kept kicking. "The power of Christ compels you to release the mind of this poor ignorant bastard so that he will be able to speak something other than pure nonsense"! "NOW, BE HEALED"!

He kicked Chris in the ass one more time, before pushing him away.

"Now where is my blaster"? Liquid asked again.

"It exploded". Chris whimpered as he got up. "It made a funny noise, and then I tossed it away, and the blast killed Patrick Stewart".

"Oh, you overloaded the pulse chamber". "Good thinking, Chris".

"So you're not mad"?

"No, I got another one on the ship, I just don't like being lied to". "Oh yeah, did you find the starmap"?

"Yeah I did". "The data in on my datapad".

"Cool, now let's get outa here".

The three of them made their way through the academy, and back across the canyon toward the colony. It was a relief to be in the airconditioned structure after spending so long in the heat, but now it was time to leave this planet.

"I can't wait to get away from here". Leon said as they walked down the hall. "I didn't mind being the love slave of a beautiful twilek, but I'm more of the lone wolf type". "I mean, it just wouldn't be fair if I denied the women of the rest of the galaxy the pleasure of my perfect ass".

"Jedi don't get to do things like that". Chris replied as they reached the landing pad door. "But breaking all those hearts is just something I have to do for the good of the galaxy".

"You fucking fairies". Liquid said as he opened the door. "I can only hope that neither one of you ever get to reproduce".

They walked across the landing pad as the ramp of the Ebon Hawk came down, and they were about to enter, when Barry leaped out at them, making them all fall on their asses. He was growling and snarling, with all kinds of foam comming out of his mouth, and if not for the thick chain holding him back, who knows what would have happened to them.

"Oh, hi Craig". Barry said as he calmed down. "Welcome back".

"Uh... thanks". Chris replied. "Can, um... we come aboard"?

"Oh yeah, sure".

They got up, and cautiously walked past Barry as they entered the ship. Then the ramp closed, and Barry curled up next to it for a nap as they entered the center room.

"Well it's about time". Jill said as she, Ada, and Ashley walked up to them. "Did you get it"?

Chris handed her the datapad, and she passed it to Ashley, who began downloading it into the computer.

"Ok, boys". Jill continued. "We have to talk". "Now, I know that you guys like to spend your time goofing around from planet to planet, but that's no reason to neglect your responsibilities at home, so we've come up with a list of chores for everyone in order to make life on this ship more bareable".

"Oh, blow it out your ass". Liquid said as he walked past them. "I swear, you give them an inch and they take a damn mile, come on, T3".

The droid dispenced another beer for him as they headed for the cockpit, and Jill turned back to Chris and Leon.

"Now, as I was saying". She continued. "I have come up with a load of chores for each person onboard, based on how much they contribute to the mission as well as how much I like them".

"Oh, blow it out your ass". Leon replied as he started forward.

However a solid right fist to the jaw made him back up.

"How come you didn't hit Liquid"? Leon asked as he rubbed his mouth.

"Because he hits back". Jill replied. "Now as I was saying: since I am the leader of this voyage and am constantly up to my neck in management duties, there is no time for me to do extra chores". "And since Ada is my very personal assistant, she is too busy helping me to be burdened with chores either". "Barry is on twenty-four hour guard duty, and our safety is too important to have him distracted by things like housework, and Ashley is too young and delicate... so that leaves you two to divide the work amongst yourselves".

"That's bullshit"! Chris yelled. "What about T3M4"?

"Well, one of his main functions is a vending machine, and since we don't have a cook, that falls on him".

"I was a cook"! Leon yelled.

"Really"? Ada asked.

"Yeah, I was, I mean, I volenteered to be a cook since the Mandalorians took such heavy losses in the war and had no one left to prepare the meals". "You see, my kill count was so high that I was making everyone else look bad, and so it was either a cook or a janitor".

"You're hired". Jill said. "So I guess things like cleaning and laundry fall on Chris". "So you better get started because Barry's undershorts are starting to take on a life of their own".

Chris hung his head as he started toward the laundry room, and then Jill headed streight for the cockpit where Liquid was preparing for takeoff.

"Out". She ordered.

"Beep-boop". The droid replied as it rolled back down the hall.

Liquid snickered as this remark, but this was stopped as Jill spun his chair around and smacked the beer out of his hand.

"What the fuck"? He asked.

"Ok, listen up". She said. "You don't like me, and I would love to be the one who throws the switch at your execution, but for the sake of the galaxy we need to atleast make an effort to work together".

"Why"? "We already found one of your starmaps and everyone's still alive, so what's the problem"?

"The problem, you assclown, is that in order to succeed we need a clear chain of command with a leader who everyone supports".

"And that's you, right"? "Don't make me laugh". "A good leader would be out there working right along side their underlings, not hiding in here so that they can make out with their lesbien lover all the time".

"Ok first off, me and Ada are just good friends".

"That's not what the camera in your showerhead tells me".

Jill had to turn around and bite her hand in order to muffle her scream of rage and resist the urge to cut him in half right there. But after a minute or so she calmed down and turned back toward him.

"Ok, fine". She said. "On the next planet, Ada and I will help search for the starmap in order to inspire and guide those beneath us". "Will you support me now, you little bastard"?

"Sure". Liquid replied. "On one condition".

"This outa be good, what is it"?

"You can dictate where we go to, and how your little mission gets accomplished... but this ship belongs to me, deal"?

"I... guess". "Fine, the Ebon Hawk itself is your's... as part of your deal with the Jedi council to help with this mission". "Now get us off this rock so we can find the next starmap".

"And we are going where"?

Jill had to think for a second. There were three planets to choose from, but she had never been to any of them.

"What do you think"? She asked.

"Well". Liquid replied. "I gotta deliver a box on Tattooine".

"Then Tattooine it is". "Make it so".

Liquid did a mock salute as he spun the chair back around, and Jill sat in the other seat as he fired up the engines. A few seconds later the Ebon Hawk left Korriban behind as it cleared the atmosphere, and made the jump into hyperspace.


	32. Now Arriving At Tattooine

Admiral Karath was even more nervous than usual as he entered the bridge of the Sith warship. It was hard enough to talk to Darth Wesker as it is, but it was a whole other deal when there's bad news to be told.

"Ah, come closer, Admiral". Wesker said.

"Lord Wesker, I have news". He replied. "It's about

Wesker suddenly shushed him.

"Today has been good so far, Karath". He began. "I had a good night's rest, a good breakfast, and good BM... so please tell me that your news is good".

"Well, quite frankly". Karath replied. "It's bad".

"I KNEW IT"!

He suddenly backhanded Admiral Karath, putting him on his ass.

"Hey, I got it". Wesker said as Karath got up. "Maybe if you found a way to tell me the bad news in a good way, it might make it not seem so bad".

"Uh... ok". Admiral Karath replied. "You want the, um, bad news in a, uh, good way". "I got it, um... ha, ha, the funniest thing happened on Korriban the other day". "You won't believe this, this is just the most hilarious thing". "You see, not only did, um...

Suddenly Admiral Karath burst into tears as he fell to his knees.

"Please don't kill me, Lord Wesker"! He sobbed. "Dog the bounty hunter didn't capture Jill because he got his ass kicked before they killed him"! "And the academy is ruined because Patrick Stewart was blown to bits and then all the students killed eachother during the power struggle that followed"! "I beg for mercy, please don't kill me"!

"Oh my god". Wesker replied. "If that's your good way of giving me news, don't ever give it to me streight". "And quit your blubbering, I'm not gonna kill you yet".

"You're not"?

"Oh, don't get me wrong, the penalty for failure is death". "But Dog was the one who failed, so you can get up... unless you plan on sucking me off like the little flamer that you are".

Admiral Karath quickly got to his feet.

"Shall I hire another bounty hunter"? He asked.

"Don't be a dumbshit". Wesker replied. "No mere bounty hunter can stand up to a Jedi, so it is time to resort to more drastic measures".

"Like what, Lord Wesker"?

"There can be no more mistakes... therefore my apprentice, Darth Nikoli, shall take care of this little problem for us".

Suddenly the bridge door opened, and Nikoli barged in like he was king shit. He then used the force to throw a Sith soldier into a control panel, and the resulting explosion killed the three people around it.

"Lord Wesker". He said as he approached. "I am here at your

He was interupted as Wesker punched him in the mouth, making him stumble back before falling over.

"What the fuck are you doing"? Wesker asked. "What demon would posess you to think that its ok to come on my bridge and start breaking shit, huh"? "Is that what they teach you kids in school these days"? "Why would you even do that"?

"Because, master". Nikoli replied. "I had to show the people reading this story that I am a badguy who gets his jollies from terror and violence".

"Oh, ok". "So because you are insecure about your image, my ship has to go without the communication system, huh"? "Well, this is coming right out of your allowence, you stupid son of a bitch".

"But that's not fair"! "Can't you just call the technicians up here to fix it"?

"I certainly could... if not for the fact that my last three technicians were already up here doing weekly system's checks on it, YOU DUMB FUCK"!

Wesker then started kicking Nikoli, cooling down about five minutes later.

"Ok, lesson learned". He said. "Now find Jill, kill her friends, and bring her sexy ass to me... alive".

"You got it". Nikoli quickly said as he got up.

He then left the bridge, and Wesker resumed looking out into space.

Through the misty haze a starmap could be seen opening inside of a cave or a cavern while a hot wind blew sand all around outside. Then there was a roaring sound as everything faded into black.

As the Ebon Hawk continued plowing its way through hyperspace, Chris continued plowing his way through everyone's laundry. Everyone else was asleep, except for random bathroom runs thanks to the Chille-mac that Leon had made for dinner, leaving him alone.

His dream about yet another starmap had left him feeling uneasy, but now the feeling was starting to pass, and since this was the last load of laundry, he would finally be able to sleep once he put it into the cargo hold. So he carried the basket into the room, and was about to start folding, when his eyes fell on a large triangular container of some kind.

It was a silvery color and made out of a metal that Chris had never seen before. It stood about three feet high, and seemed like more of a pillar than a box. And there was also a tag on it that read:

NEVER OPEN THE BOX

IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR YOU TO JUST KILL YOURSELF

Everything in Chris's brain told him to just walk away from it, especially since not even Liquid had tried to see what was inside.

Or maybe he had.

Maybe everyone else already knew what was inside, and they just wanted to get a good laugh because he was the only one who believed the stupid warning label. There was probably something awesome in the box, and the time for Chris to be left out of the loop was over.

Without thinking or planning anything, Chris walked over to the box and opened the lid. Then he gasped as a glowing white hand reached out and grabbed his wrist. Loud keyboard music began to play as he was pulled into the box, and suddenly Chris was falling through a black and white world that seemed to have been hand drawn.

"We're walking away". A voice sang. "I don't know what I'm to say... I'll say it anyway".

"Where am I"? Chris asked as he kept falling. "What's going on"?

"Today's another day... to find you shying away". "I'll be coming for your love... ok"? "Take on me... take me on". "I'll be gone... in a day or twooooooooooooooooooooooooo"!

Suddenly the music stopped as Chris hit the floor in the Ebon Hawk's cargo hold. Then the box closed itself just as Leon came into the room.

"Chris"? He asked. "Where have you been"?

"I don't know"! Chris yelled. "But it was weird"!

"Well come on, everyone's in the center chamber". "We just landed on Tattooine, and we need to plan our next move".

He left the cargo hold, and Chris followed him after taking one more look at the box.

"Glad you could make it, sleeping beauty". Liquid said as they reached the room. "T3, give him some coffee".

The droid rolled over to Chris, and sprayed a stream of boiling hot coffee right into his nuts, making him scream as he fell over.

"Good to the last drop, huh"? Liquid continued. "I just hope that all of your extra sleep gave you another dream about a starmap".

"It did". Chris gasped as he got up. "It was in a cave or something... out in the open desert".

"Well, that narrows it down". "I'm certainly glad to have you around to find stuff like that".

Without another word Liquid left the center chamber, returning a few seconds later with the box strapped to a dolly.

"Well, you guys have fun". He said as he pushed it toward the ramp.

"Where are you going"? Jill asked.

"I gotta deliver this box, and besides I need a break from all the stupidity around here". "But don't worry, I'll be back by the time you find the starmap". "Come on, T3".

He hit the release button, and the ramp lowered.

"Beep-boop-bep-dwoop-dweep". The droid replied as it followed him down the ramp.

"I agree". Liquid replied as they vanished from sight. "It would be much hotter if Jill and Ada were sisters, but the imagination knows no bounds, my friend".

The ramp closed a few seconds later, and Jill turned back toward everyone.

"Ok, everyone". She said. "The only person here who has ever been to this planet before... has just left with our utility droid". "However we do know that we have landed at Anchorhead colony, which is the largest on Tattooine". "It shouldn't be too hard to figure out what's what around here after we ask a few questions, so let's go".

"Let's who go"? Chris asked.

"You always go, Chris". "Not only because you are the main character of this story, but also because everyone else actually has a use around here". "But never fear because Ada and I will be joining you this time".

"Really"? Everyone asked.

"Yes, really". "It has come to my attention that certain people on this ship believe me to be a prissy little bitch who does nothing but bark orders". "Therefore instead of just bashing their heads in... I plan to prove them wrong by supervising the locating of the starmap personally". "So let's go, Chris".

He hung his head as he followed Jill and Ada to the ramp. Then he pushed the release button and they were almost knocked off their feet by the sudden gust of sand-filled wind.

"Holy crap"! Chris yelled as he covered his eyes.

"Quit stalling"! Ada yelled over the wind. "Get out there"!

She booted him in the ass, making him stumble down the ramp before getting a mouthful of loose sand as he hit the ground. He tried to spit out, but more came to replace it, and he could see absolutely nothing as he tried to look around. But then someone grabbed him and pulled him to his feet.

"It's about time". The man yelled over the wind. "The Tribbles are being loaded onto your ship as we speak, and now I just need your thumbprint on this, um... I lost my pad... fuck it, they're yours now".

"Wait"! Chris yelled as the man ran away laughing. "Who are you"? "What's a Tribble"?

The man vanished, and try as he might, Chris could only see a few fain outlines of walls in the sandstorm.

"Hello"? He called. "Is anyone out there"?

Suddenly two more people grabbed him, making him scream like a girl before he realized that it was Ada and Jill.

"There you are". Jill said. "You can't keep running off like that, Chris".

"Running off"? He asked. "You booted me out the door".

"What did I say about excuses"? Ada asked as she punched him in the stomach. "Now that we found your dumb ass, maybe we can get outa this storm".

They dragged Chris through the winds until they came to a large door. And when it opened the storm quickly subsided, revealing that they were now entering a small desert city.

"Ok, Chris". Jill said. "Ada and I are going to get some sand goggles since Liquid took the ship's only pair". "Now I want you to stay right here and don't move". "Got it"?

They vanished into one of the nearby stores, and Chris was alone for a minute before a young woman came up to him, carrying a large bone plate of some kind.

"Excuse me". She politely said as she approached. "My husband got this wraid plate out in the desert before he was killed, but I can't sell it in the hunting lodge without a license". "Do you think you could buy it from me for the bargain price of a hundred credits so that me and my kids can get off this rock"?

"I'd love to help". Chris replied. "But you see, I'm a little strapped for credits right now".

"Oh, but wraid plates have a hundred uses, and not just as trophies". "Why, big ones like this are perfect for doing things like this".

She suddenly bashed him over the head with it, making him collapse like a bunch of broccoli. Then she tossed the plate away, and started digging through his pockets. A few seconds later she pocketed the few credits that he had, before kicking him and running away.

"Damn women". He groaned as he tried to get up. "Oh, can this day get any worse"?

Suddenly he was lifted to his feet, and shoved up against the wall by three masked men who looked alot like Sith.

"Well, what do we have here"? Their leader asked. "Lord Wesker was really pissed off when he learned that you had escaped Taris alive". "And he promised a great reward for whoever puts your ass on ice".

Chris then screamed as they dragged him away.


	33. Anchorhead Colony

"Dwoop-beep-boop-dwooooo". T3M4 said as it followed Liquid into the swoop registration building.

"I warned you about the sand". Liquid replied as the door shut behind them. "You should have listened".

"Bwoop-dooo-beep".

"Is that even a real word"? "Or are you just making things up because you think I don't know any big words"?

"Dwoop-bop-beep".

"No, you kiss MY ass". "You know what... I'll deal with you later because right now I got a box to deliver".

As his eyes adjusted, Liquid saw that there were several people hanging around the race master's booth, and at the end of the room sat Motta the Hutt. So he wheeled the dolly over to him, and released the box.

"Hi, Motta". He said. "Did you miss me"?

"Liquid"? Motta asked. "I thought you were back in prison... what are you doing here"?

"Oh, I got this box from a guy on Korriban".

Motta's gaze shifted to the box, and then his eyes lit up as he began laughing.

"At last"! He exclaimed. "My A-ha greatest hits collection"! "I got a sweet deal on e-bay for this, but as you can see, it took forever to get here".

"A-ha"? Liquid asked. "Damn, someone's trapped in the eighties".

"No shit, why do you think I had them put the warning label on it"? "If anyone found out that a crooked bastard like me listened to things like that... I'm not sure what they would do to me".

"Yes, that's horrible, now pay up".

Motta just looked at him for a second, and then started laughing.

"Oh, Liquid". He said. "Does it always have to be about credits"?

"Uh... yeah". Liquid replied as he drew his blaster. "What else is there"? "Now you can either pay what you owe, or I'm gonna splatter your brains all over this room".

The whole room got quiet, and some of the guards moved forward, but a bunch of T3M4's panels opened, revealing a dozen blasters.

"I'll tell you what, Liquid". Motta said. "How would you like to double your credits"?

"I'm listening". Liquid replied.

"I still got your old swoop bike in the garage, you know". "The season opener is today, and if you race for me and win, I'll give you double what you would have got for the box". "Deal"?

Liquid thought for a second, and then he holstered his blaster.

"Deal". He replied. "Now show me to my swoop".

Chris spit out more dirt as he slid to a stop, but before he knew it the three masked Sith grabbed him and lifted him up by his arms and legs.

"One". They said as they swung him.

"Come on, guys". Chris pleaded. "This isn't nessessary".

"Two... three"!

They let go once three was said, and Chris crashed to the ground even further away than last time.

"Ten feet"! The leader yelled as the others cheered. "Its a new Sith record for bitch tossing, so let's celebrate by kicking his ass"!

Chris had just started to get up, when they pushed him back down, and began kicking him. However this caused a decent size cloud of dust after awhile, and once it blew away, they realized that Chris was gone.

"Where'd he go"? The leader demanded.

"There he is"! The second Sith yelled. "Let's fuck his world up"!

Chris dove out from behind a bunch of trash cans and took off running across the colony as they chased him.

"Come back here"! The leader yelled. "He's too fast, throw rocks at him"!

Chris had to cover his head as rocks began to land around him. He was now starting to get out of breath, and it looked like the Sith would get him, but then another sand storm began to blow across the colony.

"Curses"! The Sith leader yelled as Chris vanished into the sand.

"Curses"? The third one asked.

"Shut up and find him"!

Now completely blinded by the blowing sand, Chris just kept running until he slammed into a door, knocking him on his ass.

"He couldn't have gone far"! One of the Sith yelled. "Come out you little fuck-ass, or I swear I'll shove my Lightsaber blade so far up your ass that it comes out your mouth"!

Chris wasted no time in getting up, and trying the door. Thankfully it was unlocked, and he was able to take shelter inside as he closed and locked the door behind him. Then he relaxed as his eyes adjusted to the darker setting, and his eyes widened at what he saw.

Bodies.

There had to be atleast six bodies, some human, some not. Some had been shot, while others seemed to have had their arms or legs ripped off. And there was even one that had a broom shoved halfway up his ass.

"Ok, time to go". He whispered to himself.

He turned to go back outside, but then screamed as he came face to face with the most terrifying droid ever built. It stood over six feet tall, with rust-red colored armor, and glowing yellow eyes.

"Greeting: Hello, meatbag". It said. "Qualification: I am an HK-47 series protocol droid".

Suddenly it grabbed him by the shirt and lifted him off his feet with one hand, while pointing a blaster rifle at his nuts with the other.

"Advisement: Be cool". HK-47 said. "Addendum: And I might not have to blast your balls out through your ass".

"What do you want from me"? Chris asked.

Before the droid could answer,a red Lightsaber blade sliced through the lock. A second later the door opened and the three Sith burst into the room. But before they could take a step, HK-47 aimed the blaster rifle over its shoulder, and shot all three of them in the face.

"Statement: I hate being interupted". The droid continued as he aimed the rifle back at Chris. "Explenation: I have recently terminated the contract between myself and my previous owner". "Clarification: And by terminated, I mean that I brutally slaughtered him and his whole family".

"Oh... well". Chris replied. "You're probably better off on your own".

"Answer: This is not the case". "Qualification: I am completely self-sufficient, however I lack resources". "Query: Are you in the posession of a ship with qualified pilot"?

"Actually, yes I am".

"Statement: This is good news for both of us". "Query: How would you like to be the proud owner of an HK-47"? "Qualification: This unit is programed with a linguistic database of over six thousand different languages, as well as the ability to kill almost anything that moves". "Proposal: This unit shall serve you well in exchange for transportation and resources". "Addendum: And if you agree to my terms I won't have to pop your head like a grape".

"Oh... great". "I mean... um, I've always wanted an HK... whatever you are".

"Condecending reply: I'm so glad you feel that way... master". "Query: What is your business on this planet"?

"Business"? "Oh, the starmap".

Chris told the whole story to the droid, and once he was finished, HK-47 tossed him out the door.

"Confident statement: Then let's go, master". It said as it followed him out. "Addendum: The sooner we find this thing, the sooner we can leave this miserable rock".

The sandstorm finished dying down as they started across the colony, and this allowed Chris to see the fist-size rock just before it struck him in the forehead. He made a wheezing sound as he fell over, and HK-47 laughed at his misfortune.

"There you are"! Jill yelled as she and Ada walked up to them. "All you had to do was stay put for five minutes, but no, we turn our back on you for a second and you go off playing in the dirt with this... what the hell is this thing"?

"Greeting: I am HK-47". The droid replied. "Proud statement: I have recently been purchased by this meatbag, using all the credits that you foolishly allowed him to hold on to".

"Oh really"? Ada asked. "So you thought you'd go on a little shopping spree, huh"?

"No"! Chris yelled. "That is not what happened"! "I got hit in the head by a woman who took my money, and then the Sith started kicking my ass"!

"Statement: There is no need to lie, master". HK-47 said. "Just stand up to these hoes like you were saying earlier".

"And just what was he saying earlier"? Jill asked.

"Recitation: I don't care what thoes hoes think". The droid said in Chris's voice. "I keeps my pimp-hand strong, and that's why those bitches are on their knees for me every night". "So they better just keep their weaker-sex asses in the kitchen before I have to choke a bitch, because they see me rollin... they hate'in".

"That's a lie"! Chris yelled. "I never said

He was interupted as Ada kicked him in the face.

"You make me sick, Chris". She said. "Not only do you talk mad shit behind our backs, but then you are so much of a coward that you blame this poor defencless protocol droid for repeating what you said".

"Query: Have you no heart, master"? The droid asked.

"Now you listen to me, Chris". Jill said. "You had better clean up your act, because I'd kick your ass right now if we weren't so pressed for time". "Now get off your ass, and come with us". "We were able to get some directions to some caves, and now we need to go see Czerka corporation about a hunting license so we can leave the city".

They turned away and started walking, but then HK-47 slapped them both on the ass.

"Query: How could you do that, master"? The droid asked as they turned around. "Statement: These beautiful meat, er, ladies deserve to be treated with respect". "Addendum: They are not just objects for you to satisfy your sexual urges".

"The droid did it"! Chris yelled as he got up.

"Yeah right, Chris". Jill replied. "Droids can't lie, remember"? "I can't believe that you would stoop so low as to blame a machine for your faults, when he has done nothing but be good and honorable since we met".

"Are you kidding"? "He killed three people right in front of me, and six more before that"!

"God, Chris, shut up"! Ada yelled. "If you are gonna be a devious little pervert, you could atleast be honest about it like Liquid does". "Even he doesn't blame his droid for everything". "Come on, HK, you can walk up here with us".

"Sob story: He was so mean". HK-47 said as he walked with Jill and Ada. "First he said my armor looked rusty, and then he said I have beady little eyes".

"There, there, HK". Jill said. "We won't let him be mean to you anymore". "MOVE YOUR ASS, CHRIS"! "You're in enough trouble as it is, without making us have to wait on your slow ass"!

Chris stood there for a second in disbelief, before just hanging his head as he followed them.


	34. License To Leave

After making a quick check that his swoop bike was still in working order, Liquid gave the ok for it to be taken to the track, before he returned to the lobby.

"Attention all racers". Motta said. "Gather round, and pay the fuck attention".

Liquid and six others came forward for the usual pre-race talk, but then he accidently bumped into a Quarren who seemed to already be angry about something.

"Sorry". Liquid said.

"Sorry, nothin". The Quarren replied as he pulled a knife. "You better get the hell outa here before I get really mad, because this knife here has a titanium blade... that means it can cut diamonds".

"Is that so"? "Good thing I'm not wearing any diamonds".

"Smart ass little human"! "I'll teach you some respect for Bilbo the Quarren racer"!

He slashed at him, but Liquid jumped back before grabbing his arm. Then he twisted it back, and moved forward, jamming the blade into the Quarren's chest.

"Hmmm". Motta said as the body hit the floor. "It seems that Bilbo has been disqualified for lack of being alive, now everyone else pay attention". "Due to requests from the public, the track this year is going to be even more dangerous and stupid than before".

"What do you mean"? Liquid asked.

"In the past we have had two racers compete against eachother at a time, but now all six of you will go, kind of like those new pod-race things they have on Nar Shadda". "Now we all know that pod-racing is a joke that will never catch on, but as a business man I need to constantly find new ways to make swoop racing appeal to a younger crowd that is already desensitised to violence thanks to movies and rap music".

Motta snapped his fingers, and a worker brought him a datapad.

"In addition to the amount of racers allowed on the track". He read. "The following changes have been put into place, effective immediatly". "Change number one: Each racer must sell-out and put the logo of one of our sponsers on their swoop bike". "This will be done for you before the race, and your sponser will be chosen at random". "Change number two: In addition to jump-kits and weapons, each racer will be required to wear a costume based on their gender so that the men will look like a bunch of badasses, and the women will be jaw-droppingly hot". "Again these costumes will be provided to you". "You all with me so far"?

All the racers began muttering amongst themselves.

"Good". Motta continued. "And finally change number three: We have had complaints about some of our racers using profane language while signing autographs for some of our younger fans".

"Fuck you, Motta". A twilek girl replied. "That only happened once".

"You cussed out an eight year old, Lienna". "And that's why no racers are allowed to use profane language around the track anymore".

"Great". Liquid said. "So horriffic deplorable violence is ok, as long as we don't use any naughty words"?

"Exactly, now report to the race master for your costumes and sponser assignments". "The race begins in four hours".

The racers slowly started lining up by the race master, and Liquid started to follow, but stopped when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Are you Liquid"? Lienna asked.

"For you, I am". He replied as he looked at her. "Actually, you look kinda fimiliar".

"I should". "After all, you killed my mother on the track last year".

(FLASHBACK)

After landing from a jump, Liquid had to fight to keep from crashing his swoop into a group of rocks. He then drew his blaster, but then it fell out of his hand as his opponent shot him in the shoulder.

"I'm comin to get you, Liquid"! Bernice the twilek yelled as her swoop closed in.

She pulled up along side of him, and aimed her blaster at his face, but then he rammed his swoop into her's. This caused her to drop her blaster as their swoop bikes became stuck on eachother. Liquid tried to break free, but then Bernice punched him in the hurt shoulder, and started slamming his head into the controls.

"Time for you to die, Liquid". She said as she pulled out a second blaster. "It's been fun, but I gotta

She was interupted as Liquid pulled her ejector seat lever, making her scream as she was splattered across the mouth of a cave while Liquid and the swoop bikes continued on.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"Oh yeah, I remember Bernice". Liquid said. "Can you race as good as her"?

"See you on the track, Liquid". Lienna replied as she walked toward the race master.

It did not take long for Jill to locate the offices of Czerka corporation, and the four of them walked in just as another sand storm kicked up outside.

As their eyes adjusted, they saw that several other people were sitting in the waiting area, but nothing seemed to be happening. No one was being called, nor was anyone talking to the representitive who was just kind of leaning against the wall.

"Go get us a hunting license, Chris". Jill said.

"Why do we need one"? He asked.

"Because that dude we talked to in the hunting lodge said that no one leaves the city without one". "That was one of the things we found out while you were off being a jackass". "No go up there and talk to that woman".

Chris sighed as he walked up to the Czerka representitive.

"Uh... hi". He said. "I need a

"What the fuck are you doing"? She replied.

"Um...talking to you about a hunting license"?

"No, you're being an inconsiderate prick". "Do you think you're special in some way"? "Do you think this is some kind of videogame where you can just walk into any building and immediatly talk to the person in charge"?

"Well, um, I, uh...

"Well, um, you, uh... get to take a number and have a seat like the rest of the dumbfucks in here". "In fact, on behalf of Czerka corporation, please allow me to assist you in taking a seat".

She then grabbed a wooden chair, and broke it over Chris's head, making him collapse to the floor.

"Now crawl away in shame". She said. "You non-patience having son of a bitch". "And remember: The customer comes first at the offices of Czerka".

Chris slowly crawled his way back to where Jill an the others were sitting, and was met with angry glares from all of them.

"Hi". He said.

"Where's the license, Chris"? Ada asked.

"She said we gotta take a number". He replied.

"So fucking get one"! Jill yelled. "God, do you need me to write you a list of instructions or something"? "How about you try to figure things out on your own sometimes, instead of being your usual idiotic self"?

"How about you get a number, you filthy skank"?

"WHAT DID YOU SAY"?

"I said, um, I can't wait to, um, get a fish tank".

"Oh... me too".

Chris breathed a sigh of relief as he crawled over to the number machine, and got to his feet before taking a ticket that said:

#124

This didn't seem too bad, until he looked at the sign over the door that read:

NOW SERVING:

#003

So he hung his head and walked over to where the others were sitting.

(THREE HOURS LATER)

It felt like they had been waiting for twenty years, and it got even more depressing when Chris looked at the sign that now read:

NOW SERVING:

#021

"Cool, I'm next". A man sitting next to HK-47 said. "I've been waiting here all day, so come on twenty-two". "That's right, I'm next, so all you cocksuckers get to watch me get stuff done while you just sit there like a bunch of bitches". "Who's next"? "I'm next". "Who's next"? "I'm

Suddenly HK-47 elbowed the man in the head, knocking him out. Then he switched the man's ticket with Chris's just before the sign changed.

"Mocking query: Who's next"? The droid asked. "Answer: Not you".

"Uh, cool". Chris said as he got up. "I'm, um, next because I am number twenty-two".

He quickly walked over to the woman again, and showed her the ticket.

"Good day". She said. "How can Czerka assist you today"?

"I need a hunting license". He replied.

"I see... well the ticket you had was for a drivers license renewal, so if you can go ahead and get another ticket, we will be with you as soon as possible".

Suddenly HK-47 made a growling sound as it jumped up, and made its way over to them. It then pushed Chris out of the way, and grabbed the woman by the throat.

"Greeting: Good day to you, meatbag". The droid said. "Statement: You must forgive my master, you see sometimes he can be a bit of a tool". "Query: Could you be so kind as to issue him a hunting license"? "Eager threat: Because if you don't, I shall enjoy the pleasure of crushing your water-filled body into something the size of a pea".

She nodded, and after being released, she quickly printed out a hunting license for Chris.

"Query: You see, master"? HK-47 asked as they took it. "Statement: Meatbags will not treat you with the respect you deserve, unless they see you as a threat".

After waking up Jill and Ada, they left the office building, and walked back across the colony toward the large gate which would take them to the dune sea.

"So, what's your story"? Jill asked. "What is an obviously custom droid like you doing on Tattooine"?

"Hesitant answer: Well". HK-47 replied. "You see... my previous masters all had this bad habit of expiring before their time". "My most recent one before the meatbag Chris here, suffered an unfortunate accident".

"And are you capable of lying"?

"Lie: Of course not, that would not be appropriate for a droid". "Qualification: This unit could not even fib so much as to suggest that Chris has an excellent haircut".

"Hey"! Chris yelled.

"Good enough for me". Jill said.

They kept walking until they reached the gate, and were then met by a single Czerka guard.

"Hold on there". He said. "No one gets to leave Anchorhead without a Czerka issued hunting license". "You see, we've been having problems with Sand People, so its armed hunters and Czerka personnel only".

"What are Sand People"? Chris asked as he showed the license.

"Are you kidding me"? "The Sand People are the terror of Tattooine, second only to the horrible Krayt Dragon".

"What makes them so terrible"?

"The fact that not only do they steal our technology, but they also got this bad habit of kidnapping and sexually abusing anyone too weak to defend themselves". "In fact only a week ago they tied one of our worker's hands behind his back and made him walk all the way to Anchorhead naked with a cucumber up his ass".

"So they let him go"?

"No, they shot the poor bastard as soon as he reached the gate, and then vanished before we could do anything". "Anyway, your license seems to be valid, so have a good day".

"Uh... sure".

The guard pushed a button, and the sand-filled wind just seemed to blow harder as they left the city, and stepped out onto the dune sea.


	35. The Dune Sea

The stands were full as time for the race approached, and the fans cheered as the six racers came out wearing their new costumes. As promised the male racers all looked like characters from old Arnold Schwartzenegger movies, while the women all looked like something out of a Victoria's Secret catalog.

"You're a dead man, Liquid". Lienna said as they all smiled and waved to the crowd. "I'm gonna kill you seven times before you even know you're dead".

"Blow me, Twilek". He replied as they moved toward their swoop bikes. "Seriously... you can do it in the locker room after I win the race".

"Ladies and Gentlemen". Motta said over the loudspeaker. "Welcome to the Tattooine Swoop Racing season opener". "Today all the new rules you wanted are in effect, just in time for some fresh-faced newcomers as well as a few old favorites". "First up riding the Old Spice bike, I give you last year's champion of the Manaan Circuit... Voldo the Aquilish".

The fans cheered louder as Voldo picked up the swoop bike over his head, but then they got quiet as his arms gave out and the bike came down, crushing him flat.

Everyone just stood there as a pool of blood slowly began to appear under the bike.

"Oh, shit". Motta continued as his workers removed the bike and body from the track. "Um... like I said... first up riding the Motorola bike, I give you... Ringo the Bith".

The crowd began cheering again as the mess from Voldo was done being cleaned up.

"Second, riding the Tyson Chicken bike". Motta said. "I give you... Eleanor the Human". "Third, riding the Sony bike, I give you... Nelix the Talaxian". "Fourth, riding the Wonderbread bike, I give you last year's Tattooine champion... Liquid the human". "And finally, last but certainly not least, riding the Venus bike, I give you the daughter of previous champion Bernice the Twilek... Lienna the Twilek". "Racers... mount your bikes".

"Don't worry, Liquid". Lienna continued as they got on their swoop bikes. "This won't take long... I know a few tricks that my mother didn't".

"I hope so". Liquid replied as he sat down. "She got boring in the sack after awhile".

Lienna screamed as she drew her blaster and started firing, but Liquid leaned back at the last second, making her shoot Nelix in the chest six times instead.

"Oops". She said as his body hit the ground. "Sorry, Nelix".

"Hey, you clowns". Motta said as the clean up crew came out again. "This is your only warning... no killing racers before the actual race starts".

"Yeah, Lienna". Liquid replied. "You don't want to get disqualified before you get the chance to be splattered across the same rock as your mother, do you"?

"Fuck you, Liquid"! Lienna yelled.

"Right after the race if you want".

"Racers... start your engines". Motta said as they all fired up their bikes. "Three... two... one... GO"!

In a flash all of the racers took off across the desert, except for Ringo since the Motorola bike wasn't moving. But after a quick check of the controls, the control screen began to flash a single message.

NO SIGNAL

"No bars"? He yelled as he looked at the monitor. "I'm right under the cell phone tower, how the hell can there be no bars"?

He then punched the controls, making his bike explode as the other racers disapeared from sight.

"Crap, I thought it was hot in the city". Jill said as they walked through the loose sand.

Since leaving the city about ten minutes ago, all that they got to see was loose blowing sand as they walked in the direction where some caves were supposed to be.

"There's nothing out here". Chris said. "Are you sure that guy knew what he was talking about"? "We could just be walking around in circles for all you know".

"Ok, mister glass is half empty". She replied. "What do you suggest we do"?

"Well, we could... um... uh, well, first we could, um...

"Interuption:". HK-47 said. "Life form detected". "Distance... just over there a ways".

They looked in the direction that the droid was pointing, and saw a man off in the distance who seemed to be surrounded by a group of five floating objects.

"Good". Ada said. "Maybe he knows where the caves are".

They picked up the pace, reaching the man about a minute later, but instead of greeting them or making an aggresive move, he started waving at them in a paniced fashon.

"Don't come any closer"! He yelled. "I don't know what these things will do if anyone else comes near"!

Now that they were closer, they could see that the man was surrounded by what appeared to be hovering battle droids of some kind. Smoke emenated from their bodies as they shook violently in the air, and their blaster weapons were aimed at the poor bastard that they had surrounded.

"What happened here"? Chris asked.

"My wife, that's what". He replied. "I activated some trap that she rigged up in my hunting droids here, and they're threatening to fill me full of holes if I move".

"That's awful". "Why would she do that to you"?

"I'm not really sure". "It could have something to do with the fact that I always spend all my credits before I get home... or she might be a little ticked that I got both of her sisters pregnant... but that's no reason to kill a guy, right"?

"I say leave him". Jill replied. "Scum like this are the reason that most women become lesbians".

"I agree". Ada said. "I hope your droids all aim for your dick".

"Irritated declaration: This is outragous". HK-47 added. "Statement: It would not be appropriate to just leave this meatbag here to suffer".

"It wouldn't"? The man asked.

"Quick reply: Of course not". "Clarification: So instead of allowing you to suffer, I shall simply kill you right now".

The man screamed as the droid raised its blaster rifle, but Chris got in his way.

"Stop"! He yelled as he backed up toward the man. "This is not how Jedi act". "I can understand a war droid thinking this way, but two Jedi knights like you... should feel ashamed".

He started to say something else, but then he bumped into the closest droid, making it spark with life.

"Warning: Target has moved". It said. "Initiating program: Cocksucker Must Die".

Suddenly the man started screaming as the droid's weapons tore into him like ED-209 in the opening scene of Robocop. Then his smoldering corpse hit the ground as the hovering droids shut themselves down.

"Suprised declaration: Master, I didn't know you had it in you". HK-47 said.

"But I didn't"! Chris yelled. "That wasn't... I didn't mean...

"Yeah good job, Chris". Jill replied. "I didn't realize that cold-blood murder was among your talents".

"That's not fair"! "I've watched you kill people before"!

"Oh, so two wrongs make a right, huh"? "If I jumped off a cliff, would you do it too"?

"You're goin to hell, Chris". Ada said. "How could you just up and kill that poor defensless man like that"? "What if he had a family"? "Did you think about that, or was your thirst for blood overpowering your judgement"?

"This is bullshit"! Chris yelled. "You two were gonna leave him to die, and HK-47 wanted to shoot him in the face"!

"This isn't about us". Jill replied. "This is about how you deliberatly executed a man who had never done anything to you, because you seem to think that you are some kind of supreme authority in the galaxy". "And the droid was trying to end his suffering, you wad". "Unlike you, he wasn't just trying to satisfy his primal urges".

"Don't bother, Jill". Ada said. "People like him don't care about the lives of others". "In fact, he's probably gonna be thinking about this moment later tonight while he's whacking his weasel".

"WHAT HAVE I DONE"? Chris screamed as he fell to his knees. "I'm a killer"! "I'm a cold blooded murderer who deserves to be executed"! "I no longer have the right to call myself a human being"! "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"!

Suddenly Jill slapped him, bringing him back into reality.

"Jeez, Chris". She said. "Get a grip, would ya"?

"Yeah, Chris". Ada replied. "Its not like you're the only one here who ever killed someone before". "Now get up and lets go".

To say that Chris was confused would have been an understatement. Was he really a cold blooded monster? Or was there hope for his redemption?

"MOVE YOUR ASS, CHRIS"! Jill screamed as they walked away.

He stumbled to his feet, and followed them as they continued across the sand for another hour or so. It seemed like they would never find anything out there, but then HK-47 hit Chris in the face as the droid held up it's arm for them to stop.

"OW"! Chris yelled as he stumbled back. "What was that for"!

"Advisement: Be quiet, master". The droid replied. "There is a structure detected right over there".

They all looked, and sure enough there was something that looked like a large building a short distance ahead. But there was smoke coming out the top of it, and most buildings don't have treads. There were also a few people standing in its shadow".

"It's a sandcrawler". Ada said as they got closer. "They use them to tear through the desert like a bunch of lunitics, doing doughnuts and stuff".

"Great, maybe they can help us find the caves". Jill replied. "As long as psycho killer Chris doesn't try to kill them before we can ask".

"I am not a killer"! Chris yelled.

"Statement: Don't fight it, master". HK-47 said. "Being a cold blooded killing machine can be fun if you don't mind the nightmares and the constant nagging guilt which threatens to shred your very soul".

"Oh... well, I'm just glad to not be alone in this".

"Addendum: Of course, I am a droid with no soul, so tough break, cracker".

Chris just hung his head as they reached the shadow of the sandcrawler, and a moment later the people came running up to them.

"Are you guys the rescue team"? Their leader asked.

"Query: Do we look like a rescue team"? HK-47 asked.

"Rescue from what"? Jill asked.

"The Sand People"!

(Dramatic music is played)

"We were out here mining". He continued. "Then they were on us before we could do anything, and six of them somehow managed to completely disable our giant sandcrawler that could easily have just run over them".

"Then what happened"? Jill asked.

"We came outside like a bunch of dumbasses instead of staying inside where it was safe". "Then they kicked our asses, and carried most of my mining team away".

"So you fought them off"? Ada asked.

"No, they just left us here because they couldn't carry all of us at once". "Its only a matter of time before they come back for the rest of us".

"So, why are you still here"? "Why haven't you guys gone back to Anchorhead"? "I mean... wouldn't that be the smart thing to do"?

He just looked at her like she was stupid.

"Sure, we could have done that". He continued. "If we were main characters in this story". "Unfortunatly for us, when bad shit happens we have to stand here like dipshits until the heroes come along". "Then we only have a few seconds to blurt out something dramatic before

Suddenly the dirt started moving as the Sand People jumped up from their camoflaged hiding places. They quickly shot the rest of the miners, before grabbing Chris and the others and lifting them over their heads.

"Warning: Hostile life form detected". HK-47 said as they were carried across the sand. "Recommend evasive action at once, master".

"Thanks for the tip". Jill replied. "What would we do without you"?

"Smug statement: No thanks is nessessary, master... as always it is my pleasure to serve".


	36. Sand People Enclave

The three remaining swoop racers quickly left Anchorhead, and shot out across the dune sea. Surprisingly however, it was newcomer Eleanor the human who was in the lead.

But did not seem to be a long term lead as Liquid approached on the Wonderbread swoop.

"Hi". Liquid said as he pulled alongside Eleanor's bike. "This is your first time on the track, right"?

"Yeah". She replied. "I've always wanted to be a professional racer, and being out here on this track is like a dream come true".

"Cool, way to keep a positive outlook". "But since this is your first time, let me give you the same advice that the legendary racer Morgan Freeman gave to me during my first race".

"Wow, what an honor". "What was the advice"?

"Stay off my track, bitch"!

Liquid suddenly turned sideways and kicked her in the side with both feet. This caused Eleanor to go rolling across the sand while her swoop bike crashed into a rock. There was a small explosion, but Eleanor seemed to be mostly unharmed.

"ASSHOLE"! She scremed.

"You're welcome"! Liquid called back. "Pretty soon it will be you giving that advice to the new racers... if you survived, that is"! "Ah, the joy of being a mentor".

Eleanor started walking back in the direction of Anchorhead, but then a desert wraid pounced on her from behind a small dune, and started tearing her to shreds.

"Ok, maybe not". Liquid said. "Oh well, that's life".

Suddenly two blaster shots flew across the front of his bike.

"Hello, Lienna". He said to himself as she got closer. "Now the fun gets to begin".

She fired at him two more times, before he drew his own blaster, and returned fire, making her bike swerve.

"You suck, Lienna"! He yelled as she regained control. "Your mom could have atleast damaged my bike by now"!

"I'll damage more than your bike"! She yelled as she hit the gas.

She bumped into the back of his bike, making him swerve a little.

"What, that's it"? He asked. "I know you can do better".

So she went to hit him again, but this time Liquid moved to the side and slowed down. Then he side swiped her as she was going past, and their swoop bikes got stuck on eachother.

"Well, this looks fimiliar". Liquid continued as they picked up speed. "Now how's this feel"?

He hit her across the face with his blaster, but then she blocked his next hit and head butted him. With a solid left to the jaw, Liquid started to fall over the side, but he came back up with a handful of sand, making Lienna scream as he tossed it into her eyes.

Liquid laughed as he kicked her, making her start to fall over as she dropped her blaster, but then she came back up with a rock that made him fall onto his controls as she bashed it into his head. She went for another strike, but Liquid shot her in the forearm, making her drop it.

"Bye, bye". He said as he aimed at her face.

Liquid was just starting to pull the trigger, when their swoop bikes hit a bump that made him shoot his own controls instead. This made them continue to pick up speed as they flew across the desert.

The Sand People continued to carry them across the dune sea for the longest time, until they arrived at what seemed to be a settlement of some kind. It was made from giant rib bones that acted like supports, with huge animal skin tarps stretched over the top and across the walls to keep the sun and wind out.

"Maybe we can talk about this". Chris said as they were carried. "My name is Chris, what is

He stopped in mid-sentence as all the Sand People glared at him, and became silent. Then they muttered to eachother for a moment.

"Hey, maybe they want to talk". Chris said to the others. "Let's start over with introductions: My name is Chris, what is

This time he was interupted as the Sand People tossed him to the ground, and the one closest to him kicked him in the face. The rest of the group took turns doing this for a few minutes, but then one of them pointed to his watch, and the others groaned as they picked Chris up.

"Way to negociate our freedom". Jill said as they started moving. "I'm sure that we will be released any second now, so tell me... were you born with a talent for epic failure, or was it hard work that made it possible"?

They were taken through the front door, and down a long hall before being thrown down at the feet of a particularly nasty looking guy that appeared to be the Chief. He talked with some of the others, while taking glances at each prisoner. But when he got to Chris, the Chief screamed loudly before kicking him in the face.

The other Sand People laughed as Chris ate the dirt, and after a bit more talking the Chief waved his hand, causing some of the others to take the prisoners away.

"Where are you taking us"? Jill asked as they were carried back down the hall.

The Sand People just laughed at them, and a few seconds later the prisoners were forced into a small room. The guards each took a turn kicking Chris in the face and then left the room, lowering the wooden roller-gate down behind them.

"We're trapped"! Chris yelled. "And now they're gonna eat us or something"!

"Trapped"? Jill asked as she looked around. "Are you serious"? "The walls in here are just a bunch of tarps hanging up to block the wind".

She walked over to the wall, and held the tarp open a bit.

"You first, Chris". She said.

Chris wasted no time in walking over to the escape hole, and when he stuck his head out, his eyes adjusted just in time for him to see the foot coming at his face.

The guards outside laughed as Chris fell back into the prison room, and then Jill let the tarp go.

"So much for that". She said. "Way to blow our cover, Chris".

"What did I do"? Chris asked.

"You stood there like a jackass, instead of just running away". "Haven't you ever seen any prison break movies"? "Everything always goes great until some boob stands there in plain sight just long enough for the guards to spot them".

"I wonder what they're gonna do to us". Ada said.

"Interuption: Don't panic yet, master". HK-47 replied. "I believe that I can translate what the Sand Meatbags were saying back there". "Statement: Their conversation included the individual fates in store for each of us, along with quite a bit of the history of their culture".

"Well, what were they saying"? Chris asked as he got up.

"Explenation: We were captured because they believe us to be part of the group of off worlders that has ruthlessly exploited them for centuries". "They believe that we are here to rape their women, kill their cattle, and steel their land". "Addendum: They also said something about their oil being drilled while they are forced to live on reservations, with the only upside being that the people of Ancorhead are now allowing them to open casinos on these reservations".

"Ok, but what about us"? Jill asked.

"Explenation: The Chief of this tribe has consulted with his council, and come up with rather interesting ways of dealing with us based on tribal law, primitive superstition, and his own personal goals". "He believes that I am one of their long lost Gods, and I am to be worshiped every thursday with human sacrifices that I get to kill". "Addendum: I find this arrangement to be acceptable for the time being".

"Ok, but what about us"? "You know, the three actually alive things in the room"?

"Explenation: The Chief has decreed that the two females are to become part of his personal harem, since you are both much nicer on the eyes than the average disgusting females of their tribe". "Addendum: You both shall pleasure him until you start to get ugly from age, and then you both shall be stoned to death by the entire tribe".

"So what happens to me"? Chris asked.

HK-47 said nothing as he walked over to Chris and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Blubbering statement: Oh, master". The droid said. "I wish our time together didn't have to end in such a creative and inhumane way".

"What do you mean"? Chris asked.

"Hesitant explenation: Well, you see... normally you would simply be forced to run back to Anchorhead with a cucumber up your ass while they hunt you down like a dog". "However, Chris just happens to be the name of the enemy of their God, and therefore they seek to punish you for your wicked deeds".

"Is that why they keep kicking me in the face"?

"Statement: No master, they kicked you in the face because they think you look like someone who needs it".

"So what are they gonna do to me"?

"Explenation: The Chief has decreed that you are the reincarnation of the evil one of the same name, and you are to be killed in such a way that your evil soul can never rise again". "First they are going to cut off your hands and feet with a dull hunting knife, before one of them rips off your manhood with his bare hands and shoves it down your throat".

Chris swallowed hard as the color drained out of his face.

"Continuation: And in the second part of the ritual". HK-47 said. "They force you to dress in their female's clothing and put your sorry ass in the stocks while every member of the tribe gets the opportunity to bless their prize cucumbers by repeatedly ramming them up your ass".

Chris leaned up against one of the supports and slowly sank to the ground.

"Conclusion: And finally". The droid continued. "You shall be burried up to your neck in the sand, so that the children of the tribe can throw things at you until you finally die".

"Great". Chris whimpered. "So when does all this happen"?

"Answer: In about five seconds, master".

Suddenly two Sand People burst into the room. One was carrying a dress and a hunting knife, while the other was cracking the knuckles of his really big hands.

Being the true Jedi hero that Chris was, he immediatly started crying as fell to his knees, begging for mercy. However the guards simply laughed and kicked him in the face, and they were about to get him, when a strange electric whining sound filled the air.

Everyone listened for a moment as the sound got louder, but no one could place what it was.

"What is that"? Jill asked.

"Reply: I believe". HK-47 began. "That we are hearing the sound of a quickly approaching

The droid was interupted as two tangled swoop bikes slammed into the settlement, ripping down tarps and causing fires. Countless Sand People were run over, and the entire place was in chaos as the bikes exited the other side.

"Sorry"! Liquid and the other pilot yelled as they flew away.

"Now's our chance"! Jill yelled.

The two Sand People in the room with them just happened to be wearing the stolen weapons, so after knocking them out with one of the supports, it was now time to fight their way out. But before they could, HK-47 raised his blaster rifle, and began cutting the confused Sand People down like something out of Rambo.

In seconds every last member of the tribe had been killed, leaving them free to go as they pleased.

"Statement: Threat neutralised". The droid said as it lowered its weapon.

"Why didn't you just break us out"? Chris asked.

"Query: What fun would that have been, master"? "Statement: I was curious to see how long you could have survived their death sentence".

"Oh yeah"? "What changed your mind"?

"Answer: The actions of those half-witted swoop riders provided me the opportunity for even more fun than the thought of listening to your pig-like squeals during your long and painful death". "Statement: It was a difficult choice, however I believe that there is a small chance that I could have made the wrong one".

Chris screamed as he lunged at the droid, but HK-47 simply stuck its fist out, allowing Chris to fall on his ass after running into it.

"Could you two stop clowing around for a second"? Jill asked as she looked around. "I need to figure out where we are, so that we don't die out here".

"We're not gonna have to eat eachother"? Chris asked as he got up. "Are we"?

"Oh, shut up, Chris". Ada replied. "If you weren't such a complete failure at life, we would have already found the starmap, and been on our way to a planet that doesn't suck as bad as this one".

"How is this my fault"?

"Because as the only man in this group, you should have taken charge and led us out of danger". "But no, you decided to be a douchebag, and allow a couple of beautiful helpless women like us be captured by the Sand People". "Honestly Chris, how do you sleep at night"? "Didn't your mother ever teach you how to properly treat and take care of a lady"?

"Not really, no... but since when did you become a lady"?

"I AM A PERFECT LADY"!

Ada suddenly punched Chris in the mouth. Then she knocked him off his feet, and started kicking him.

"Hold it". Jill said. "Ada, stop for a sec".

"What is it"? She asked. "I'm kinda busy here".

"Look over there".

Ada looked in the direction that Jill was pointing, and sure enough there was a large dark spot off in the distance, that could very well be the caves that they had been told about.

"Come on, let's go". Jill said as she started walking. "The sooner we find the starmap, the sooner we can leave".

Ada started to follow her, but then stopped long enough to kick Chris one more time.

"The Sand People were right". She said as she walked away. "You do look like you need to be kicked in the face".

Chris would have laid there for awhile, if HK-47 had not lifted him to his feet.

"Demand: Move it, Meatb, er master". The droid said as it pushed him forward. "We must get off this planet soon, or else I might just kill all of you right here".


	37. Lair Of The Dragon

The battle continued as the two entangled swoop bikes flew across the sand, now on their return trip toward Anchorhead.

Lienna hit Liquid in the face again, and then grabbed him by the throat in order to strangle him, but he tickled her ribs, making her lose her grip.

"You know". He said after elbowing her in the chin. "This really isn't going anywhere".

"What do you mean"? Lienna asked.

"Ok, I admit that killing your mom was a dick move on my part, but did you know that she made me crash five swoop bikes before that"?

"No, I didn't".

"Yeah, I could have just as easily been killed in that last race as her, but now instead of keeping her memory alive by racing, you want to continue the cycle of violence by killing me". "Then one of my friends will come after you for revenge, and it just keeps going on and on".

Lienna had nothing to say back to this.

He was right. Instead of just racing on like her mother wanted, she was twisting this time honored competition with her hatred.

"Ok, then". She said as she let go of him. "How about we agree to call a truce, and finish this race as friends like my mother would have wanted"?

"Not on your life". Liquid replied.

Suddenly he pulled the Lightsaber out from under his jacket, and activated the blade before Lienna could even react. He then slashed with it, slicing off the front end of her swoop bike while at the same cutting the pieces that held their bikes together.

Her bike quickly took a nose dive, making Lienna scream as she was plastered across a rock wall while Liquid entered a short cave that signaled the final stretch to the finish line. And being that there were no other racers to worry about, he decided to slow down a bit.

But nothing happened as he pulled the brake.

So he pulled it again, and the lever broke off in his hand as the swoop bike continued to pick up speed.

"Uh, oh". He said to himself as he approached the finish line.

"And here they come". Motta said over the loudspeaker. "And the winner is... Liquid the human"!

The crowd cheered as the wonderbread swoop crossed the finishline.

"I CAN'T STOP"! Liquid screamed as he swerved. "GET OUTA THE WAY"!

He tore through the pit stop area, and continued screaming as the still accelerating swoop bike shot back out across the dune sea.

"Uh... ok". Motta continued. "I guess he's taking a victory lap, or something".

The crowd cheered again as Liquid vanished over the horizon.

It was difficult to run across the loose sand in this part of the dune sea, so they looked like a bunch of stumbling morons as they made their way toward the cave.

Atleast they hoped that it was a cave.

"You're dead if that's not a cave, Chris". Ada said.

"Why me"? Chris asked.

"Because you're the only logical choice".

"How do you figure that"?

"Because the droid could probably kill me, and Jill is my friend, so that leaves you to hope and pray that we find a cave up there".

Chris was about to say something else, but his words were interupted as all of them fell down a sudden hill at the same time. They rolled and rolled, before hitting solid ground at the bottom, and sure enough there was a very large cave a short distance away.

"Quit laying around, Chris". Jill said as everyone got up. "And next time warn us about a sudden drop".

"But I was last in line". He replied.

"Oh yeah, that makes it so much better". "Instead of leading the way like you were anything close to a man, you were hiding in the back like the cowardly little pervert that you are". "Didn't your daddy teach you anything when you were growing up"?

"I... I didn't have a father".

"Oh, so now you want to blame all your failings on your father, do you"? "That's cool, let's all just blame the parents whenever a kid is all fucked up in the head". "I swear to God, Chris, you had better rethink your life choices before you end up as a crack whore on the streets or something".

"But I'm not gonna

His words were interupted as a strange man in a cape and top-hat jumped out at them, making everyone jump.

"Good day to you". He said. "I am Doctor Terminus, and you are just in time to help me with a planet-shattering breakthrough for medical science".

"What are you talking about"? Jill asked. "And where are your clothes"?

"Ha, clothes indeed"! "What do I need clothes for when I am wearing the cloak of invisibility"?

He pulled the cape over his head, and everyone had to turn away as he started dancing around.

"You can't see me"! He yelled as he danced. "You can't see me"!

"Ok, just stop"! Ada yelled. "You're invisible, ok"?

Terminus stopped dancing an put the cape back down around him.

"Request:". HK-47 said. "Please allow me to execute this poor soul in order to end my misery".

"No". Jill said. "Look, Timberlan or whatever your name is... what are you doing out here"?

"I come in the interest of science"! He declared. "There is a krayt dragon in that cave, and I walked all the way from Anchorhead in order to capture it".

"How does that help medical science"? "Unless you plan to use the credits to buy some clothes, that is".

"My dear lady, please allow me to explain all the practical applications involved with dragons". "I promise that you will be both shocked and amazed".

He opened a bag that was sitting next to him, and from it he got a large old book. Then he opened it, and music bagan to play as he found the section on dragons.

"Dragon can cure a cold". He sang. "Dragon powder grows hair". "With dragon blood you'll never grow old... every item is covered with gold".

"Let me see that book". Jill said as she grabbed it. "Dragon cartalige keeps you thin, dragon fat is for burns". "A dragon tear will clear up your skin".

"Watch the credits come rolling in". "Every little piece, every little piece... we could make a million by slicing him and dicing him". "My friends we could sell... every little shell". "There's enough of him to go around... its credits, credits, credits by the pound".

"Every little piece". Ada sang. "Every little piece, I could take a scissor and clip him up, rip him up".

"Every little part... is a work of art... think of what a dragon heart would bring". "Wrapped up in a ribbon and a string".

"Song: Every little piece". HK-47 sang. "Every little piece, lead us to the dragon, we'll bind him up, grind him up". "Then drag him from the cave, and show him that we're brave".

"It's credits, credits, credits". Chris sang. "By the pound".

The music stopped as a terrible roar filled the air. Then the ground shook as the gigantic building-size krayt dragon slowly made his way out of the cave.

"Cloak of invisibility"! Terminus yelled as he pulled the cape over his head.

He ran right up to the dragon, and began to dance his naked ass around like before.

"You can't see me"! He yelled. "You can't see me"! "You can't

The dragon responded to this by picking Terminus up with his mouth, and swallowing the man whole.

"Well, credits aren't everything". Jill said. "Let's go".

They turned around to run away, but stopped as a land speeder quickly approached. A few seconds later it stopped right next to them, and they backed away as Darth Nikoli jumped out.

"You"? Chris asked.

"Hello again, piggy". He replied as he activated his Lightsaber. "You and your bitch friends here better surrender to me before I feed you to that dragon over there".

HK-47 moved in to attack, but Nikoli waved his hand, and the droid was engulfed by a small whirlwind that seemed to rise from the sand. It lifted it off its feet and spun the droid around a hundred times before allowing HK-47 to collapse from dizziness.

"Is that all you got"? Nikoli asked. "You should know that I am using the force to control that dragon, and if you don't surrender, I will feed you to it after I'm done having my fun with you".

Jill and Ada quickly activated their Lightsabers and attacked, but Nikoli spit in Ada's eyes and hit Jill in the back of the head with a rock after blocking her first attack. He used the same rock on Ada, and then used the force to knock Chris on his ass.

"Be with you in a second, piggy". He said as he went back to the speeder.

He grabbed some rope and used it to tie up Ada, then he used some handcuffs on Jill before tossing her into the back of his speeder.

"And as for you". He said as he grabbed a bag off the back seat. "Put this on, unless you and your friends want to be dragon food".

He tossed the bag to Chris, and his heart sank as he opened it up to find a Rainbow Brite costume.

"I can't wear this"! Chris yelled. "I refuse"!

"Sure you can". Nikoli replied. "I know that you prefer the Sailor Moon costume, but this one is brighter and more colorful".

"But... I...

"PUT THE DAMN THING ON"!

Chris hung his head as he took the costume out. He had beated Nikoli once before on Taris, but not when the lives of his closest friends were at stake. So he did a quick costume change, and Nikoli laughed at him before taking a picture with his I-phone.

"Darth Wesker is gonna love this". He said as the picture was sent. "Now, where were we before getting so rudly interupted on Taris"?

Nikoli started forward, but stopped as Chris activated his own Lightsaber.

"What the hell is that"? He asked as he looked at the brown blade. "Looks like a really long turd".

"It's a Lightsaber"! Chris yelled. "The one I'm gonna kill you with for what you did to Brad on the Endar Spire, as well as what you put me through on Taris"!

"You better put that down, piggy". "Or else the dragon might take two steps closer".

The ground shook as the dragon moved forward two steps, and then Chris hung his head as he dropped the Lightsaber. There was no way he could beat both of them, and he could only hope for a miracle.

Nikoli started forward again, but stopped as a strange sound filled the air. It sounded like an electric whining combined with someone screaming for their mommy...

And it was getting closer.

Suddenly a swoop bike, complete with screaming Liquid, flew off the top of the dune that they had rolled down to reach the cave. Since it was moving at full speed, it flew over Chris and the others as it went right for the dragon's face as it opened its jaws. There was a brief thumping sound as the dragon's nose seperated the rider from the bike.

Liquid's screams continued as he went flying deeper into the cave, and stopped after he crashed into the back wall. The swoop bike, however, continued to accelerate as it went right down the dragon's throat.

Everything was quiet for a moment, but then there was the sound of a muffled explosion with in the dragon's body, and smoke came out of it's nose and mouth as the great beast fell over dead.

"This changes nothing". Nikoli said as Chris picked up his Lightsaber. "That drunken swoop racer might have killed the dragon, but a little crossdressing bitch like you can never stand against the dark side of the force". "And after I kick your ass, I'm gonna fuck the living shit out of these girls, AND YOU"!

The anger was beginning to swell up in Chris's body. He was tired of this asshole threatening him and killing his friends. He hated Nikoli, and that hate was starting to make him feel different. It was as if he suddenly had the first clue of how to hold the Lightsaber, and the rage inside him grew as he started to move forward.

"I'LL KILL YOU"! Chris screamed as he flew at his enemy.

Nikoli was completely surprised not only by how the little piggy was standing up to him, but also by how well he was doing it. This was no Jedi that he was facing...

This Chris guy was fighting like a Sith as he attacked and blocked all of Nikoli's moves. The dark side was known for magicaly turning weak little bitches into hardcore killers, but this was insane. In less then twenty seconds of fighting, Chris destroyed Nikoli's Lightsaber and knocked him on his ass. Then he prepared for the killing blow...

"NO, PLEASE"! Nikoli screamed. "Please don't kill me"! "Please, I'm sorry"! "Don't kill me"!

Then something even stranger happened as Chris stood there. The dark side faded away, and Chris suddenly seemed very disoriented as he looked around.

"What happened"? He asked. "Where am I"?

Sensing this change, Nikoli kicked Chris in the nuts as hard as he could, before picking up a rock and slamming it into the side of his head.

"So, piggy wants to be a badass, huh"? Nikoli asked as he got up.

He kicked Chris in the side, and stomped him a few times.

"Well guess what". Nikoli continued. "Badasses don't wear Ranbow Brite costumes or get rammed up the ass". "So prepare to be guilty of both".

He picked up another rock to use on Chris, but then he jumped back as some blaster shots hit the ground between them.

"What the fuck"? He asked as he looked for the source.

Liquid suddenly stumbled out of the cave with his blaster aimed in Nikoli's general direction. He was all brused up, with blood coming out of his nose and mouth.

"Sorry". He slurred as he stumbled closer. "I was aiming for the rock".

"Oh, this is rich". Nikoli replied. "Are you the one who has come to save Chris"?

"Chris"? "... Oh, hi Chris... nice outfit". "No, I'm not here to save no one... you just look like a prick... but I guess I could save him since I'm... here already".

"Oh, whatever". "You're in no shape to fight me, you can barely stand". "Hell, I bet you're seein double, too".

Liquid stopped moving for a second, and then he pulled out a second blaster.

"I got two blasters". He slurred. "One for each of ya".

Without warning, Liquid began firing both weapons. However he didn't hit a damn thing, making Nikoli laugh as the blaster fire stopped.

"What were you aiming at"? He asked. "Maybe you should try shooting at something else in order to hit me".

"Ok". Liquid slurred.

He aimed at the dragon's body, and pulled the trigger, making Nikoli gasp as he was shot right in the head. Then his body collapsed a second before Liquid did.

"Thanks for the tip". Liquid slurred as he lost consiousness.

This left Chris alone as he got to his feet, and quickly changed back into his own clothes. He then kicked Nikoli's body, and did a victory dance before untying Ada and Jill.

"Does this mean I saved everyone"? He asked as he put Ada into the speeder. "Of course it does"! "I am a hero who has triumphed over the evil Darth Nikoli, and this victory is just one more credit in the first national bank of awesome"!

He did a victory dance as he went to get Liquid, and after a few minutes of dragging, Liquid was laying in the speeder with the others.

Once this was done, Chris walked past the dragon's body, and lo and behold there was a starmp at the back of the cave. It pushed the wreckage from Liquid's swoop bike out of the way as it opened, and with a few taps of the old datapad, another map was downloaded.

Chris was so happy that he ran out of the cave, and tripped over one of the dragon's toes, making him eat sand as he slid to a stop. Then he jumped to his feet and brished himself off as he ran over to the speeder.

"Hi, Chris". Liquid said from in the driver's seat. "Where've you been"?

Chris was shocked not only by the fact that Liquid was awake, but also by how much better he looked after such a short period of time. He was no longer bleeding, and most of the bruises have healed.

"I was... um". He began. "Downloading the starmap".

"Glad to hear it". Liquid replied. "Now get in so we can get outa here".

"Are you sure you're ok to drive"?

"I just won the Tattooine season opener, dumbass". "I can drive anything anywhere". "Could you just, um... find the gear shift for me, my eyes really hurt".

Chris got in the passenger seat, and put the speeder in gear for him.

"Thanks". Liquid said as he started the engine. "I had the strangest dream... I dreamed that Ranbow Brite was fighting with a Sith lord, but that's just crazy".

"Uh... yeah". Chris replied.

Liquid hit the gas, and the speeder flew backwards into the cave wall.

"D for drive, Chris"! He yelled as he smacked him. "How can I trust you with my life if you can't even shift gears properly"?

His eyes were doing better now, so Liquid put the speeder into drive, and a second later they were flying back across the dune sea toward Anchorhead.


	38. Leaving The Desert

"So are we leaving Tattooine, now"? Chris asked as they reached Anchorhead.

"Almost". Liquid replied. "I just gotta make a few stops first".

After passing through the gate, Liquid pulled the speeder up to the swoop registration building, and killed the engine.

"Wait here". He said as he got out. "And Chris... why are there two passed out women in the back of this speeder"? "Hell, where did we even get this speeder in the first place"?

"Well, first we left Anchorhead, and my insatable bloodlust made me kill a man with his own droids". "Next we met some miners, but then we got kidnapped by the Sand People, and there were just too many for even my incredible kung-fu skills to handle while trying to protect the girls". "Anyway, the Sand People were terrified of me because I am the ancient enemy of their God, and I used my divine powers of awesome to destroy their homes so that we could escape". "Then the naked man with a cape danced around while singing about a dragon, but he got eaten before Darth Nikoli showed up and kicked everyone's asses". "So I fought him off until you came out of left field and killed the dragon with your swoop bike". "After that you shot him and we all drove back here together".

Liquid just looked at him for a second, and then patted him on the head.

"You know what you remind me of, Chris"? He asked.

"What"? Chris replied.

"You remind me of the guy who showed up after something happened, but made up a bunch of crazy shit like he had seen it, because he wanted to look cool". "Now I realize that this is not your fault, and that Jill will give me the real story as soon as she wakes up, so instead of beating you with one of those rocks over there, I'm just gonna go into this building and collect my winnings".

Chris could think of nothing to say as Liquid vanished into the swoop building. He had told the honest truth, but maybe it had been too much for him to handle. After all, Liquid had been in one hell of a swoop crash, so he must have thought that something that awesome could have only ben a dream.

"Yeah, that's it". Chris said to himself. "I just have to give him some time for his brain to finish recovering from the crash, and he'll be like: I'm sorry I doubted you, Chris". "And I'll be like: It's cool, Liquid". "And he'll be like: Such awesomness deserves to be rewarded, so I'm gonna let you drive the ship". "And I'll be like: Yeah, I figured as much". "And he'll

His rantings came to a stop as several blaster shots rang out. Then there was some screaming, and Liquid came running out of the building as some alarms went off. He was carrying a huge bag of credits, which he tossed into the back before getting into the driver's seat.

"What happened"? Chris asked as the engine fired up.

"Motta's dead". Liquid replied as he hit the gas. "Remember, I was with you out on the desert hunting wraids all day".

"You killed Motta"?

"No, dummy". "I was hunting desert wraids with you all day, remember"?

"I... um... guess so".

"Good, because we're gonna need that cover story".

Suddenly a dozen police speeders surrounded them, forcing Liquid to stop.

"Freeze"! The police chief yelled as they moved in. "Don't move, cocksuckers"! "Hey... aren't you the guy who won the swoop race today"? "Yeah, you're Liquid, aren't you"?

"Oh, thank God you're here"! Liquid yelled as he tossed a blaster to Chris. "I was collecting the winnings from today's swoop race, when this crazy asshole shot Motta and took all the credits"! "Then he said that he would kill me and my two swoop-groupies if I didn't drive his getaway speeder"!

"That's a lie"! Chris yelled.

"He's got a blaster"! The Chief replied. "Take him down"!

The cops took the blaster out of Chris's hand, before pulling him out of the speeder, and tossing him on the ground.

"It was horrible". Liquid continued as they started kicking Chris. "I was making out with both of these chicks at the same time, and this guy hits them in the head with his blaster, and he was like: You're in the wrong part of town, vatto". "And I was like: What's a vatto"? "And he was like: You better drive, mother fucker, because I'm a hardcore desperate criminal who gets his jollies from bringing chaos to good neighborhoods like this one".

"That's bullshit"! Chris yelled as they handcuffed him. "He's a lying cocksucker"!

The cops lifted him to his feet, and brought him over to the chief, who bitch slapped him.

"You little scumbag". He said. "Swoop racing is the national past time of this planet, and since Liquid is the champion, he automaticaly gets believed over nameless donkey fuckers like you". "And besides, my kids are gonna think I'm cool when they find out that not only did I save their favorite racer's life, but that I also got his autograph".

The cops punched Chris a few times in the stomach, before kicking him in the nuts and making him bend over the hood of the speeder.

"You're under arrest for being a lawbreaking dick-hole". The chief explained. "You have the right to remain silent, so you'd best keep your cock-holster shut, atleast until you meet your new cellmate". "You have the right to an attorney, and if you can't afford an attorney, then tough nuggies". "You also have the right to one phone call, and I recommend Tracy at 1-900-HOTLIPS". "Do you understand each of these rights as I've explained them to you"?

"No". Chris replied.

"Then we can't arrest you".

Suddenly the cops released him before returning to their speeders, and vanishing as quickly as they appeared.

"Good job, Chris". Liquid said. "You handled yourself like a pro, now let's get outa here".

Chris was still shaking as he got into the speeder, and Liquid drove them back toward the landing pad.

"What just happened"? He asked.

"Oh, the cops"? Liquid replied. "You see, Tattooine's got this new justice system where they put the rights of the criminal above the rights of the victim". "For example if a cop kicks down a door and finds the owner of the house having sex with three dead bodies, the killer gets to go free because the cop did not have a warrent to search the house, which was a violation of the sick killer's civil rights".

"What about the victim's rights"?

Liquid responded by laughing and patting Chris on the shoulder as they reached the Ebon Hawk.

"Ah, to be young and niave again". He said as the speeder stopped. "Ok, let's go".

The ramp lowered, and Liquid carried the bag of credits while letting Chris drag the girls onboard. The ramp started to close, and as their eyes adjusted they saw that the floor was covered with what looked like little balls of fluff.

"Leon"! Liquid yelled. "What the fuck, over"?

Leon came out of the kitchen wearing a chef's hat with apron, while trying to balance a frying pan as he stumbled through the fluff balls.

"What the hell is this"? Liquid asked.

"Isn't it awesome"? Leon replied. "This dude dropped them off right after the guy came for the box". "He said that they were the Tribbles that Chris ordered, and that's awesome because they multiply so fast that we will never have to buy food again". "And Barry takes care of the ones that go bad to fast".

They looked down the hall, and saw Barry moving on all fours, sucking the Tribbles into his mouth like a vacume cleaner.

"You're cooking them"? Liquid asked.

"Yeah, try one". Leon said.

He held out the frying pan, and Liquid grabbed one of the deep fried Tribbles. He took a bite, and after a few seconds of chewing he swallowed.

"Well"? Leon asked.

"That's pretty good". Liquid replied. "Make me four of them with some duck sauce, and have it sent to the cockpit". "And Chris, have Ashley put your data from the latest starmap into the computer".

Leon did a mock salute as Liquid walked toward the cockpit, and a second later his music began to play.

"Leon the mighty, master of the kitchen". He sang as he walked back to the kitchen. "So ya'll quit your bitchin". "He's the culinary master, who's also great with a blaster". "When your tummy starts to growl, there is not a need to scowl, just give old Leon a howl". "He's Leon... he's Leon the mighty".

Everyone was now onboard, and it was time to leave this miserable planet, so Liquid fired up the engines and tried to take off, but the ship wouldn't respond. Then a message started to flash on a monitor.

TAKE OFF ERROR:

EXIT RAMP NOT SECURED

"Damn it". He said to himself as he got up from the chair. "If it's not one thing, its another".

Since there was no one available who could possibly handle this job properly, Liquid left the cockpit in order to handle it himself. Of course he grumbled all the way back to the ramp, and after a second pull of the lever, it closed all the way and all was good. So he turned around, and walked right into a very scary looking droid.

"Query: Did you forget something"? HK-47 asked.

"What the fuck are you"? Liquid replied.

The droid growled as it backhanded him, making Liquid collapse to the floor.

"Qualification:". The droid said as it lifted him up by the throat. "This unit is programed to kick ass and chew bubblegum". "Addendum: And I just ran out of bubblegum".

Liquid screamed as it tossed him down the center hallway, where he crashed to the floor inside the engine room. The droid was on him before he could get up, and it once again picked him up before bashing his head into the wall.

"Query: You thought you could just abandon me, didn't you"? HK-47 asked as it kept bashing Liquid's head. "Mocking Query: Is that what's cool on the streets"? "Leaving your droid while you attempt to leave the planet without it"?

It went to bash his head again, but this time Liquid put his feet on the wall, and used his legs to push off, knocking the droid off balance. Then he spun around and punched the droid in the torso, before screaming as he held his hurt hand.

"Query: Are you serious"? The droid asked as it backhanded him to the floor. "Confident statement: My body is made of triple-plated durasteel, and could never be damaged by anyone named Chris".

"Chris"? Liquid asked. "I knew this was his fault"!

There was a half empty bottle of whiskey under the parts rack, so Liquid grabbed it and smashed it over the droid's head when it came to grab him. This seemed to distract it for a moment as the alcohol covered its head, so Liquid jumped up and activated his Lightsaber.

He swung the blade, but the droid caught his wrists, and squeezed, making Liquid drop the Lightsaber as he was brought to his knees.

"Statement: Bad move, master". HK-47 said as he backhanded him. "Addendum: This will hurt you more than it does me".

He kept hitting Liquid again and again, but then the whiskey got into the droid's eyes, and it had to stop to wipe them off. Once this was done, it's eyes focused on Liquid before releasing him.

"Retraction: I believe that there has been a mistake". HK-47 said as Liquid fell over. "Statement: As much as I have enjoyed pummeling your Meatbag ass, it appears that the dirt on my occular sensors has caused me to mistake you for my master". "Query: Do you know anyone named Chris"?

Liquid pointed down the hall, and the droid walked away as he pulled himself to his feet. But then the droid was struck by a purple energy beam that caused it to collapse in a matter of seconds.

"Beep-boop-de-dwoo". T3M4 said as it rolled into the engine room.

"Not that I'm ungrateful". Liquid replied. "But where were you when that thing was beating my ass"?

"Dwoop-bop-beep-dwoop-dwoooo".

"Oh, you wanted to make sure that I didn't bring it on myself, huh"?

"Beep".

"Fine, just erase that things last hour or so of memory, and put it in one of the storage rooms or something".

T3M4 rolled over to HK-47 and started dragging it down another hall, as Liquid stumbled his way back toward the cockpit. Then he sat in the chair, and fired up the engines as Leon brought in the deep fried Tribbles.

"And here you are". He said as he set the plate down. "Four deep fried Tribbles with duck sauce just like you wanted".

"Thanks, Leon". Liquid replied as he took the plate. "And good news, this means that I've decided not to kill you".

"Awesome". "Life's more fun when you're alive".

Leon whistled his theme song as he left the cockpit, and Liquid turned his attention back to the ship as it left the landing pad, and shot back into space.


	39. Sith Action

On the Sith warship, it seemed that staring out into space was the only thing that Darth Wesker ever did. Atleast that was what Admiral Saul Karath was thinking as he once again walked across the bridge in order to address his dark master.

"Lord Wesker". He said. "I have

Wesker responded to this by backhanding him, making him fall to the floor.

"You know, Admiral". He said. "The narrator says that you think all I ever do is stare out this window while everyone else busts their asses working to please me". "Now even though this is true, one of the perks of being in charge is that I don't have to put up with anyone's bullshit, especially your's".

"Of course not, lord Wesker". Karath replied as he stood up.

"WHO SAID YOU COULD GET UP"?

He knocked the Admiral down again, and laughed at his misfortune.

"So". He said as he stopped laughing. "You want to make decisions for yourself now, huh"? "Do you wanna be daddy"? "Do you wanna wear the daddy pants"?

Karath started to say something, but Wesker slapped him.

"You know, Karath". Wesker continued. "It's lonely at the top, because everyone just wants to judge you". "And if they don't want to judge you, then they want something from you, and in either case the punishment is death". "What I'm tryin to say is that there is alot more to me that just the ultimate lord of the Sith, and I wish that people would care enough to find it".

He stood there for a second as if deeply sad, but then he smirked and burst out laughing.

"Yeah, I almost did it with a streight face". He said. "Truth is that I'm just another twisted and evil run of the mill Sith lord who gets off in doing evil". "So what did you want, Karath"?

"It's about the Starforge, my lord". Karath replied as he got up.

"Ah, the Starforge". "Don't tell me that the main characters of this story have already progressed far enough for us to discuss it openly"?

"I'm afraid so, my lord". "In fact they are doing so well that there is no rist of a spoiler to this story for me to tell you that the Starforge is operating at two hundred percent capacity".

"Really, that much"? "Cool... I'm not going to tell the readers exactly what that means yet, but it is enough to say that I almost don't have to worry about weither or not Nikoli captures his targets or not". "And speaking of Nikoli... has anyone heard from him lately"?

Admiral Karath suddenly turned grim.

"Lord Wesker". He said. "We have just recieved word that Darth Nikoli has been killed on Tattooine". "He was apparently shot in the head, and left to rot in the desert next to a dead dragon".

"Oh well, he was a dick anyway". Wesker replied. "Any important news"?

Karath was about to say something, but then Wesker's phone started to go off.

"Hold on". He said as he took it off his belt. "It looks like I'm recieving a picture message". "I just hate how long it takes AT&T phones to download anything, but thankfully I have all these cool apps to keep me busy".

"Apps like what"? Karath asked.

"Like the sound effects from Super Mario Brothers". "Check this out".

He pushed a few buttons, and then when he jumped up, his phone played the jumping sound effect from the original Mario game.

"Isn't that just awesome"? Wesker asked. "And I got one for those old magic 8 ball things that you can customise to say anything you want". "All of mine say that I am correct, no matter what kind of crazy bullshit I come up with".

"That is pretty cool". Karath replied. "Can I get a phone like that"?

"Hell no". "Phone like this are only for Sith lords, while worthless lackeys like you are stuck with Sprint, you fucking loser".

Suddenly the picture finished downloading, and Wesker laughed when he saw Chris in the Rainbow Brite costume.

"Hey Karath, check this out". He said. "Looks like Nikoli was up to his sick and twisted ways right up until the end".

Admiral Karath looked at the picture and joined Wesker in laughter, but then he stopped.

"Um... lord Wesker". He said. "Can we zoom in on the face"?

"Oh, I get it". Wesker replied as he zoomed with the face tracker. "We should put this clown up all over the internet, right"? "Good thinking, Adm...

He stopped talking as a closeup of Chris's face came into view. Then he dropped the phone, and he and Admiral Karath just looked at eachother for a second.

"Tell me what I just saw, Karath". Wesker said.

"I... uh... um". Karath replied.

"How is this possible"? "No, it's not possible at all, is it"? "Pick up my phone and take another look at that face".

Admiral Karath picked up the phone from the floor, and looked at the screen for a second.

"Well"? Wesker asked.

Admiral Karath responded to the question by fainting on the floor, and then Wesker kicked him.

"HOW DARE YOU FAINT LIKE A WOMAN AT A TIME LIKE THIS"? He screamed. "Now tell me what you saw"! "Was it him or not"?

He had to look at the screen one more time just to make sure, but then Karath swallowed hard as he looked back up at Wesker and nodded.

"Bring up my starcharts"! Wesker yelled.

A second later the forward viewscreen was dominated by a gigantic map of the galaxy that looked remarkably like the one inside of the starmaps.

"Ok, Dog fought them on Korriban". He said as he touched it, illuminating the planet. "And Nikoli just encountered them on Tattooine...

Tattooine was also illuminated, and then Wesker touched the planet Kashyyyk.

"This is where they will go next". He said. "The time has come for us to deal with this problem personally... so here is what we are going to do...

"Liquid"? Jill asked as she entered the cockpit. "Liquid, are you up here"?

He was asleep on the controls again, so she pulled one of his neck hairs, and quickly jumped back as he started swinging wildly into the air.

"Liquid". She said as he calmed down. "It's time to plan our next move".

"Good luck with that". Liquid replied as he leaned back in the chair. "I'm sure you'll do what's best for the crew".

"Don't you want to know what we are planning next"?

"No, what I want is an empty ship so that I can actually get some piece and quiet around here". "But that reminds me, I gotta see Chris about something".

He got out of the chair, and walked into the center chamber where everyone was gathered. But instead of joing them he backhanded Chris, and grabbed him by the hair in order to force him into the cargo hold.

"Explain something to me, you little dipshit". He said as they walked into the room. "What the fuck is that"?

Chris looked in the direction that he was pointing, and saw T3M4 working on HK-47.

"Oh, that". Chris replied. "That's my HK protocol droid".

"Where did you get it, and why did it kick my ass while it was looking for you"?

"I got it on Tattooine". "I guess it might have been mad because I forgot it after we got the starmap".

"You guess, huh"? "That thing nearly beat me to death, so allow me to teach you the importance of command and control over your God damn machines".

He suddenly kneed Chris in the nuts, before punching him in the mouth, and booting him in the ass once he had spun around.

"Don't you think you should mention things like that"? Liquid asked as Chris ate the floor. "In case of, oh, I don't know, your droid going crazy and trying to kill us"? "I mean, Christ what in the cherry covered hell do they teach you kids in school these days"?

"I'm sorry"! Chris replied. "It just kinda slipped my mind during the robbery and my arrest"! "If you hadn't had the entire police department kicking my ass, I could have remembered"!

"Oh, excuses, huh"? "T3, teach him a lesson"! "We can't have him going around blaming others for his own personal character flaws, now can we"?

The little droid rolled past Liquid, and right up to Chris. Then a panel opened, causing a spring loaded boxing glove to slam into Chris's face, which made him scream as he hit the floor again.

"Beep-boop-beep-do-dweep-bwooooo". T3M4 said as it rolled over Chris's hand on its way to the center chamber.

"Right, T3". Liquid replied. "I couldn't have said it better myself".

"What did he say"? Chris asked.

"You don't wanna know, but the only reason its not happening is because it usually takes about a week to clean up an airlock after an implosion like that".

He kicked Chris one more time, and then walked back toward the center chamber.

"Let's go, Chris". He said from the other room. "If you're gonna be a douchbag, you could atleast be a punctual one".

It took Chris a second to get up, and then he walked toward the center chamber.


	40. The Road To Kashyyyk

"Oh, look everyone". Jill said as Chris entered the room. "Chris has finally decided to join us, so I think its ok for us to start the meeting".

"You should control your people better". Liquid replied.

"What do you mean, my people"? "Its your fault that he's late in the first place".

"I don't think so, Jill". "This ship and its operations are my responsibility, whereas the dipshits that reside on the ship are all yours". "And as the leader of this mission, that makes it your fault that he was late, so what the fuck, Jill"? "Why are your people showing up late to meetings on my ship"?

Jill was at a loss for words as everyone looked at her. Had she really been such a bad leader that her people thought that they could just go off and do whatever?

"Hold on a second". She said. "I'm the leader of this mission, and that means that I will be the one doing the ass-chewing". "But instead of yelling today, I am going to try a new approach to communicating with your half retarded asses".

"What do you mean"? Chris asked.

"Well, during my Jedi training, we would sometimes use the hat exercise in order to properly convey whatever feeling or emotion would best suit the situation".

Everyone was obviously confused by this. They all just looked at eachother while shrugging, and Jill just rolled her eyes at them.

"The hat exercise". She explained. "Is where you imagine that the emotion you need for your current situation is a hat that you can put on in order to remain focused". "For example, since we are all trying to get along, during these meetings we all need to put on our diplomatic hat". "Got it"?

"Oh, we musta got those while I was swoop racing". Liquid replied. "Leon, go get my diplomatic hat for me, would ya"?

"Uh... ok". Leon said. "Where is it"?

"I don't know". "Probably in the cockpit somewhere".

"No, no". Jill interupted. "You guys don't seem to understand". "Its only a metaphorical hat".

Everyone just looked at her.

"Make up your fucking mind". Liquid said. "Scratch that, Leon". "Get me my metaphorical hat".

"Do I get one, too"? Chris asked.

"No, I get one because this is my ship". "You gotta earn your metaphorical hat".

"SHUT UP"! Jill screamed.

The whole room got quiet all the sudden when they saw that Jill's face was completely red, and it almost looked like steam was eminating from her body.

"Forget the hats". She said as she tried to calm down. "It was just an exercise that was supposed to make it easier for all of us to comminucate, but I underestimated the level of stupidity on this ship". "So let's try this another way".

She had to think for a minute. It was important that a team like this was able to communicate with eachother and be more like a family than a bunch of random jackoff's who got stuck together by crazy twists of fate.

That was it!

"Ok, I got it". Jill said. "It has come to my attention that not all of us know eachother as well as I'd like, and since fimiliarity is important to the success of any team, how about we all go around the room and tell the group about ourselves"?

Everyone just looked around at eachother again.

"I'll start". She continued. "I was found to be force-sensitive at a young age, so the Jedi took me from my family because for some reason they think that's an ok thing to do". "I spent the next several years in training, and then I got to use my battle meditation against the Sith for awhile before I got hooked up with you losers". "Oh yeah, I was also instrumental in the defeat of Darth Revan, so let's see any of you guys beat that".

Next up was Ada.

"I spent most of my youth in a gang". Ada began. "We did fun stuff like beating up homeless people, and selling rich kids into slavery, but then I got arrested and the judge told me that I could either go to prison or join the Jedi". "So I spent a few years doing their bullshit before I killed my bitch of a master, and then I met you guys".

"I'm from Kashyyyk". Barry said. "I got kicked out for some bad shit that went down, then I hung out with Ashley on Taris for awhile, and then Craig saved my life on Taris". "Its funny how the galaxy works".

"I'm from the lower city of Taris". Ashley began. "My family ditched me because they didn't want to take care of me anymore, but they all got blown up with the planet and I'm still alive, so how's that for karma"? "Anyway I spent a year or so as a prostitute, but then I found Barry sleeping in a dumpster and we started robbing people until we met Chris".

Only Chris, Liquid, and Leon were left, but none of them were speaking up, so Jill just pointed at the closest one to her who happened to be Leon.

"Uh... I'm Leon". He said as he started to sweat. "I'm not very good at... um... interviews, and... uh... sometimes I get stage fright, and I have to

He put his hand over his mouth and ran for the bathroom. The door closed behind him and a second later there was the sound of Leon losing his lunch.

"Let's just move on". Jill said. "Chris, tell us about yourself".

Chris stepped forward while starting to sweat just as bad as Leon. He started to say something, but then he ran for the bathroom, and as the door closed he could be heard losing his lunch.

"Aw, gross, dude"! Leon yelled. "What the hell"?

"Sorry, Leon". Chris replied. "I didn't see you there".

"Ok, great". Jill said. "Liquid, I don't suppose that you want to tell us about yourself"?

"No, not really". He replied.

"Fine, let's just plan our next move then". "We have already recovered the data from the starmaps on Korriban and Tattooine, and now we have to decide between Kashyyyk and Manaan".

She walked over to the map screen, and illuminated the two remaining planets by touching them.

"Manaan is ninety-nine percent covered in water". She said as a blue planet came into view. "The only exposed land on the surface is Ahto city, which is an artificial environment that the natives use for trade with off worlders".

She touched the other planet, and the blue of Manaan was replaced with the dark green of Kashyyyk.

"Kashyyyk is one giant forest". She explained. "The inhabitants live in the upper reaches of the trees that are several miles high, and only Czerka corporation is known to have a presence there".

"So which one do you want"? Liquid asked.

"Well... I've never been to either planet". "Which one do you guys want"?

"There's another swoop racing circuit on Manaan". "But those fish-people kinda give me the creeps".

"I'm from Kashyyyk". Barry said. "Its a great place, but things kinda suck since Czerka moved in".

"We can deal with Czerka". Ada replied. "But I'm really not in the mood for fish-people".

Everyone seemed to agree with her, so the choice seemed obvious.

"Ok, we go to Kashyyyk". Jill said. "We can deal with the fish-people afterwards". "Ready... break".

Everyone walked to their designated parts of the ship as the meeting ended, including Liquid who returned to his chair in the cockpit.

"Beep-boop". T3M4 said as he sat down.

"Kashyyyk". Liquid replied as he started pushing buttons. "Some kind of big stupid forest full of backwards imbred hicks or something".

"Bop-dwoop-beep".

"No, doesn't sound like much of a place for droids". "Thanks for stealing that replacement swoop bike for me while I was racing on Tattooine, by the way". "Now I can compete on the Manaan circuit as well".

"Beep-do-dwoooo-bop".

"I'm sure you can find stuff to do on the ship". "You could finish up work on that psycho droid, or you could hang with me since I don't plan on exploring a forest world either".

He hit the final button, and the stars stretched out as the Ebon Hawk entered hyperspace.

In the misty haze, a starmap could be seen opening up at the base of a large tree in a very dark forest. There was also something that looked like macheniery as everything faded to black.


	41. Czerka Landing Pad

Once again the ship was dark when Chris awoke. So he got out of bed, and immediatly ate the floor after slipping on some Tribbles.

No matter how fast Leon and Barry were making them into food, there always seemed to be more of them. Sure this meant having an infinite supply of food, but the things were just so damn annoying. I mean, it was almost like he needed a snow shovel in order to move from room to room.

Yes, by this time the there were so many Tribbles on the ship, that it was like wading through waist deep water.

Suddenly something moved at the end of the hall.

Chris looked at the spot that had moved, but there was nothing there. So he took a few more steps, but then it moved again.

It stopped moving as soon as Chris did, but now he was certain that he was not alone. There was definitly something else there with him, and it seemed to be hiding under the Tribbles.

"Hello"? Chris asked.

Suddenly the theme from Jaws began to play as something could be seen moving under the Tribbles. It was coming right toward him, and then the music got louder as a shark fin appeared on the surface.

"OH SHIT"! He screamed as he turned to run away.

His running was more like clumsily fighting his way toward the center chamber where he would be able to stand on a table or something, but the shark fin was getting closer and it was moving alot faster than he was.

"Oh God, no"! He yelled. "I don't wanna be shark food"!

But it was too late.

The shark fin had reached him, and Chris let out a glass shattering scream as the great beast rose from the depths and...

"Hi Craig"! Barry yelled.

The music stopped as Chris looked at him. He was wearing a wetsuit and swim goggles, with a fake shark fin on his back.

"Barry"? He asked as he calmed down. "What the hell are you doing"?

"I'm Tribble-diving". Barry replied. "I got an extra pair of goggles if you wanna join me". "I asked Ashley, but she was already going muff-diving with Jill and Ada, so I guess its just us".

"Well... it sounds like fun, but... did you say muff-diving"?

"Yeah, but this is probably more fun... oh and you gotta be careful, Craig".

"Why"?

"Because these waters are infested with Tribble sharks".

"Tribble sharks"? "Oh, whatever".

"I'm serious, Craig". "Twenty-nine kids go into the water... twenty-eight kids come out of the water... the ice cream man usually takes the rest".

"Barry, there are no such things as Tribble sharks".

"Oh yeah"? "Then what's that"?

Suddenly a giant shark leapt out from under the Tribbles, and Chris screamed as it took him under.

"I tried to warn him". Barry said.

"Ah, don't worry about it". Chief Broady replied. "I spent years tryin to warn people, but they never listen... you wanna get a beer or something"?

"Chris, wake up"! A voice yelled.

He opened his eyes just in time to see a bucket of water coming at his face, but it didn't register until it was too late. And the water was very cold, making him scream as he rolled his soaked ass onto the floor.

The lights in the ship were now on, and everyone seemed to be moving around as Chris sat up against the bed.

"What is your chidhood trauma"? Liquid asked as he tossed the empty bucket away. "Every damn day, Chris". "I swear you're worse then that rooster my parents used to have".

(FLASHBACK)

All was quiet on the planet Telos, and a much younger Liquid was just getting into bed after another night of wild and misspent youth.

He laid his head on the pillow, and was just getting to sleep, when his bedroom window was thrown open. Suddenly music began to play as the first rays of sunlight appeared in the distance.

"Cockadoo, what a day"! A rooster sang as it perched on the windowsil. "The sun is shining brightly"! "Cockadoo, sunny day"! "Down here on the farm"! "Cockadoo, stay away"! "You big old wet old rain cloud, or I'll sing out loud with this voice of mine"!

Liquid tried to cover his head with the pillow, but nothing seemed to stop it. So he opened his bloodshot eyes, and started to get out of bed. Then he opened his closet and began to search for something.

"Sun do shine"! The other animals outside sang. "Sun do shine, you better shine"! "Sun do shine, sun do shine, you better shine"!

"Well, my daddy taught me how to sing"! The rooster continued. "And that's why this voice means everything"! "Cockadoo, what a

He was interupted as Liquid returned from the closet with a nine-iron, and bashed the rooster over the head with it.

"SHUT UP"! Liquid screamed as he continued beating the animal. "SHUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUP"!

(FLASHFORWARD)

"But Liquid, you don't understand"! Chris yelled as he stood up. "In my dream there was muff diving, and sharks, and the ice cream man took the kids, and the Tribbles were

He was stopped as Liquid slapped him.

"I don't care". He replied. "The only dreams of yours I'm interested in are locations of starmaps... how do you know those locations, anyway"?

"Oh, well that's because I... have no idea". "Wow, that's really starting to freak me out".

"Did you see it or not"?

"What"? "Oh yeah, it was at the bottom of a tree in a big forest".

"Well, thanks for narrowing it down, Chris". "That information would normally be priceless, if not for the fact that THIS ENTIRE PLANET IS ONE BIG FUCKING FOREST"!

He kicked Chris in the nuts, and then started walking back toward the cockpit. This left Chris to get up and hobble his way toward the maproom where everyone else was waiting.

"You ready, Chris"? Jill asked. "Let's go".

"Go where"? He replied.

"You would know the answer to that if you hadn't slept through the whole meeting, jackass". "But now you will just have suffer through not knowing what's going on... well, I guess that's normal for you, huh"?

"What"?

"MOVE YOUR ASS, CHRIS"!

He followed Jill, Barry, and Ashley over to the ramp, and they exited the ship into the largest forest that Chris had ever seen.

The trees themselves were bigger around than houses, and the landing pad appeared to have been built in the upper branches of them, while the bottoms could not be seen as Chris looked over the edge.

He swallowed hard as he moved away from the edge. This time he would be tougher and braver than on the last planet, and Jill was going to be so impressed with his improvement that she would fall to her knees and suck him off right in front of everybody.

"Hi". A brown haired woman said, making him jump. "I am Administrator Zelda, and on behalf of Czerka Corporation, allow me to be the first to welcome you to the planet Hyrule".

"Hyrule"? Chris asked. "I thought this was Kashyyyk".

"Hyrule was chosen in a vote taken by the stockholders for this sector of space". "It used to be called something else by the ignorant savages of this world, but who cares what they think, right"?

"But... if the planet already has a name... shouldn't it get to keep it"?

Suddenly Zelda grabbed him by the shirt, and pulled him over to the edge of the landing pad. Then she held him so that he would fall if she let go, making him scream and cry like a little bitch.

"Shut the fuck up". She ordered. "Are you one of those activists who are all about the rights and freedoms of backwards heithen cultures"? "Because if you are, I should just chuck your ass over the edge right now... and believe me when I say that it's a LONG way down".

"I'm not"! Chris yelled. "I'm not an activist, I swear"!

"Good, because Czerka Corporation is in charge here, and that's why I will allow your ship to grace my landing pad for the low, low price of everything in your pockets". "And I'll even throw in sparing your life as a bonus, so hand it over".

Chris quickly searched his pockets for the small amount of credits that he still had, and was all to eager to hand it over.

"Thank you". Zelda said as she pocketed the credits. "Czerka Corporation appreciates your business, now keep your nose clean, or we'll have to add you to the inventory of slaves that we export from this world".

She pulled him away from the edge, and allowed him to fall onto the landing pad as she walked away.

"Way to go, Chris". Jill said as he got up. "We aren't here for more than a minute, and already you wanna start your hippie bullshit with Czerka, huh"?

"I'm sorry". He replied. "But I just don't think that they have the right to rename the planet and sell its inhabitants as slaves".

"Great, so what's next"? "You gonna change your name to Moonbeam, and start singing about the summer of love"?

"Yeah, what the hell, Chris"? Ashley asked. "We can't find the starmap if you spend all day tryin to stick your nose in everyone's business".

Chris had nothing left to say as Jill and Ashley started down the walkway that lead away from the landing pad, but Barry stopped him as he tried to follow.

"Uh... Craig". He said. "Can I talk to ya for a second"?

"Sure, Barry". Chris replied. "What's up"?

"Uh... remember how I told ya that I was from here"? "Well, I got thrown out over some bullshit with Czerka, and I don't know how my people are gonna react to seein me".

"What do you mean, react"?

"I mean there might be a small possibility of, um, a slight chance of us gettin stoned to death in public square".

"WHAT"?

"Shhh, not so loud, Craig".

"What happened"? "Why would your people want us to be stoned to death"?

Barry was silent for a second.

"Well, ya see". He explained. "I found out that my evil cousin was helping Czerka sell our people into slavery, so I tried to beat him to death with a rock, but my good cousin stopped me because no one ever believes that bad people are really bad until its too late". "So I got kicked out and I was on Taris ever since".

"You got exiled to Taris"? Chris asked.

"They gave me a choice". "It was Taris, or Trenton, New Jersey... so I made the obvious choice".

"Yeah... Trenton, ewww".

"Well, thanks for listening, Craig". "Let's catch up with the girls".

The girls were already out of sight, so Chris and Barry continued down the long walkway until they came to a small shop on the corner where two men were standing.

"Welcome, friends". The owner said as he put his arms around them. "I am Salmonious, and today is your lucky day because you are about to get the deal of a lifetime on my fine merchandise". "And you will be happy to know that I accept credits, checks, visa cards, and indefinite periods of bonded servitude as methods of payment". "Isn't that right, Matton"?

"Fuck you, Sal". The other man replied. "You're such a douchebag".

"Oh, don't listen to him". "You see, his crew forgot him here after they skipped out on the bill for the parts I gave them".

"So...". Chris began. "Slavery is ok everywhere on this planet"?

"SLAVERY BAD"! Barry screamed.

Suddenly he grabbed Salmonious, and lifted him over his head before tossing him off the walkway.

"Holy crap"! Chris yelled as the merchant vanished into the darkness.

"YES"! Matton yelled as he jumped up. "I am so outa here"!

Matton took off running for one of the other landing pads, while Chris and Barry tried their best to sneak away before anyone noticed what happened.

Soon they reached the end of the walkway, where a large administration office had been carved into one of the largest trees. And in this office, Zelda was supervising a bunch of people in cages, who looked kinda like Barry.

"And finally, number five hundred and thirty one". She said as she looked at the last one.

She signed her name on the bottom of the form, and the man screamed as she stapled it to his head. Then a machine picked up the cages, and took them away.

"What is going on here"? Chris demanded as they walked in.

"Oh, its you". Zelda replied. "What is your problem this time"?

"My problem is that you people are kidnapping the poor innocent natives of this world, and selling them into bonded servitude on Nar Shadda or something".

"Yeah, you're one to talk". "If the slave trade is so evil, then why to you have one of the poor innocent bastards with you"?

"What"? "Oh, Barry". "He's not a slave, he has sworn a lifedebt to me".

Zelda just looked at him for a second.

"And how did you pull that one off"? She asked. "Of course, it would make them easier to control I suppose".

Barry suddenly ripped an air conditioning unit out of the wall, and tossed it across the room.

DO NOT DEMEAN THE LIFEDEBT"! He screamed as he started toward her. "CRAIG SAVED MY LIFE"!

It looked like he was going to kill her, but then Zelda picked up a spray bottle and shot him in the face with it a few times. This made him run away and hide behind Chris.

"Look, I got alot of work to do". She said. "So why don't you two hippies go hug some trees or something on the other side of the forest"?

"You can't get away with this"! Chris yelled. "I will not rest until slavery is abolished from this world, and all sentient life forms are treated with the same amount of

He was interupted as Zelda picked up her staple gun and started shooting it at them. This made them flail their arms about as they tried to avoid them.

"Get out"! She yelled as she kept firing. "Get out"! "Get out"! "GET OUT"!

They ran out the office door, and started down another walkway where they ran until spotting Jill and Ashley waiting next to a large wooden door.

"Well, its about fucking time". Jill said. "Where the hell have you two been"?

"We saved a man from bonded servitude". Chris explained. "Then we challenged the evils of slavery, and fought for equal rights of all sentient life".

"Great, Chris". Ashley replied. "Barry, where have you guys been"?

"We hung out with Zelda". Barry said. "She's hot".

Chris started to protest, but Jill slapped him.

"So". She said. "Not only do you start shit with the person running this planet, but now you wanna try to hit that shit too, huh"?

"Well... I wouldn't say no". He replied. "But that's not what

"SHUT UP, CHRIS"! "God damn it, we are here on an important mission for the Jedi council, not so that you can try to get your rocks off"! "Or did you forget that the Jedi code forbids you to have sex"?

"That is the gayest shit I ever heard"! "That's why all the Jedi are a bunch of condecending prick-monsters, and maybe Liquid was right about them"! "In fact I think that

His speech was interupted as Jill grabbed the front of his pants, and yanked them up as hard as she could. This made Chris's face turn red as his eyes began to water.

"That's better". Jill said as she let go. "Now while you two knob-slobbers were off fooling around, Ashley and I got some information that might be useful". "All we gotta do is go out this door and follow the bigger than usual walkway until we reach a place called Kakariko village".

She turned to the large door and opened it, making Chris fall on his ass as it hit him in the face.

"Barry, help him". Ashley said as she followed Jill through.

"Come on, Craig". Barry said as he helped him up.

"She melvined me". Chris whimpered as they walked through the door.


	42. The Great Walkway

"Beep-bop-dweep-bwoop-dwoop". T3M4 said as Liquid walked into the workshop.

"I know you don't like to be disturbed when you're working". He replied. "But how is it coming along"?

Ever since leaving Tattooine, T3M4 had been hard at work trying to repair all the damage that had been caused to HK-47 over the years. Hopefully once it stopped malfunctioning so bad, it would be a much more useful and safe to have around kind of droid.

"Dweep-beep-da-dwooo". The droid continued.

"I know its tough, but think of it like this". "As long as you're in here working, Jill and the others can't demand that you go explore these stupid ass planets, right"?

"Dwooo-beep".

"Well, screw you then".

Liquid didn't listen to the droid's last coments as he left the workshop, and headed for the kitchen.

"Leon". He said as he reached the door. "I'm bored. let's go do

An explosion from the oven knocked him back into the hallway, and a second later Leon screamed as he ran out completely covered in Tribbles.

"What the fuck"? Liquid asked.

"Liquid, help"! Leon yelled as he fell to the floor. "The Tribbles are rebelling"!

"So eat them".

"I have been, but if I take another bite I'm gonna throw up"! "There's too many, and I think they wanna cook me"!

Suddenly the Tribbles started to drag him back into the kitchen.

"NO"! Leon screamed. "I don't wanna be deep-fried"!

"Alright, I'll help you". Liquid said. "Just don't go anywhere".

He walked down the hall to where the armory was. Then he picked up a stun grenade, and pulled the pin as he walked back to the kitchen.

"Here you go, Leon". Liquid said as he tossed it into the room. "Don't say I never gave you nothin".

There was a bright flash of light as Liquid walked away, and then everything was quiet as he reached the center chamber.

However this peace was stopped as Ada stormed into the room, and tossed a small black device against the wall, shattering it.

"Hello to you, too". He said.

"Don't hello me, pig fucker". She replied. "I just found ANOTHER camera in my showerhead, so do you have anything to say for yourself"?

"Yeah, maybe I should start putting them in the drain".

Suddenly Ada used the force to send him flying across the room, where he slammed into the wall and hit the floor.

"I can't stand people like you". She said as she walked toward him. "If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee".

"If I was your husband, I'd drink it". Liquid replied as he got up. "Now I don't like to hit a lady, but I'll beat a bitch's ass, so take this".

He came at her with a punch, but she grabbed his arm and twisted her body sideways, making him hit the floor again. She started to say something, but his foot came up and hit her in the mouth, making her stumble back as he got to his feet.

Ada started toward him again, but he drew both of his blasters, making her stop in her tracks.

"Blasters"? She asked as she reached for her Lightsaber. "Boy are you in...

She stopped talking as she discovered that her Lightsaber was not on her belt.

"I took it from you when you hip-slung me". Liquid explained. "And don't try to use the force because I'm immune to mind tricks, and the hair-triggers on these blasters might go off if you try to throw me".

"Hey, Liquid". Leon said as he ran into the room. "Thanks for

He then tripped over some of the leftover dirty laundry, and fell on Liquid, making them both fall on the floor as the blasters flew from his hands. This allowed Ada to call her Lightsaber back to her hand with the force, and hold the blade at both of their throats before they could even do anything.

"Thanks alot, Leon". Liquid said.

"Anytime, Liquid". He replied. "Um... for what"?

"Shut up, both of you". Ada ordered. "Now if you two deep-throats wanna stay alive, there are gonna be a few changes on this ship starting right now".

"Bweep-boop-beep-dwooooo". T3M4 said as it rolled quickly into the room. "Bweep-doop-be

It rolled right into Ada's legs, making her fall forward. She and Liquid then began to fight over the Lightsaber as T3M4 continuiously beeped his message.

"Not now, we're busy"! Liquid yelled as they fought for the weapon. "Wait a second, WHAT?

The little droid started to say something, but then it was knocked out of the way as HK-47 walked into the room, and aimed its blaster rifle at all of them.

"Greeting: Hello bitches". The droid said. "Request: Please try your best to remain still, because my blaster rifle has this nasty habit of going off when it senses movement".

After leaving the landing area, Chris and the others found themselves on a walkway that was easily as large as any city street. However it was not half as well maintained as the smaller ones, meaning that they had to hack through vines and keep watch for spots that were not exactly safe to step on.

"Ah, there's nothin like home". Barry said as he pulled some vines out of the way.

"Thank God for that". Jill replied as she squashed a misquito the size of a tennis ball.

They continued battling the forces of nature for a few more minutes, and then the walkway split off into two different directions.

"Alright, let's split up". Jill said. "Barry, Ashley, and myself will take the right path, while Chris will take the left one".

Chris looked at the two paths for a second. The right path seemed to be clear of danger, with sunlight and the sound of chirping birds. The left path however, was covered with overgrown vegitation complete with creepy swamp-mist and an oncoming thunderstorm.

"Uh... why don't we stick together"? He asked. "There's probably nothing down the left path at all".

"Is that a fact"? Ashley asked. "So that must mean that you've been to this planet before, right"?

"Well actually, I was just... no".

"Then how can you possibly know what is down the left path"?

Chris was starting to sweat. He really didn't want to go down that path, but if he didn't come up with a good excuse...

"Barry"! He exclaimed. "Tell them that there's nothing down that path, ok"?

"I don't know, Craig". Barry replied. "We were always told to stay away from there".

"And there you have it". Jill said. "No one has been down there before, so there is bound to be something important, right"?

"But it might not be safe". Chris argued. "I mean, if the natives stay away from it, then I think we should trust their judgement, right"?

"Oh please, Chris". "The stupid backwards inhabitants of this world probably just avoid it because they don't want to offend one of their silly little Gods or something". "Just like that bullshit about not eating meat on Friday or something".

"Well, shouldn't we respect their traditions"? "You know, the whole diplomatic hat thing"?

"Oh, now you understand that hat exercise, huh"? "Well, you're about a day late and a credit short, my friend". "So get your ass moving down that path or I'll cut off your tiny little balls with my Lightsaber".

"But can't we just

His words were stopped as Ashley kicked him in the nuts. She then spun him around and booted him in the ass, making Chris scream as he fell forward right onto the downward ramp that began the left path.

He tumbled through vines and bushes before hitting the bottom of the ramp with a hard THUD. He was going to climb back up, but then he gasped as the trees closed in, completely blocking his exit.

"Well, doesn't that just beat all"? He asked as he sat up.

The thunderstorm was now close enough for it to start raining as Chris got to his feet, and after a minute or so of shaking pine needles off of himself, he quietly began walking down the path.

"Its just a path". He said to himself. "There is nothing here that is not on the rest of the planet, so there is nothing to be afraid of". "That's right, just a path". "Its just a path".

Suddenly his foot hit something, and he screamed as he looked down to see a dead man who had been completely turned inside out. And next to the body was some words that he had apparently been carved into the walkway before he died.

They said:

ITS NOT JUST A PATH

Chris's whole body was now shaking from fear, and another thunder crash was all it took to send him running down the path while screaming like he was on fire.

He slipped a few times as the wood became wet, and ate the walkway a few times after tripping on some vines, but eventually he came to a section of the walkway that was free of plants.

There didn't seem to be anything behind him, so he stopped running in order to catch his breath. But that's when he noticed something strange about this part of the walkway.

The storm was coming on stronger now, and in the lightning flashes he could see that someone had made large paintings on some of the large trees that ran along the path. The first one was of someone falling forward while their swoop bike was launched backwards.

"Wow". He said. "That kinda reminds me of something".

He moved over to the next painting, and it was of two men tied up on the ground, apparently the prisoners of a bunch of midgets or something. And the third painting was of three men each exploring what looked like a different cave or temple or something.

"These are really good". Chris said as he moved to the next one. "I wish I knew what they reminded me of".

The fourth painting showed a man in women's clothing fighting a bigger man in front of a dragon, and the last painting showed the head of a large scary were-wolf looking creature that could be seen sticking out from behind some trees.

Chris was about to say something about it, but then he heard a growling sound from behind, and the color drained out of his face as he turned around to see the same creature that was in the painting.

"Come any closer". It said as lightning flashed. "And I will rip you to shreads".

"Not a problem". Chris replied as he stepped back.

"Ah, good... a coward". "I am Gmork, and you... whoever you are... shall have the honor of being the first meal that I've had in hundreds of years".

Gmork stepped out from behind the trees and Chris pissed himself as he saw how big and scary this creature was. It stood seven feet tall, and had razor sharp teeth and fangs.

"You don't wanna eat me"! He yelled as he backed up. "I'm... uh... I'm all skin and bones"! "Yeah, and I never bathe which means that my massive B.O. will leave a foul stench in your nose".

"No problem". Gmork replied as he put on a bib that had Chris's face on it. "I like a little aroma".

Suddenly it dove at him, but then the spot he was standing on collapsed, making Chris fall through, just barely catching himself as Gmork flew over the edge of the walkway.

He watched as the creature fell from sight, but now it appeared that he would meet the same fate since the wood was too slippery for Chris to hold onto.

"Come on, Chris, you can do this". He said to himself as he tried to pull himself back up.

(FLASHBACK)

"Get up there, Redfield"! The Phys-Ed instructor yelled. "Just give me one lousey chin-up"!

A much younger Chris tried and tried, but then fell off.

"This is dumb". He said. "Its not like my life is ever gonna depand on the ability to do a chin-up".

(FLASHFORWARD)

"Fine, I was wrong"! He yelled as he started to slip. "I'll do more upper-body, just don't let me fall"!

He screamed as he lost his grip, but then someone caught his hand, and he wept like a sissy man as he was pulled back up onto the walkway.

"Oh, thank you"! He exclaimed once he got to his feet. "Thank you, thank you, thank... aw, crap".

His heart sank as he saw who his three rescuers were.

"You're welcome". The masked Sith said as the others grabbed his arms. "Lord Wesker was really pissed when he learned that you had escaped Taris alive". "He has promised a great reward for whoever fucks your world up".

"I was afraid of that". Chris whimpered.

"So here's what's gonna happen". "My two buddies here are gonna hold your arms so that you can't get away while I punch you in the dick until you pass out". "Sound good"?

"No, it doesn't sound

His words became a scream as he recieved the first punch, making the Sith laugh harder and harder as more came. Soon Chris was blubbering like a new fish on B-block, and since he hadn't yet passed out, they tossed him on the ground and started kicking him.

"Alright, we got him". The first one said as the kicking stopped. "So what do we do now"? "I mean, the whole trip really doesn't seem worth it if we just kill him right away, does it"?

"Let's hang him up on a vine by his ankles". The second one replied. "Then we'll get some sticks and beat him like he was a pinata or something".

"Let's fuck him up the ass"! The third one yelled.

The other two just looked at him.

"Just an idea". He quickly said.

"Keep that shit to yourself". The second one replied. "Hey... where'd he go"?

Chris seemed to have vanished, so they started looking around.

"There he is"! The first one yelled.

Suddenly Chris screamed as he jumped out from behind a tree and started running down the path.

"How did you know he was there"? The second Sith asked as they chased him.

"I didn't". He replied. "I just figured that he would be scared enough to run if he thought we knew where he was".

Chris ran as fast as he could, jumping over vines and ducking under lowhanging branches. But now he was getting out of breath, and even with the huge head start that he had over the masked Sith, it seemed that they would soon catch him.

He was just about to stop running, when he was grabbed by the shirt, and held behind a tree by a big guy who kinda looked like Barry.

"Hey, you". The first Sith said. "You seen a little bitch of a man come runnin through here"? "Tears in his eyes, piss stain on his pants, you can't miss him".

"Uh... nope". The big guy said.

"Damn it to hell"! "I can't believe you guys lost him like that"!

"What are you talkin about"? The second one asked. "We were following you".

"Crap, you're right... ok, I got it". "We can just leave the planet, and pretend that we never saw the guy in the first place". "That way we can't be executed for failure".

The masked Sith quickly headed back the way they came, and Chris breathes a sigh of relief.

"You saved me". He said. "Thanks".

"Shhh". The big guy replied. "Its a secret to everyone".

"What"?

He suddenly picked Chris up and slung him over his shoulder, before carrying him down another path.


	43. A Native Village

"Statement: Work, bitches, work". HK-47 said as it kept the rifle aimed at them.

Since the droid's reactivation, Leon and the others had been captured and were now being forced to scrub down the entire ship...

With their tongues.

All three of their escape attempts failed, including splitting up and trying to take the psychotic machine down with brute force. For now it seemed that their only choice was to cooperate.

"Statement: Now that's what I call a spit shine". The droid said. "Addendum: As soon as the entire ship is this clean, I will be able to make my escape".

They had already done one of the hallways, and Leon stopped as he reached the bathroom.

"Query: Problem, Meatbag"? HK-47 asked.

"I don't wanna do that room". He replied. "Its where everyone shits".

The droid suddenly kicked him in the ass, making him hit his head on the toilet. Then it grabbed him by the hair, and dunked his whole head into the water.

"Statement: Problem solved". It said as it released him. "And now the work must continue".

It stepped out of the bathroom, and but stopped and pointed the rifle at Leon's head.

"Threat: Lick it, Meatbag". It said. "Or I will be forced to add yet another hole to your squishy little head".

It fired a warning shot that made Leon scream. Then he started to cry as he began licking the toilet.

"Condecending statement: That's the ticket, Meatbag". The droid continued. "Mmmm, the toilet tastes good".

It walked away to make its rounds, while Liquid and Ada continued licking the floor of the map room.

"I'm going for it". Liquid said as he got up.

Ada just rolled her eyes as he started toward the cockpit, but then HK-47 came around the corner with an uppercut that lifted him off his feet.

"Five seconds". Ada said as he landed next to her. "A new record".

"That's impossible"! Liquid yelled as he rubbed his jaw. "I just saw you walk down the other hallway"!

"Qualification:". HK-47 replied. "This unit comes equipped with an off screen teleportation modulator, not unlike the ones used in late eighties slasher films". "Query: Does this third failure to escape convince you to finally accept your fate"?

"Fuck no". "We had a saying back in Korea: If they catch you a hundred times, then just try a hundred and one".

"Query: When could you have possibly been in Korea, Meatbag"?

"I was there for the olympics... it was hell".

Liquid suddenly screamed as he dove at the droid, but HK-47 simply lifted him up by his throat, before choke slamming him back to the floor.

"Statement: Carry on, Meatbags". It said as it walked away.

"Three seconds". Ada said once it was gone. "Are you gonna go for two next"?

"Blow me, Ada". He replied. "I'll escape yet, because this isn't half as bad as that time I tried to become the Prince of Persia".

(FLASHBACK)

The sun was beating down as Liquid climbed down the rockwall toward the ocean below. He had defeated the evil Vizier, and now all he had to do was collect the treasure and return it to his kingdom.

He stepped away from the rockwall, and onto a sandy beach where an old man was waiting for him.

"Ah, Liquid". He said. "You're right on time".

"Of course I am". Liquid replied. "Because you knew how everything was going to turn out, right"?

"I certainly did, and now you have earned the right to claim the all powerful Sands of Desperation".

Liquid looked around, but saw nothing. No chests, no statues, nothing that could possibly be the treasure that he had been seeking.

"Where is it"? He asked. "Where is the Sands of Desperation"?

"You are standing on them". The old man replied. "Now you must carry all the Sands of Desperation back to your kingdom and you will be crowned King".

"Wait a second... the whole beach"?

"Yes, and you must not miss any of the sand".

Liquid took another look around.

"How in the hell am I supposed to get a whole beach back to Persia"? He asked. "What am I supposed to carry it in"?

"Carry it"? The old man replied. "Well... shit, I left the garbage bag at home... um, uh...". "Oh, I had a Powerade earlier, so I guess you can use the bottle".

He tossed the bottle to Liquid before walking away. Liquid then tried to scoop some of the sand into it, but instead became frustrated and tossed it away.

"Fuck Persia"! He yelled as he walked down the beach. "Maybe the Mushroom Kingdom is hiring".

(FLASHFORWARD)

There might have been more to the story, but at that moment HK-47 re-entered the room and kicked him in the ribs.

"Statement: You are here to work, Meatbag". The droid said. "So get back to it".

Chris was carried down the walkway for about an hour before it met back up with another path. Once again it was free of vines and obsticales, making the walk easier.

"Was that the right path"? Chris asked.

"It sure was". The big guy replied. "Can't imagine why a little guy like you would want to take the left one when the right path has a Burger King and a health spa along the way".

"Of course it does... why wouldn't it"?

"So what's your name, little guy"?

"I'm Chris, and we have come seeking an ancient device called a starmap".

The big guy was silent for a second as if deep in thought.

"Well, its nice to meet you, Craig". He said. "I'm Barney, and I don't know what a starmap is, but I'm sure that our Chief can help you once we get to Kakariko village".

"Really"? Chris asked.

"Sure... as long as he doesn't have you stoned to death for tresspassing". "But I wouldn't worry about that because he only has people stoned on Thursday".

"But isn't today Thursday"?

"What"? "Oh crap, I guess it is". "Damn, that sucks... but hey, maybe he'll be in a good mood or something".

Chris swallowed hard as they reached a large wooden gate.

"Who goes there"? Another big guy asked.

"Hi, Benny". Barney said. "How's Bonnie been lately"?

"Oh, just fine". "But her cousin Bartie is visiting, so doing overtime at the gate is the only way I can keep myself from killing the little bastard".

"Well, what can ya do"? "I'm just glad that my Betty doesn't have any irritating reletives".

"Yeah, some guys get all the luck... say, what'cha got there"?

Barney looked confused for a second, and then remembered that he was carrying someone.

"Oh". He said. "This is Craig, and I'm taking him to see the chief".

Benny looked at Chris for a second, and then laughed as he shook his head and opened the gate. It closed behind them as they entered, and Chris found himself in a small peaceful looking village.

"So, what's the chief like"? He asked.

"Oh, nothing special". Barney replied as he walked through the village. "He's big... and mean... and real smart". "They say he even graduated high school, and around here that's a pretty big deal".

"I bet".

They continued on toward a building at the center of town, but were stopped by a guard at the door.

"Who goes there"? The guard asked.

"Hi, Billy". Barney said. "I got this guy Craig here to see the chief".

"Another one, huh"? "Well the chief's a bit busy, so all outsiders are to be taken to the holder of the laws". "Oh, and tell Betty that the cookies were great".

"Ok, thanks Billy". "I will".

"Where are we going, now"? Chris asked as he was carried away.

"We gotta see the holder of the laws". Barney replied. "She's the one who handles everything when the chief is busy, and she also decides guilt and innocence".

It did not take very long for them to reach their new destination: A large building on the north side of the village where the guard opened the door for them. But once inside, Barney set Chris down, and quickly ran back out the door before it slammed shut, leaving Chris in complete darkness.

"Hello"? He asked.

Suddenly the lights came on, revealing that he was inside a court room. The jury box and the public seating sections were filled with people that were snickering and pointing at him, but everything got quiet as the balif came out.

"All rise, court is now in session". The balif said as the judge walked up to her seat. "Case number, uh... three I guess... the people versus Craig". "The honorable Judge Judy presiding".

"Ok, you disrespectful little butt-holes". Judge Judy said as she banged the mallet on her desk. "We are all here to really stick it to this guy, Craig, so let's get right to it". "The verdict is guilty, and the sentence is getting stoned to death in public square... let the trial begin".

"How can you have a verdict already"? Chris asked. "I don't even know what I'm accused of yet".

"How dare you speak to me that way"? "I've been doing this for thirty frickin years, but you think you know more about the law than me, huh"? "Maybe I should just come over there and carve my name into your back with an ice pick, does that sound like something you want, you little horse fucker"?

"No".

"Oh, I get it". "You think this is all about you and what you want, huh"? "This is a court of law, you little cock-gobblin, and since all off-worlders are guilty of something, let's just stone his dumpy ass right here". "Case closed".

She hit the mallet on the desk, and Chris screamed as everyone in the stands began throwing rocks at him. This went on for a few seconds, but then the courtroom doors flew open and the rocks stopped coming as two more guys entered.

"Hold everything". The first guy said. "Craig is hereby granted a stay of execution, in order to have a private meeting with the village chief".

They grabbed him and dragged him out of the courthouse, not stopping until they reached the building at the center of town. This time the guards quickly opened the door, and Chris was tossed inside before the door slammed shut behind him. The first thing he was was Jill, Barry, and Ashley all tied up and gagged on the floor... and the second thing was the giant of a man who grabbed him and pulled him to his feet.

He had to be seven feet tall, made of about three hundred pounds of solid muscle. His skin was green, while his hair and beard were red.

"So, you're Craig, huh"? He asked as he looked at him. "My cousin Barry told me all about you".

"Who are you"? Chris asked.

"Ganondorf, Chief of Kakariko village, and leader of the native people of Kashyyyk". "My friends call me Ganon for short, but you can call me the last thing that you will ever see if you don't do exactly as I say".

"What do you want"?

"Good, streight to the point... I like that". "You see, I got this problem, but up until now I've been too lazy to handle it myself, which is where you come in". "You see, I've been selling my own people into slavery to the Czerka corporation in exchange for weapons and credits... as well as the occasional heart-stopping blow job from Adminstrator Zelda". "But there are a few of my people who don't seem to understand my petty and selfish ways".

"So... how do I fit in"?

"Here's the deal... my dear cousin Barry is going to stay here as my hostage, while you and the females venture down into the shadowlands in order to eliminate a certain former-hero for me". "Do this, and no harm will come to any of you... but if you fail I will be forced to kick you in the balls so hard that they fly out your mouth". "Any questions"?

He quickly shook his head.

"Good". Ganon said. "It would be unfortunate if I had to cram your head up your own ass". "Now untie the girls and come with me".

He pushed Chris toward them, and after untying Jill and Ashley, they followed him to the back room, where a primitive type of elevator awaited them.

"This will take you to the Shadowlands". He explained as they stepped onto the platform. "After you kill the guy, all you gotta do is get back on, and pull the lever like this".

He kicked the lever that was on the platform, making Chris and the others scream as it shot downward at oh-my-god speed.


	44. Upper Shadowlands

The elevator dropped like a rock, and the sunlight slowly faded from view as they went down... down... down...

The trees had to be atleast a few miles high, because they fell for ten whole minutes before the sudden impact on the ground made them all tumble away from the elevator.

They were now in a place that was dark as night. It was the actual surface of the planet Kashyyyk, where only the bravest of the native warriors ever dared to venture. Strange noises from unseen creatures could be heard all around them, and there was also that annoying feeling that they were being watched.

"Way to go, Chris". Ashley said as she sat up. "I thought you knew how to operate that thing".

"What"? He asked. "What would give you that idea"?

"Duh, you're a man... sort of".

"Yeah, Chris". Jill said as they all got to their feet. "As the closest thing here to a man, you should always be an expert the first time you touch a new piece of equipment".

"That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard". "How the hell can I be an expert on something when I never even saw it before"?

"The same way that all men expect to find their way without asking for directions". "Christ, didn't your daddy teach you anything when you were growing up"?

"You know what, fuck you, Jill"!

The whole forest seemed to get quiet for a moment after he said that.

"What did you say"? She asked.

"I said...". Chris began. "I said... fuck you"! "Fuck you and all your feminist, high and mighty, chip on your shoulder, man hating bullshit"! "I... I am not just some... whipping boy that you can blame when everything goes to hell"! "I am a real live human being with feelings and a full range of emotions that you people seem to get joy out of fucking with"!

"What are you trying to say, Chris"?

"Oh nothing, just that I'VE HAD IT WITH ALL OF YOU"! "Who found the launch codes to get us off Taris, huh"? "Who defeated the master of the Sith Academy, huh"? "Who took on Darth Nikoli all by himself, huh"? "Who was

Chris was interupted as he was grabbed from behind, and then the area was lit up as the blade of a purple lightsaber was held to his throat.

"Who is about to get fucked up real good, huh"? The man behind him asked. "Who is the one that interupted my nap because he can't keep his cracker mouth shut, huh"?

"Oh, God". Chris whimpered. "Please don't kill me".

"Shut up, you whiney little bitch of a man". "Now you got two choices... you can either take off your boots, or you can start spittin out teeth". "Choose wisely, mother fucker".

Chris's whole body was shaking as he took his boots off, and then his attacker put them on.

"Yeah, that's nice". He said. "Now empty your pockets, or so help me I will cut off your arms and shove them so far up your ass that people will have to slap you in the face for a high-five".

"But I don't have anything". Chris replied. "All my credits and stuff were taken from me already".

"Oh, I get it... you're tryin to pull a fast one on me, huh"? "You think my services are free, mother fucker"?

"What services"? "You robbed me".

"What I did was take time out of my busy schedual in order to take those boots off your hands, and now your ungrateful ass is tryin to stiff me on the bill"? "I don't fucking think so, because on this planet you gotta pay what you owe". "But since I'm such a nice guy, I'm gonna let you work it off, so let's go".

He used the lightsaber to make Chris start walking down the only trail in sight.

"Wait a second". Jill said. "Who are you"?

"Oh, I'm sorry". He replied as they stopped walking. "My name is Samual L. Jackson, but yall can call me Sam". "Now if you'll excuse me, this little penis-puffer has a debt to settle".

Sam made Chris walk down the trail for a ways, and stopped once they reached what looked like a cabin that had been built right into the bottom of one of the largest trees.

"Ok cracker, here's the deal". He explained as they moved up to the front door. "My cabin is infested with candarian demons, and its your job to get the little bastards out".

"WHAT"? Chris yelled.

He opened the door, and kicked Chris in the ass, making him eat the floor as the door was slammed shut and locked. He was now alone in a place that looked more like a hunting lodge than anything else. There was a moose head that was mounted over the fireplace, a bunch of wooden furnature, and a chained up trap door that he figured must have lead to the cellar.

"Join us". A low voice said as he stood up.

He looked around, but there was no one around.

"Hello"? He asked. "Is someone there"?

Suddenly the trap door was ripped off the hinges, making Chris scream as a scary looking zombie chick climbed out of the hole.

"Join us, Chris". She said. "Just accept your fate and join us".

"Why would I do something like that"? Chris asked.

Music began to play as the zombie started to dance.

"Don't you wanna join the crew, you'll be dead and evil too". She sang. "The coolest thing to do is join us". "Your life sucks, you know, and being a Jedi's gotta blow". "Don't just be a fucking shmo, and join us". "You'll be dead with no remorse, and be hung like a horse". "Hell, you can even bang a corpse if you join us".

"Gross, no way". Chris said. "I'll never join you". "Never, never, never".

"Oh, what's wrong, Chris"? She asked. "Don't you wanna be beautiful, like me"?

"Oh God, are you serious"? "I'd rather look like that moose".

"Why thank you". The moose head replied.

"Holy crap, a talking moose"!

"Actually I'm a candarian moose demon, and I'm here to tell you about all the fun and excitement you'll experience if you join us". "Can't you see we'll have a scream, evil's funner than it seems". "You'll play on our softball team if you join us".

"Join us". The zombie sang.

"We'll have a ball, and spend sunday's at the mall if you join us".

"Join us".

"You can speak our evil slang, and grow some evil fangs". "You might even score some tang if you join us".

"Join us".

"Being evil is divine, you'll be dead but so refined". "Party like its ninty nine if you join us".

"Join us".

"No"! Chris yelled. "I'll never join you"! "Not in a million years"!

"Ok, we can take a hint". The moose head replied. "So get the fuck out"!

The zombie suddenly ran forward, and kicked him right through the closed door, making Chris eat the dirt as the music stopped.

"Well"? Sam asked.

"I don't know what just happened". Chris replied.

"GOD DAMN IT"! "Everytime I try to live in a cabin in the woods, those damn demons come in and fuck shit up"! "It was cool back in the eighties when the Ghostbusters and Bruce Campbell were around... but... but... aw, why can't these demons just die"?

"Do they really deserve to die"?

"Yes they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in hell"! "But for now I guess I gotta find a new place to live, so yall later".

He started to walk away, but Chris got up and stopped him.

"Wait a second". He said. "What about my boots"?

"We traded for'em fair and square". Sam replied. "But since I'm such a nice guy I'm gonna let you have my old ones as a bonus".

He tossed the worn out and hole filled boots to Chris, who grumbled as he put them on.

"Alright, I gotta go". Sam continued. "With all you damn kids comin for the starmap, this place is gonna be too crowded for my liking".

"The starmap"? Jill and Ashley exclaimed. "How did you know we were looking for that"?

"Well, what else would anyone come down here for"? "A couple years ago I helped a guy named Raven or Ringo or something like that... anyway I helped him find it".

"You must mean Revan". Jill replied. "Can you show us where it is"?

He had to think about it for a second.

"Sure". He said. "I can show you where it is... if yall do something for me first".

"Chris will do anything you want". Ashley said.

"Good to hear it". "Now I want you to go down that trail over there, and drive off the Czerka workers who have been poaching down here". "Get rid of them and I will guide you to the starmap". "And as an added bonus I will even look after these two cute white women while you are away".

"Can't they come with me"? Chris asked.

"No, of course not". "Boy, didn't they teach you anything at the Jedi academy"? "You are to blindly rush into a potentialy hostile situation, where you will probably either die or get your ass kicked alot". "NOW GET GOING"!

Chris turned away and ran down the path. Sure enough there were some Czerka workers camped out not too far away, and they had definitly been poaching. They were conducting illeagal activities, and it was Chris's sworn duty as a member of the Jedi order to stick his nose in places where it didn't belong.

There was a guard standing a short distance from the camp, and Chris thought about using his awesome Jedi skills to take him out, but maybe it would be better to try a more diplomatic approach.

"Excuse me". He said as he walked up to the guard.

"Who are you"? The guard replied. "What do you want"?

"I would like to speak to the leader of this crew, please". "I am a member of the Jedi order".

"Oh, ok... just a second".

The guard walked over to a man who was standing in the center of the camp.

"Hey, boss". He said. "There's some guy from Jesus or something here to see you".

"Cut his balls off". The boss replied. "That will teach these punks to disturb our illeagal activities".

"Ok".

The guard then turned away and walked back over to Chris.

"I gotta cut your balls off". He said as he took out a hunting knife. "It's nothing personal".

"I'm sorry, what"? Chris asked.

He started toward him, but then a terrible roar filled the air.

"Oh shit"! The boss yelled. "Its him"! "Run for your lives"!

The Czerka workers ran back up the trail toward the elevator as fast as they could, and a second later a large creature jumped down from the trees. It landed right in front of Chris, and roared as it prepared to crush him, but then it stopped as it heard his womanly screams.

"Hey, I know that sound". The creature said. "Clem"?

"Nemesis"? Chris asked. "What are you doing here"?

"Oh, I moved here from Korriban after I got my last check from the Sith". "I got a pretty sweet gig goin on here, cause all I gotta do is scare people away". "Anyway, I gotta get back to it". "It was good to see ya again, Clem".

Chris waved goodbye as the monster took off, and then he turned and ran the other way back to Sam Jackson's cabin. There was no one outside, but a minute later all three of them came out the door while trying to fix their clothes and hair.

"Oh, hi Chris". Jill said. "We knew you'd fuck it up, so me and Ashley found another way to get him to help us".

"You mean, you...". Chris began. "You... and you... and him... you all...

"That's right, Chris". Sam replied. "We played a game of air hockey for it".

(Dramatic music is played)

"Air hockey"? Chris asked. "Oh, thank God". "When I saw you, I thought you had a threesome or something".

"What"? Ashley asked. "That's disgusting... what kind of a pervert are you"?

"I'm sorry... its just... its just that you looked like...

"Save it, Chris". Jill replied. "I can't believe you sometimes... let sjust get going before I kick this little faggot's head in".

Sam Jackson lead them down the trail, past where the poacher's camp had been, and soon they came up to a downward slope that lead to a part of the forest that was even darker and more scary than the rest of the shadow lands.

"Now you gotta be careful". Sam warned. "This place is a death trap filled with all kinds of stuff that would like nothing better than to fuck you up". "But its where we gotta go in order to find the starmap, so you first, Chris".

He gave Chris a good shove, making him roll down the slpoe as the others followed.


	45. Lower Shadowlands

"And that's my plan". Liquid whispered as the cleaning continued. "What do you think"?

"I think you're a fucking idiot". Ada replied. "That has to be the worst, most idiotic, suicidal plan that I've heard all week".

"Hey, cut me some slack, its only Monday". "Just imagine what I'll be up to when Thursday comes around".

"If any of us are alive on Thursday".

"Fine then, miss 'glass is half empty'... do you have any ideas"?

"Yes, we keep cleaning the ship and maybe the lunatic droid will let us go".

"Interuption: Not likely, Meatbag". HK-47 said as it entered the room. "It would be far more likely for me to just kill you once your usefulness is over".

"You're a dick". Liquid said. "You know that"?

"Reply: Of course, it is one of my best qualities". "Threat: Now either get back to work, or I'll

"You'll what"? "Kill me"? "Well, I'd rather die than have to tongue scrub the floor on my own ship". "But before you kill me, I have a last request".

"Query: What could a Meatbag like you possibly want"?

"Oh, nothing much... I just want you to turn that crank on the wall over there".

Everyone looked, and sure enough there was a large wooden crank sticking out of the wall.

"Query: Why would I want to turn that"? HK-47 asked. "Statement: It is likely to be some kind of lame attempt to defeat me".

"Oh, you're scared"? Liquid asked. "It's ok, I understand".

"Statement: This unit is not capible of feeling emotions like fear".

"Look, it's ok to be afraid". "I mean, if I were you, I would be worried about being defeated by me, too".

"Statement: Your attempts to goad me into doing something foolish will not succede, Meatbag".

"You don't have to pretend anymore, ok". "No one here is going to think any less of you for shying away like a little chicken hearted bitch". "So just kill me, and then spend the rest of your life knowing that you were too afraid to grant the last dying wish of a Meatbag".

The droid stood there for a second, before kicking Liquid in the mouth, and walking over to the crank.

"Statement: Know this, Meatbag". HK-47 said as it turned the crank. "Your death will be very...

It stopped talking as a series of strange sounds began coming from around the room. They started off right next to the crank, and circled the whole room, before the droid screamed as an electrified net dropped down from the ceiling.

It fell to the floor and convulsed as the high voltage current flowed over its body. However it was only a matter of time before it was able to toss the net aside.

"Warning: You are in trouble now, Meatbag". HK-47 said as it started to get up. "In fact now instead of just killing you, I am going to

The words stopped as the sound of a lightsaber's activation was heard. Then the droid looked up just in time to have its head sliced off by a green blade.

There was a sound as the droid's body shut down, and after reclaiming the rest of his weapons, Liquid picked up the severed head.

"What's that"? He asked as he brought it close to his ear. "You can't believe you just got your ass kicked by an organic Meatbag"? "Yeah, I know". "What's that"? "You think I'm your daddy"? "Its good that you can admit that".

He then tossed the head away, and gave everyone back their weapons.

"T3". Liquid said. "Take gay-mo here and put its silly ass pieces somewhere safe". "And as for the rest of you... not such a stupid plan now, huh"?

"What the hell just happened"? Ada asked. "How did you beat him"?

"It's quite simple really". "You just turn the crank and snap the plank, which boots the ball right down the chute". "Now watch it roll and hit the pole, which knocks the ball into the rub-a-dub tub". "This puts the man into the pan and the trap is set, here comes the net".

"It's some kind of mouse trap"? Leon asked.

"Yes, Leon now watch it and I guarentee its the craziest trap you'll ever see".

"But where did it come from"? Ada asked.

"I've been building it since we left Taris". "I only finished it right before we got to this planet, and good thing to".

"But when did you build it"? "How did we never notice it before"?

"I have chronic insomnia, which means that I never sleep except for a few random naps that Jill likes to interupt". "You people on the other hand can sleep through a frickin hurricane". "What, did you think that all I did while you guys were asleep was drink and play chess with T3"?

"Yeah, I did".

"Well, good for you". "The danger's over, so I'm gonna go drink".

He then walked toward the cockpit, leaving Leon and Ada standing there.

"So". Leon said as he put his arm around her. "How about we celebrate our survival of this near death experience by playing a game of Carpenter". "Thats where we get hammered and then I nail you".

Without missing a beat, Ada punched him in the balls, and then she walked away as he collapsed.

"Maybe some other time then"? Leon gasped. "I can wait".

Meanwhile in the lower shadow lands, Chris and the others found themselves walking down yet another path as it curved its way through the forest.

"So, what are you doing in the shadowlands"? Chris asked. "It doesn't seem like the friendliest place to live".

"You think I chose this place, mother fucker"? Sam replied. "I crashed here twenty years ago during a smuggling run".

"You were a smuggler"? "I thought you were a Jedi".

"Let me tell you something about the Jedi, you sawed off little prick". "They are nothing but a bunch of condecending little faggot-clowns who will twist the truth just to get what they want". "Atleast the Sith are honest about being a bunch of back stabbers, whereas if you catch a Jedi in a lie, he will say that what he told you was true 'from a certain point of view'".

"A certain point of view"?

"Yeah, the viewpoint of a fucking lier". "Can you believe that there are actually some dumbasses out there who still believe everything the Jedi masters tell them"?

"You shouldn't be so hard on the council". Jill said. "The Jedi stand for all that is good and decent in this galaxy".

"Jill, its a good thing that you're so cute, because you don't have a

He was interupted as a large rock slammed into the ground in front of them. There was then a roaring sound as a shadowy figure could be seen picking up another rock on the top of a small hill.

"Get out of my woods"! He yelled as he lifted it over his head. "GET OUT"!

Suddenly Ashley raised her blaster rifle and began shooting wildly at the figure. She didn't even come close to hitting him, but out of panic he lost his grip on the rock, making it fall on his head. Then he stumbled for a second before falling forward, and rolling down the hill, stopping right in front of Chris and the others.

"Go on, kill me"! He yelled as they stood around him. "My life is fucked, so you'd be doing me a favor"! "I know that Ganon sent you, so just make it quick"!

They just stood there for a second, looking over this sorry excuse for a man. His face looked like he hadn't shaved in about a week, and he wore a set of green tights that no longer fit properly over his beer gut and man-boobs.

"What are you waiting for, huh"? He asked. "I've got nothing left... I'm nothing but a desperate fool at the end of his rope".

"Wait a second". Sam said. "...Link"?

"What"? "You know me"? "Aw, crap that means you really are here to kill me"! "Most people just leave me alone after they hear my sob story, but come on have a heart, would'ya"?

"Link... what the hell happened to you"? "I thought you were the hero of the native people of this planet".

The former hero stopped talking, and was able to sit up after a few seconds of trying. Then he took a whiskey flask off his belt and took a drink.

"I snapped, ok"? Link said. "I finally snapped after thirty years of defending the people of this planet from douchbags like Czerka Corporation". "Barry tried to warn me about how much of a douchebag Ganon was, but I didn't listen". "So we exiled him, and not three days later Ganon sold us out to the Czerka". "That bitch Zelda and her minions helped Ganon kick me out, so I hid down here in order to do the only thing that I could".

"Plan a counter attack"? Chris asked.

"No, I started drinking". "What's the point of being a hero if no matter how many bad guys you kill, there's always an even worse one on the way in order to keep the drama up, huh"? "I mean, I been doing the hero thing for over thirty years, and has anything changed"? "Is the world a better place"? "Does anyone even care"? "The answers to all is... no". "So I stopped hitting the gym and just stayed down here ever since".

Link suddenly began crying his eyes out.

"Oh, you poor dear". Jill said. "Is there anything we can do to help"?

"Yeah". Ashley added. "There must be something we can do to help you".

"Its painful". Sam said. "To see such a great hero fall so far". "We just gotta help him stop Ganon".

Chris was confused by how everyone was acting about this guy. Why was everyone suddenly being so nice and supportive.

"There is... 'snif'... one thing". Link said as he tried to stop crying. "Maybe... 'sniff'... if we find the master sword". "Its supposed to be down... 'sniff'... at the end of that path over there".

"Don't worry, Link". Ashley said as she and Jill sat down with him. "We'll help you find the sword and everything will be alright".

"What's wrong with you guys"? Chris asked. "Why don't you just kick him or yell at him until he snapps out of it like you do to me"?

Jill quickly shot her leg out, making her foot slam into Chris's nuts.

"Chris, you heartless fuck"! She yelled as he fell to his hands and knees. "Can't you see that this poor man is in pain"? "No wonder you don't have any friends".

"That's real fucked up, Chris". Sam added. "What's next, do you wanna go pull the beard off of a shopping mall Santa or something"? "We should all take turns kicking your ass for your insensitivity, but since we aren't all cold unfeeling bastards like you, I think we'll just have you make up for your wicked ways instead".

"What do you mean"? Chris asked.

"I mean that the only way for you to redeem yourself is to venture down that path and find the master sword all by yourself". "WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE"?

He gave Chris a solid kick in the ass, making him eat dirt before he was able to get to his feet and quickly start running down the path. However there was no more need for running once he was out of their sight.

"I can't believe what a prick I am". He said to himself as he slowed back down to a walk. "That was way unsensitive of me, but I'll show them that I'm not as cold hearted of a bastard as I come off to be". "Getting this sword will show everyone once and for all that I have a heart of gold, and it will also prove exactly what I'm made of".

There was a rustling sound, and then Chris found himself surrounded by a bunch of fully armored Mandalorians, all with their blaster rifles aimed at his face.

"Crap". Was all he could say.

"Well, what have we here"? One of them asked. "Looks like about a hundred and eighty five pounds of air pollution if you ask me".

Chris started to say something, but was interupted as he was knocked down, and all of the Mandalorians started beating him with their rifles.

This went on for a minute or two, then they grabbed him by his ankles and started dragging him further down the path.

"Where are you taking me"? Chris asked.

"You'll find out soon enough". The closest Mandalorian replied. "But when we get there, you're gonna wish that we had just caved in your frickin skull right here".

They dragged him further and further down the path until it ended at a small enclosed grove of some kind. But then he started to feel hope as he saw a sword sticking out of a stone that was right next to some strange looking machienery.

Wait a second, that was no stone.

Chris couldn't believe his luck. The master sword was wedged into the top of a starmap, probably to prevent both the sword from being taken as well as keeping the starmap from opening. This was so perfect, killing two birds with one stone.

But then his heart sank as he saw the dozen Mandalorian warriors who were standing around it. And as Chris was dragged into the center of the grove, he saw a fimiliar face that made him wish that they had just caved in his frickin skull back there.

"Well, look who it is". Xena said as he was dropped at her feet. "Small galaxy, isn't it Chris"? "Now get on your feet, you Jedi piece of trash, before I decide to make your death even more slow and painful than its already gonna be".

The Mandalorians laughed as Chris got to his feet, only to be kicked in the chest, which put him back on his ass.

"Faster". Xena said. "You could atleast show some motivation in the last few minutes of your life".

Chris jumped up as fast as he could. Last time he met Xena, she had spent an hour dragging him and Leon around with her swoop bike. He didn't want to imagine what was in store for him now.

"I like you, Chris". Xena continued. "So you will be happy to know that I have decided not to kill you afterall".

"Really"? He asked.

"Sure... if you can pass the three tests".

(Dramatic music is played)

"Three tests"! The Mandalorians chanted. "Three tests"! "Three tests"!

"Shut the fuck up"! Xena yelled, instantly quieting them. "Test number one: The test of power".

Suddenly Xena swung her arm around, and rammed her fist into Chris's nuts as hard as she could. This made him lose his lunch as his feet left the ground. Then he made a sort of squeeking sound as he collapsed face first into his own vomit.

"Still alive"? Xena asked. "He has passed the test of fortitude"!

The Mandalorians cheered and fired their blaster rifles into the air as Chris slowly got to his feet.

"Test number two". She said as he wiped his face off. "The test of wisdom: How much wood could a wood chuck, chuck... if a wood chuck could chuck wood"?

"Um...". Chris began. "As much as he... um... wanted"?

"Correct"! "He has passed the test of wisdom"!

Again the Mandalorians cheered and fired their blaster rifles into the air.

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP"! Xena screamed. "Test number three: The test of courage: You must take this spoon and shove it all the way up your own ass".

The Mandalorians got quiet as Xena handed Chris a steel soup spoon, and Chris started sweating bullets.

"Are you serious"? He asked.

"Always". Xena replied. "Now drop your fucking drawers, and get to cramming"!

"Test of courage"! The Mandalorians chanted as Chris slowly undid his belt. "Test of courage"! "Test of courage"!

He started to cry as he dropped his pants, but then there was a cracking sound from above, and no one had time to react as the gigantic branch fell toward them from all the shots they had fired into the air.

It slammed into the ground, crushing Xena and all the Mandalorians flat, while missing Chris by mere inches. So after pissing himself and pulling up his pants, Chris started for the path, but stopped when he remembered the master sword.

It took a second for him to get past the giant tree branch, but once he was on the other side it was a simple matter to grab the handle of the master sword, and yank it out of the starmap. However it was alot heavier than it looked, so Chris yelped as the sword pinned him to the ground while the starmap opened.

He was able to reach the slot to insert his data pad, and the starmap closed on itself once the data had been downloaded. Then Chris was able to free himself after another minute or two.

Now all he had to do was get the information back to the others, but there was no way that he would be able to climb over the tree branch with the heavy ass sword...

But maybe he could slice through it.

Even with his lightsaber it would have taken forever to chop through, but suddenly an energy blade shot out from the master sword, striking the branch. There was an explosion that put Chris on his ass, but once the smoke cleared he saw that the tree branch was gone.

And in its place were a bunch of neatly stacked piles of firewood.

"Holy crap"! Chris exclaimed as he got up. "With this sword it will be easy for Link to defeat Ganon and bring peace back to this planet"!

He grabbed the sword from where it fell, and then started the long process of dragging the thing back to where the others were waiting.


	46. Power Struggle

For once Admiral Karath was able to breathe easy on the bridge of his own ship. With Wesker being in another sector of space in order to carry out what he called 'phase two' of his plan to interupt the heroes of this story, there was no one around who could tell him what to do.

Not that there was even anything to do at all. In fact all they had been doing for the last few hours was wait at the designated coordinates given to him by Wesker. So nope, nothing to do at all.

And that meant only one thing.

"LIMBO PARTY"! He screamed.

Instantly music started playing and all of the nameless minions left their stations to start dancing. Everyone was now wearing hawiian shirts with sandals, and within seconds the limbo bar was set up.

"Look at me, everybody". Karath said as he put on a pair of tourist sunglasses. "I'm Darth Wesker, the biggest douchebag in the known universe". "Now I may seem like a prick at times, but that's because I have no friends, and I know in my heart that I could never be as cool as Revan was".

Everyone was getting a good laugh as Admiral Karath imitated the way that Wesker walked and overexagerated the way he moved his hands while talking. However what he did not see was the appearence of Wesker's face as the communications monitor activated.

"What the fuck are yall lookin at"? He continued. "Is Darth Wesker gonna have to choke a bitch"? "You don't want that because with as many times a day that I whack my weasel, my grip could crush your head like an egg".

"KARATH"! Wesker screamed.

Instantly the music stopped as all the minions returned to their stations. Then Admiral Karath took off the sunglasses as he turned around to address the dark lord.

"Uh, greetings, Lord Wesker". He began. "What a pleasent surprise this is".

"Save it, queer-bate". Wesker replied. "Subject yourself to punishment number twelve".

(Dramatic music is played)

"Not number twelve"! Karath yelled. "Anything but the 'nose in the book' penalty"!

"Do it". Wesker ordered.

There just happened to be a large book on the nearest console, so he picked it up, opened up to the exact middle, and then screamed as he slammed it shut on his own nose.

"Better". Wesker said. "Now that your insolent faggottry has been curbed for the moment, maybe we can get down to business before I choke you out through the TV here".

"Of course, Lord Wesker". Admiral Karath replied. "We are at the coordinates you specified, and we are waiting just like you said".

"I see... but where in my instructions did hear that I wanted you to make fun of me while your entire crew dances around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots"?

"I, uh, um, well...

"Punch yourself in the balls".

Admiral Karath looked away as he made a fist, and then he socked himself between the legs, making him groan like a zombie as he fell to his hands and knees.

"Good, you are forgiven". Wesker said. "Phase two of my plan is now complete, but since it was finished before phase one I guess it should have been phase one instead... aw, screw it". "My part is done, and now all you have to do is wait right here".

"Right". Karath replied. "And then we wait until

"NO SPOILERS, DAMN YOU"! "I like to keep a certain level of suspence for the poor saps who actually took the time to read this bullshit story, and you wouldn't want to ruin that for me now would you"?

"Of course not, Lord Wesker".

"Good, now don't fuck this up, or I will fuck you up".

The monitor went black, and after waiting a second to make sure he was gone, the music started playing as everyone started dancing again.

Chris could not believe how heavy this sword was.

It had taken him a whole fifteen minutes to drag the thing down the path to where the others were waiting with Link, but finally he was able to drop the sword and take a rest.

"You guys"! He yelled. "I got the master sword"! "And I found the starmap, too"! "How awesome is that, huh"?

"What"? Jill asked. "You want a cookie everytime you do something right"? "You want us to bow down and shower you with tribute because for once in your life you didn't fuck everything up"? "I can't believe you could be this shallow, Chris".

"Yeah". Ashley replied. "I thought you were better than that, but no, you want a king's ransom for an act that was supposed to be a good deed in order to make up for your heartlessness".

"That is kinda fucked up, Chris". Sam Jackson said. "I can't believe that you would stoop so low as to try to charge this once noble hero a fee for something he would have done for you out of the kindness of his heart". "How do you sleep at night"?

"Its not his fault". Link said as he stood up. "We live in an age where people are raised to believe that you should be compensated for everything you do". "Society has warped Craig into a credit-grubbing little mutant, and it is our job as pillars of the community to try to help degenerates like him turn their backs on theur evil ways".

"Oh, God"! Chris yelled as he fell to his knees. "What have I become"? "I'm a monster"! "A MONSTER"! "Is there no way that I can be saved"?

"Sure, you can start by giving me the master sword".

Chris quickly grabbed the sword, and dragged it over to Link. The once great hero then grabbed the handle, and lifted it into the air as the get-item fanfare sounded throughout the forest.

"At last"! He yelled as he lowered it. "The master sword is mine after all these years, since that prick Revan jammed it into the starmap". "But now I shall challenge my decietful cousin Ganon, and once I kick his ass I shall drive Czerka Corporation from this world, ensuring that my people know nothing but peace for the rest of their days". "Come, my friends... we shall take the fight to them".

Link lead them out of the lower shadowlands, and back down the path that would take them past Sam Jackson's cabin. But they stopped once they reached it.

"Hold up a second". Sam said. "I got to get a few things first if I'm to accompany you on the rest of your quest".

"What do you mean"? Chris asked.

"You got a ship, right"?

"Yeah".

"Good, and that means you can get me off this planet, right"?

"I... guess so".

"Good, because you still owe me for taking those boots off your hands, and passage on your ship will get you halfway paid off". "Now come here and carry my bags, you little bitch".

It did not take long for him to gather his things. The good news was that he only had one thing to carry. The bad news was that it was a gigantic camping backpack that had to weigh a thousand pounds that seemed to get heavier with each step as they continued on.

"Good gravy"! Chris gasped as he struggled to keep up. "What's in this thing"?

"Oh, not alot". Sam Jackson replied. "Just a few changes of clothes, some toiletry items, and my favorite ton of bricks".

"Bricks"? "Are you kidding me"?

"I love those bricks, you disrespectful little knob-slob". "I'm gonna be burried with them, too, so don't break any or I'm gonna be upset".

"Hurry up, Chris"! Jill yelled. "We don't have all day to wait on your slow ass"!

It took him a good amout of time to shuffle his way up the path, and he let out a sigh of relief as they reached the small clearing where the elevator was waiting. But relief turned to dread as he saw that Ganon and his guards were waiting for them, along with the still tied up Barry.

"Well, would ya look at this"? Ganon asked. "Link is still alive and with the hermit of the woods, no less". "I trusted you, Craig... but you let me down... and now we're just gonna have to kill every last one of ya".

"I don't think so". Link said as he walked up to Ganon. "For I posess the mighty master sword, and with it I shall end your reign of terror". "So prepare to taste my

He was interupted as Ganon kicked him in the nuts. Then he grabbed the master sword, and used it to quickly chop off Link's head.

"HOLY SHIT"! Everyone yelled as the body collapsed.

"Didn't see that coming, did ya"? Ganon asked. "What, you thought that this disgusting fat fuck was gonna win just because he had the master sword"? "This isn't some video game, you know"? "This is real life where the most powerful weapon in the galaxy is useless if you're too out of shape to use it". "I mean come on, I do five hundred push-ups a day, and Link had bigger boobs than these two girls put together".

Ganon suddenly pointed the sword at them, and an energy blade flew out, making an explosion that sent them flying in all direstions. But Chris got the worst of it as the backpack landed on top of him, and the now shattered bricks all spilled out across the ground.

"My bricks"! Sam Jackson yelled as he got up. "That's it, I've had it"! "I'm tired of these mother fuckin snakes on this mother fuckin plane"!

He activated his lightsaber, and leaped at Ganon with intent to kill. But all of his attacks were blocked, and a spinning kick was all it took for Ganon to send the Jedi down.

"Is that all you got"? He asked. "I've had a tougher time takin a shit".

Jill went next, but Ganon was too fast for her as well. He was able to deflect attacks from both of her blades with relitive ease before hitting her in the head with the sword's hilt, and pushing her down next to the other Jedi.

"Nice try". Ganon said. "But it doesn't seem like 'girl power' is gonna work either". "You heroes are all the same, you think that justice will prevail in the end, but I'm here to tell you that evil will always triumph... because good is dumb". "So which one of you is next"?

Ashley started to aim her blaster rifle at him, but then stopped.

"Actually, I'll pass on this one". She said. "Go get him, Chris".

"What am I supposed to do"? Chris asked.

"I don't know... fight him".

"Fight him how"?

"Um... the direct approach".

Suddenly she shoved Chris forward, but he was stopped when Ganon grabbed him by the throat.

"Oh, Craig". He said as he lifted Chris off the ground. "I'm so disapointed in you... that I'm not going to kill you right here and now".

"You're not"? Chris gasped.

"Nope, you shall be taken back to Kakariko village, where you shall be put in the stocks with an electric eel attached to your ass cheeks". "There you will spend the rest of your life having to sing dirty limricks while children throw cow shit at you". "Of course this will only last about a day before I get bored and just slice you in half... or I could just do that now".

He tossed Chris on the ground and went to slice him, but then he screamed as Barry rolled over to him and sunk his teeth into Ganon's ankle.

"Let go, damn you"! He yelled as he tried to free himself.

With a couple of pulls he managed to free himself, but this left him completely off balance. In fact he stumbled two steps before falling forward, right onto the blade of the master sword.

"Bullshit". Ganon gasped.

He then stopped moving, and the guards took off screaming into the forest.

"You saved me". Chris said as he went over to Barry.

"I couldn't let you die, Craig". He replied as Chris untied him. "You're the main character of this story".

As soon as he was freed, Barry walked over to Ganon's body and pulled out the master sword. Then the get-item fanfare sounded throughout the forest as he held it up.

"What happened"? Jill asked as she woke up.

"We won". Ashley replied. "No thanks to Chris". "He just stood there with an ever-growing urine stain on his pants while Barry saved the day".

Chris looked down, and then turned red as he tried to cover the large wet spot on his pants.

"I thought so". Sam Jackson said as they got up. "You just let us fight while you wanted to stay back where it was safe, huh"? "God, you're a fucking disgrace".

"That's not what happened". Chris replied. "What happened was

"I don't wanna hear it". Jill interupted. "But atleast this time you didn't end up dressed like a girl, so let's get out of here before that happens, too".

Chris just hung his head as they got onto the elevator. Then Barry hit the lever, and it started back up toward the village. There was only one more starmap to go, and none of them could wait to get off this planet so that they could find it.


	47. Leaving Kashyyyk

It did not take long for the elevator to reach the village, and it was there that our heroes recieved the honored welcome that they deserved.

It seemed like the entire village had come into the building to greet them, and at the front of them was none other than Judge Judy.

"Thanks for stopping Ganon". She said. "Now get the fuck out".

The group was confused by this.

"But we're heroes". Chris replied.

"Oh, that's right". Judge Judy replied. "And we are just supposed to forget all of your henious crimes out of gratitude, huh"? "Is that how the justice system works where you come from, you little butt-plug"? "GUARDS"! "Take dippy the cock-clown here outside and kick his ass for awhile".

A dozen guards suddenly grabbed Chris, and he screamed as they dragged him away.

"I'LL SAVE YOU, CRAIG"! Barry screamed as he held up the master sword.

"Not with that you won't". Judge Judy replied as she took it from his hand.

"Hey, what gives"?

"I'll tell you what gives". "Craig was sentenced to death by my court, you are still officially in exile under threat of death should you ever return, Samual L. Jackson was sentenced to death for acting as the token black guy without a valid license, and the girls shall die as well just because I don't want them to feel left out". "Guards, take them outside to await execution".

Almost instantly the guards had them.

"You can't do this"! Ashley yelled as they were all taken toward the door. "With Link and Ganon dead, that makes Barry the Chief"!

"It would, if he wasn't in exile". She replied. "But since he is, that means that the holder of the laws shall become Chief in the event of the Chief's untimly death". "That would be me in case you're wondering".

"But then you can't have us killed". Sam Jackson said as they got outside. "Only the holder of the laws can, and according to your traditions, they must be seperate offices".

"Yes, that's true". "And as Chief of Kakariko village, I hearby name to the office of holder of the laws, my nephew Judge Dread".

Suddenly a big guy dressed in crazy armor jumped down from a rooftop, and everyone hit the ground as he fired his repeating blaster into the air.

"I AM"! He screamed as he stopped shooting. "THE LAW"! "THIS WHOLE TOWN IS NOW UNDER ARREST, AND THE SENTENCE IS DEATH"! "Acid rounds".

"Acid rounds". His blaster repeated as it made a clicking sound.

Judge Dread then started firing into the crowd, making the people scream as they were hit with the horrible acid bullets. This just made Judge Judy laugh as she took the master sword back inside.

"Now's our chance"! Sam Jackson yelled. "RUN"!

They all got up, and used the death and mayhem as a distraction so they could run for the village gate. However Judge Dread spotted them as they were trying to open it.

"Double whammey". He said.

"Double whammey". The blaster repeated.

He aimed and pulled the trigger, sending two missile looking things screaming toward the escaping heroes. He laughed as they were sent flying by the blast, but stopped when he saw that the gate was destroyed and his targets were still alive.

In fact not only were they alive, but now they were on their feet and running away from the village. So he finished off the few remaining villagers, before opening a nearby garage door in order to get his swoop bike.

"No one outruns the law". He said as he got on. "Activate".

"Activate". The swoop bike repeated.

The swoop bike began to fire up, but then it made a few clunking sounds before dying completely.

"Malfunction". It said.

"Well, this ain't no good". He said as he pointed the blaster at it.

He then shot the swoop bike, and the resulting explosion incinerated him and the entire building.

Meanwhile Chris and the others had been running down the walkway for this entire time, but were now out of breath and had to stop.

"So what was that all about, Chris"? Jill asked.

"What"? He replied.

"She said that you comitted some kind of terrible crime, so what was it"?

"I don't know".

"Oh, that's rich". Ashley said. "So just because you're too much of a dumbshit to realize your crimes, you think its ok to make us guilty by association"?

"Hey, you all had crimes too". "I mean, is it my fault that Sam's token black guy license wasn't valid"?

"You little son of a bitch". Sam Jackson replied. "I bet you got alot of laughs watching my walk around with an expired license, huh"? "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't fuck you up". "TOO LATE"!

Sam suddenly kicked him in the chest, making Chris fall on his ass. Then he started kicking and stomping him. However this was stopped as a dozen Czerka guards dropped down from the trees and aimed their blaster rifles at them.

"Shit". Sam said as Zelda walked out.

"On behalf of Czerka Corporation". She began. "I would like to thank you for ending the feud between the different sects of our slave market". "However since all of them are dead, your lives and possessions shall be seized in order to compensate for lost profits".

The guards rushed forward and began hitting them with their rifles, but then Barry roared as he easily tossed all of them off the walkway.

"Crap". Jill said as the guards fell from sight.

"BARRY CRUSH ZELDA"! He screamed as he ran at her.

It seemed like the poor woman was about to be flattened, but then she gave him a round house kick to the face, making Barry spin around twice before collapsing to the ground.

"Oh my God". All of them said.

"What"? Zelda asked. "You think I got this job on my looks alone"? "I mean, they helped... but I'm pretty sure that I can take all of you without breaking a sweat".

Ashley fired several shots from her blaster rifle, but Zelda easily dodged them as she ran at her. Before Ashley could react, Zelda took the rifle out of her hands and struck her in the face with it, making her collapse just like Barry.

"Next"? Zelda asked as she dropped the rifle. "Chris, you might as well just fall down on your own, but you two...

Jill and Sam activated their Lightsabers as Zelda ran at them, but try as they might they could just not hit her. She kept dodging like the Agents in that Matrix movie, before knocking their arms out of the way and spin kicking both of them to the ground.

"I thought I told you to fall, Chris". She said as he turned toward him.

"I... um... uh". He tried to say as his whole body trembled.

"Look... be a good little bitch and lay on the ground like your friends, and I promise that I will do my best to sell you somewhere where they only ass-pound you three or four times a day, tops". "Either that, or kicking your ass will make me angry, and I'll sell you to one of those websites where they tie you up and let dogs have sex with you".

Chris started to get on the ground, but then he stood back up, and it took everything he had to not drop his lightsaber as he activated it.

"You don't wanna do this, Chris". Zelda said. "Some of those dogs are really big".

"I... I don't care"! He yelled. "I won't let you sell my friends into slavery"!

"Oh, Chris... I can only hope that your bravery will keep you sane when videos of you are all over ".

Suddenly she came at him, and he didn't even have time to blink as the lightsaber was knocked out of his hand. Then she punched him in the mouth and gave him a wicked melven, before knocking his feet out from under him.

"See"? Zelda asked. "You ended up on the ground anyway".

Chris tried to get up, but she nut-stomped him, making him turn blue.

"Did you like that"? She asked. "Have another".

She raised her foot up even higher this time, and brought it down, but this time Chris moved out of the way. This caused Zelda's foot to break right through a weak spot in the walkway, and as that part went down, the other end came up. It smacked her in the face, making her stumble backwards right off the walkway.

Zelda screamed as she fell from view, and soon the others started to wake up.

"What happened"? Jill asked as she sat up. "Where's Zelda"?

Suddenly Chris jumped to his feet and struck his hero pose.

"You should have seen it, Jill". He began. "I was like: You ain't sellin no one nowhere". "And she was like: Oh yes I am". "And I was like: No you're not". "So we fought and she quickly realized that there was no way for her to compete with my killer kung-fu skills, so she was like: Please have mercy". "And I was like: No mercy for slavers, so do you have any last requests before I frickin destroy you"? "And she was like: Yes, please don't let me die without getting a taste of that giant dick of yours". "And I was like:

"FOR GOD'S SAKE"! Sam Jackson screamed as he sat up. "SOMEONE SHUT HIM UP"!

"So in other words". Ashley replied. "She slipped off the walkway, and you think you can take credit for it just because we were out cold, right"?

"That's what it sounds like to me". Jill said. "But don't worry, I'll decide a proper punishment for you after we get back to the ship".

Chris tried to say something in his own defence, but nothing came as everyone got up. So he just hung his head as they reached the end of the walkway, and returned to the Czerka landing area.

"Maybe we should have him clean the gutters". Ashley said as they walked. "Or maybe he should have to trim Barry's toenails".

"Sweet". Barry replied. "Cause I'm long overdue, and its gettin pretty disgusting down there... I just hope he survives the toe-jam".

"Nothing so lienient for this one". Jill said. "We need to come up with a punishment so horrible that it truly makes him see the error of him ways". "I know... his punishment will be decided by... Liquid".

(Dramatic music is played).

Everyone gasped at this, and Chris looked like he was gonna start crying.

"Who's Liquid"? Sam asked.

"Oh, he's our pilot". Jill explained. "You'll have the misfortune of meeting him once we get onboard.

The landing area was quiet since the natives and the Czerka were all dead, allowing for an unusually peaceful strole toward the ship. But when the ramp lowered they recieved the biggest surprise of all.

"What's that smell"? Ashley asked as they boarded the ship. "Is that... Pinesol"?

As their eyes adjusted to the brighter lights on the Ebon Hawk, they noticed that not only did the ship smell clean...

It looked clean as well.

Everything had been scrubbed from top to bottom, the lights had been fixed, and the only sound came from T3-M4 as it rolled in to greet them.

"Where is everyone"? Jill asked.

"Beep-boop-bep-dwooop". It replied.

"Whatever, is Liquid in the cockpit"?

"Beep".

Jill just shook her head as she and the others walked into the center chamber.

"Ashley, put the starmap data in". She said.

Ashley stayed in the center chamber to enter Chris's data into the computer, while the others continued down the hall into the cockpit where as always, Liquid was asleep in the pilot's chair.

"He looks so peaceful when he sleeps". Jill said as they looked at him.

She then grabbed a nearby glass of something that looked like water, and threw it in his face.

"ABANDON SHIP"! Liquid screamed as he flailed his arms around. "WOMEN, CHILDREN, AND ME FIRST"! "...Oh, its you".

"What the hell did you do to the ship"? Jill asked. "I mean, it looks great, but what happened"? "And where is everyone"?

"I imagine that everyone's still asleep after what... YOU"!

Suddenly Liquid stood up on the chair, and leaped over the others in order to slam both of his feet into Chris's chest. Then he grabbed Chris by the hair, and made him stand up before beginning a long regiment of kicking him in the nuts.

"What did I tell you"? Liquid asked as he kept kicking. "What did I tell you about keeping control of your God damned droid"? "Do you have any idea what that thing did to us, you little scumbag"? "It made us clean the entire ship, that's what". "And poor Leon will never be the same, since it made him clean the toilet WITH HIS TONGUE"! "Now granted that was pretty funny, but I DON'T CLEAN"!

He hit Chris one more time, and then pushed him away before walking back to his chair.

"Are we done on this planet"? Liquid asked.

"I think so". Jill replied.

"Good, because here we go".

Suddenly the engines fired up, and everyone was knocked on their asses as the Ebon Hawk lifted off and cleared the planet's atmosphere a few seconds later.

"Stupid primitive planet". Liquid gurmbled as he hit buttons to get ready for hyperspace. "Course is now set for Manaan, so here we

Suddenly the ship came to a dead stop and everyone flew forward as sparks began flying out of the control panals.

"What happened"? Jill yelled as the lights began to dim. "Did we hit something"?

It took Liquid a second, but he was able to crawl back into the pilot's seat just in time to see the Ebon Hawk start to be pulled backwards by the tractor beam of a large Sith Warship.

"Well, that's not good". He said to himself.


	48. Captured

"What is it"? Jill asked as she got up. "What happened"?

Liquid took another look outside, and then turned the chair around to face her.

"Well, I got good and bad news". He replied. "The good news is that our ship is still intact because we didn't hit anything".

"Ok". Jill said. "What's the bad news"?

"The bad news is that we have been caught in the tractor beam of a very large Sith warship, and in about ten minutes we are going to be inside their docking bay".

"Do you recognize the ship"?

"What the hell kind of question is that"? "Its a Sith warship, they all look the same".

"Yeah, that was a pretty stupid question, huh"? "Get on the intercom and tell everyone to meet me in the map room... and for God's sake try to keep them calm".

Liquid hit the intercom button as Jill and the others ran toward the map room.

"All hands, this is your Captain speaking". He said. "We really fucked up this time because a Sith Warship is about to swallow us up, and Jill wants you all in the map room so that she can tell you what kind of horrible screaming death that you can expect". "That is all".

He hit the button again, and stood up. Then he walked down the hall to the map room where everyone was already in a state of panic. Everyone was screaming and running around while Jill was trying hopelessly to keep some order.

"Just calm down"! She exclaimed. "We can get out of this if you all just keep calm"!

"No way, ho". Sam Jackson replied. "I seen this movie, the black guy dies first".

"We're all gonna die"! Leon yelled as he put his arms around Ashley. "Quick, this might be your last chance to give me a hand job".

Ashley responded by ramming her fist into his nuts as hard as she could.

"How was that"? She asked as he fell to the floor. "Never had a hand job like that before, huh"?

"I know how to get us out of this". Ada said as she hit the communications button. "Attention Sith warship, this is the Ebon Hawk speaking". "I must inform you that your capture of this vessel is an act of war, and therefore we surrender". "And under article fifteen sub-section twelve of the Geneva convention, as prisoners of war we must be treated with the utmost respect and humanity".

"Good going, Ada". Chris replied.

"Attention Ebon Hawk". A voice said through the radio. "This is the Sith warship Leviathan, and we must inform you that the Geneva convention is a Republic bullshit story". "Therefore your deaths will be even more painful than before... that is all".

Everyone was quiet for a second, and then panic was restored. That is until Liquid tossed a stun grenade into the center of the room, and everyone got quiet as they were thrown on their asses.

"The Leviathan". Liquid said as he walked into the center of the room. "Admiral Saul Karath's ship".

"Isn't he guy guy who blew up your planet"? Chris asked.

"He certainly is, which is why I am going to kill him".

(Dramatic music is played).

"How are you going to kill him"? Ada asked as everyone started to get up. "Any minute now we are gonna be captured, sodimised, and killed by the Sith".

"True". Liquid replied. "But before the sodomy and death, they are gonna want to interrigate us for information". "This gives us a small but workable window for escape".

"What do you mean"?

"Well, if this is the same ship that Saul Karath has always commanded, then the interrigation chamber is only built to hold three people at once". "This means that the others will all be put into seperate cells until your turns come up". "Now, they are gonna want Jill first because they have been hunting her for a few years now, and probably Chris because he has the bad luck of being the main character of this story".

"Damn it". Chris said as he hung his head.

"And I guess the third one will be me so that Karath can rub it in my face about how he blew up my planet and all". "So between the six of you who are left, I'm sure that one of you will figure out a way to escape". "Either that or we're all dead, AND I WANT TO LIVE"!

Suddenly there was a loud clicking sound, and the whole ship began to shake a little.

"They're pulling us in". Ashley said.

No one said anything as the Ebon Hawk was swallowed by the large Sith warship. A minute or so later the ship stopped shaking as it was forced to land, and then they were boarded.

A few dozen Sith soldiers came running up the ramp, and attacked our heroes like the L.A.P.D. It did not take long for all of them to be captured and forced to march off the Ebon Hawk in chains.

"Ok, let's see". A Sith Captain said as he walked up to them. "The Jedi Jill Valentine and the scumbag Captain Liquid, along with, um...

He compared everyone with the picture that had been sent from Darth Nikoli's phone.

"And I guess this one". He continued as he pointed to Chris. "Admiral Karath wants these three taken to the interrigation room first". "And take the others to the holding cells".

"Told ya". Liquid whispered.

Jill, Chris, and Liquid were quickly led away from the docking bay and taken to a large elevator. Once they were inside, the Captain pushed a button and it started moving upward.

"Next stop, detention level". He said. "Now remove your clothes so that we can parade you around in a degrading fashon".

"What, you're not gonna buy us dinner first"? Liquid asked.

Suddenly the Sith soldiers attacked, beating Liquid with their rifles and making him scream as they tazered him to the floor. Then they ripped his clothes off, before doing the same to Chris and Jill. This left them in nothing but their underwear as the elevator stopped, and they had to walk past a dozen cells full of other prisoners on the way to the interrigation room.

"They're like animals". Chris said as the prisoners threw themselves against the forcefields.

"Just don't show fear". Liquid replied. "This is how they decide who's gonna be a bitch and who's gonna get frickin stabbed".

"Liquid"! A prisoner yelled. "Hey, Liquid"! "I'll give you an ounce of weed for your bitch"!

"He can't talk about Jill like that". Chris replied.

"He wasn't talkin about Jill". Liquid said. "She goes to the women's block".

"Then who was... oh".

"Don't worry, Chris, I'll defend your honor". "Hey, Ernie"! "Throw in a carton of smokes and you got a deal"!

"What"?

"I don't know"! The prisoner continued. "Is the bitch worth it"?

"Are you kidding"? Liquid yelled. "This guy could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch"! "I mean some bitches like the cock... but Chris here LOVES the cock"!

"Alright, deal"!

"What are you doing"? Chris asked.

"Making sure they know what you're worth". Liquid replied. "You gotta learn to not let people undersell you". "And besides if we can't find a way to escape, I want to atleast make sure that I can get a good thing going".

"You got it all figured out, huh"?

"Will you two shut up"? Jill asked.

After walking past a few more cells, they were marched into a room with three force cages. There they were unchained and pushed into them as the cages activated. Then the guards left, leaving alone for a few minutes until the door opened, and Admiral Saul Karath walked in.

"Liquid, is that really you"? He asked as he stood in front of the cages.. "How do you do it"?

"Do what, Saul"? Liquid asked.

"How do you go on living after seeing that face in the mirror every morning"?

"Oh, hardy, har, har". "Atleast I don't look like you". "If that was the case, I would have blasted myself out an airlock years ago".

"Aw, what's the matter Liquid"? "Still sore about your planet"?

"Oh, get over yourself, Saul". "You know that you just came in here to get a look at me in my Spongebob boxers, you flaming homo". "Now why don't you do us all a favor and go suck-start a shotgun"?

"I AM NOT GAY"!

Admiral Karath screamed as he started jumping up and down, but then he regained his composure.

"I'm not interested in you, Liquid". He said as he walked toward Chris's cage. "I'm more interested in yout Jedi friends here". "Its too bad that Darth Wesker is in another sector right now, because he would just die if he saw you again... given your history".

"Me"? Chris asked. "Why would he want to see me"? "I never met the guy".

Admiral Karath just looked at him for a second, and then burst out laughing.

"Are you serious"? He asked. "Oh, this is too good". "I can't wait to see what happens when he sees you, but to pass the time we are going to play a little game". "Now normally when I ask questions, I torture the person who lies to me... but today everytime that I don't like your answer... I will torture Liquid".

(Dramatic music is played)

"Oh, that's a great plan". Liquid said. "You are sure to get alot of answers that way, you stupid son of a bitch". "You think this guy cares about me"? "He'll probably lie to you just to watch me get fried over and over again".

"Hmmm, good point". Admiral Karath replied. "Fine then... everytime you lie to me... I will torture Jill".

(Dramatic music is played)

"YES"! Liquid screamed. "I mean, you fiend"! "How could you"?

"No"! Chris yelled. "Please don't hurt Jill"!

"Listen to him"! Jill added. "You don't wanna hurt Jill"!

"SILENCE"! Admiral Karath screamed. "Question one: What is your mission"?

"Don't tell him anything".

Admiral Karath pushed a button on his watch, making Jill scream as the force cage electrocuted her for a few seconds.

"I changed my mind"! She yelled. "Tell him everything"!

"Can't you hear the pain in her voice"? Admiral Karath asked. "You can end her suffering". "Question two: Where is the Jedi academy located"?

"Its at your mom's house". Liquid replied.

Jill screamed again as the force cage electrocuted her.

"It doesn't matter". Admiral Karath said as the electricity stopped. "Darth Wesker just finished bombing the whole planet Dantooine into nothing".

"What"? Chris asked.

"That's why he is in another sector". "He told me to wait for you here while he destroyed Dantooine, the Jedi academy, and even Liquid's girlfriend Callisto".

"Oh, thank God". Liquid said. "I mean... you bastard". "I'll get you for this".

"The only thing you'll get is a thirty-five hour long death at the hands of Darth Wesker when he returns". "And now I'll leave you to think about that".

He turned and left the room without another word, leaving them alone once again.

"I think that went pretty well". Liquid said.

"Well"? Jill asked. "You're not the one who got electrocuted twice".

"Yeah, I know". "Good so far".

"So what do we do now"? Chris asked.

"Now all we gotta do is hope that one of those fuck-ups finds a way to rescue us before Darth Wesker gets here".


	49. Jailbreak

After a long and brutal processing, the rest of the Ebon Hawk's crew were being led to a bunch of empty cells after having their clothes taken by the Sith soldiers.

"Open cells six through ten". The Captain said to the two guards.

He pushed a few buttons on a wall panel, and the corrisponding force fields deactivated. Then the guards moved each of them in front of a seperate cell.

"Now hold on, sonny". Sam Jackson said as he waved his hand. "You don't want to put me in there".

In response the guard clubbed him in the head with his blaster rifle, and pushed him into the cell while some of the other guards were using tazers to force Barry into his.

"Close cells ten and nine". The Captain ordered.

The force fields reactivated, and another guard went to push Ashley into her cell, when she turned around and kicked him in the shin.

"You mother sucks cocks in hell"! She yelled. "And who designed those uniforms anyway"? "A blind Rodian with a twisted sense of humor"?

The guard quickly backhanded her, and shoved her into the cell.

"Close cell number eight". The Captain ordered.

"That will teach you". The guard said as the force field came on. "Disrespectful little slut-puppy". "Not so tough now, are you"?

"Give me a can opener". Ashley replied. "We'll see who's tough".

"Hey, leave her alone"! Leon yelled. "Why don't you pick on someone your own size"?

"You mean, like you"? The guard asked.

"Not at all... I meant that you should go and find someone bigger... much bigger in

He was interupted as the guard grabbed the front of his boxers, and yanked them up so high that he could pull them over Leon's head. Then he spun him around, and booted him in the ass, making him get a facefull of floor as he fell into the cell.

"Close cell number seven". The Captain laughed as the forcefield came on.

The rest of the guards then turned toward Ada, who simply put up her hands and walked into the cell.

"And finally number six". The Captain replied as the forcefield reactivated. "Now that we're finished, me and my team are going to punch out for the day". "I trust that you two inept guards can handle these prisoners even though you have no backup or means to call for help if something should go wrong".

"Yes, Sir". They replied.

"Good, now you guys have fun". "Let's go, men".

The Captain and his team quickly returned to the elevator, and once they were gone the two remaining guards took off their helmets.

"Huh-huh, what a dork". The first one said.

"Yeah, heh-heh". The other one replied. "Loser".

"Hey, I know you guys". Ada said. "You're Beavis and Butthead, right"?

"Hey Beavis, check it out". Butthead replied. "The hot chick knows our names".

"Maybe she wants to score, heh-heh". Beavis added.

"That would rule, huh-huh".

"How did you guys end up as Sith"? Ada asked.

"Heh-heh, we got kicked out". Beavis explained.

"Yeah, huh-huh". Butthead continued. "They said that we were, like, too old to live there for free or something".

"Yeah, heh-heh, we're like thirty now, heh-heh". "We're old".

"Yeah, we're old, huh-huh". "But we needed money for, like, beer and stuff, so we signed up with the Sith".

"Working for the Sith kicks ass"! "Heh-heh, we get to wear these cool KISS lookin costumes, we get to kick people in the nuts, and we get to listen to metal all day". "Heh-heh".

"Well, good for you". Ada continued. "Say, how about you let us outa these cells, huh"?

"Uh... no". Butthead replied. "This sucks, let's go break something in the machine shop, huh-huh".

"Yeah, let's break stuff, heh-heh". Beavis replied as they walked away.

The machine shop just happened to be about fifty feet away on the other side of the hall, and they were about to open the door, when it was knocked off the hinges from inside. Then Beavis and Butthead screamed as they were lifted off their feet and slammed against the wall by none other than the recently reassembled HK-47.

"OH, SHIT"! Leon and Ada screamed.

"Statement: You are not the Meatbag I'm looking for". It said. "Goodbye".

The droid proceded to break their necks, before tossing the bodies aside. Then it picked up one of the blaster rifles and walked over to the holding cells.

"What the hell is this thing"? Sam Jackson asked.

"Don't worry". Ada replied. "We should be safe as long as the force fields are up".

The droid quickly punched through the wall panel, and everyone screamed as the force fields went down.

"Query: Where is the Meatbag known as Liquid"? HK-47 asked. "Statement: Reveal their location to this unit, and your lives will be spared... for now".

They all quickly pointed toward the interrigation room, and a second later T3-M4 came rolling out of the machine shop.

"Beep-boop-bep". It said.

"Query: What makes you think these Meatbags are telling the truth"? HK-47 asked.

"Boop-bep-dwoop-beep".

"Statement: Agreed... they shall enter the room first". "Threat: Move it, Meatbags... or suffer the fate of all who get in my way".

The droid motioned for them to come out, and they kept their hands on their heads as they were marched toward the interrigation room. A second later the door opened, revealing Jill, Chris, and Liquid still in the force cages.

"Leon, thank God"! Chris yelled. "I don't think I could stand another second in this place"! "Its been horrible"! "Its been a nightmare"!

"Its been fifteen minutes". Liquid replied. "Now let us... why are your hands up like that"?

Suddenly HK-47 pushed its way past the crowd, and punched right through the force cage in order to grab Liquid by the throat.

"HOLY CRAP CHRISTMAS"! Liquid gasped as the force cage shorted out.

"Irritated declaration: There you are, Meatbag". It said as it lifted him off his feet. "Mocking query: I bet you thought your little mouse trap idea was pretty clever, didn't you"?

"Maybe a little".

He screamed as the droid hit him in the stomach, and then it pointed the weapon right in his face.

"Insult: You little scumbag". HK-47 said. "Threat: I outta make you suck this blaster rifle like a dick". "Addendum: And when it cums... its gonna blow your mind".

Suddenly the droid screamed and dropped Liquid as it was struck in the back by a continuous purple energy beam from T3-M4. After a few second it collapsed, and the little droid hooked up to once again drag it away.

"What are you doing"? Liquid asked.

"Beep-boop-dwoop". It replied.

"Hell no, leave it here". "That thing is absolutely not getting onboard my ship ever, ever again". "That's the third time that I've almost been killed by that damn psycho-droid, and there will not be a fourth".

Without a word the little droid began to drag HK-47 back toward the elevator.

"Hey"! Liquid yelled. "Don't walk away when I'm talkin to you"! "Come back here"!

"Dwoop-bwoo-beep-bob-badda-boop". T3-M4 said as it entered the elevator.

A second later the doors closed and it started down.

"DAMN IT"! Liquid screamed.

"Worry about it later". Jill said. "Right now we have to find our stuff, and get outta here before Darth Wesker comes back".

"We have to kill Saul too".

"No we don't". "We have to escape, and that's all".

"Oh really"? "And just how far do you think the ship will get if we don't disable the tractor beam"? "Its controlled from the bridge, by the way, which is where Saul Karath is probably at right now".

Jill was getting scared. There was no time for all this. It was bad enough that Darth Wesker was on his way, but if he saw Chris...

"Ok, we need to act fast". Jill said. "First, where are the prisoner's belongings stored".

"Right behind you". Liquid replied.

Jill turned around and saw a row of lockers, and above them was a sign that read:

PRISONER BELONGINGS

"Really"? Jill asked. "Doesn't that seem a bit stupid for someone to do"? "I mean, what kind of an idiot leaves a prisoner's weapons right next to the cells"?

"Who cares"? Sam Jackson replied. "Let's just get our stuff".

(Costume Change)

Now that they had posession of their clothes and weapons, our heroes were ready to get on with the plan.

"Ok, here's the plan". Jill continued. "I am going to the bridge to disable the tractor beam, and Liquid is going with me because he knows this ship". "Chris is also coming with me because it is absolutely imparitive that Wesker doesn't get his hands on him". "The rest of you get to the Ebon Hawk and prep it for launch".

"Why am I suddenly so important"? Chris asked.

"MIND YOUR BUSINESS"! "Now let's hurry"!

Everyone followed Jill as she ran for the elevator, then they waited once the button was pushed.

"Take the elevator all the way back down". Liquid said. "Then once it comes back the rest of will head up to the command deck". "Then when I get my hands on Saul Karath, I'm gonna shove my blaster pistol up his ass and pull the trigger again and again until it goes click".

"Don't be stupid, Liquid". Jill replied. "I need your head in the game for this one".

Suddenly the elevator door opened, and the others got in, leaving the three of them alone as it closed.

"You don't seem to understand". Liquid continued. "That man blew up my planet". "He killed my family and had me sent to prison for the crime". "Hell, if it wasn't for him I would still be a halfway decent human being".

"The darkside perverts all things, Liquid". Chris replied. "Its not his fault".

"Darkside my ass". "I used to think that this darkside thing was just another word for the corruption that I see everyday, but now I understand that its different for you Jedi". "But that has nothing to do with the actions of those who can't feel the force, does it"? "They make choices on their own, and now its time for them to pay".

"No it's not, Liquid". Jill said. "The way of the light means turning the other cheek and letting the bad guys get away with frickin murder so that we will never have to be as bad as them". "So you must let him get away with killing your loved ones so that you will not be consumed by your anger".

"Look at me, Jill". "I was consumed by my anger years ago, and in my blind rage, I have no choice but to do things like this".

The elevator doors opened, and Liquid dropped down to his hands in order to mule-kick Chris and Jill. This knocked them on their asses, and allowed him to enter the elevator before they could get up.

"I won't let you stop me". Liquid said as the door closed.

By the time they got to their feet the elevator was already headed up.

"No"! Jill yelled as she pounded on the door. "Liquid, stop"! "This is all your fault, Chris"!

"My fault"? Chris asked.

"Ah, so you admit it"!

Chris started to say something, but was interupted as Jill's foot slammed into his nuts, making him groan like a slow-motion replay as he fell to his hands and knees.

"How could you let him run off like that"? Jill demanded as she franticly pushed the call button. "He's gonna ruin everything"!

"But what if he wins"? Chris asked.

"Yeah right, Chris". "Between the constant drinking and being so angry that he can't see streight, it will be a miracle if he makes it five steps off the elevator before they gun him down".

A few seconds later the elevator door opened, and Jill grabbed Chris by the hair as she dragged him inside. Then the door closed and they started up toward the command deck.


	50. The Command Deck

Once the elevator reached the bottom floor of the ship, which was where the Ebon Hawk had landed, it was only a short walk down a hallway with red lights before reaching the door to the hanger.

"Ok, check it out". Sam Jackson said. "There's probably gonna be about a thousand guards in there who would love nothing better than to curb-stomp our asses". "So before we do anything, I would like to take a moment and see if anyone here has any ideas".

"Let's get'em"! Leon yelled. "With the element of surprise, we should be able to burst in there and kill them seven times before they even know they're dead"!

He just looked at Leon for a second before slapping him in the face, and turning toward the others.

"Why is this guy here"? He asked.

Everyone looked at eachother and shrugged.

"I think he a cook". Ashley said.

"Thanks alot, Ashley, way to sell me short". Leon replied as his music started to play. "I am not just a cook... I am the Master Chef known only as Leon... the mighty". "Leon the mighty, king of the frying pan". "Wouldn't you like to shake his hand, never before was there such a man". "When you really need some food, he is always

The song was stopped as Sam Jackson activated his Lightsaber and held it at Leon's throat.

"I swear to Christ Almighty". He said. "That if you ever break out into song in my presence again, I will shove this Lightsaber so far up your ass that your eyes develope a healthy purple glow". "You feelin me"?

Leon quickly nodded, and the Lightsaber was deactivated.

"Now that the sillyness is over". Sam continued. "Does anyone here have any GOOD ideas"?

"I like Leon's plan". Barry replied.

"I got an idea". Ada said. "What if we just walk in there and board the ship like we're a repair crew or something".

"What do you mean"? Sam asked.

"I used to do this in order to get out of my Jedi training". "All we do is walk in there like its just one of many things that we gotta get done by shift change, and no one will stop you because they don't want to be held responsible for work not getting done".

"My God, that's brilliant". Leon said as he put his arms around her. "Kiss me".

She kneed him in the nuts, and pushed him away as Sam Jackson pondered the idea.

"You know". He said. "That's actually a really good idea". "So let's do it before I talk myself out of it".

He turned away, and pushed the button to open the door. Then they walked into the hanger, and were surprised to find it empty.

No, not empty. As they got closer to the Ebon Hawk they saw that there were five people standing around near the boarding ramp. They didn't look much like Sith, being that they looked like teenagers and each one was wearing different colored regular clothes.

"Hey". The one wearing red said as they approached. "No one is supposed to be in here".

"Its cool". Ada replied. "We're the repair crew, and we gotta get this ship up and running before shift change or Admiral Karath is gonna be pissed".

"Oh ok, just let me scan the work order and you guys can get started".

Everyone started to sweat. They could probably handle a bunch of teenagers, but if they sounded the alarm then things might not work out so well.

"Oh, the work order". Ada continued. "We, um, seem to have forgotten it, but, um, we really need to get started on those repairs".

"Well, I'm sorry". He replied. "But we can't let any repair teams in without a work order".

"Oh, come on". "Can't you let it slide just this once".

"Nope, either get the work order or I can't help you".

"Alright, enough of this shit". Leon said as he stepped forward. "Everyone in our group except for Ashley is atleast thirty, which means that you gotta do what we say or we'll tell your parents or something". "Now you kids got two choices: You can either get outta our way like good little juviniles, or you can get ready for a beat down". "Choose wisely".

The teen in red just stood there with a kind of shocked expression on his face.

"Well, gosh mister". He said. "I guess that since you put it that way, the only thing I can say is IT'S MORPHIN TIME"!

All of the teenagers quickly lined up alongside the one in red, before reaching behind their backs and pulling out a strange device with a large gold coin in the center.

"Black power, mother fucker"! The one in black yelled as he held the device out in front of him.

"Pink vibrations"! The girl in pink yelled.

"Chin-chille, mother fucker yeah"! The guy in blue yelled.

"Fried rice"! The girl in yellow yelled.

"Jose Canseco"! The one in red yelled.

There was a blinding flash of light, and when it faded the teenagers were all wearing different colored armor suits complete with helmets.

"Power Rangers"! They yelled as they struck their hero pose.

"Aw, shit". Sam Jackson said as they started to back up.

It did not take long for the elevator to reach the top floor of the ship, and the door opened just in time for Jill to spot Liquid as he vanished around a corner at the end of a long hall.

"There he is"! Jill yelled as she ran after him.

Chris followed her down the hall, but she was a much better runner than him, so it was not long before she rounded a corner and was gone by the time that he reached it.

There didn't seem to be any Sith soldiers wandering around, but now there were two halls that he could go down, and not a single sign of which one Jill had picked. So after a rousing game of Eenie-meenie-miney-mo, he chose the hall to the left and started walking as quietly as he could.

However he missed the wet floor sign, and cried out as he fell on his ass just as the closest door opened.

It sounded like a party of some kind was going on inside the room, and couple of off duty Sith came stumbling out. They were laughing and singing about something, but then everything stopped as they saw Chris.

"Uh... hi". Chris said.

"Who are you"? The first one asked. "What are you doing here"?

Chris was terrified, and he had to think fast or these guys were gonna probably kill him... or worse.

"I was um...". He said. "Sent... here"?

"Oh, right". The second one replied. "Rodrigo must have sent you here to join, huh"?

"Uh, yeah that's it". "I'm here to join".

"Hey, everyone"! The first one called into the room. "New Pledge"!

They suddenly grabbed Chris by the arms and dragged him into the room where about three dozen off duty Sith were partying.

"NEW PLEDGE"! Everyone chanted as he was taken to the center of the room. "NEW PLEDGE"! "NEW PLEDGE"! "NEW PLEDGE"!

The chanting stopped however as an older Sith stapped forward.

"Congratulations, young one". He said. "You have been given the honor of joining the Fraternal Order of the Sith, and as Party Master, I must preside over your initiation".

"Initiation"? Chris asked.

"Of course, the four part ceremony in which you truly become one of us". "Now the first order of business is that all members of the Fraternaty must have a tender hide".

The chanting resumed as Chris was thrown over a nearby table, and held down as the Party Master was handed a very large wooden paddle.

"WHAT'S THAT FOR"? Chris screamed.

"Ten hits"! The Party Master yelled as he walked behind him.

He raised the paddle, and Chris screamed as he was hit in the ass. By the third hit he was crying like a bitch, and everyone in the room kept a count until the tenth hit was done. Then they cheered as Chris was dragged over to another table, and thrown down onto his back next to a very large punch bowl.

"The second order of business". He continued as they held Chris down. "Is that all members of the Fraturnity must have the fortitude of a hundred men".

He jammed a funnel into Chris's mouth, and then proceded to pour the contents of the entire punch bowl down his throat. It tasted like streight grain-alcohol, and his head was swimming by the third swallow.

"CHUG THAT SHIT"! Everyone chanted. "CHUG THAT SHIT"! "CHUG THAT SHIT"!

A minute or two later the punch bowl was empty, and everyone cheered as Chris was pulled away from the table.

"The third order of business". The Party Master continued. "Is that all members of the Fraturnaty must take it like a champ".

They held Chris up as some of the others brought out a large zip-lock bag full of what looked like flour. But then they shoved his face in it, and he quickly discovered that it was not.

"SNORT THAT COKE"! Everyone chanted. "SNORT THAT COKE"! "SNORT THAT COKE"!

They held his head down in the bag for awhile, and everyone cheered when he was finally let out. His face was now completely white, and he was completely blitzed out of his brain.

"So far so good". The Party Master said. "Now, the fourth and final order of business is that all members of the Fraturnety must be fearless enough to spend seven minutes in the closet with our oldest member: Jebediah Morningside a.k.a. The Tall Man".

Suddenly Chris felt a very large hand on his shoulder, and he looked up to see a very tall man in a black suit with shoulder length white hair.

"I've been waiting for you, boy". He said as he lifted Chris off his feet. "Come... we have things to do".

He started to carry him toward a closet toward the back of the room, but then Chris kicked and screamed until he somehow got out of the grip. Then Chris took off running toward the door, slamming into the wall a few times before he finally found it.

"Booooooy"! The Tall Man yelled as everyone in the room started laughing. "Ha, ha, gets'em every time". "Pass that coke this way, would'ya"?

By this time Chris's vision was spinning from the alcohol and the coke, making him bounce off walls repeatedly as he tried to find his way down the seemingly endless halls.

Even walking now seemed almost impossible, and now he was hopelessly lost as he wandered from blurry hallway to even more blurry hallway. But then he felt a hand on his shoulder, and he screamed as he took off running, only to slam into the wall and collapse to the floor.

"NO"! He screamed. "I don't wanna go in the closet"!

"What the hell, Chris"? Jill asked.

"Jill"? "Oh thank God it's you"! "The Party Master paddled me, then I drank and did a bunch of coke, and then The Tall Man said he was waiting for me, and oh God it was horrible"! "So I ran away, and the rooms were spinning, and

Suddenly Jill backhanded him really hard, making his vision come into focus.

"How did you do that"? He asked.

"Its an old Jedi trick". She replied. "Its called smacking the stupid outta your retarded coke smokin ass".

Jill then started kicking and stomping him.

"I can't believe you, Chris"! She yelled. "I'm over here trying to save Liquid from himself, and where are you this whole time"? "You're hangin out with your friends, boozin it and loosin it like you don't have a care in the world"! "Just look at you with your face covered in cocaine like the addict on the Dave Chappelle Show, and your breath smelling like a God damn still"!

"I'm sorry"! Chris yelled. "I don't know what came over me"!

"You're sorry, alright". "You're the sorriest piece of crap that I ever had the misfortune of working with"! "Lucky for you that the door that goes from here to the bridge has been locked down, meaning that there is no way for Liquid too...

She stopped talking as she looked out the window, and saw Liquid making his way across the outside of the ship in an environmental suit. He smiled and waved at her as he passed the window, and Jill started to panic.

"Come on, Chris"! She yelled as she grabbed him by the hair. "We have to get this door open"!

She dragged him over to a heavy looking door, and activated her Lightsaber in order to slice through it. But the process was slow.

"Why do we have to stop him"? Chris asked. "If he kills a bad guy and releases the tractor beam, then we win".

"Chris, don't you know anything about being a good guy"? She asked as she kept on cutting. "Its ok to massacre nameless minions by the hundreds, but if you kill a villain out of revenge who's name is actually mentioned in this story, you will instantly fall to the darkside".

"Then how do you beat the bad guys"?

"You arrest them, and keep arresting them no matter how many times they escape, or how many people they kill". "The Jedi do not believe in killing their prisoners, so instead we do just enough to stop them from conquering the galaxy".

"But wouldn't it be better to just kill the bad guys so that they can't hurt anymore people"?

"You don't have the right to take a life, Chris".

"But it's ok for the bad guys to do it"? "Do they have the right to kill"?

"Chris... you just don't get it, do you"? "Just trust me on this one, ok"?

"Well, alright".

With another pull of the Lightsaber, the lock was broken and the heavy doors slid open, revealing a long upward slope that ended at another set of doors that Liquid was about to enter.

"Hurry"! Jill yelled as she started running.

It was a race against time as Liquid walked up to the doors and pushed the button to open them. With a 'ding' sound they slid open, and Admiral Karath was caught totally off guard as Liquid walked in with his blaster pistol raised.

The laser sight was aimed right at his forehead, and Liquid had just started to pull the trigger when he was tackled by Chris and Jill. This made the shot hit the floor next to the Admiral, and the blaster pistol slid from his hand as they all hit the floor.

"Thank God we got here in time"! Chris yelled.

Suddenly a dozen clicking sounds filled the air, and they looked up to see that a dozen Sith soldiers as well as a bunch of dark Jedi had surrounded them with weapons aimed and ready.

"I hate you, Chris". Liquid said.


	51. The Bridge

"There's about to be some black on black crime"! The black ranger yelled as he brought his axe down on Sam Jackson's Lightsaber.

It was pretty safe to say that things were not going well for the good guys today. The Power Rangers were basicly mopping the floor with our heroes, and the fight had only been going on for about a minute or so.

"Jose Canseco, bitch"! The red ranger yelled as he slashed at Ada with his sword.

Everyone was fairing about the same. The blue ranger had tossed a net over Barry, the yellow ranger had Ashley in a sleeper hold, and the pink ranger had Leon by the hair as she repeatedly booted him in the ass. But then the tables seemed to turn for a moment as Sam Jackson was able to deflect the next axe attack, and put the black ranger on his ass with a solid kick to the chest.

He went to finish, but stopped as the black ranger turned his axe around so that he was holding it like a rifle, and Sam had to dive out of the way to avoid having his head taken off by a shotgun shell.

"Yeah, chicken and watermelon"! He yelled as he chambered another round.

He fired another round, making Sam Jackson have to dive behind a bunch of cargo containers as yet another round was chambered.

"These racist fucks gave me a gun cause I'm black"! The black ranger yelled as he got up. "But that's ok because guns don't kill people, black mother fuckers with guns kill people"!

"How to you old fucks expect to beat us"? The pink ranger asked as she pushed Leon down to the floor. "As teenagers we have the power of youth... hell, we don't even need coffee to wake up in the morning".

Suddenly there was a roaring sound as Barry broke out of the net, and the blue ranger screamed as he was lifted over the big guy's head. This distraction also gave Sam Jackson enough time to leap over the cargo containers, and stab his Lightsaber right through the black ranger's chest.

"Damn it". The black ranger gasped as he fell. "I knew the black guy was gonna die first".

Suddenly Barry tossed the blue ranger right into the pink ranger, making them both fall to the floor while allowing Leon the chance to get back into the fight. However the yellow ranger dropped Ashley and decided to attack Leon before he could do anything.

One second Leon was reaching down for his weapon, and the next he was pinned to the wall as two large yellow knives stuck into the sleeves of his jacket.

"Holy crap"! He yelled as she approached.

"Ass-whoopin special". The yellow ranger said as she reached him. "Two ninety-nine".

She punched him in the stomach a few times, and then went to pull the knives out of Leon's sleeves, but then Ashley came up from behind and jumped onto her back.

"Get off me"! The yellow ranger yelled as she stumbled back.

"I'll get her"! The blue ranger replied as he got ready to throw his lance.

He tossed it like a spear, and the yellow ranger managed to shake Ashley off just in time to get a blue lance rammed right into her back.

"Aw, crap". The blue ranger said as she fell to the floor. "Sorry about

He was interupted as Barry grabbed him and head butted him so hard that his whole helmet sunk down in between his shoulders, but then it was Barry's turn to scream as a pink arrow suddenly flew into his foot.

"You wanna kill my friends, huh"? The pink ranger asked as she got another arrow ready. "Well get ready to join

She was interupted as Sam Jackson came out of left field and sliced her neatly in half with his Lightsaber. Now things were going good as they freed Leon from the wall, but Ada was still having problems with the red ranger.

"I take steiroids". He said as he knocked the lightsaber out of her hand. "No one fucks with Jose Canseco".

He then kicked her in the stomach, and spin kicked her in the head, making her stumble sideways before falling down right next to the black ranger's body. It seemed like the end as he raised his sword up for the kill, but then she saw the black axe-shotgun. So she grabbed it and shot the red ranger in the stomach, making him fly across the room before crashing into some boxes.

They had won.

"Everyone ok"? Sam Jackson asked.

Everyone was more or less unharmed, and after pulling the arrow out of Barry's foot, it was time to reclaim the Ebon Hawk. So they started toward it, when the hanger door opened, and a guy wearing green walked in carrying a bunch of Starbucks coffee.

"Sorry it took so long, guys". He said as he came in. "Now who had the... what's goin on here"? "Who are you guys"?

"This is um... not what it looks like". Ada replied. "But your, um, friends need help it seems, so we're, um... just gonna be going".

"You freaks aren't goin nowhere, because ITS MORPHIN TIME"!

He tossed the coffee away, and pulled out a device similar to what the other teenagers had.

"Tommy Hilfiger"! He yelled as he held it out in front of him.

There was another blinding flash of light, and when it faded he was wearing a green outfit similar to what the other Power Rangers had worn. But he had a gold shield-looking thing around his torso, and something about his armor seemed a bit more threatening than the others had.

"It's butt-kickin time". The green ranger said.

"Christ on a cross"! Sam Jackson yelled. "How many of you punks are there"? "No, I don't care... LET'S GET HIM"!

Things were not going much better on the bridge. After taking their weapons, Chris and the others were pulled to their feet and restrained as Admiral Karath walked up to them.

"Why would you do that, Chris"? Liquid yelled.

"I had no choice". Chris replied. "I had to stop you from killing out of anger and falling to the darkside".

"What"? "That's the gayest shit I heard this year". "What half retarded demon would possess you to think that something like that could make any sense at all"? "I kill bad guys out of anger all the time, for God's sake".

"I tried to stop him". Jill said. "But it was as if he had recieved orders from the mother ship or something". "I'm just sorry that I couldn't keep him from interfering".

"What"? Chris yelled. "But you... but she... but...

"SILENCE"! Admiral Karath screamed. "Melven him, and bring Liquid closer".

Chris screamed as one of the guards yanked upward on the front of his pants, and a second later Liquid was brought up to Admiral Karath.

"You couldn't just stay in your cell, could you"? He asked.

"What can I say, Saul"? Liquid replied. "I just couldn't keep myself away".

Suddenly Admiral Karath kicked Liquid in the nuts as hard as he could, and then he grabbed him by the hair.

"Admit it"! He yelled in Liquid's face. "Admit that you are a fucking loser"! "Admit that I am the best"! "Admit that I have a cute ass and you like it"! "Admit it"! "Admit it"! "ADMIT IT"! "KICK THIS MOTHER FUCKER'S ASS"!

The guards quickly tossed Liquid on the floor, and soon a dog-pile was formed as they began punching and kicking him. This went on for a few seconds, but then Admiral Karath gasped.

"Stop"! He yelled to the guards. "Stop"! "Everyone get up for a second"!

The beating stopped, and when the guards stood up, the Admiral's face filled with rage at what he saw.

"I KNEW IT, HE'S GONE"! He screamed. "Spread out"! "Find him before he does something stupid"!

"Too late"! Liquid yelled from across the bridge.

Admiral Karath was about to order another attack, but then he stopped as he saw that Liquid was back inside his environmental suit...

With a blaster pistol pointed at the window.

"I wonder what will happen if I pull the trigger". He said as he tapped the barrel on the glass.

"Liquid, don't be stupid". Admiral Karath replied. "If you shoot that glass, you'll kill us all".

"I won't die". "Oh, and I took the liberty of blasting all of the other suits into space just in case some of you get that far before this whole ship decompresses".

Without warning Liquid pulled the trigger, and began laughing hystericaly as everything on the bridge began to feel the horrible vacume of space. Stuff was flying around, and people were screaming, but then the emegency shutters came down and all was good again.

"Oh, God damn it". Liquid said as he hung his head. "That was such a perfect plan too".

"Take him". Admiral Karath ordered.

Almost instantly the guards were on him, and a few seconds later he was out of the environmental suit and once again restrained with Chris and Jill.

"Good job almost killing us, Liquid". Jill said. "So what do you do for an encore"?

"Oh, gripe, gripe, gripe". Liquid replied. "I don't hear you coming up with any bright ideas".

"I must congratulate you, Liquid". Admiral Karath said as he walked up to them. "I would have expected nothing less from a man of your talents, and its just a shame that your long list of talents couldn't have been added to the forces of the Sith fleet".

"Jesus, Saul". "I know you're gay for me, but take it down a notch before your entire ship burns down".

"I AM NOT GAY"!

He then swung his arm around and uppercutted Liquid in the nuts, making him go crosseyed as the guards allowed him to fall to the floor.

"And now". Admiral Karath continued as he approached the others. "What to do with the two of you while I decide how exactly to execute Liquid". "Hmmm...

He just looked at them for a few seconds.

"The girl". He began. "Shall be given to each member of the crew for exactly ten minutes as part of the new MWR program, and as for you...

He just glared at Chris for another moment, and then started laughing.

"I'm not going to do anything to you at all". He explained. "Because it will be much more rewarding to see what happens when Darth Wesker returns and you find out that

His words became a scream as a sound of a lightsaber activation filled the room just before Liquid rammed the glowing green blade right through the Admiral's back.

After holding him there for a second, Liquid pulled the blade out, and the guards gasped as he hit the floor.

"Aw crap, he killed the Admiral". One of them said. "We better get outa here".

"What are you talkin about"? Another one asked. "We still out number them like three to one, so can't the next guy in line take charge so we can finish this"?

"No, don't you get it"? "We're nameless minions who can't possibly fight without a leader who's name is actually mentioned in this story". "That's why the fight ends as soon as Admiral Karath bites the dust".

"Shit, you're right". "Let's get outa here"!

The Sith soldiers and dark Jedi dropped their weapons and took off running away from the bridge as Liquid walked over to the nearest control panel.

"Ok". He said as he pushed a few buttons. "The tractor beam is disabled, so we can leave".

"What, just like that"? Jill asked. "No required access codes or passwords or nothin"?

"Nope, any idiot can just hit a button and

He was interupted as Admiral Karath made a coughing sound, making them all jump.

"Liquid". He gasped. "Liquid... got to... tell you".

"Don't worry about it". Liquid replied. "We all know that you're gay for me". "Hell, if I was a gay guy I would want me too".

"No... important".

Liquid rolled his eyes, and walked over to Admiral Karath. Then he knelt down next to him, and his eyes widened as something was whispered in his ear.

"What"? Liquid asked as he took a quick look at Chris. "Get outa town, Saul".

"I'm... serious". Admiral Karath gasped. "Remember my dying... words... when you...

"Oh, whatever".

Admiral Karath's words were stopped as Liquid picked up his blaster pistol and shot him in the face. Then he stood up, took a long look at Chris, and burst out laughing.

"I gotta give Saul some credit". He said while trying to contain his laughter. "Most people use their last words to convey important messages, or to put curses on their enemies, or to say something cryptic and stupid like 'Rosebud', but not Saul".

"What did he say"? Chris asked.

"He told me the funniest joke that I have ever heard in my life". "He said that... he said that... he said that you...

The words stopped as Liquid began laughing so hard that tears flowed from his eyes. However Jill was not laughing at all.

"You can tell us all about it later". She said. "The important thing right now is to get outa here before Darth Wesker arrives".

"Right". Liquid replied as he wiped the tears from his eyes. "Just remind me to tell you back at the ship... its gonna kill ya".

"Enough talk, let's go".

The door opened as Jill left the bridge, and the others followed as she ran back toward the command deck.


	52. Best Plot Twist Ever

Sam Jackson hit the floor with a hard thud, but instead of continuing the attack, the green ranger just stood there while brushing off his armor suit.

After rushing at this single opponent, all five of them had quickly been put on their asses. This guy was obviously far more skilled then the other five Power Rangers had been, and it was time for some quick thinking.

"Alright, time out". Sam said as he got up. "Group huddle".

"No rush". The green ranger replied as they all gathered together. "I still got like fifteen minutes until my shift ends, so take your time".

"Gee thanks".

Everyone gathered as close as they could, and after checking to make sure that their enemy wasn't listening in, Sam Jackson cleared his throat.

"Ok guys". He whispered. "At what point did we lose control here"? "I mean, how is it possible for this one guy to mop the floor with us when we just killed five of his friends one-on-one"? "Ideas, anyone"?

"Maybe he's pissed about his friends". Ada replied. "And that rage is giving him the strength of a hundred men".

"Or maybe he's actually a skilled warrior". Ashley added. "Unlike everyone else we've ran into since this retarded quest began". "I mean, it had to happen sometime, right"?

"Who cares what the reason is"? Leon asked in a scared voice. "We just got our asses kicked, and we probably won't survive the next attack"! "It's game over, man"! "Game over, I tell you"!

"I got it". Sam Jackson replied. "We should have Leon sacrifice himself so that the rest of us can make a mad dash for the ship".

"BARRY CRUSH"! Barry suddenly screamed as he picked up a large metal crate.

He lifted it over his head and tossed it at the green ranger. However his gold shield caused the crate to bounce off, and slam back into Barry, sending him crashing right through a large cargo container.

"Barry see birdies". He mumbled as he passed out.

"Good try". The green ranger said. "But as you've probably concluded, this silly looking gold shield thing gives me a ridiculously overpowered defencive rating". "But feel free to try again if you want, because I seriously have nothing better to do today than kick your asses".

"You fucking poser"! Ashley yelled. "You wouldn't stand a chance against us without that shield"!

"You're probably right, but I got it, so we'll never know for sure". "But just for that, you get this".

He suddenly put his hands close together, and what looked like green fire began to gather between them.

"You've got to be kidding me". Ada said.

"Hadouken"! He yelled as the energy was released.

The energy was released into a massive fireball that hit the ground between them, making everyone scream as they were thrown across the room in different directions.

The green ranger laughed as they crashed the the floor, and they were not as quick to get up this time.

"He throws fireballs"? Sam Jackson yelled as he pulled himself to his feet. "What the fuck is goin on here"?

"What are we gonna do"! Leon asked. "Its hopeless"! "HOPELESS"!

"Alright, enough". The green ranger said. "Its obvious that you punks aren't about to give up, and there's no way you're gonna get past me". "This means that I have to kill each and every one of you, or...

"Or what"? Ashley asked.

"Or, I might be willing to look the other way long enough for you guys to get onboard your ship... if...

"If what"? Sam asked.

"If one of you comes over here and sucks me off in front of everybody".

(Dramatic music is played)

"No way". Ashley said as everyone looked at her. "I would rather get shot in the head than have anything to do with that goofey lookin leprechaun".

"That's fine". The green ranger replied. "Because I don't want you".

Ashley sighed with relief as everyone's gaze turned to Ada.

"Is anyone really surprised"? She asked. "Atleast he's got good taste".

"Not you either". Green ranger replied.

Everyone got a surprised look on their faces as the girls stepped away, and since Barry was unconsious, this left Leon and Sam to just look at eachother.

"I don't like black people". He continued. "I want the pretty one".

"YES"! Sam yelled as he patted Leon on the back. "Tough break, cracker". "But sometimes you just gotta take one for the team".

"But". Leon said in a shakey voice. "But I don't wanna take one for the team".

"Tough shit, now be a man and get over there".

"But I don't wanna be a man"!

"Good, cause you ain't gonna be after this".

"Get going, Leon"! Ada yelled. "Quit being so selfish"!

Yeah, don't be a bitch". Ashley added. "I've had to do it before".

"But you're a girl"! Leon yelled. "Its ok for you to do that stuff"! "Can you guys atleast swear to take this to your graves or something"?

Everyone responded to this by bursting out with laughter.

"Are you kidding"? Sam Jackson replied. "We're gonna pick on you about this until you frickin die, NOW GET OVER THERE"!

He pushed Leon forward, and then everyone ran for the ship. A few seconds later they disapeared up the boarding ramp, leaving Leon alone to face the green ranger.

"Come on, fish". He said. "Let's get this over with".

"Alright, I just gotta ask". Leon replied. "Is everyone that works for the Sith... gay"?

"Gay"? "There ain't nothin gay about gettin your dick sucked". "Hell, you're the one who's gay for suckin MY dick". "I can't barely stand to be in the same room with fags like you". "NOW GET YOUR SISSY ASS OVER HERE"!

Leon started to cry as he slowly walked toward the green ranger. He took a bit of comfort in the fact that no one was going to be around to see it, but then he started sobbing as the green ranger took out his digital video camera.

"You didn't think it was gonna be that easy, did you"? He asked. "Not only do you get to lose your manhood, but its gonna be posted all over YouTube, Myspace videos, and Facebook". "So prepare to

It was interupted as his watch started beeping.

"Shift change". The green ranger said as he turned away. "See ya later".

He quickly ran out of the hanger, and Leon just stood there for a second before he running toward the ship to join the others.

Jill led the way as she, Chris, and Liquid ran away from the bridge, and back across the command deck. The whole place was just as empty as it had been before, so it was a pretty uneventful run back to the elevator.

"So, what did the Admiral tell you"? Chris asked.

"What"? Liquid asked. "Oh, he just told me that you... that you... that...

Once again he burst out with laughter, this time so hard that he fell to his hands and knees before losing his lunch all over Chris's boots.

"Aw, dude, gross"! Chris yelled as he jumped back.

But what they didn't see was that Jill had turned away as the color was starting to drain out of her face.

"Are you ok, Jill"? Chris asked.

"I'M FINE"! She screamed. "THERE'S NOTHING WRONG"!

"Ok".

Liquid managed to get his laughter under control just in time for the elevator to arrive, and they all got in once the door opened. A moment later the door closed again, and Jill pushed the button for the bottom floor where the Ebon Hawk and freedom were waiting for them.

Aside from Liquid's snickering every time he looked at Chris, no one said a word until a soft 'ding' signaled that they had arrived on the bottom floor. Then the door opened, and the run resumed.

"We have to hurry". Jill said as they ran away from the elevator. "I can feel Darth Wesker's presence getting closer".

"How much closer"? Liquid asked as they reached the door.

It slid open, and they entered the red hallway just in time for Darth Wesker to enter from the opposite door. This caused our heroes to make tire-squeeling sounds as they stopped dead in their tracks.

"Darth Wesker"! Jill yelled as he approached.

Liquid quickly drew his blaster pistols, but Wesker waved his hand, using the force to send him flying backwards into the wall.

"I bet that hurt". He said as Liquid fell to the floor. "Now let's see... I've been waiting a long time to get my hands on you, Jill... and as for you...

"Me"? Chris asked.

"Yes, you". "When Darth Nikoli sent me that picture I thought he had been using Photoshop to mess with me, and even now I can hardly believe my eyes". "How in the blue fuck are you still alive"? "How did you convince the Jedi to spare you"?

Chris was more than confused by these questions.

"Spare me"? He asked. "What are you talking about"?

Now it was Wesker's turn to stand there dumbfounded by a question.

"Are you fucking serious"? Wesker asked. "Damn, the Jedi must have done some mad mojo to your brain, huh"?

"What are you talking about"? Chris asked.

"I'm talking about you... Revan".

(FLASHBACK)

"I've heard the force can really fuck your mind". Liquid said. "It can wipe away your memories, and destroy your very identity".

(FLASHFORWARD)

"What"? Chris asked. "Revan"?

(FLASHBACK)

"Lucky for you". Jill said. "The Jedi do not believe in killing their prisoners, no matter how sick and twisted their crimes are".

(FLASHFORWARD)

"Yes". Wesker said. "Revan".

(FLASHBACK)

There was no time to react as the other Sith warship began firing at the one they were on, and the explosion engulfed Darth Revan, making him lose consiousness as he and Jill hit the floor. His mask had also been sent sliding across the floor, and as Jill turned him over to see if the dark lord was still alive...

It was Chris's face that she saw.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"No"! Chris screamed as he fell to his knees. "NOOOOOOO"!

"Yes". Wesker replied. "Feel the despair clawing at your very soul as you realise that you were once the dark lord of the Sith... and I stole it out from under you, MUAHAHAHAHAHA"! "I ordered my ships to blow your flagship to hell, and you were supposed to go with it... but what can you do"?

"Jill... is this true"?

"I'm afraid so, Chris". She replied. "You were damn near dead after that explosion, but the Jedi used the force to keep you alive".

"But... why"?

"Duh, it was the only way for us to find the Starforge".

"But how come I don't remember any of this"?

Jill shook her head.

"Remember the dreams that led you to the starmaps"? She asked. "We needed that information in order to find the Starforge, but you were too dangerous for us to handle, so the Jedi masters replaced your identity with that of a complete tool so that you could never pose a serious threat to us". "You were then transfered to my ship in order for me to unlock the starmap locations, but we got ambushed over Taris... and you know the rest".

"Wow, that sucks". Wesker replied. "The great and powerful Darth Revan reduced to... Chris". "Killing you right now would be an act of mercy".

"Hold the frickin phone". Liquid said as he got up. "Are you saying that Saul wasn't joking when he told me that this stupid son of a bitch is actually Darth Revan"?

He picked up the blaster pistols, and this time aimed one at Wesker while the other was aimed at Jill and Chris.

"I outta kill all three of you". Liquid continued. "But instead I'm gonna walk outta here so that you guys free to tear eachother to pieces".

"Ain't no one goin nowhere". Wesker replied. "And the only one here that I want alive is Jill... so both of you scumbags are just gonna have to die".

"You want her, you got her".

Liquid suddenly grabbed Jill and tossed her into Darth Wesker, making them both fall to the floor. Then he grabbed Chris by the hair, and forced him to run toward the far door.

"We can't leave Jill"! Chris yelled as the door opened.

"Wanna bet"? Liquid asked as they went through.

He shot the door controls as they entered the hanger, causing the door to seal. Then they ran toward the Ebon Hawk, and Liquid dragged Chris onboard before running to the cockpit.

Since the tractor beam was disabled,it was easy for the ship to exit the docking bay, and once they were clear, Liquid hit the final button for the course that he had plotted for Manaan. This caused everyone to be knocked on their asses as the Ebon Hawk jumped to hyperspace.

But Wesker was not finished with them. After throwing Jill into one of the holding cells, he had gotten to the bridge just in time to see them blast away. Magicly there was a whole other crew to replace the ones who had been killed earlier, so this meant that he could still get them.

"Where did they go"? He asked the nearest crewman.

"I don't know, Sir". He replied. "They must have hyperdrive on that thing".

"And what do we have on this thing, a Quisinart"?

"No, Sir".

"Well find them, catch them"!

"Yes, Sir"!

He ran over to the terminal and hit the intercom button.

"Match their course". He said. "And prepare ship for light speed".

"No". Wesker replied. "Light speed is too slow".

"Light speed too slow"?

"Yes, we're gonna have to go right to... Ludicrous speed".

(Dramatic music is played)

"Ludicrous speed"? The crewman asked. "Sir, this ship has never gone that fast before, I don't know if it can

He was interupted as Darth Wesker put him in a headlock and broke his neck. Then he stepped up to the intercom.

"Now hear this". Wesker said as everyone buckled up. "Ludicrous speed... go".

Instantly the stars became stretched as they entered hyperspace, but upon reaching the full power of Ludicrous speed Wesker had to hold onto the guardrail as his feet left the floor.

"What have I done"? Wesker yelled as the G-force continued to increase. "My brains are going into my feet"!

Still the warship continued to gain speed, and a few seconds later they flew right past the Ebon Hawk.

"We passed them"! He yelled. "We have to stop"!

"We can't stop". Another crewman replied. "We have to slow down first".

"Bullshit"! "Just stop this thing, I order you... STOP"!

The crewman grabbed the emergency stop lever and pulled, instantly bringing the ship to a dead stop. This also caused Darth Wesker to scream as he was thrown across the bridge and right through a control panel as the engines died from the power strain.

A few minutes later the Ebon Hawk, still in hyperspace, flew right by them on its way to the planet Manaan and toward the final starmap location.


	53. Plot Twist Reactions

Now that the immediate danger had been averted, Liquid put the Ebon Hawk into auto pilot and allowed himself a moment to relax.

"Where are we headed"? Ada asked as she entered the cockpit.

"Manaan". He replied. "Its the only planet left for us to search".

"Ok... so where's Jill"?

Liquid started to say something, but then stopped as he got out of his chair.

"Have everyone come to the map room". He said as he started walking away. "There's some things they need to know".

Not a minute later everyone was assembled (one of the benefits of having such a small ship), and Liquid walked into the center of the chamber.

"Ok, everyone". He began. "I have good news, bad news, and some shit you won't frickin believe". "The good news is that we have escaped from the Sith, and are on course to the last planet of this stupid mission". "The bad news is that Jill was captured by Darth Wesker, and after sodomising her repeatedly, he will probably blast her into space or something".

"What"? Ada yelled. "Jill got captured"? "How did that happen"?

"She sacrificed herself so that we could get away". "I just hope that her death won't be in vein".

Chris started to object, but stopped when Liquid put his hand on one of his blaster pistols.

"Liquid is only half right". Sam Jackson replied. "Sure, Wesker will probably spend a few hours having his way with her just like any one of us would in that situation, but he won't kill her".

"Why not"? Leon asked.

"Because not only is she a hot piece of ass, but as a Jedi she can be easily corrupted by the darkside, and then he can have her use that battle meditation thing she does against the Republic".

(Dramatic music is played)

"How did you know about that"? Ashley asked. "Weren't you stuck on that planet for like twenty years or something"?

"Hey, Ashley". He replied. "Have you even been alive for twenty years"?

"No".

"Then shut the fuck up, and stop questioning the elements of this story that make no sense". "The important thing now is that we find the Starforge before Wesker uses Jill to beat the Republic".

"Yeah, like he needs her". Liquid said. "Even with Jill on their side, the Republic has done nothing but get its ass kicked since this war started". "Personally I hope that both sides wipe eachother completely out of exsistance, then the Hutts can take over and I might finally be able to land a decent job".

"Great, but we have a more important issue right now". Ada replied. "Now that Jill is out of the picture... who is in charge around here"?

Everyone was silent as they looked at eachother for a minute or two.

"I know". Barry said. "Its Liquid's ship, so he should be in charge, right"?

In responce to this Ashley picked up a spray bottle, and shot some water into Barry's face, making him scream as he ran to the other side of the room.

"This is a Jedi mission". Ada replied. "So a Jedi should be in charge, and I pick... me".

"There's three Jedi here, Ada". Sam Jackson argued. "And I know that Chris is not being considered, but what if I want to be in charge"?

"I should be in charge". Leon said.

"NOT ON YOUR LIFE"! Everyone screamed.

"How about no one is in charge"? Liquid asked. "We're already headed to Manaan, so let's just finish this mission and then we can go our seperate ways while trying our best to forget that any of this ever happened".

Everyone looked at eachother again.

"Whatever, fight over power all you want". He continued as he started toward the cockpit. "This is my ship regardless of whoever is placed in charge, so I'm taking a nap".

"Hold on, Liquid". Ashley replied. "What was the other thing you were gonna tell us"? "You know, the thing you said we wouldn't believe".

Liquid stopped walking, and then he came back into the room.

"Oh nothing much". He explained. "Its just that Chris here is actually Darth Revan".

(Dramatic music is played)

The room got completely silent as all eyes fell on Chris. They all just stared at him for the longest time before the snickering started, and full blown laughter was not far behind. Soon everyone was laughing so hard that tears were coming out of their eyes, and almost five minutes passed before they could get themselves under control.

"Good one, Liquid Ada said. "You sure know how to lighten the mood, huh"?

"I thought it was a joke at first, too". Liquid continued. "But Saul Karath and Darth Wesker swore to it, and it was even confirmed by Jill that this little son of a bitch is the most powerful Sith lord to ever live".

The snickering started again, but stopped after everyone saw that Liquid and Chris had very serious looks on their faces. So instead of laughing, everyone drew their weapons.

"So what should we do with him"? Ashley asked as they all aimed at Chris.

"I'm not sure". Liquid replied. "I brought him back here so that I could kill him myself, but maybe we should just fuck him up a bit and then drag him under the keel or something". "After all, death might be too good for the cock sucker that blew up my planet".

"Oh, come on Liquid". Leon interupted. "Everyone knows that it was Wesker who bombed Telos".

"Leon, do you honestly believe the crap that comes out of your mouth"?

"Sometimes".

"Well, even if Wesker ordered it to happen, and even if Saul actually did it, the first rule of leadership is that everything is your fault, so Revan was responsible".

"HANG HIM"! Barry screamed as he tossed a thick rope over one of the rafters.

"What"? Chris exclaimed. "But you swore a lifedebt to me"!

"You saved me once, Craig" "And I've saved you like a hundred times since then, so I think we're square".

"But isn't a lifedebt for, you know... life"?

"What kind of bullshit are you talkin about"? "That kind of slavery sounds like something a Sith would say, SO HANG HIM"!

Suddenly everyone grabbed Chris, and he screamed as they dragged him over to where Sam Jackson was just finishing the noose. Then they made him stand on a stool that just happened to be there, and held him in place.

"How's this for irony"? Sam asked as he put it around Chris's neck. "Black guy hangin a white dude, gotta love it".

"NOOOOO"! Chris squealed. "I DON'T WANNA BE HANGED"!

"And I didn't want my wife and son to be killed". Liquid replied. "Life's a bitch, huh"?

"Please don't do this"! "I'm not Darth Revan, I'm Chris"! "I'm Chris, I tell you"! "Have I ever done anything to suggest that I was a Sith lord"? "I'm one of the good guys, and I really don't wanna die"!

Everyone had to jump back in order to avoid the expanding urine stain on Chris's pants, and just looking at this sorry excuse for a man was making them doubt themselves.

"Uh, Liquid". Ada asked. "Are you sure they said he was Darth Revan"?

"Yeah". He replied. "The Jedi did some shit to his mind in order to make him the way he is now, but its him".

"So they took Darth Revan, and reduced him to... Chris"? "Cut him down".

Sam Jackson grumbled as he took the noose off Chris's neck.

"Lucky break". He whispered. "But I'll get you yet, white boy".

"What are you doing"? Liquid asked as Chris was allowed to step off the stool. "This cocksucker started this whole war, and blew up my planet".

"And now he's Chris". Ada replied. "Imagine that one day you're the most powerful Sith lord to ever exsist, and the next day you're Chris". "Doesn't that seem like a punishment worse than death"?

"Well... I guess its pretty fucked up, but can't we just kill him anyway"?

"No, because we need every available person to help with this mission, even if they are nothing but a bullet shield". "Look Liquid, I know that you are a little ball of hate by nature, but right now we need everyone to work together". "Besides, does Chris really seem like that much of a threat".

Liquid looked at Chris for a second.

"No, not really". He replied. "And I suppose that he's done nothing but try to help out in his own Chris-like way... but I wanna kill him so bad". "Come on, just let me kill him a little".

"No"! "Once we save the galaxy you can do whatever you want, but for now you need to control yourself". "So in order to curb your blind rage, I want you to think about the happiest memory of your entire life".

"I don't wanna".

"Just try it, Liquid". "Even something as used up and twisted as you has to have some good memories". "So pick the best one and focus on it".

Liquid knew that she was right about them needing Chris, so he closed his eyes and started searching his memory for some happiness.

"I got it". He said. "That time that I went on vacation to All God's Village". "Thinking of that time should calm me down a bit".

(FLASHBACK)

After arriving in the old Japanese village, Liquid quickly found the nearest tavern in which to drown himself in whatever was cheap and strong. So he sat down at the bar, and had just gotten his first drink, when a very cute girl sat down next to him.

"Hi". She said. "I'm Mio, and this is my sister, Mayu".

"Hi". A girl who looked exactly the same said as she sat on the other side of him.

"Well, happy birthday to me". Liquid replied as he finished his drink. "So what brings a couple of gorgeous girls like you anywhere near someone like me"?

"We lost a bet". Mayu explained. "We bet that there was no way that Spain could have won the two thousand ten world cup, and now we have to sleep with the next guy who sits at this bar".

"That would be you". Mio continued.

"Really"? Liquid asked. "Both of you"?

"Both of us".

"At the same time"?

"At the same time". Mayu said. "You see, we've always been really close". "This means that we do everything... and everyone... at the same time".

"YES"! "Well, time's a waistin so let's go back to my hotel room and you two can try to out do eachother on me".

"Ok". Mio said as she picked up a really old looking camera. "But first we need a shot of you with the Camera Obscura". "It takes pictures of things that people shouldn't see".

"I bet". "Ok, go ahead".

Mio aimed the camera, and there was a bright flash before Liquid woke up in a bathtub full of ice.

"What the"? He asked as he looked around.

There was a note taped to his chest, and it said:

WE HAVE REMOVED YOUR KIDNEY

HOPE YOU DON'T DIE

-LOVE MIO AND MAYU

"Oh, damn it". Liquid said to himself as he looked at the new scar on his left side. "Oh well, good thing I got two, ot I'd be in deep...

His words stopped as he looked at the really old scar on his right side.

"OH FUCK"! He screamed as he climbed out of the tub.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"I'LL KILL HIM"! Liquid screamed as Ada tried to restrain him. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find your own kidney on the black market"?

It seemed like nothing was going to stop Liquid from killing Chris, but then Sam Jackson picked up a small pipe from the floor, and busted him in the back of the head. This made Liquid lose consiousness as he fell to the floor.

"Ok, that's enough excitement for one day". He said. "Now I suggest that everyone get their mother fuckin asses to bed before we get to Manaan". "And if anyone disagrees, I'll be happy to give them the same pipe treatment that I just gave to the good Captain here".

So after dumping Liquid back into the pilot's seat, the lights in the ship began to shut off as everyone vanished into their sleeping quarters. In fact the only one doing anything on the ship was T3-M4 who was once again starting over on the repairs to HK-47.


	54. Docking At Manaan

On the Sith warship, two guards stood outside the door to Darth Wesker's private quarters. There they listened intently to the conversation taking place inside.

"At last, Jill". Wesker said. "At last I have you in my clutches... to have my way with you... the way I want to... and there is nothing you can do about it".

The guards snickered at this, but if they had been inside they would have seen not a captured Jill, but Darth Wesker sitting at his desk with action figures of this story's cast set up as if some kind of a game.

"No, I hate you". He said in a higher voice as he moved the Jill figure. "Leave me alone, you fiend".

"Not so fast, Wesker". He said in a nerdy voice as he moved the Chris figure closer.

"Revan"! He made the Wesker figure say.

"That's right it's me". "I'm hear to save a woman that I could never even have a chance of sleeping with". "So let's get him, guys".

"I'd love to help". Wesker slurred as he moved the Liquid figure. "But I'm too drunk and worthless to give a damn, so see ya later".

"Yeah, us too". He made all the other figures say.

He pushed them to the other side of the desk, leaving just the Wesker, Jill, and Chris figures left.

"Your friends have abandoned you, Revan". He said as he moved the Wesker figure. "Now take this"!

He made karate noises as he used the Wesker figure to knock the Chris figure down, then he moved the Wesker and Jill figures back together.

"Finally we are alone". He said. "Kiss me".

"No". He said as he moved the Jill figure. "Leave me alone, I hate you, I hate you... and yet... I find you strangely attractive".

Suddenly the door was thrown open by the green ranger, and Wesker quickly pulled the figures close to him so that they couldn't be seen.

"Lord Wesker"! He yelled. "The prisoner has been moved to the temple as ordered"!

"KNOCK"! Wesker screamed. "How many times do I have to tell you to knock on my door before you come in"?

"Yes, Sir".

"Did you see anything"?

"No, Lord Wesker, I didn't see you playing with your dolls again".

"Good, now get out"!

The green ranger left the room, and Wesker waited for a second before putting the figures back where he had them before.

"So, Jill". He made the Wesker figure say. "Where were we"?

Through the misty haze a starmap could be seen opening in the darkness. Everything was distorted as if looking through water, and bubbles could be seen floating upward as everything faded away.

Chris awoke to what sounded like muffled music coming from the center chamber of the ship. So he got out of bed, and walked down the hall to see that the game Rock Band had been set up and plugged into the 3-D monitor that they usually used to view the galaxy map.

Leon was using the drums, Barry had the guitar, and Liquid had the microphone. They appeared to be in the middle of a song, so Chris stayed back to watch.

"I wanna roll with him, a hard pair we'll be". Liquid sang. "A little gambling is fun with me, I love it". "Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun, and baby when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun, fun". "Oh, oh, oh I'll get him hot, show him what I got". "Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my poker face".

"She's got to love nobody". Leon and Barry sang.

"Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my poker face".

"She's got to love nobody".

The song stopped suddenly as the ship rocked to the side. This made everyone stumble a bit as an alarm started going off in the cockpit.

"Crap, we got here early"! Liquid yelled as he ran for the pilot's seat. "And get that shit put away before someone sees it"! "Next thing you know, they'll all want to play"!

Leon and Barry scrambled to get the Rock Band game unpluged and put away, succeding just before everyone started coming out of their rooms.

"What's going on"? Ada asked as the ship shook a bit.

She stumbled into the wall, and then made her way into the cockpit where Liquid was fighting with the controls. Apparently after entering the atmosphere of the planet Manaan, the humidity and tropical storms had attacked the Ebon Hawk like flies on shit, and now it was an epic battle to land them safely.

"I can't see a thing"! Liquid yelled as he wrestled the controls. "The very small landing pad of the only surface city is dead ahead, and I have to rely on what the computer tells me as far as speed and altitude"! "Man, this is worse than Top Gun for the NES"!

The lights flickered and sparks began coming out of the wall panels as the storms raged on. Liquid fought the controls as best as he could, but then lightning struck the Ebon Hawk. This jolt caused everyone to get knocked off their feet, and Liquid's head slammed into the landing gear release button, making the landing struts come out just in time for the ship to touch down on the landing pad.

But then all the lights went out as the Ebon Hawk lost power, and the only sounds that could be heard were that of the tropical storm as thunder crashed and heavy rain continued to pound the hull.

"What the hell was all that about"? Ada asked as she sat up against the wall. "How the hell are you gonna fly right into a hurricane"?

"First off". Liquid replied as he leaned back in the chair. "Its a tropical storm, not a hurricane". "And second off, ITS A WATER PLANET"! "What kind of weather did you expect to find on the surface of a world with no natural surface land to keep these kind of storms from forming, huh"? "Did you expect it to be a tropical paradise with clear skies and perfect taning conditions"?

Ada had nothing to say back to this, so instead she got up and headed for the map room where the others were still sitting on the ground in the darkness. However there was enough light coming in from the windows, so seeing was not a problem.

"Ok, we've landed". She announced. "I need the droid to begin repairing the ship, while Chris and one other person come with me to explore this planet".

"That's really getting old". Liquid replied as he entered the room.

"What do you mean"?

"The whole party selection thing". "There's like seven people on this ship, so why should only three or four get to have fun while the others are stuck in this ship"?

"What are you suggesting"?

"I'm suggesting that Ahto city is a big place, so we should divide into teams in order to not only get a chance to stretch our legs, but also to find your stupid starmap faster".

Ada thought for a second.

"I guess that could work". She said. "But I don't want anyone going off on their own, ok"? "So Chris and Barry get to come with me".

"I get the white girl"! Sam Jackson yelled.

"Alright, then I guess its you and me, Leon". Liquid replied. "Everyone ready"?

"But it's raining". Chris said.

"No shit it's raining". Ashley replied. "This is the water planet of Manaan, you butt-nugget". "The weather here ranges from heavy rain to level five hurricane".

"What's wrong, Revan"? Liquid asked. "Is the big bad Sith lord afraid to get wet"?

"I am not a Sith lord"! Chris yelled. "I am Chris Redfield, champion of everything that is good and decent"! "I shall prove to all of you that I live only to serve the Republic, and I shall do this by not only finding the final starmap, but also going to the Starforge, and defeating Darth Wesker!" "Then I will be a hero, and you guys will be like: Wow, you're a hero, we was sure wrong about you". "And I'll be like: Damn right you was". "And you'll be like: How can we ever make it up to you"? "And I'll be like: Well you can start by

He was interupted as a blaster bolt hit the wall right next to his head.

"Sorry". Liquid said as he holstered it. "I must have slipped". "Let's go Leon".

Everyone followed Liquid over to the boarding ramp, and they were greeted by a water-filled wind as it lowered down. The rain was coming down in sheets, making it hard to walk down the ramp, and as soon as they were on the ground, they discovered that everything was covered by about a half a foot of water.

Not to mention that everything smelled like fish.

"Well, this just gets better and better, huh"? Sam Jackson asked as they walked toward a heavy door. "Now all we need is a Sith presence, and it will be perfect".

The heavy door opened as they approached, and on the other side a Republic soldier was arguing with a Sith. But atleast they were protected from the rain.

"You Republic scumbags are nothing but a joke". The Sith said. "After Darth Wesker finishes ass-raping the core worlds, the men will build temples for him, the women will be his sex slaves, and the children will be forced to make Nike shoes for eighteen hours a day in his sweat-shops".

"Whatever, Sith". The Republic soldier replied. "Your reign of terror will last about as long as the NWO did on WCW back in the ninties".

"Just long enough to get a blowjob from every Republic slave, huh"?

This angered the Republic soldier so much that he took a swing at the Sith, but then an alarm sounded and a bunch of fish-people dropped down from outa nowhere. They spent about a minute beating the Republic soldier with the stock of their blaster rifles, before dragging him away as the Sith soldier laughed.

"What the hell just happened"? Ada asked.

"Oh, nothing". The Sith replied. "The Selkath people take their neutrality laws very seriously". "So seriously in fact that you will get curb-stomped and taken to jail for so much as making a threatening gesture". "However trash-talk is ok, so we love nothing better than to goad stupid Republic bitches into making an aggressive move". "Well, see ya later".

"He's not joking". Liquid said as the Sith walked away. "The Selkath have a pretty sweet deal, selling Kolto to both the Republic and the Sith". "So they can't risk any fighting breaking out in Ahto city".

"What's Kolto"? Ashley asked.

"It's the base element that makes all of our futuristic medical technology possible, and this planet is the only natural source of it in the known galaxy". "You see, it rises up from the ocean floor and the Selkath collect it to be processed and sold for a brain-numbing price".

"How do you know all this"?

"I spent some time flying a cargo shuttle for the Republic, before I went to jail that is". "Anyway, let's move on".

They walked down the same hallway that the Sith soldier had gone down, and after passing several other landing pads, they came to what appeared to be a customs booth next to a door that was guarded by two nasty looking droids.

"Welcome to Ahto city". The Selkath in the booth said. "Is your visit here for business or pleasure"?

"I'll handle this". Leon said as he stepped forward. "We are not able to disclose the details of our business here on this fish-bowl of a planet, so how about you just open the door, and we'll be

He was interupted as two Selkath came around the corner, grabbed him, and dragged Leon behind a search wall.

"Sorry about that". The Selkath in the booth continued. "You see, being a rude ignorant prick-monster is one of our red flags, which means that your associate will have to endure a rather invasive body-cavety search".

Suddenly a blood-curdling scream came from behind the search wall.

"Now, was your visit for business or pleasure"? He asked.

"Pleasure". Liquid quickly replied. "I'm here to compete in the Manaan Swoop circuit, and these are my adoring fans who have come from several different planets in order to worship me".

The Selkath just looked at him for a second, then he pushed a button which brought up Liquid's face on his terminal.

"Hey, I know you". He continued. "You won on Tattooine, right"? "Weren't you last year's second place winner here too"?

"Uh, yeah". "So can we go in"?

"Sure... as soon as you pay the docking fee". "Twenty-five credits is all it takes to get into our wonderful city, but if for some reason you don't want to pay, my droids here will be more than happy to fuck you up a bit".

Liquid thought for a second, before walking over to Chris and taking a twenty-five credits chip out of his pocket.

"Hey"! He yelled. "That's my last credits"!

"Its for a good cause". Liquid replied as he set it on the booth. "I thought you were all about proving how good and selfless you could be".

"Aw... you're right". "If I must part with my last bit of money for the good of the cause, than I shall do it".

The Selkath looked at Chris funny, before picking up the credits, and moving to the other end of the booth.

He then pushed a button, and the door opened as Leon stumbled out from behind the search wall. His hair was all messed up, and he had a traumatized look on his face.

"He's clean". The other Selkath said as they walked back around the corner.

Liquid started to say something, but then shook his head and everyone followed him as he walked down the hall that led into Ahto city.


	55. Ahto City Justice

The hallway turned out to be pretty short, and at the end was a large door that lead to a large courtyard of some kind. The good news was that there were plenty of paths to choose from as far as exploration, but the bad news was that the courtyard was outside, so everyone was once again getting soaked to the bone.

"Let's go over there". Sam Jackson said as he saw what looked like a tavern of some kind.

It took a second to get across the courtyard since there was even more water on the ground here than there had been at the landing pad, but soon they were inside and thankfuly it was dry.

Other then themselves there were only a few others in the tavern at all. There was a Selkath at each end of the bar, and the only other person around was a woman in a Sith officer's uniform. But she seemed a bit drunk as she leaned over her drink.

"Let's ask around". Ada suggested. "Maybe someone in here known something about the starmap, or any other crisis-level emergencies that we always seem to arrive just in time to solve".

"You want information"? Chris asked. "I'll get it for you".

He stuck out his chest as he walked over to the first Selkath, and he was about to demand some answers, but was stopped as the Selkath grabbed him and shoved him against the wall. Then the took out a blaster pistol, and shoved the barrel into Chris's mouth.

"You look like a Republic piece of shit". He said. "So I'm not gonna kill you if you answer a question for me". "And don't think for a second that the security forces are gonna save you, because the neutrality laws only apply to offworlders and a few random others for dramatic effect". "Now, the Republic has been hiring alot of mercenaries lately, and I want to know why". "Do you know the answer"?

Chris quickly shook his head, and the Selkath put his weapon away.

"Oh well, it was worth a shot". He said as he walked toward the door. "See ya later".

Meanwhile Leon had approached the other Selkath, increasing his caution level dramaticly after seeing what had happened to Chris.

"Excuse me". He said politely. "I was wondering if you

He was interupted as the Selkath took a tazer out from under his jacket, and stuck it into Leon's stomach. The fish-man then picked up a chair, and broke it over his head, making Leon knock over a table as he fell to the floor.

"Where are they"? The Selkath demanded as he began kicking Leon. "I know you know something"!

"What are you talking about"? Leon asked.

"The missing Selkath youth, you offworld piece of monkey-shit"! "Our children are vanishing, and I will not rest until I find out where they are"! "If it was up to me, all of you fucking offworlders would be caged just like the human they got on trial for murder"!

He kicked Leon one more time just for good measure, and then began shouting in his native language as he left the tavern. Now there was only one possible source of information left, and it was Liquid's turn as he approached the rather cute Sith woman.

"Hi there". He said as he sat next to her. "I'd buy you a drink, but then I'd just get jelous of the glass".

She finished what was left in the glass, and then she grabbed Liquid and kissed him.

"I love cheesy pickup lines". She said. "Tell me another one before the beer-goggles wear off".

"Um, ok". He replied. "You might as well sleep with me, because I'm gonna tell everyone that you did either way".

"YES"! "More"! "More"!

"Can I take a picture of you"? "I wanna show Santa what I want for Christmas".

"ENOUGH"! "Come with me"!

She grabbed Liquid by the hair, and had another shot before pulling him away from the bar. She dragged him toward the back of the tavern, and then shoved him into the bathroom before locking the door behind them.

"Did that really just happen"? Sam Jackson asked as Chris and Leon got back to the group. "Lucky little bastard".

"And what about you two"? Ada asked. "I don't suppose that you learned anything useful during your ass-whoopins"?

"Actually I did". Chris replied. "He said that the Republic has been hiring alot of mercenaries lately".

"I learned something too". Leon said. "Selkath youth have been disapearing... and some guy is gonna be on trial for murder pretty soon". "Hey... where did Liquid go"?

"Well, its a good thing that we broke up into teams". Ada continued. "Because that would be alot of shit for just one small group to do". "So, here's the plan: My group will go the Republic embassy in order to try to get some answers, Sam I want you and Ashley to see what's up about that murder trial, and Leon... wait for Liquid to get outa the bathroom, and try to keep him from doing anything crimminal". "Ready... break"!

It did not take more than a few seconds for the groups to split up, and thankfully all of the large directory signs made it really simple for Ashley and Sam Jackson to get on the right path toward the courthouse.

"So what are we supposed to do"? Ashley asked as they walked.

"Beats me". He replied. "I guess that we just watch the trial and ask the guy some questions if they let him go".

"And if they don't let him go"?

"Then hopefully they have an open bar at his execution".

The signs led them toward the west end of the city, and they passed through several small hallways, each one leading to another outside section.

"What is the point of that"? Ashley asked.

"The point of what"? He replied.

"The point of these hallways". "They are like fifteen feet long, and then you just have to get wet again". "Its almost better to just stay out in the rain".

It did not take long for them to reach the building that was the courthouse, so they walked inside and were dissapointed to see that a trial was already in progress. But there was not a single person on trial, instead there was a representitive from both the Sith and the Republic standing in front of the panel of three judges.

There were also several of the same attack droids that guarded the customs booth.

"My men were provoked, your honors". The Republic man said.

"Provoked, nothing". The Sith replied. "It was a fair fight".

"It was six against three"!

"That's pretty fair by Sith standards". "I can't help it if Republic soldiers enjoy getting their asses kicked".

"ENOUGH"! The center judge said. "Provokation is irrelevent since even school children know enough to ignore the words of others, and as for the offence itself... I am fining a total of ten thousand credits to each of your embassys".

"But that's not fair"! The Sith yelled.

"You're right, its not fair at all". "I should have you executed... in fact, that's a pretty good idea". "EXECUTE THEM AT ONCE"!

The droids raised their weapons, and quickly gunned down both representitives.

"I tell ya". The judge continued as the bodies were dragged away. "You try to be nice to some people, and they just throw it in your face".

"Let's get outa here". Sam Jackson whispered.

"Who are you"!

"Crap, run"!

They tried to get out, but the doors slammed shut and locked before they could.

"More humans"? The judge asked. "Step forward".

The droids aimed their weapons as Sam and Ashley slowly made their way toward the panel of judges.

"Hurry up"! The center judge yelled.

They ran up to where the Sith and Republic representitives had been standing, and were almost shaking in fear as the judges glared at them.

"Evesdropping on a trial is a capital offence". The judge continued. "Punishable by death, so execute

"Hold on". The left judge interupted. "Are they here to volunteer for the position of trial Arbitor"?

"Yes, that's it"! Sam Jackson quickly replied. "We have come here to volunteer for the position of Arbitor".

"What's an Arbitor"? Ashley whispered.

"I don't know, but its gotta be better than death".

"Excellent". The center judge said as the droids lowered their weapons. "As Arbitors for the defence, it will be your duty to try and prove the innocence of the accused in the upcoming trial".

It seemed that they were in luck. Now they would get to see if this person knew anything once they freed him.

"When does the trial begin"? Sam asked.

"Right now". The Selkath replied.

Suddenly the doors opened, and a black man with big hair was brought in wearing chains. He was set in the defendant's chair, and a second later a Sith officer walked in to take position as the Prosecuter.

"Court is now in session". The center judge announced. "Case number five one one three seven four eight two three, Shorty of the Republic versus the Sith as well as the alws of Manaan". "Prisiding judges Boris".

"Joris". The left judge said.

"And Morris". The right judge said.

"Shorty has been accused". Judge Boris continued. "Of killing the Sith woman Elassa in cold blood at the Ahto city hotel last night". "Call your first witness, prosecuter".

"The prosecution calls". The Sith replied. "Ignus, owner of the Ahto city hotel".

Instantly a man entered the courtroom, and stood before the judges.

"Ignus". The prosecuter continued. "You own and operate the Ahto city hotel, correct".

"I sure do". Ignus replied.

"Was Shorty there on the night of the murder"?

"I think so". "Yeah, he was there with that pretty Sith girl, and then a blaster shot woke me up from my nap, and then when I came out Elassa was dead".

"Sleeping on the job"? Judge Boris yelled. "Being a lazy fuck is punishable by death"!

The droids raised their weapons, and shot Ignus several times.

"No further questions". The Sith said as the body was taken away. "We would now like to call Gluppor the Rodian to the stand".

"Since the defence did not get to question the last witness". Judge Joris replied as a Rodian took the stand. "The Arbitor may now question this one".

"Watch this". Sam Jackson said as he got up. "What do you know about the murder, Rodian"?

"I was staying at the hotel". Glupor replied. "I heard a blaster shot, and when I came out I saw Elassa dead in her room, with some of Shorty's bling clutched in her dead hand".

Suddenly Sam walked right up to Glupor, and grabbed him by the shirt.

"You planted that shit, didn't you"? He yelled. "You were paid to frame him as part of some bullshit Sith conspiracy, weren't you"? "ANSWER ME GOD DAMN YOU"!

He then started backhanding Glupor again and again, stopping only when he had broke down into tears.

"Alright"! Glupor yelled. "I admit it"! "I'll say anything you want, just don't hit me"!

The rodian continued to cry as he ran from the courtroom.

"For my next witness". Sam continued. "I would like to call Shorty to the stand".

The defendant got up and went over to the witness stand.

"Shorty". Sam said. "How would you describe the late Elassa"?

"She had the phat ass, son". Shorty replied. "It was like BAM"!

"I see... and what was your relationship with Elassa"?

"We was real close, but then the rufees wore off and she woke up talkin about pressin charges and shit". "So I just popped my tongue out her ass and left".

"This is going nowhere"! Judge Boris yelled. "Just execute all of them"!

The droids raised their weapons, making Sam and Ashley run for their lives as Shorty and the prosecuter were gunned down.

"This planet sucks"! Sam Jackson yelled as they got outside. "I'm goin back to the ship before anything else fucked up happens"!

"What about the others"? Ashley asked.

"They know where the ship is".

Soon they were away from the courthouse, and on their way back to the Ebon Hawk.


	56. Swoop Registration

Even in the ever increasingly heavy rain, it was not very hard at all to find the location of the Republic embassy. Well, atleast the general direction where it could be found.

So after going east through a few small sectors of the city, Chris, Ada, and Barry felt a glimmer of hope as the big yellow emblem of the Republic could be seen on the other side of the street.

"There it is"! Chris yelled. "Let's hurry"!

He started running, but was stopped halfway across the street as he ran right into three Sith soldiers.

"Watch it, douche-monger"! Their leader yelled as he pushed Chris to the ground.

The Sith soldiers laughed at him as he pulled himself to his feet, and now Chris was angry. He was tired of people pushing him around and calling him names, so now it was time to teach these assholes a lesson.

"Douche-monger"? Chris yelled. "Mother fucker, do you know who I am"?

"Let me guess". Their leader replied. "Dark lord of the Sith"?

"Well... actually... yeah". "So you clowns better watch your P's and Q's or I just might have to put a few dents in those silly looking helmets of yours".

They just looked at him for a second.

"As I thought". The Sith leader continued. "Just another simpering little Republic pillow-biter who talks big but nothing else". "You might be almost safe here in the open, but if we didn't have to walk on eggshells for the Selkath, I swear to Christ that we would castrate you in front of all these people".

He pushed Chris down again, and the Sith soldiers quickly ran off as Ada and Barry got there.

"What are you doing, Chris"? Ada asked as he got up. "We're supposed to be heading for the embassy, not laying down in the middle of the street like a God damned hobo".

"But there were three Sith". Chris explained. "They jumped me, and I had no choice but to fight all of them off with my bare hands, but the whole ordeal left me so tired that I had to rest for a second".

"Right, and that's why the Selkath didn't drop down and drag all of you off to prison".

She then smacked him in the mouth, and grabbed him by the shirt collar.

"Listen up, dumbass". She continued as she pulled him closer. "Jill might have put up with your half-retarded nonsense, but I'm running this now, and from now on you are gonna pull your head out of your ass". "Do you understand me"?

He quickly nodded, and Ada shoved him back to the water-covered ground.

"Good". She said as she started walking toward the embassy. "Now get up and let's go".

"Wow, Craig". Barry said as Chris got up. "You sure got a way with the ladies".

They followed Ada the rest of the way across the street, and into a large building that proudly displayed the Republic logo on everything. It was good to be out of the rain, and they were greeted by a man who stood by a booth that was next to a security door.

"Greetings". He said as they approached. "I am Roland Wann, and on behalf of the Republic I would like to welcome you to our embassy". "Now what can I do for you folks today"?

"I'm Ada, and these two are Chris and Barry". Ada replied. "We've come from the Jedi order and are trying to

"THE JEDI ORDER"? "That's the best news I've heard all week"! "And is that a Kashyyykian mercenary with you"? "YES"! "Come with me, and we can talk inside".

He used his keycard to open the security door, and they followed him into the embassy where dozens of Republic soldiers were hard at work. Kolto was being loaded, Sith spies were being tortured behind closed doors, and top scientists were desperatly trying to discover the Colenel's eleven herbs and spices.

But past all that was an office where Roland locked the door once they were inside. Then he closed the blinds on the windows, and checked for listening devices before relaxing a little.

"Now, to business". He continued. "As you have probably heard, the Republic has been hiring alot of mercenaries lately, and I'm hoping to add your services to that list". "You see we've lost contact with a secret undersea research facility, and the mercenaries were sent down to find out what happened".

"And what did they find out"? Ada asked.

"I don't know... because they never returned".

(Dramatic music is played)

"What kind of research facility"? Ada asked.

"Oh, just the usual stuff: medical experimentation, weapons research, stealing the kolto out from under the Selkath's nose".

"What was that last one"?

"Weapons research". "Now I hope that you will be willing to investigate Harkret station for us, because if not than you already know too much".

Suddenly a dozen hatches on the walls and ceiling opened, and out popped a really big and scary blaster turret from each one. In less than a second the guns powered up, and a bunch of little laser dots now covered our heroes.

"Well, since you put it that way". Ada replied. "The Jedi order is happy to assist in any way we can".

"Excellent". Roland said as the turrets powered down. "Now come with me and meet the rest of the team".

He walked over to the far end of the office and pushed on a section of the wall, causing a secret passage to open into a small dark hallway.

"This way". He said as he started walking.

They followed him down the hallway, and through another door that led into an enclosed submarine docking bay. Inside there was a small submersible in one of the two docking areas, and in front of it were four people wearing what looked like sneaking-suits. There were two white guys, a black guy, and a girl with shoulder length red hair.

"Ok, everyone gather round". Roland ordered. "Ada, Chris, and Barry... I'd like you to meet the other members of your team... Gale, Rick, Cooper, and Regina".

Chris froze as he looked Regina up and down.

"Oh my God". He said. "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen".

In response to this Regina smiled for a second before hitting him in the nuts with the stock of her blaster rifle.

"Pig"! She yelled as he fell to his hands and knees. "I may be a token female on this team, but I better never catch you oogling me again because as a nineteen year old weapons and karate expert, I can seriously rearrange your face"!

"Charming as always". Roland said. "Well, good luck".

He quickly left the room, and everyone began boarding the submersible while Ada stepped toward Chris and gave him a good kick to the ribs.

"Way to make a first impression, Chris"! She yelled. "I know that you're nothing but a typical male, but every member of this team needs to count on eachother to accomplish the mission, so either keep your sexual predator instincts in check OR I'LL RIP OFF THE REASON YOU HAVE THEM"!

She kicked him one more time, and then walked over to the submersible. A few moments later Chris joined them, and the hatch closed as the submersible started down into the depths.

Leon seemed to have plenty of time to have a drink as he waited for Liquid and his companion to come out of the bathroom, however he only had enough credits for a wine cooler, so he drank it quickly in order to not seem like such a sissy.

And he had just started another one when the bathroom door opened, and Liquid stumbled out with the Sith woman. She then shoved Liquid onto one of the bar stools, and started walking away as she fixed her hair and uniform.

"See you around, Liquid". She said.

"Bye". He replied as she walked out the door. "Great to see you again".

"Did you know her"? Leon asked as Liquid started fixing his clothes.

"Yeah, that was Mio". "I met her like fifteen years ago at a place called All God's village".

"Mio"? "But... wasn't she the one who took your kidney"?

Liquid had to thin for a second.

"Yeah, but she doesn't harvest organs anymore". He replied. "She said something about a few years ago some crazy cult made her strangle her sister to death or something... and that made her turn her life around".

"So she joined the Sith"? Leon asked.

"Hey, atleast she didn't take any organs from me, right"? "And she gave me her number, so once this nonsense is over I am totally hooking up with her again". "So, you ready to go"?

Leon shotgunned his wine cooler and then stood up.

"Yeah". He said. "Let's go racing".

Liquid got up once he finished fixing his clothes, and they walked out the door, only to be knocked sideways by the heavy sheets of rain.

"This is horrible"! Leon yelled as they walked. "Why would anyone want to live here"?

"They don't". Liquid replied. "This city was built for the sole purpose of trading with off-worlders, and the rest of the Selkath live underwater". "The weather's quite nice down there, I hear".

Thankfully the swoop registration building was in the same sector of the city, so it was just a short trip south before they were out of the rain once again. And now they were inside a building that looked like the tavern, but instead of a bar there was a Selkath behind a large terminal.

Once they walked in a laser scanner passed over them. It did nothing as it passed over Leon, but it beeped as it got to Liquid.

"Ladies and gentlemen". A voice over the intercom announced. "I give you last year's second place racer and the current sector champion of Tattooine... Captain Liquid".

Everyone in the building applauded, and Liquid waved to them as he and Leon made their way toward the registration terminal.

"They're happy to see you"? Leon asked.

"Of course". Liquid replied. "I'm a fan favorite when it comes to swoop racing".

"Cool... so who beat you last year".

"That's not important".

Liquid said nothing else until they reached the terminal, where the Selkath was waiting.

"Ah, Liquid". He said. "Welcome back to Ahto city". "I assume that this is your gunner"?

"Gunner"? Liquid asked.

"Well yes... you can't operate a two-man swoop without one, right"?

"Two seat... what are you talking about"?

"Oh... you haven't heard about this year's changes then... ok, I'll just give you the short version". "In order to keep up with the dangerous racing standards on Tattooine, the Ahto city circuit of Manaan has drafted the following changes: All swoop bikes must have a pilot and gunner, all racers will be on the track at once, and we no longer race on the old inclosed track".

"Then where do you race"?

"On the open water".

Liquid got a shocked expression on his face for a second, but then regained his composure.

"Ok, sign us up". He replied. "The racing team of Liquid and Leon".

"Excellent". The Selkath replied. "As always your swoop will be transfered from your ship, and there is still about fourty five minutes before the season opener begins, so feel free to relax at one of the tables".

It only took a few seconds for the registration process to be complete, and then they went over to the nearest table to sit down.

"This is so exciting". Leon said. "I can't believe I get to be in a swoop race on Manaan".

"Believe it". Liquid replied. "I just can't believe that we're racing over the water".

"What's wrong with that"?

"Well, you see Leon... I

"Ladies and gentlemen". The intercom interupted. "I give you the twelve-time swoop racing sector champion of Manaan... Bruce Campbell".

Everyone jumped to their feet and cheered like mad as the champion entered the building, but Liquid grabbed Leon and pulled him under the table with him.

"Good". Liquid said as he stayed low. "I don't think he saw us".

"What's going on"? Leon asked.

"Do you have any idea who that was"? "That was Bruce Campbell a.k.a. the slayer of demons a.k.a. the king of thieves a.k.a. the daring dragoon a.k.a.

There might have been more to say, but he was interupted as there was the sound of a weapon clicking behind them. So Liquid slowly turned around and gasped as he looked right down the double-barrels of a shotgun.

"Hello, Liquid". Bruce Campbell said. "You weren't trying to avoid me now, were ya"?

"No... of course not". Liquid replied as he and Leon stood up. "I just wanted to, um... surprise you".

"Oh good, because when long-term aquaintances try to avoid me... why... why I start to get upset". "You remember what happens when I get upset, right"?

"What happens"? Leon asked.

"PEOPLE FUCKING DIE"!

He suddenly kicked Leon in the stomach, making him crash through a table as he hit the floor.

"Is this your partner"? Bruce asked as Leon started to get up.

"Yeah". Liquid replied.

"Good... now meet my partner... Reggie Banister".

Suddenly a bald guy with a pony-tail came outa nowhere and hit Leon in the stomach with his weapon.

"Get up against the wall, you sack of shit"! He yelled as he shoved Leon into the wall. "Or I swear to God that I'll splatter your brains all over this room"!

He then put his gun right into Leon's face, making him gasp as he saw what it was.

"Oh my God"! Leon exclaimed. "Is that a four-barreled shotgun"?

"Your damn right it is"! Reggie yelled. "Now empty your pockets, you stupid son of a bitch"! "NOW"!

Leon quickly searched all of his pockets but there was nothing left in any of them.

"I don't got nothin". Leon replied.

"A deadbeat, huh"? Reggie yelled. "Fine, if you don't wanna pay what you owe, than I'm just gonna have to take it outa your ass"!

He then hit Leon in the stomach with the shotgun, and then started beating him with it once he doubled over.

"Your friend should'a paid up". Bruce laughed as he kept his shotgun aimed at Liquid's face. "But you're lucky, because I'm saving you for the race".

"You're all heart". Liquid replied.

"I sure am, Liquid". "You know... I look forward to these races every year not because I always win... but because I get the pleasure of kicking the ever-loving dog shit out of you". "Remember last year, Liquid"? "What noise does the piggy-wiggy make"?

Liquid suddenly knocked the weapon out of the way and moved to attack, but Bruce Campbell simply picked him up by the throat and choke slammed him through another table.

"I'll see you freaks on the track". He said as he started away. "Let's go, Reggie".

Reggie hit Leon one more time before following Bruce over to the registration terminal, leaving Liquid and Leon just laying there.

"We're in alot of trouble". Leon gasped. "Aren't we"?

"Oh yeah". Liquid replied. "I got a feeling that this race is really gonna suck".


	57. The Championship Race

Down, down, down into the dark depths the submersible went. And it was a tiny ship too, but there were just enough seats for our heroes to sit on one side, and their mercenary companions on the other.

"I wonder what we're gonna find down there". Regina said. "What could have caused the station to lose contact with the surface like that"?

"Doesn't matter". Gale replied. "Hell, as long as we accomplish the mission nothing matters".

"As long as we all come back alive". Rick added. "But that shouldn't be a problem as long as we stick together and watch eachother's backs".

"Our lives mean nothing compared to the mission"! "I would happily sacrifice everyone here including myself in order to complete it"!

"That might be the way you work, but not me". "The lives of everyone on the team must come first... so damn the mission".

"THE MISSION MUST COME FIRST, YOU WORTHLESS HIPPIE"!

"PEOPLE'S LIVES ARE AT STAKE HERE, YOU HEARTLESS BRICK-JAWED MILITARY DIPSHIT"!

"Are you sure about these guys"? Ada asked Regina as they continued arguing. "I mean... doesn't it seem like kind of a bad idea for them to be working together"?

"Are you kidding"? Regina replied. "This is the perfect way for a team to be, especially on a secret and scary mission like this".

"What do you mean"?

"Well, if you got a bunch of guys who are like-minded... then it's boring and things might actually go smoothly". "But if you throw professionalism out the window and stick a bunch of people together who have completely clashing personality types... then you create enough drama and intense situations to keep the reader interested".

"I guess that makes sense... in a strange and twisted kind of way".

"Put it this way". "If everyone in this story was competent and professional, would you read it"? "Would you even consider reading it"?

"Not likely".

"Exactly, so just sit back and enjoy it while we enter a completely random scene where the reader gets a laugh at the main character's expense".

"Barry don't feel good". Barry said as he started to turn green. "Water... makes... me...

He suddenly leaned over, and Chris screamed as Barry lost his lunch all over his lap.

"OH GOD, GROSS"! Chris yelled. "What the fuck, man"!

Barry threw up two more times, but then it was like mercy from God when the ship reached the undersea base, and docked in the hanger.

Everyone jumped out as soon as the hatch opened, and Ada pushed Chris into the water in order to clean him off. As soon as this was done everyone walked over to the door that would lead them into the base. When it opened they were in a passage made of some kind of glass, and at the end was another door.

It was very creepy walking down the glass hallway. There was already water dripping from the ceiling, and it felt like it could give out at any second.

"What is the point of this"? Chris asked as they walked.

"What"? Ada replied.

"This glass tunnel thing". "Why would someone make something like this"? "I'll tell you why: To scare the crap out of anyone who comes down here, that's why".

"Oh, quit your bellyaching". "Just look at the scenery and be quiet".

Chris grumbled as he looked out into the sea, and gasped at what he saw. There was a small group of very scary looking sharks looking at him, and each one was wearing a rib-bib along with a knife and fork gripped in each finn. So he faced forward, and looked at the floor until they reached the end.

"This is the first checkpoint". Gale said. "Playtime is over, kids". "Now I want Rick to take over the central computer while I take out the guards".

"What are you talking about"? Chris asked. "We're just supposed to find out what happened". "Nobody said anything about killing guards".

"This is war, son". "And in war people get killed". "Get that door open, Rick".

Rick walked over to the door, and after a few seconds of messing with the panel, the security door opened. This allowed them access to the dark enigma that was Harkret station.

"Let's go". Gale said as they walked in.

Fourty five minutes seemed to pass in the blink of an eye, and before they knew it Liquid and Leon were on Liquid's swoop bike at the starting point of the race along with a few dozen other racers.

Bruce and Reggie were a few racers away from them, but when Bruce saw Liquid he pointed at him and motioned with his arm in a way that simulated a crash. This made Liquid swallow hard as he looked out at the open water that was the course.

"So how do you wanna do this"? Leon asked. "Should we just kill them all, or just wound them so that they can live to know how awesome we are"?

"Well". Liquid replied. "The only real threat here is Bruce Campbell, so I want you to do everything in your power to take them out". "Don't worry about the other racers... actually its a good thing that there's so many this year because we can use some of them as a shield".

"Ladies and gentlemen". A voice on the loudspeaker said. "The race will begin in two minutes, so if anyone wants to avoid an unimaginely horrible death at the hands of Bruce Campbell, now would be the time to run away like the little bitches you are".

Suddenly about two thirds of the racers turned their swoop bikes around and headed back toward the hanger, making Liquid hang his head as Bruce started laughing at him.

"Why don't you just give up, Liquid"? He asked. "Do you really want as bad of an ass whoopin as you got last year"? "You remember last year, don't you"?

(FLASHBACK)

It was down to two swoop bikes in the final stretch. Liquid and Bruce Campbell were neck and neck after killing all the other racers, and now they were shooting at eachother for the final victory.

They seemed pretty evenly matched, and things looked good as Liquid managed to shoot the weapon out of Bruce's hand. But then he ripped a piece off of his own swoop and jammed it into Liquid's engine, making the swoop take a nose dive right into the ground.

This sent Liquid rolling across the inclosed track as his bike exploded, and instead of finishing, Bruce turned his swoop around and came back. He stopped right next to where Liquid had fallen, then he got off his swoop and took a fire extinguisher off the wall.

"Hey, Liquid". He said as he walked over to him. "Shop smart... shop S Mart... GOT IT"?

He then raised the fire extinguisher over his head, and everything went white as he brought it down again and again and again...

(FLASHFORWARD)

Bruce kept laughing, and Reggie joined in, making it that much worse. There were now only about a dozen racers left on the track, and in a few seconds all hell was gonna break loose.

"Are you ready, Leon"? Liquid asked as the red start light came on.

"Ready". He replied as the yellow start light came on.

Next came the green light, and the race began, but not before Reggie's four-barreled shotgun took out two racers at once before they could even move. Liquid on the other hand hit the throttle as hard as he could, taking off like a shot with the other eight racers.

"Shoot that guy behind us"! Liquid yelled.

Leon aimed and fired, but missed horribly. However it was enough to scare the racer into swerving, making him collide with another swoop, and the wreckage from the explosion headed right for Bruce Campbell's swoop bike. It seemed that they were gonna take him out, but then he activated his jump kit, and the swoop glided right over the wreckage.

"Damn"! Liquid yelled. "Good try Leon, but we gotta step it up if we wanna survive this"!

Suddenly Liquid swerved right next to another racer, and punched him in the mouth before pulling his E-brake. This caused the racer to fly into the water as his bike came to a dead stop, and another two swoop bikes collided with it, sending them all flying as their swoops exploded.

But once again Bruce easily avoided it, and even took out another of the racers by forcing her swoop bike to crash into a marker buoy as they rounded a bend.

Now it was Liquid's swoop, Bruce Campbell's swoop, and two others remaining on the track. But after the sound of both Bruce and Reggie's shotguns... there was only one other.

"We can't keep going like this"! Liquid yelled. "Hold on"!

He suddenly hit the brakes, and pulled up alongside of the other swoop and Bruce pulled up on the other side. Then they all aimed their weapons at eachother, filling the pilot and gunner of the other swoop fill of holes. Then as their temporary shield crashed and sank into the ocean, Liquid did a hard left, making his swoop bike collide with theirs. Just like Tattooine the two swoops interlocked, but this time it was not a game.

"Shoot them"! Liquid yelled as he fought the controls.

Leon went to shoot, but Reggie jacked him in the head with the stock of his shotgun. Then he shot all four barrels into the port stabilizer, making Liquid's swoop bike increase speed as it started shaking.

"Bye, Liquid". Bruce Campbell said as he brought his leg up. "What sound does the piggy-wiggy make"?

He then kicked as hard as he could, making the two swoop bikes seperate. Liquid and Leon screamed like girls as they were sent flying away from the track, and Bruce and Reggie continued on toward victory.

"This isn't good"! Liquid yelled as they continued to pick up speed. "The steering's locked and I can't slow us down even a bit"!

"Great"! Leon yelled. "Atleast it can't get any worse"!

Suddenly off in the distance a large structure came into view. It was a large building of some kind that was on the very edge of Ahto city...

And they were headed right for it.

"God damn it, Leon"! Liquid yelled as sparks started flying out of the controls. "You just had to say something, didn't you"? "Never ever say that it can't get any worse, because Murphy's law will always find a way"!

All of the controls were now useless, and still they picked up speed as they flew right toward the building.

"Let's jump for it"! Leon yelled. "It might hurt a bit, but we can swim to that building"! "It can't be more than a few dozen yards"!

"Ok, but I might as well tell ya now"!

"What"?

"I CAN'T SWIM"!

Suddenly the swoop bike bounced off the water, making them both fall into the ocean just before it crashed into the wall and exploded.

A second later they came back up to the surface, but Liquid was not doing so well.

"Leon, help"! He yelled as he started to go back under.

It took a second, but Leon managed to get him back to the surface.

"How can you not swim"? He asked.

"Shut up and save me"! Liquid replied.

They both kicked their feet until they managed to reach an emergency enterence into the building, and then they sat on the doorstep for a monent in order to rest.

"I can't believe that you don't know how to swim". Leon said.

"I'm a space pilot". Liquid replied. "You don't get much water out there, you know".

"I understand... but I think this calls for a song of my heroic deed".

Liquid shook his head as Leon's music began to play.

"Leon the mighty". He sang. "King of the water, is gonna

His song was then interupted as Liquid shoved him back into the water.

"Oh, sorry about that". Liquid said. "I must have slipped".

He then helped Leon back up, and it was now time to open the door. There seemed to be no way to open it from the outside, but that turned out to be unnessessary as it was opened from the inside, and they found themselves looking at blaster rifles of about ten Sith soldiers.

"Oh crap". They both said.

"Oh crap is right". The Sith Captain replied. "And you boys just landed in a huge pile of it if you're not on the authorized guest list".

The soldiers then grabbed them, and dragged them into the base as the door slammed shut behind them.


	58. Sith Embassy

After passing through the security door, they foundthemselves in yet another dark, silent, dripping hallway with only one other door. The difference was that there was a computer terminal here.

"Jackpot". Rick said as he walked up to it. "From this terminal I should be able to get access to the whole facility".

"From here"? Ada asked. "That doesn't make much sense". "I mean, how smart could it be to leave your main computer unguarded at the enterance to your base"?

"Who cares"? Regina replied. "Its here, so we're gonna use it".

"Ok, I got it". Rick continued. "I got survalince cameras, access to this door, and even a map of this whole place".

"Wow, Rick, that's pretty good". Chris replied. "But, you don't strike me as the computer type".

"Why, cause I'm black"?

"No, I didn't mean it like that".

"Don't give me that backtrackin bullshit, honkey". "You want me to be the nice quiet token black guy, huh"? "Ok, I'll just stay out of the conversation, and just occasionaly say things like: damn... shit... or that's whack". "IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, YOU RACIST FUCK"?

"God damn it, Chris"! Ada yelled. "What did I tell you about your inapropriate behavior, huh"? "First sexual assault on Regina, and now you want to use racial slurrs on Rick"?

"It's not like that". Chris explained.

"Why'd ya have to be so mean, Craig"? Barry asked. "Don't you think that Regina gets tormented enough"? "Its not her fault that she so hot that she could stop a man's heart with a glance". "And I'm sure its hard enough for poor Rick here to be a techno-savy black man in this modern age of stereotypes and ignorance".

"True that, brother". Rick replied. "True that".

"Where does it end, Chris"? Ada asked. "Are you gonna call Gale and Cooper a couple of crackers since they're a couple of stupid lookin white guys with guns"? "Does your hatred extend that far, Chris"? "Does it"?

"NOOOOOOO"! Chris screamed as he fell to his knees. "I'm sorry"! "I didn't mean to be such an ignorant asshole, I swear"! "What can I do to make it up to you guys"? "... guys"?

He opened his eyes, and saw that everyone was looking at the monitor on the computer terminal. So he got up and joined them just in time to see a screaming man get dragged off screen. A second later everyone gasped as blood splattered across the screen.

Then it changed to another room where a terrified looking man was smacking the camera.

"Hello"? He said. "Can anyone hear me"?

"Hello"? Rick asked.

"Oh, thank God". "I'm trapped in here, and if I make too much noise they will find me".

"Who"? "Are you one of the scientists"?

"No, I'm one of the mercenaries who were sent down here to investigate the station". "We have to get outa here before

He was interupted as the door flew off the hinges and smacked the camera, making them only be able to see static as the mercenary's dying screams came through the speaker.

"Ok, let's investigate". Gale said as the feed went dead. "Rick and Ada will keep an eye on the monitors, while me and Barry cover our exit in case we need to escape in a hurry". "That leaves Chris, Regina, and Cooper to enter the base and suffer through the untold horrors that lie in wait within".

"Right". Regina and Cooper replied as they readied their weapons.

"Not right". Chris said. "Why don't we all just go"? "You know, strength in numbers and all that".

"Because that is what the enemy is expecting". Gale explained. "They would love nothing better than to get all of us with their first ambush, but that's not gonna happen as long as I'm in charge". "This way if you guys get torn apart by the terrors unknown, we will be able to come in and kick their asses afterwards, thereby making it so that your screaming hair-whitening deaths are not in vain".

"Let's go, Chris". Regina said as she and Cooper grabbed his arms.

Rick opened the door via terminal, and Chris continued to protest as they dragged him through. Then it closed behind them, and there was no going back.

Now they were in an even darker section of hallway that somehow managed to be wetter and scarier than th eother hallway had been.

But the worst thing was the quiet.

Nothing made a sound in this place, but something had broken down the door and killed the mercenary on the monitor, so Chris was absolutely terrified as the three of them started walking forward.

"Jesus, Chris". Cooper said. "What's wrong with you"?

"Oh nothing". He replied as his knees started shaking. "So you guys have done this before, right Cooper"? "... Cooper"?

There was a sound from behind, and Chris and Regina slowly turned around to see what was left of Cooper getting torn apart by what could only be described as a large and very scary Velociraptor.

A dinosaur? That was just stupid.

But then it looked up at them and roared, making all doubt fade from their minds as Chris and Regina took off running down the hall. It chased them of course, and dramatic music started to play as the game of survival began.

"Can't you call for help or something"? Chris yelled as they ran.

"No, Cooper had the only radio"! Regina replied.

"So what do we do"?

"I'll go for help, and you distract him"!

Suddenly Regina tripped Chris, making him eat the floor as she vanished through one of the hallway's many doors. It now seemed like the raptor was going to get him as it approached, but then it slipped on some of the water that was leaking in, and ended up crashing into a bunch of paint cans.

It was down for the moment, and Chris had already pissed himself, so he used this time to run through a door on the other side of the hall, and slam it shut behind him.

He was now in what appeared to be type of locker room. There was blood all over the walls, and most of the lockers had been destroyed, but there were a few that were left standing...

And there were sounds coming from one of them.

"Hello"? Chris asked as he got closer.

"GO AWAY"! A voice replied, making Chris jump back and fall on his ass.

It took him a second to recover, but soon Chris was back on his feet and ready to face the mysterious locker.

"Who's there"? He asked. "Are you a survivor"?

"No, I'm the ghost of christmas past". The voice replied. "Of course I'm a survivor, but I won't be much longer if you lead the fucking dinosaurs right to me, now will I"?

"What happened here"? "Where did these dinosaurs come from"?

"There was some kind of accident". "You might find some answers on the other side of the base, but not here, now go away before

But it was too late. The raptor suddenly crashed right through the closed door, and bit the locker in half, making the man inside scream as blood shot out everywhere. This also made Chris scream as he ran back into the hallway and the raptor instantly started chasing him again.

This time he was forced to take cover through another door at the far end of the hall, and just barely got it locked before the raptor rammed its head into it.

Chris was trapped! He had found his way into an airlock, and the only other way out was to go out into the ocean. So he did what any hero would do and started to cry as the raptor kept ramming the door, but then he saw it...

There was an envoronmental suit on the floor, that looked just like the one that Liquid had used to get on the bridge of the Sith warship. Now he was not too keen on the idea of wandering around in the water after seeing those sharks when they first arrived...

But at the same time he did not want to be raptor food either, so less than a minute later he was wearing the suit, and once the airlock filled with water the door opened and he was able to leave the base.

Liquid and Leon had their hands behind their heads as the Sith soldiers marched them down a short hallway that led to what appeared to be the main reception/waiting room. There was a very mean looking Sith woman sitting behind the desk, and she seemed to get even more angry when the prisoners were brought up to her.

"What the hell is this"? She asked.

"I caught these two dumbasses at the side door". The Sith Captain replied. "Are they on the approved guest list"?

She looked at them for a second.

"No". She said. "I don't recognize them, so they must be spies sent to infiltrate and destroy the Sith embassy".

"Now hold on a second". Leon interupted. "Are you telling me that you know the name and face of every soldier assigned to this entire base"? "I find that a bit hard to believe".

"She's telling the truth, Leon". Liquid replied. "At a base like this where there are three hundred people or less, usually everybody knows everybody". "Kinda like how it is in some small towns".

"Execute them at once". The Captain ordered.

All of the soldiers raised their blaster rifles, and it seemed like the end unless they could come up with something fast.

"Wait"! Liquid yelled. "Ok, we're not soldiers assigned to this base... we're civilians who have been contracted to, um, render services at this instalation". "Yeah, that's it".

"What kind of services"? The Captain asked.

"Well, um... uh... you see... I'm a Barber"! "Yeah, that's it"! "I'm here to give the soldiers of the Sith empire high-quality haircuts at low prices".

"And I'm a cook". Leon replied. "I don't make nothin fancy, but I got a recipe for Chille-mac that will clean you out faster than a burrito with extra nacho-cheese".

He just looked at them for a second.

"I might almost believe that you were a cook". He continued. "... But you... I wouldn't let someone like you cut my taxes". "Execute them at once".

Again the soldiers raised their weapons.

"Wait"! Liquid yelled again.

"What is it now"? The Captain asked.

"OH MY GOD, LOOK BEHIND YOU"!

Everyone turned around to see what he was talking about, but there was nothing, and they turned back around just in time to see Liquid and Leon running down the nearest hallway.

"Kill them"! The Captain ordered. "And shut the blast door"!

All of the soldiers began firing, making Liquid and Leon scream as blaster bolts hit the floor and walls around them. And to make matters worse, the blast door at the end of the hall was starting to close.

"Its closing"! Leon yelled as they kept running. "We'll never make it"!

"Then its either get squished or shot"! Liquid replied. "GO FOR BROKE"!

They started sprinting as fast as they could as very dramatic music began to play. All around them weapons fire was peppering the walls and floor, and the door was closing more... and more... and more...

So they dove, and spun around in the air as they passed right through the very small opening. This made them fall face down on the floor as it finished closing, and a few seconds later the Captain and Sith soldiers came in through a side enterance.

"Don't move or you're dead"! The first soldier yelled.

They were trapped... there was nowhere they could go.

"Spectacular stunt, boys". The Captain said. "But all for not"! "Now get on your feet, and face your execution".

They stood up, and the Captain gasped at what he saw. He was not looking at Liquid and Leon, but two black guys in similar clothes with brown wigs on.

"You idiots"! He yelled. "These are not them"! "You've captured their stunt doubles"!

"Well, shit". The Liquid double replied. "You think white boys can jump like that"? "Cracker please".

"Search everywhere"! "Find them"! "Kill them"!

"Why you gotta be like that, man"? The Leon double asked. "We all know the bad guys are gonna lose".

"That's the word up". The Liquid double replied.

The Captain snapped his fingers, and the soldiers shot the stunt doubles. Then everyone left the room, not thinking to check the air duct in the ceiling where Liquid and Leon were now trying to quietly crawl away.

"How are we gonna get out here"? Leon asked.

"I don't know". Liquid replied. "Let's just follow this duct to wherever it goes, and take it from there".

But taking it from there would happen alot sooner than they imagined as after going about a hundred feet part of the duct broke out from under them, making them crash to the floor in what looked like a store room of some kind.

"Search here". The Captain ordered from outside.

"Crap". Leon whimpered. "What do we do"?

Liquid was also starting to panic. There had to be a way out of this, there just had...

Then he noticed what kind of store room it was. It was full of boxes marked MWR, and inside were costumes for entertainment shows.

"Quick". He said as he grabbed a couple of costumes. "Put this on, and follow my lead".

"I don't know". Leon replied as he looked at it.

"Search this room". The Captain said from outside the door.

(COSTUME CHANGE)

When the Sith soldiers opened the store room door, they came face to face with their prisoners, but they did not recognize them. This was because they were both now wearing a full set of Lederhosen, complete with feather-caps and large accordians.

"Farfetnugen, volkswagon". Liquid sang as he played. "Sourkraut, weinersnitzel".

"Ak-tung, dunka". Leon sang as he joined in. "Zurgoot, awvetizane".

"What the fuck"? The Sith soldier asked.

"Don't worry about them". The Captain replied. "These guys are obviously part of the yodeling group for tonight's show". "So keep searching".

The soldiers checked around for another second, and then went down another hallway. So Liquid and Leon tossed their accordians away, and ran the other direction until they took shelter through another door.

"Ok". Liquid said. "We should be safe for now".

He locked the door, and when they turned around, they gasped as they saw about six teenage Selkath wearing colored bandanas, and twirling nunchucks around like master ninjas.

"Who are you guys"? One of them asked as they stopped twirling the weapons.

"Um...". Liquid replied.

"Hey, I know"! Leon yelled. "You guys are the missing Selkath youth, right"? "Wow, who'd have guessed that you would be down here with the Sith"?

"We're the Teenage Mutant Ninja Selkath". He replied. "And if you know where we came from, then you were sent here as spies". "SELKATH POWER"!

Without warning the Selkath were on them, kicking them and bashing them with their nunchucks until they were on the ground. But instead of finishing them off, the fish-people forced them to stand, and started marching them toward another door.

"You will be taken to our master". The Selkath continued. "He will decide what to do with you".

"I can't believe this". Leon said. "Fish-people with nunchucks".

"Yeah, I know". Liquid replied. "If they didn't want to kill us, this would be the coolest thing I've ever seen". "Its just too bad that they're slaves to the Sith".

"Silence"! The Selkath ordered. "We are no one's slaves, in fact the Sith have treated us with only the utmost respect as we have been learning how to use the force".

"Great, sounds like a party". "So do Selkath turn into murdering psychos when they embrace the dark side or is that just a Jedi thing"?

"Shut up, off-worlder". "Those not from Manaan are not to be trusted".

"Are you saying that the Sith are from Manaan"?

Everyone stopped walking, and none of the Selkath had anything to say back to this remark. So Liquid used this distraction to kick the closest one in the fish-balls, and grabbed his weapon as he fell to the floor. Then he slammed the nunchuck into another one's head, and spit in a third one's eye before headbutting her.

Leon also joined in the fight, but after hitting one with a nasty uppercutt, two more jumped him and began beating him with their nunchucks.

After a few seconds of this, Liquid managed to break the third one's neck, and dove onto the two who were hitting Leon. This caused all of them to fall to the floor, and after breaking a convienient chair over the two remaining Selkath's heads, they were able to get to their feet.

"Let's get outa here"! Liquid yelled.

"What about their master"? Leon asked.

"Do I look like a Jedi to you"? "Its not up to us to stop every single little threat that comes up, SO LET'S GO"!

Leon did not argue as they returned to the door, and unlocked it. Then they ran back down the hall toward the reception office, where they might have caught a glimpse of an exit before being taken away. But when they entered the room, the receptionist was still there as well as a dozen Sith guards.

"What the hell is this"? She asked as she looked at them. "You two look ridiculous... yet strangly fimiliar".

"We should look fimiliar". Liquid replied in his best german accent. "We are part of the yodeling group that has performing here".

"Oh ok, you guys have a great act... so where the hell do you think you're going"?

"Oh... well, you see... we have a special act for tonight, and um, we seem to have brought the wrong shorts for our Lederhosen... yeah that's it, the ones we got on are nowhere near short enough, so we just need to go back to the ship and um, get the other ones"?

She just glared at them for a second, and then shrugged.

"Ok, whatever". She said as she hit a button to open the exit. "Just be back in time for the show".

"We will".

The exit turned out to be an elevator, and as they walked toward it Leon cried out in surprise as the receptionist smacked him on the ass.

"Keep walking". Liquid whispered.

"Don't keep me waiting". She said as they got in. "You naughty german tourist".

Leon smiled and waved as the door closed, and they both sighed with relief as it started upward.

"This planet sucks". Leon said as he leaned against the wall.

"Yeah". Liquid replied. "And I can't believe we had to dress like this to escape". "I mean, can you believe these shorts"? "Atleast now I know why they yodel".

A few seconds later the elevator stopped, and they were pelted by rain as the doors opened to reveal that they were now on the far east side of Ahto city.

"Screw this place". Liquid continued as they stepped out. "Let's just go back to the Ebon Hawk".

"What about the others"? Leon asked.

"They know where it is, now let's go before these shorts shrink and get even tighter".

Leon didn't argue as they started running back across the city toward where the Ebon Hawk was waiting.


	59. The Final Starmap

Instead of leading right out into the open ocean, Chris now found himself inside of a flooded part of the facility. He briefly wondered why there would be an airlock that led to another regular part of this place, but this question was quickly forgotten as he looked around to see a rotting corpse less than an inch away from his helmet.

If sound could flow through water and a sealed helmet, about half the ocean would have heard a loud girly shriek as he started running in the other direction.

Of course its really hard to run underwater, so it was more of a stumbling hobble.

But regardless of speed, everywhere he looked there seemed to be another corpse waiting for him. So he went around another corner, and another hallway, but the corpses kept bumping into his helmet as soon as he would try to rest.

"Gotta get outa here"! He yelled as he kept going. "Gotta get

His sentence was cut off suddenly as he rounded another corner, and was immediatly grabbed by what looked like a really scary spaceman. Then his true hero instincts kicked in, and he started crying as he flailed his arms at the attacker.

"NO"! He squealed. "I DON'T WANNA DIE"!

"Calm down". A fimiliar voice said through the speaker in his helmet. "What the hell is wrong with you"?

He stopped screaming long enough to look closer at his attacker, and was delighted to find out that it was no spaceman. It was Regina in another environmental suit.

"Regina, thank God"! Chris yelled. "... Hey, wait a second... how could you abandon me back there like that"?

"What are you talking about"? She replied. "I didn't abandon you... you became possessed by your manly instinct to protect, and it caused you to throw yourself at the raptor like a real hero while I hid out here".

Chris had to admit that her version sounded alot better.

"My God, you're right". He said. "The adrenaline rush must have just confused me while I pummeled that sissy dinosaur with my bare fists". "Now he knows better than to mess with my woman, because I know in my heart that you and I are destined to be together once you're so sick of my advances that you just give in". "And until then I shall protect you with my life because that's just how I do".

"Uh... right... whatever". Regina said with a confused look on her face. "So... do they have a name for what's wrong with you"?

"Yes they do... its called love, baby".

Suddenly Regina smacked the side of Chris's helmet, making him stumble sideways.

"Chris, snap out of it"! She yelled as she hit him again. "You've become delirious from too much time underwater"!

After one more hit, Regina spun him around and started pushing toward a blown out section of the wall. Beyond it lay open ocean, and a short ways away there was another section of the base...

And the lights were still on.

"Look at the lights". Chris said as he pointed. "I wonder if anyone's in there".

"Hurry, Chris"! Regina yelled as she pushed him through the opening. "We have to get you into better air before your brain melts from the Bends or something". "You have to move fast, but be careful because the water is filled with

Suddenly a large shark like the ones he saw in the glass hallway grabbed him in its jaws, and he screamed as it started to carry him away.

"Good hustle, Chris". Regina said as she ducked back into the flooded base. "Way to gain some speed".

"REGINA HELP"! He screamed as it took him further away.

"Yeah... I'm just gonna find another way around".

The radio in his helmet went dead, and there was nothing that he could do as the shark carried him away. In fact this seemed like the end, but then the shark's teeth punctured the suit's air tank, knocking the shark for a loop as Chris started flying across the water at break-neck speed.

There was no way to control the direction or the speed at which he was traveling.

Where would he end up?

How long until all the air was gone?

Were the sharks still after him?

Would his death be quick or horribly, horribly slow?

But instead of stopping in the middle of the ocean to drown or be eaten alive by sharks, Chris somehow ended up flying right into the open airlock chamber of the building where he had seen the lights.

The outer door closed, the water drained, and Chris was truly a grinning idiot as the inner door opened to allow him access to sanctuary at last.

However this wonderful moment was ruined as a pair of blaster rifles were aimed right at his face.

"Hands up"! A desperate looking man yelled. "Get up against the wall"!

Chris quickly put up his hands and moved up against the wall as the man and his female companion kept their weapons aimed at him.

"Who are you"? He demanded. "What are you doing at Harkret Station"?

"I'm Chris Redfield of the Jedi order". Chris quickly replied. "We were sent down here by the Republic to find out what happened down here".

The man and woman just looked at eachother for a second before lowering their weapons.

"Well, why didn't you say so"? He asked. "I'm Dr. Kirk, and this is my assistant Sammi". "I'm the project director down here, and up until now everything was going good".

"What happened down here"? Chris asked as he took off his helmet.

"It was all that damn shark's fault". Sammi said. "Here we were, just minding our own business as we used our harvester machine to rip Kolto out of the seabed like it was a strip mine... and suddenly this gigantic shark, and I mean GIGANTIC, rised out of the trench and makes this God-aweful sound". "Next thing you know the Selkath workers all go crazy and start killing everyone".

"Selkath workers"? "The only thing I've seen down here is a raptor".

Dr. Kirk and Sammi looked at eachother again.

"Well, I guess its to be expected". He said. "With power failing and mass flooding... I guess the dino force cages were bound to shut down eventually".

"Dino force cages"? Chris asked.

"Yeah, you see I loved the movie Jurassic Park as a kid, and couple that with the fact that I'm an arrogent scientist who likes to play God, and next thing you know I got fifteen of my very own veloricraptors". "Cool huh"? "But right now you have to deal with that gigantic shark, so off you go".

Before he could say anything, Sammi put his helmet back on and locked it into place backwards, leaving Chris completely blind as they shoved him into another airlock that was on the other side of the room. There was nothing he could do as the inner door closed and the room filled up with water. Then the outer door opened, and Chris blindly stumbled forward.

And as if being blind wasn't enough, the punctured air tanks were allowing water to slowly enter his suit, making Chris start to panic as he stumbled across a large metal bridge that ran next to the harvestor machine.

There was also the matter of the house-size shark that hovered like an evil cloud at the end of the bridge. It licked its chops as it spotted Chris walking right toward it, then it put on a large bib and picked up a salt shaker before slowly moving towards its lunch.

Chris was still blind and oblivious as the shark hovered above him and began to pour salt on top of him. Then it opened its jaws to eat him, but Chris stumbled into a control panel, causing the harvester machine to make a strange noise. The shark looked at it just in time to be incenerated by an explosion which completely destroyed the machine, and went right over Chris's head as he continued stumbling forward.

Eventually he was able to turn his helmet the right way as he reached the end of the bridge, and he gasped as before him he saw the final starmap opening as it activated.

His environmental suit was about half full of water, but he was still able to take the datapad out of his pocket in order to copy the information that it displayed. A few seconds later this was done, and Chris got a good feeling as the starmap closed back down.

He had done it.

The data from all five starmaps was now in his datapad, and once it was uploaded into the Ebon Hawk's computer they would be able to find the Starforge, rescue Jill, and defeat the evil of the Sith once and for all.

"VICTORY IS MINE"! He screamed. "All hail Chris Redfield a.k.a. Darth Revan a.k.a. the most awesomest man in the history of forever"!

But then his good feeling became a very cold one as he looked down in his suit to see that the water had reached his waist. So he turned around, and began hobbling his way back across the bridge.

He had to get back to the others. They needed the starmap data in order to complete the mission.

It was getting even harder to move as the water continued to rise. He was now a little more than halfway across the bridge, and the water was up to his chest. Panic started to set in as he passed the remains of the harvestor and the giant shark, his fear rising at the same rate as the water in his suit.

He had to make it...

He just had to.

He saw more than one airlock on different walls as he reached the other side of the bridge. The water was now touching his chin, so he walked into the nearest one and the outer door closed as the water level completely covered his face.

It seemed to take forever for the water in the airlock to drain, and when the inner door opened, Chris ripped off his helmet, causing several gallons of water to soak the floor around him in all directions as he fell over.

"My boots"! A fimiliar voice yelled.

Chris took a breath and opened his eyes to see Ada's angry face as her boots were now covered with water from his suit. In fact it seemed like everyone was there.

"I got it!" He gasped.

"You're gonna get it alright"! Ada replied. "What the fuck do you think you're doing"? "... Got what"?

"The starmap data"!

It took Chris a few tries, but eventually he shook off the envoromental suit and got to his feet. Then he handed Ada the datapad, and her anger faded.

"Are you serious"? She asked as she looked at it. "Oh my God, this is the last piece"! "Chris, if looking at you didn't give me the urge to throw up, I'd kiss you"! "Let's get outa here"!

"Wait"! Chris replied. "Where's Regina"?

"I'm right here". Regina replied as she stepped out from around the corner. "I found a shortcut that led right back here, and you were long gone by then, so I went on ahead".

Chris was about to say something, but then a roaring sound was heard, making him remember what Dr. Kirk had told him about the raptors.

But it was too late.

At that moment the side door was knocked off the hinges, and a whole pack of raptors stormed in. The lead ones quickly pounced on top of Rick and Gale, but their deaths provided enough of a distraction for everyone else to start running.

It did not take long for the dinosaurs to get bored with their food, so they decided to chase the others as they ran down the hall that would take them back to the glass hallway.

"BARRY HATE DINOSAURS"! Barry screamed as they ran.

They had enough of a head start to reach the glass hallway, and Ada hit the button to close the door, locking it just as the raptors started to claw and smash at it.

"Come on"! Regina yelled as she continued running.

The others followed, and they got through the next door just as the raptors entered the glass hallway. But now they were in the submarine hanger, so they sealed the door and dove into the small ship. A few seconds later it powered up, and the hatch closed as it began the long acent back up to the Republic embassy.

"Did we just win"? Ada asked.

"I think so". Regina replied.

Chris told them everything he heard from Dr. Kirk and his assistant, and by the time he finished, the hatch opened as they docked in the submarine hanger of the embassy. So they all got out, and no one was surprised when Roland was there to greet them.

But they WERE surprised when Regina aimed her blaster rifle and shot him in the head at point blank range. His body slumped to the ground, and Regina gave it a good kick.

"Two-faced Republic scum"! She yelled as she steped over it.

She then ran down the hall, back through the office, and back into the main embassy area. There she walked up to the nearest door, kicked it open, and started firing at Republic personell as she walked in. This gave our heroes no choice but to head in the same direction, and then run for the exit as fast as they could as Regina entered another room.

"What about Regina"? Chris asked.

"What about her"? Ada replied as they headed for the door.

Once outside, they stopped running and tried to look normal as Republic soldiers ran toward the screams eminating from the embassy. The pouring rain made it easy to blend in with everyone else, and thankfully no one seemed to notice them at all.

"Alright, be cool". Ada said as they walked. "All we gotta do is get back to the Ebon Hawk, and everything will be

She was interrupted as three Sith officers stepped in their path.

"Hold it right there". Their leader said. "This is our street, and if you republic knob-slobbers wanna use it, you gotta pay the toll".

Ada was about to take care of the situation, when to the surprise of all, Chris stepped forward and grabbed him by the shirt.

"I've had it with you fucking Sith"! He yelled as he he pulled the Sith officer closer. "In the last hour I have been chased by dinosaurs, attacked by sharks, nearly drowned to death twice, and now the woman I love is about to be gunned down by Republic security forces"! "So forgive me if I don't wanna stand here and listen to your God damn bullshit"!

He then punched him in the face, making the Sith stumble backwards and fall into a water fountain. The other Sith officers ran away, but then the moment was ruined as a dozen armed Selkath dropped down from the sky, and surrounded them.

"Don't move"! They all yelled. "You three are under arrest for violation of the neutrality laws of Manaan"!

"Way to go, Chris"! Ada yelled as they were marched away.


	60. Leaving Manaan

"Move it, offworlder". The closest Selkath ordered as Chris was shoved forward.

After being taken away from the Republic embassy, they had been marched west on their way to prison.

"Man, are you guys gonna get it". He continued. "I heard that the judges are gettin so fed up with you assholes breaking the laws, that they just been executing any offworlders that appear before them, no matter what their crimes".

"Great". Chris muttered.

"SILENCE"!

He hit Chris in the back with his blaster rifle, and then went to do the same to Ada. However he was stopped as he felt a red lightsaber blade going into his chest.

The others stopped and raised their rifles, only to be all knocked on their asses as Barry swung both of his massive arms.

"I HATE FISH"! He screamed as they fell.

"Let's get outa here"! Ada yelled as she started running.

Chris and Barry followed her as she headed back for the hall that would lead them to the Ebon Hawk, but then a city-wide alarm started going off, and they had to slide under the security door in order to get through before it closed.

The Selkath started pounding on it from the other side, but this gave our heroes time to get down the hallway, and even allowed Ada to kill the Selkath at the customs booth while Barry smashed the guard-droids.

"Keep going"! She yelled.

The security door opened as they ran away from the customs booth, and shots from the fish-men's blaster rifles began to hit the walls all around them.

And to make matters worse, the rainstorm outside was getting even worse (if you can believe that). This made it harder to run as the wind kept making them fall off balance, but it also made it harder for the Selkath to aim at them.

"Stop in the name of our unforgiving laws"! A Selkath yelled as our heroes reached the hanger door. "If you make it to your ship, we won't be able to prosecute you"!

"We better do what he says"! Chris yelled as Ada pushed the button.

He put up his hands and started to walk back toward them, but then the door opened, and Ada pulled him along by the hair. Thankfully the ramp was still down, so they wasted no time (unless you count them slipping in the water and falling on their asses) in boarding the ship.

"Stop"! The Selkath yelled as the ramp went up. "If you cooperate, maybe the judges will kill you a little bit less"!

Once everyone was on board and the ramp was up, Ada ran right for the cockpit where Liquid was sleeping in his chair.

"Liquid"! She yelled as she shook him. "Liquid, wake up"!

"Huh"? He replied as his eyes opened. "What is it"?

He recieved his answer in the form of several blaster shots hitting the windshield, which made him gasp as he quickly hit the start button. Several more blaster shots hit the hull as the engines powered up, but then it lifted off the ground and quickly left Manaan behind as it left the atmosphere.

"What the hell was that all about"? Liquid asked as Manaan got further away.

"Chris, that's what". Ada replied as she sat in the other chair. "He attacked a Sith officer, and the Selkath tried to kill us in the panic that ensued".

"Are you fucking serious"?

Suddenly Liquid got out of his chair, and made his way to the center chamber.

"Alright, Chris". He said. "Or Revan, or Cindy, or whatever your name is... get your stupid looking ass over here right the hell now".

Afraid was not the correct way to describe what Chris was feeling as he walked over to Liquid. Was he going to kill him? Was he going to maim him in some way?

"Did you or did you not"? Liquid asked. "Attack a Sith officer and cause a civillian riot in the process"?

"Yes I did". Chris replied as he closed his eyes and covered his nuts with his hands. "Make it quick".

But the pain never came. Instead the sound of Liquid's laughter echoed throughout the ship.

"Well, holy shit". He said as the laughter stopped. "I didn't think you had it in you". "Of course that shows me that there is more of Darth Revan inside you than we thought, so I'm afraid you'll have to die".

Liquid suddenly drew one of his blaster pistols, and Chris ran out of the room as several shots struck the wall and floor right behind him.

"Come back here"! Liquid yelled as he started to chase him.

However this chase was quickly ended as Ada activated her lightsaber, and held it at his throat.

"Not yet, Liquid". She said as she made him back up. "We may have found the last starmap, but we're still gonna need Chris for when we get to the Starforge".

"Why"? Liquid asked.

"Because Chris is the only one to have ever seen it before". "Do you even know what the Starforge is"? "I don't".

Liquid stood there for a second as if trying to decide what to do, then he growled to himself as he holstered his blaster.

"Better". Ada said as she deactivated her lightsaber. "Chris, get your ass out here so Ashley can put the data into the computer, and we can finally get this dumb shit finished".

Chris poked his head out from around the corner, and Liquid glared at him as he slowly walked over to Ashley. Then he gave her the datapad, and a few seconds later the transfer was complete.

Now instead of showing fragmented data and incomplete hyperspace routes, the galaxy map now began to show an entirely new star system.

"Can I kill him now"? Liquid asked.

"No"! Ada yelled.

Here it was... the coordinates for the Starforge that they had been searching for all this time. Now all they had to do was go there, and finish this story with a final epic confrontation with the Sith.

"I can't believe it's finally gonna be over". Ashley said.

"Yeah". Leon replied. "We should probably have our goodbye sex now though just to be sure".

Ashley then took a small spray bottle out of her pocket, and Leon screamed as the pepper-spray was unloaded into his eyes before she pushed him down.

"We have to save Jill". Chris said. "That's the most important thing right now, because who knows what horrible unspeakable tortures that Darth Wesker is putting her through"?

"Right". Ada replied. "And if he turns her to the darkside and she uses her battle meditation for the Sith...

"Ok, that's enough". Liquid said. "You people go on and on about some kind of crazy ass Jedi trick that Jill does, but what the hell is it and have any of you ever seen it yourselves"?

"Battle meditation". Sam Jackson explained. "Is an ancient Jedi techneque that allows an entire fleet of ships to function as a single unit". "I've never seen it myself since only one in about a million Jedi can do it, but they say that if a Jedi uses it for your favor, you will never lose".

"Well... that explains why Wesker wanted her so bad".

"If Jill uses it for Wesker's fleet". Ada added. "Then the Republic is doomed, so we have to hurry".

He did not give a frog's fat ass about the Republic, but they had the coordinates, so Liquid walked back into the cockpit and sat down in his chair. Finally, all this would be over once they reached whatever the Starforge was, and he could say goodbye to these losers forever.

So he pushed in the buttons for their new course, and a few seconds later the Ebon Hawk shot into hyperspace.

Meanwhile inside of a place that resembled a stone temple or something, Jill found herself chained to a large stone slab that leaned against the wall.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHA"! Wesker laughed as he walked in. "So, Jill... are you ready to join the Sith and make my fleet invincible with your battle meditation"?

"No". She replied.

"Why not"?

"Because as a member of the Jedi order I am sworn to defend everything that is good and just in this galaxy... and besides... you're a douchebag".

"I see... ok, Jill... I will give you one last chance to join me willingly, or I shall be forced to break you with the worst tortures available to the Sith".

"Do your worst, douchebag".

No sooner had she finished her sentence, when Darth Wesker pulled a nearby lever, and laughed as a black bucket-looking thing was lowered onto her head. It stopped once it was covering her whole face, and then a series of slowly brightening lights began to come on inside it.

"What the hell is this"? Jill asked.

"This, my dear". He replied. "Is one of the worst tortures that we have, so you had better submitt quickly... because the lights in this machine are capable of blinding you"!

(Dramatic music is played)

"That's it"? Jill asked as the lights got brighter. "That's the worst you have"?

"No point in acting brave". Wesker said. "All you have to do is surrender to the Sith and beg me to have sex with you, and I will turn the machine off".

"No thanks, I'll just keep my eyes shut".

Wesker's eyes widened as he jumped back a bit.

"I see you're smarter than the average Jedi". He continued. "But how long can you keep your eyes closed, huh Jill"?

"Quite a while, actually". She replied. "I mean, I keep them closed for atleast eight hours every night, so this should be a snap".

"DAMN YOUR JEDI TRAINING"! "But don't get to cocky just yet, because I have several other methods for turning you to the darkside"!

He suddenly yanked the bucket thing off her head, and tossed it into the wall. Then he held out his hands, and Jill screamed as she was struck with force lightning.


	61. The Starforge Revealed

"So then we ditch the accordians". Liquid said as T3M4 gave him another beer. "And then we get into this room where the Sith are teaching the youth of Manaan how to use the darkside of the force".

"Really"? Ada asked as the droid left.

"Yeah, and boy am I glad that we all have so many spare clothes on the ship, because when Lederhosen shorts start to shrink it aint no party".

"Its strange". "So the Sith were trying to corrupt the Selkath's children, while the Republic was trying to steal their only viable export"?

"I know, right"? "Its gettin kinda hard to tell who the badguys are, huh"?

Liquid leaned back in his chair, and opened his beer as he put his feet up on the controls.

"What are you doing"? Ada asked.

"I'm taking a nap". He replied as he took a sip. "Once I finish my drink, that is". "We still got about an hour until we reach our destination, so I suggest everyone else get a bit of rest too".

It was a good idea, so Ada got up from the co-pilot's chair and walked back to the center chamber. There she found Barry and Ashley looking at the galaxy map.

"What'cha doin"? Ada asked.

"Oh, nothing". Ashley replied. "Just trying to figure out what me and Barry are gonna do once this is all over".

"What do you mean"?

"Well, my planet was blown to hell by the Sith, and Barry is still in exile, so we gotta find somewhere to live, right"? "Its not like we can stay on this ship for the rest of our lives... well... we could, but Liquid said that he would charge us rent and that's no good". "Hey, maybe we'll just have him drop us off at Nar Shadda and we can make credits by robbing helpless refugees".

A new thought dawned on Ada as Ashley talked. What the hell was everyone gonna do once this was all over? Sure there was still the Starforge thing to worry about, but what about after that? Its not like they were living in some kind of videogame where nothing happened after the adventure was over, and that meant that she would have to find somewhere too.

The Nar Shadda thing might work out for Barry and Ashley, and Liquid had said more than once that he was gonna use the Ebon Hawk as a smuggling ship for the Hutts, but what was everyone else gonna do?

Dantooine had been blown away just like Taris, but maybe after they rescued Jill they could go to the council on Corasaunt or something. Sure they would have to take Chris and Sam along too, but then they could ditch him and get assigned to a nice planet like Alderan or something.

"Well, we got an hour before the final battle". Ada said as she started toward another hall. "Get some rest".

Once away from the map room, she found herself near the kitchen where Leon was frying something while Sam Jackson leaned against the refrigerator.

"Hurry up with my chicken". Sam ordered. "And that shit better be extra crispy or there's gonna be hell to pay".

"Oh, it will be". Leon replied as he flipped the chicken legs. "I think I found my calling, and after this mission is done, I'm gonna open up my own burger joint". "I'm gonna call it Jack in the Box, and my awesome food is gonna be served up so fast that people won't even have to get out of their speeders".

"Some kind of a... fast food thing"? "Yeah right, whiteboy". "Maybe a long time from now in a galaxy very far away something like that would work, but for now just make my damn chicken".

Ada continued down the hall and spotted T3M4 doing some welding onto the deactivated HK-47's frame, but she couldn't understand droids like Liquid could, so she kept walking to the cargo hold where Chris was looking sad as he sat on his bed.

"What's wrong, Chris"? She asked as she walked in. "You look like someone just kicked your dog or something".

"I don't know what to do, Ada". He replied as he looked up. "My memories tell me that I've spent my whole life as a mighty champion of good, kicking evil's ass all over the place in the name of peace and justice... but then I find out that it's all a lie to cover up the horrible truth".

"What are you talking about"?

"It was easy for you". "You fell to the darkside and then came back to the light, but the Jedi had to force me into it". "I mean, I was Darth Revan... the most brutal and ass kicking Sith lord to ever exsist". "How the hell am I supposed to stand up for justice with a record like that, huh"? "I'll go up to a bad guy and I'll be like: Stop in the name of good". "And they'll be like: You're Darth Revan, you can't be a champion of good". "And I'll be like: That's in the past, and you better look out because I'm

Ada smacked him the the side of the head, making him come back into reality.

"You don't have to be good to be a hero, Chris". She said. "Look at Liquid, he fell to the darkside as much as any non-Jedi can, and he's still helping the goodguys".

"Yeah". Chris sadly replied. "In exchange for his life and the title to the Ebon Hawk".

"Motivation doesn't matter". "Kinda like in that Dragon Age game where you can be the most rotten and twisted son of a bitch who ever lived, yet still save the world in the end". "Of course on the other hand you probably won't ever amount to anything anyway, so I wouldn't worry about it".

He had a confused look on his face as she walked out of the cargo hold, and satisfied that she had given Chris the guidance he needed, Ada headed back for her own room.

This leadership stuff wasn't as hard as it looked, and now it was time for a little nap.

(1 hour later)

It felt like she had just closed her eyes when the alarm came on that signaled they reached their destination. So she grumbled to herself as she got out of bed, and ran to the cockpit just in time for Liquid to take the ship out of hyperspace.

"And here we go". He said as the stars returned to normal. "Time to end... what the hell is that"?

Ahead of them was a large yellow star, and hovering right above it was what seemed to be a gigantic space station of some kind that seemed to be syphoning power directly from the star's nuclear gasses.

But that wasn't the worst part.

The worst part was the thousands and thousands of Sith vessles that surrounded it. Warships like the Leviathan, fighters, cruisers, and everything in between hovered around the diamond shaped station like a cloud of hornets or something...

And more kept coming... right out of the space station at an alarming rate.

"I'm guessing that's the Starforge". Liquid said as he started pushing buttons. "It must be some kind of a factory... God, just look at how fast its making those ships".

"What are you doing"? Ada asked as he pushed a final button.

"Oh, nothing". "I'm just transmitting our location to the entire Republic fleet, and if all goes well they will wipe eachother out completely". "Hell, with any luck we won't have to do anything but sit all the way back here and enjoy the

He was interupted as an alarm started going off, and then the whole ship started shaking as sparks began coming out of some of the control panels.

"What the hell is going on"? Ada asked.

"I'm not sure". Liquid replied. "I think we've flown into some kind of a disrupter field... it's playing hell with all my controls".

"What can we do"?

Suddenly the lights dimmed and there was a bogging down sound coming from the engine room. This was good because it made the controls spark a bit less, but the ship was now shaking even more.

"Not much we can do". Liquid continued. "The engines are failing along with everything else, and I think life support just died on us, so we are pretty much... oh".

"Oh"? Ada asked. "Oh, what"?

"I'm picking up a single planet in this system... atleast I was until the map went dead... but its either that or I'll have to kill all of you to conserve oxygen, so the planet it is".

The whole ship lurched sideways as Liquid wrestled the controls enough to turn toward a small blue planet, and then he used the last of the engines power to start them toward it before they bogged out completely.

"Ok, that should do it". He said as the lights went out. "We may be dead in the water, but since there is no resistance in space, our forward momentum should take us right into the planet's atmosphere".

Ada allowed herself to breathe a sigh of relief, but then something strange began to happen as they approached the planet. The color seemed to be draining out of everything inside and outside of the ship, leaving a completely monochrome environment.

"What the hell"? Liquid asked as he looked at his now black and white body. "Oh, what now"?

He and Ada looked out the window and saw what appeared to be a large door coming right at them. It opened as the Ebon Hawk passed through, and then they approached a window that shattered very loudly as they got close, followed by what looked like a giant eyeball, and a set of floating numbers that said: E=MC2.

This had to be the craziest thing that either of them had ever seen, but this puzzle was forgotten as the ship entered the planet's atmosphere. With no engines and no landing gear, the Ebon Hawk went out of control as it fell toward a large ocean. Liquid and Ada screamed and held eachother as the ship picked up speed, but instead of crashing and exploding, it bounced across the water like a skipping stone.

This happened several times, causing all sorts of internal damage to the ship, but then everything flew forward as the Ebon Hawk slammed into solid land and slid to a stop on a large beach of some kind.

"Is everyone ok"? Ada asked as she got up.

"No". Liquid replied. "You're heavier than you look".

She stepped on him as she stumbled down the hall to check on the others, and Liquid was about to follow, but then he looked out the window.

This strange black and white planet seemed to be a kind of graveyard for ships. There were dozens of them off in the distance, from small freighters to Republic capital ships. They must have been from everyone else who hit the disruptor field, and it gave him an idea as he followed Ada to the center chamber where everyone else was already gathered.

"What happened"? Leon asked as he came out of the kitchen completely covered in what looked like flour. "Did we crash"? "Why is everything black and white"? "Where are we"?

"Ok, listen up". Ada replied. "Our ship was disabled by some kind of crazy shit, forcing us to make a near fatal landing on this planet where color does not seem to exsist". "Now we may be alright for the moment, but if the Republic fleet hits that field it could spell victory for the Sith, so since no one seemes to be seriously hurt, I am now open to ideas as to what our next course of action should be".

"I can't help you with the disruptor field". Liquid replied. "But as far as fixing the Ebon Hawk, I might be able to pull some parts off the other crashed ships around here". "T3 can start on the internal repairs".

"Its a start". Sam Jackson added. "We have to fix the ship and find a way to get rid of the disruptor thingy, but first let's get the hell out of this tin can".

Everyone agreed, so they went over to the boarding ramp, and it fell off when Chris pushed the button. This meant that they had to jump down, and once they did they stood in front of their wrecked ship as they looked around the immediate area.

"Submitted for your approval, the crew of the Ebon Hawk". Rod Serling said as the camera panned over to him. "Chris, Ada, Sam, Ashley, Barry, Liquid, and Leon". "Marooned on a strange uncharted world, their mission seemes like a simple one: Repair the ship and escape". "But what they don't yet realize is that this is no ordinary planet... and that their seemingly simple ordeal is about to take them right into the very heart... of the Twilight Zone".


	62. Strange New World

There was only one path that led away from the beach, and it wasn't like anyone was going to steal a ship that was as busted up as the Ebon Hawk, so everyone decided to go together.

"I wonder why everything is black and white like this". Chris said.

"Because you touch yourself at night". Ada replied. "How am I supposed to know"?

"You think it has something to do with the disruptor field"? Leon asked.

"I don't know".

"You think there will be hostile aliens"? Ashley asked.

"Again, I don't know".

"Are we there yet"? Barry asked.

"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW"! "I've never been to this stupid monochrome planet before, so why don't you ask 'Mr. I've been frickin everywhere' over there"?

They all looked at Liquid.

"Well"? Sam Jackson asked.

"There are legends". Liquid replied. "About a phantom planet where ships are forever marooned and nothing is as it seems". "If this is in fact that planet then our fate is already sealed because no one has ever returned from there".

"But". Ashley said. "If no one ever returned... then how can there be legends"?

"Do you want to tell this story"? "No"? "Then shut the fuck up, and know that at any moment we could be swarmed from the savage decedents of those who became marooned... just as our decendents will prey on those who come after us".

"Do you really think this is that planet"? Chris asked in a scared voice.

"I doubt it, considering that I just made that whole story up a few seconds ago". "Sounded good though, didn't it"?

"You are such an asshole, Liquid". Ashley replied.

"Yeah, well you're a girl". "That means that your opinion doesn't matter to me unless you have a gun to my head or I'm trying to have sex with you".

"I can't believe you just said that". Ada commented. "You've been listening to me, and I don't have a gun to your head".

"True, but you're forgetting the other reason".

"Liquid... are you saying that the only reason you listen to me at all is because you want to have sex with me"?

"Well... duh". "But on the bright side it also kept me from shooting you and blasting your corpse into space, so count your blessings".

Ada was about to say something else, but stopped as she spotted something up the path a ways.

"Hey, I think that's a person". She said. "Come on, let's go".

They started running, and soon they reached the object that Ada had seen. It seemed to be a small shop of some kind, and by shop I mean a makeshift wall built around a collection of all kinds of things. The good news was that there was a booth in the front, and behind that booth stood a man who wore a blue robe complete with face mask.

"Welcome, strangers". He said. "I got a selection of good things on sale".

"What kind of things"? Leon asked.

"That depends on the customer... you see... I have the uncanny ability to tell people exactly what they need". "For example, for the young lady here... I have an original Talkie Tina dollie".

He picked up a small rag doll, and handed it to Ashley. So she looked at it for a second and then pulled the string.

"I'm Talkie Tina". The doll said as the string retracted. "And I'm going to kill you".

"Uh, no thanks". Ashley said as she gave it back.

"Me next". Leon said.

"Hmmm, for you...". The merchant replied. "I have a real treasure... an authentic Dr. Dreadful Food Lab".

"No shit"? "Dude, I haven't seen one of those since about nineteen nintey two"!

"Yes, and the memory will have to suffice... because I'm all out".

Leon hung his head as he walked away.

"What about me"? Chris asked as he stepped up. "What do I need"?

"You, Sir". The merchant replied. "Are in need of a good swift kick in the nuts".

The merchant suddenly pulled his leg back, and slammed his foot into Chris's nuts, making him scream as he fell to his hands and knees.

"Wow, that's amazing". Liquid said. "What do I need"?

The merchant looked at him for a second.

"Ahh, I see". He said. "You need parts to repair your ship's engine". "Unfortunatly I do not have them here, but I can tell you where to find them".

"I guess that's better than a nut-kick". Liquid replied. "Where can I find them"?

"Beyond this kiosk there are two paths". "If you take the left one, you shall come to a place where all the parts for your ship can be convieniently found... but be warned... to get them you must face an enemy more powerful and more evil than anything you have ever imagined".

"Oh, whatever". "I'll have you know that I survived being a prisoner of the Fanta tribe".

(FLASHBACK)

"Fanta, Fanta"! The women sang as Liquid finished his latest bottle. "Don't you wanta"? "Fanta, Fanta, don't you wanta"?

"No more"! Liquid yelled as he fell to his knees. "Please God, no more"!

"Quiting after only ten bottles"? Their leader replied as the singing and dancing continued. "You better stop whining and chug that shit if you don't wanna end up like your friends over there".

Liquid took a quick look at the dozens of Republic soldiers who had been impaled on large spears because they couldn't drink the twenty bottles required for freedom.

"Can I have orange this time"? He asked.

"You get grape, mother fucker"! She replied. "Ten bottles to go, now get to chuggin"!

The music and dancing continued as Liquid opened the bottle and started to drink.

"Fanta, Fanta, don't you wanta"? They sang. "Fanta, Fanta, don't you wanta"?

(FLASHFORWARD)

"And besides". Liquid continued. "I'll have Leon there to catch bullets, er, I mean to watch my back".

"You will"? Leon asked.

"Yes, now let's go".

Liquid started walking past the kiosk, and a second later Leon followed him. Then they vanished down the left path, and everyone turned back to the merchant.

"MY TURN"! Barry screamed as he came forward. "I WANT SOMETHING AWESOME"!

"No, go away". The merchant said.

"Ok".

Barry went and stood over by Leon.

"So what about the rest of us"? Ada asked. "What do we need"?

"Well, let's see".The merchant replied "You need a way to get off this planet, right"?

Everyone started to get all excited by this question.

"I don't have the slightest idea how you could do it". He continued. "But like your friends, I can tell you where to find someone who might have your answers".

"Ok, where do we go"? Ada asked.

"Go past this kiosk, and take the path that goes off to the right". "There you will find a large temple, and right past that is a place where all of your answers might be found".

"Cool, thanks".

"A word of caution... the people there might not be too happy to see you guys".

"Why not"?

"You'll see... but now its my lunch hour, so have a good day".

He pulled a drawstring, and window blinds came down all around his kiosk, leaving the group on their own once again.

"Ok, let's go". Ada said as she started walking.

They passed the kiosk and headed down the path to the right which took them further away from the beach, and brought them to a place that looked kind of like the plains of Dantooine.

"Pretty". Chris said.

"Pretty"? Ada asked. "Oh I get it, like all men you are just gonna base all of your opinions on outward appearence, huh"? "Forget personallity and intelligence as long as there's some good T and A, isn't that right you sexist asshole"?

"Sounds good to me".

"WHAT DID YOU SAY"?

"I said... um, you're right... and, um... how could I have been such a pig".

"Ok then... atleast we're getting somewhere". "I expect this kind of behavior from people like Liquid, but as a member of the Jedi order I expect more from you, Chris".

"Why"? "The Jedi do nothing but condescend, and backstab". "They preach about the light and doing good and all that, but the truth is that the Jedi are just as underhanded and devious as the Sith".

"And you would be the expert on being evil, huh Revan"?

Chris started to say something, but then stopped as he hung his head.

"Yes, bow your head in shame". Sam Jackson said. "Ada here is the only reason that we didn't lynch your ass on the Ebon Hawk, so punch yourself in the nuts really hard as your first act of redemption".

Chris just looked at him for a second.

"That didn't sound like a request, dipshit". Ashley added. "We're waiting".

Chris swallowed hard as he made a fist and held it out in front of himself. Then he closed his eyes, and screamed like a sissy man as he collapsed from the blow.

"Better". Ada said. "No get on your feet, and let's go".

"I miss Jill". Chris moaned as he started to get up.

"And I miss the eightees". Sam Jackson replied. "But you don't see me snortin Blow off a Delorian, do ya"? "So stop bitchin, and get a move on".

He gave Chris a good kick in the ass, and everyone had a good laugh as he ate the dirt. But then he jumped to his feet.

"ENOUGH"! He screamed, making everyone shut up. "All day I take verbal and physical abuse from each one of you, but that shit needs to stop"! "You all know that I used to be Darth Revan, and if you keep pushin me, who knows"? "Maybe my old self will resurface, and I'll kill every man on this mission". "And the women too... well, after I gave them the best sex of their lives, that is".

Everyone just stood there for a second, and Chris was starting to think that he got his point across... but then the snickering started, and Chris could only hang his head as everyone erupted into full out laughter.

"What is wrong with you people"? Chris yelled as the anger returned. "We are on a mission to save the galaxy, and all you ever seem to want to do is have fun at my expense"!

"What do you mean, you people"? Sam Jackson asked.

"What do YOU mean, you people"? "With as many times during this stupid story that I've been called a cracker, or wonderbread, or honkey... I really don't wanna hear anything about any racial slurrs that I happen to make".

Sam Jackson went to attack him, but suddenly a large net came out of nowhere, and wrapped him up like a coccoon.

"What the"? Ada asked.

No one had any time to react as more nets came, and after a few seconds they were all wrapped up on the ground as six fully armored Mandalorian warriors came out of the bushes.

"Crap, not again". Chris said to himself.

"Take them to the temple". The leader said.

The Mandalorians grabbed them by the ankles and started dragging them further down the path until a very large stone building appeared as they reached the top of a hill.

And next to that stone building was a campfire where about a dozen more Mandalorians were gathered.

"Better and better". Sam Jackson said. "This is all your fault, Chris".

"How is this my fault"? Chris asked.

"SILENCE"! The closest Mandalorian yelled as he kicked Chris.

"Hey, he talked too"!

"I can't hit a black guy". "If I do, then the readers will think I'm a racist, so in order to be safe from any lawsuits that may follow, I will only turture and kill a man if he's white".

"What kind of bullshit is that"?

"You ever been arrested for a hate crime"? "They add like ten years to your sentence".

Chris was confused.

"So what you're tellin me"? He asked. "Is that its a hate crime if a white guy kills a black guy... but if you kill someone of your same race, you did it because he was your best fucking friend"?

"Basically". The Mandalorian replied. "Now shut the fuck up"!

He kicked Chris again, and nobody said another word until they reached the camp.

"And what do we have here"? The more heavily armored leader asked. "Dinner and sex-slaves"?

"Pretty much". The other leader replied. "So, which one do you want to cook first"? "This one here has a big mouth, so I recommend him".

"Ok".

The armored leader snapped his fingers, and Chris screamed as the Mandalorians lifted him off the ground. Then they tied him to a rotating stick that was above the fire, and he started to cry as they covered him in barbeque sauce.

"Don't forget the Adobo seasoning". Another Mandalorian said. "It goes on all kinds of meat, even Chicken like this".

Everyone had a good laugh as Chris was seasoned, and the fire seemed to only get hotter the longer he was there.

"Can't we talk about this"? He asked as a Mandalorian started turning the crank.

"Meat doesn't talk"! A Mandalorian yelled. "But it needs to be tenderized a bit, so let's all throw rocks at him"!

Chris screamed as rocks came flying at him by the dozen, but then they stopped as a large spear flew right into one of the warrior's heads.

In an instant the camp was under full attack as spears kept hitting the Mandalorians, and strange masked figures grabbed our heroes and started to drag them away in the midst of the chaos.

Once they were away, one of the figures whispered something to another one as he pointed to Chris. And Chris looked up just in time to see a large foot coming at his face just before everything went black.


	63. Looking For Engine Parts

"So, what do you think this enemy is like"? Leon asked as they continued down the trail.

"It's probably about ten feet tall". Liquid replied. "With really sharp claws, blaster-resistant skin, and four heads that are the perfect size for swallowing people like us whole". "But whatever part of you it doesn't eat, it will hang from its belt along with whatever's left of its last few victims".

"You think"?

"Not really, but if you go into a situation expecting the worst possible scenario, anything less than that is gonna feel like a relief".

"Liquid, can I ask you something"?

"Sure".

"Ok, its no secret that your moral compass doesn't always point north, but I've noticed that there is alot of enlightened stuff burried under whatever viewpoint you're trying to get across".

"So"?

"So my question is... where do you get this stuff"? "I mean I never see you reading anything, and based on what you told us the last whole bunch of years of your life have been divided between prison, smuggling, and swoop racing".

Liquid laughed to himself as they kept walking.

"I wasn't always a crimminal, Leon". He replied. "I had a wife and a family, and I even used to volenteer to be Santa Claus at the shopping malls during the Christmas season". "Hell, I even got my masters degree in psycology, with a minor in philosophy".

"Really"? Leon asked. "You have a masters"?

"What"? "Does it surprise you that I went to college"? "I'll have you know that the Republic won't even let someone go to flight school unless they have a bachelors degree".

"Wow... I only got a G.E.D. because I got kicked out of school".

"What did you do"?

"Well... you see I hit puberty in the first grade, and there's only so many times that a kid can be called 'fire-hose' before he cracks, you know what I'm sayin"?

"Leon, I hardly ever know what you're sayin". "But anyway, why didn't you ever go to college"?

"Because I'm poor, so I joined the Mandalorian national guard as a cook, and just kinda stayed there".

There was probably more to the story, but at that moment the path became a clearing where a small village sat. So they dove into the bushes in order to avoid being spotted by the people who were walking around, but after a second Liquid stepped back out.

"What are you doing"? Leon asked.

"I don't think they care about us". He replied. "Come on, lets find those parts the merchant told us about".

Leon stepped out of the bushes, and they were cautious as they began to enter the village. It appeared that Liquid had been right about the people, as they just kinda walked around as if in a daze or something.

"Excuse me". Liquid said as one came near. "I was wondering if you could

"GOOD THOUGHTS"! The villager screamed as he grabbed Liquid by the shirt. "I WAS ONLY HAVING GOOD THOUGHTS"!

He then pushed Liquid away, kicked Leon in the nuts, and screamed even louder as he ran the other way.

"What the hell just happened"? Liquid asked as Leon got up.

"I don't know". Leon replied. "But if those are good thoughts, I don't ever wanna see the bad ones".

"Oh well, he was probably just the town crazy or something". "You know how small towns get after three or four generations of imbreeding". "But we still need parts for our ship, so lets try again".

They walked farther into the village, but stopped whe they were approached by a man who had an ear to ear grin along with bloodshot eyes.

"Welcome, friends". He said in an almost forced kind of happy tone. "Its a good thing to have guests in our village, a very good thing indeed". "No Sir, no bad thoughts here, none at all".

"Leon". Liquid whispered. "Remind me not to drink the water here".

They expected the man to move on like the other one had, but he just stood there with his creepy grin.

"Are you alright"? Leon asked.

"Oh sure". He continued. "I was just having good thoughts about how wonderful life is here in this village". "And how lucky we are to have such a good person as Anthony to lead us".

"Anthony"? Liquid asked.

"Yep, Anthony sure is a good person who can do no wrong". "In fact... I was just having good thoughts about him".

"Right, whatever, is he as creepy and weird as the rest of you"?

"Oh no, not at all". "Anthony is smart and well mannered, and there I go having more good thoughts... about Anthony".

"Great... where can we find him"?

"In the last house before the other end of the village, and remember: Good thoughts".

He kept up his grin as he walked away, and Liquid started heading for the other side of the village.

"Where are you going"? Leon asked as he followed.

"The same place you are". He replied. "To see if this Anthony person knows where we can find ship parts, so that we can get the hell outa here".

"But... it seems so unhealthy here". "What if this person is a dangerous killer and his loyal subjects kill us for looking at him wrong or something"?

"Easy, we run really fast until we get away, and hope to find parts elsewhere".

About half a minute later the last house was in sight. It was a really big ranch style home that looked just as run down as the rest of the village, but it was where they had to go. So they walked right up to the door, and jumped back as it was answered by yet another man with a giant grin.

"Good thoughts, my friends". He said. "Anthony wants to meet you, and that's a really good thing, don't you agree"? "Yes, a very, very, very good thing".

He held the door open as they walked into the house, and then led them into the very large living room where they came face to face with...

A ten year old boy.

"Hiya, new people"! He said as he got off the couch. "I'm Anthony, and we're gonna be best friends forever"!

"NO MORE"! The man from the door screamed. "I just can't take it anymore"! "I need to get out of this village"! "PLEASE LET US GO"!

Suddenly Anthony raised as eyebrow and the man exploded, causing blood to splatter all over the walls.

"Holy shit"! Liquid and Leon yelled.

"He was a bad man". Anthony replied. "He kept having bad thoughts about me".

"Its good that you blew him up, Anthony". Another grinning man said as he started to clean. "He was a very bad man, and you did a good thing just now".

"Ok, Leon". Liquid whispered. "Let's get outa here"?

"You're leaving"? Anthony asked.

"Uh... yeah". "You see, we've got a long trip ahead of us, and... uh...

"You're not having bad thoughts about me are you, Liquid"? "I can hear when you do, ya know". "That's it isn't it... you're a bad man just like him, and around here when people think bad thoughts I send them to the cornfield".

Suddenly Liquid vanished, reappearing an instant later in what appeared to be a field of corn. It also happened to be right behind the house, so he ran back around and went back into the living room.

"Ok, you little son of a bitch"! He yelled as he drew a blaster pistol. "Let's see how you like being sent to

His words became a scream as Anthony raised an eyebrow, and an instant later the blaster pistol fell to the floor as Liquid's body became a large jack-in-the-box.

The only recognisable part of him was his head that now sat at the top of a large spring wearing a jester's hat.

"What have you done to me"? Liquid demanded.

"I like you better this way". Anthony replied as he pushed the spring down.

He then closed the lid, and turned the crank until the spring shot back out. This made Anthony laugh and clap his hands until he noticed that Leon was standing there with a horrified expression on his face.

"You think its a good thing, too". Anthony said. "Don't you, Leon"?

"Do something, Leon"! Liquid yelled. "This shit really hurts"!

"Uh, yeah". Leon replied as he came closer. "Its a good thing that you did to Liquid".

"Good, I like you Leon". "You're not a meaner like the Liquid-in-the-box, so you get to play with him too".

"Don't you dare". Liquid warned.

Anthony gave him a warning look, so Leon had no choice but to push the spring down. But then Liquid bit his hand, making the spring fly back up as he pulled it away. This also gave Anthony no time to react as Liquid's head slammed right into his face, knocking him out cold as he hit the floor.

Suddenly the grins faded from the villager's faces, and Liquid's body returned to normal as he picked up his blaster pistol.

"I'll give you good thoughts". He said as he aimed at the kid.

"Liquid, wait"! Leon yelled as he stopped him. "He's just a kid"!

"Just a kid"? "Kids don't turn people into jack-in-the-boxes, or send them to cornfields, or any of that". "This thing is a monster, and it needs to be put down".

"No, I can't let you do it"! "Look into your heart, Liquid, and find the small part of yourself that is still a good person".

"Ok, let's go".

They started to walk away, but then Liquid turned around and shot Anthony in the head.

"NOOOOOOO"! Leon screamed.

"Oh, shut up". Liquid replied as he pulled him out the door. "Now let's find some ship parts so that we can get outa here... and that would be a really good thing".

"I still can't believe you shot a kid".

"Have you ever been turned into a frickin jack-in-the-box"?

"Well, actually... no".

"Believe me, you would have shot him too". "Now start searching"!

They looked around the village and in a few of the houses, but there were no parts to be found. Now on the verge of giving up they exited the house, and gasped as they saw that everyone in the village was standing there waiting for them.

And they were no longer grinning.

"Uh, hi". Leon said.

"Are you the ones"? The closest villager asked. "Did you kill that bastard Anthony and free us from that horrible curse"?

"We certainly did". Liquid replied. "And if you want to repay us, all we ask for in return is the parts we need to fix our ship". "Well, that and an hour alone with the sexiest perfect-ten chick in your whole village... and atleast a five for Leon".

"That's bullshit". Leon said. "A five"?

"Alright, a six then you fucking crybaby, but don't say I never gave you nothin".

"Uh... problem". The villager replied. "Don't get me wrong, we're very grateful for what you two did for us, but you see... you kinda shot a kid... so we are forced to stone you to death at once".

"What"? "But it was the only way to break the curse"!

"Yeah, and that's what makes this so awkward".

There was nowhere to run. They were completely surrounded, and then they turned white as the villagers began to pick up very heavy looking rocks.

"Ok, then". The villager continued. "Now before we stone you to death, do either of you have a last request"?

"I do"! Leon yelled. "I'd like a nice ripe peach".

"But the peaches won't be in season for another five months".

"I'll wait".

The villagers suddenly became restless, but then their leader managed to calm them again.

"Now then". He said once everyone was quiet. "How about some last words"?

"I got some last words". Liquid replied. "Apple... ardvark... armadillo,,, acorn... apracot... ape... atlas... above...

(Three hours later)

"Zebra". Liquid continued. "Zealot... zero... um... crap, I guess that's it".

"Ok". The villager replied. "Stone them".

Leon screamed like a girl as the villagers got ready to throw rocks, but then Liquid grabbed him from behind and put a blaster pistol to his head.

"Hold it"! Liquid yelled. "Next man that moves, the cracker gets it"!

The villagers were confused by this, and were not sure what to do.

"Settle down everyone". The villager said. "And don't get any closer... I don't think he's bluffing".

"Put those damn rocks down"! Liquid continued. "Or I swear I'll blow this cocksucker's head all over this town"!

"Oh crap, he's desperate"! Leon yelled. "Please, do what he says"! "I don't wanna die"!

The villagers growled and muttered angry remarks, but they put the rocks on the ground as Liquid started to walk Leon past them.

"Isn't anyone gonna help that poor man"? A villager asked.

"Hush"! Another one replied. "That's a sure way to get him killed"!

"Alright you pig-fuckers, listen up". Liquid said as he took a list out of his pocket and tossed it to them. "If you want this poor ignorant son of a bitch to live, you are gonna find me as many of the things on that list as possible, and put them in a speeder or something". "NOW GET TO IT"!

The villagers quickly scattered, and within ten minutes they had a speeder completely filled up with the parts that were needed for the ship.

"That's better". Liquid said as he pushed Leon into the passenger seat. "Now nobody follows me, or I swear I'll kill him".

"Somebody help me"! Leon yelled as Liquid got in. "Help me"!

"Shut up"!

He then started the engine, and the villagers had helpless looks on their faces as they sped away.

"I can't believe that worked". Leon said. "I thought we were dead for sure".

"Me too". Liquid replied. "I'm just glad that we found the only place in the galaxy where people are dumb enough to fall for the old Blazing Saddles routine". "But now we got the parts we need, so that puts us one more step closer to getting off this stupid black and white planet".

They soon reached the end of the village, and they did a high-five as the speeder headed back down the path that would take them to the Ebon Hawk.


	64. Past Wrongs

The masked men didn't say much as they dragged Chris and the others away from the temple. However they gave Chris a bunch of dirty looks, and kicked him a few times before reaching a walled enclave that was a few hundred yards from the temple.

"Can we talk about this"? Chris asked as they reached the door.

"Shut up, dick-lick"! The masked man replied. "We won't make the mistake of listening to you a second time"!

"What are you talking about"? "I don't even know you guys"!

"Shut the fuck up, Revan"!

Chris tried to say something else, but was interupted as he began getting kicked and stomped. This went on for about a minute, and stopped when the masked man turned away and stepped up to the door.

He then knocked, and a small window opened in the center.

"What's the password"? A voice asked from the other side.

"Just open the damn door". He replied. "The Chanceler is gonna shit a gold brick when he sees who we caught by the old temple".

The window closed, and after a few clicks the heavy door swung open, allowing the masked men to drag our heroes into a kind of receptionist's office.

"Holy shit"! The man behind the desk exclaimed. "Is that who I think it is"?

"It sure is". The masked man replied. "Inform the Chanceler that Revan is going to be held in confinement until his trial can be conducted".

"Confinement"? Chris asked. "But I havent' done anything"! "I don't even know who

He was interupted as the masked man kicked him in the face, and then he was dragged down a long hallway that led to a room that was full of metal cages. There were a few people inside them, but most were empty.

"Well, look who it is". A man in a white labcoat said as Chris was dragged in. "Put him in number three... and don't hurry back".

The masked man laughed as he pulled Chris to his feet and tossed him into the cage. Then he lifted the mask long enough to spit in his face, before leaving the room without another word.

"Hello again, Revan". The man in the labcoat said once they were alone. "I didn't expect to see you again, but your new status as a prisoner...

"Look". Chris replied. "Everyone here keeps calling me Revan, so I must have done something bad to you guys, but I lost my memory and I don't remember ever even being here".

"That's a good line, Revan". "I might even try it myself if my position was as desperate as your's, but for now I'll humor you". "My name is Dr. William Birkin, the most gifted scientist on this planet, as well as the most sadistic prison warden to ever exsist... observe".

He suddenly picked up a cattle-prod, and jammed it into the nuts of the nearest prisoner. The man screamed until his head exploded, and Chris had to cover his mouth to keep from screaming.

This did not keep him from pissing himself though.

"You see"? Dr. Birkin asked as the body collapsed inside the cage. "And he was only in here for j-walking, so imagine what I'm gonna do to an enemy of the state like yourself".

He thrust the cattle-prod toward Chris, making him jump back, but then he started laughing as he put it down on the desk.

"As if I would be so merciful". Dr. Birkin continued. "For you, I have only the most crual and inhumane method of execution that will leave you screaming like a little bitch for about a week before I finally grant you the sweet release of death".

"Won't you atleast tell me what I did"? Chris asked.

"As if you don't remember"! "Do you really expect me to believe that you just forgot about when you and your friend Wesker crashed here a few years ago"? "That it just slipped your mind about how you promised to help us and then just took off, huh"? "And that's not even mentioning the really bad stuff that you did, so I outta kick your balls up into your mouth, you twisted little bastard... in fact...

He suddenly ran toward the cage, and kicked Chris in the nuts so hard that his feet left the ground before he collapsed.

"Is it all coming back to you, Revan"? Dr. Birkin asked. "No"? "Then maybe you need another even harder kick"!

He pulled his leg back, but then the door opened and some more masked men came into the room.

"Trial time". Their leader said. "Take this little cocksucker to the arena".

"Damn it". Dr. Birkin replied as he opened the cage. "There's never enough time".

Once it was open the masked men grabbed Chris by the arms, and took him back into the hallway where they went past the reception office, and down another hall. This one led to a large arena that kind of resembled a Klingon court on those old Star Trek shows.

The crowd booed and tossed rotten fruit at Chris as he was forced into the defendent's booth, but then everyone settled down as an important looking man entered from a side door.

"All rise". The baliff said. "Court is now in session, case number 522847564738293847567888, the people versus Revan, the honorable Chanceler presiding".

"Be seated". The Chanceler said as he sat in the judge's chair. "The verdict is guilty, the sentence is execution, let the trial begin".

"How can you have a verdict already"? Chris asked. "I don't even know what I've

His words turned into a scream as one of the masked men kicked him in the nuts from behind.

"The defendant will be silent". The Chanceler continued. "Read the charges".

"The defendent, Revan". The Baliff read. "Is charged with decieving the Chanceler, entering the forbidden temple without permission, beating three dozen members of the elite guard to death with his bare fists, public intoxication, having immoral and shameless sex with the Chanceler's wife along with his sister and both of his daughters, insighting a civil riot, sodomising our most renouned scientist, theft of the ancient secrets and technology of our people, reactivating the Starforge, having immoral and shameless sex with no less than fifteen underage girls, indecent exposure to the elderly, impersonating a dentist, indecent exposure to a group of girlscouts, defacement of public property by means of urinating on a statue of the Chanceler as well as on the Chanceler himself, indecent exposure to a group of construction workers, talking with his mouth full, and being an overall douchebag".

"Damn". Chris replied. "I can't believe you said that all in one breath".

"Revan, in a word you are obsolete". The Chanceler said. "And I'm afraid that I must now throw the book at you".

The Chanceler closed the very thick book that was on his desk, and whipped it at Chris, making him scream as it smacked him in the face.

"Everyone must have a function and be useful to society, Revan". He continued as Chris hit the floor. "And based on your actions the last time we met, you have no function, which means that you are an obsolete man, and therefore you must be terminated".

"But that's not fair". Chris replied as he got up. "I'm not the same man that I was before, even though the thought of me doing all those things sounds really cool". "Just give me a chance, and I'll prove that I'm a champion of good now".

"Don't give me that bullshit, Revan". "I made the mistake of trusting you once, and what did it get me"? "It got me eighteen dead guards and a wife who screams your name during sex, that's what". "And if that's not enough, both of my daughters and my sister left suicide notes saying that they jumped off the roof of a seven storie building because they knew that they would never find another lover who was as good as you". "So what do you have to say for yourself"?

"Only that I really want to be Revan again".

"You are to be executed at once... and as is customary with our people, you are allowed to choose your own method of death, so what will it be"? "Electrocution"? "Hanging"? "Decapitation"? "Drowning"?

Chris was silent for a second as he pondered his own death.

"Um". He said. "Old age"?

"Done". The Chanceler replied as he banged the hammer. "Court is adjurned, and let this be a lesson to all those who are obsolete".

Everyone stood up as the Chanceler left the room, and everyone else followed a few seconds later, leaving Chris just standing there by himself.

"Uh, ok". He said as he started toward the door. "I'm just gonna go now".

He then ran through the door, and made a mad dash down the hall. There seemed to be no one around at all, so he ran past the reception desk, and out the heavy door to see everyone else just standing around.

"You guys made it"! Chris exclaimed. "How did you escape"?

"Escape"? Ada asked. "We didn't have to escape".

"Yeah". Sam Jackson added. "In fact they treated us real nice once we publicly denounced you and called for the death sentence for your crimes".

"I understand". Chris replied. "It was all you could do to keep yourselves alive, so I don't blame you".

"They didn't threaten us or anything". Ashley said. "They just offered us a free lunch, but what they didn't realize was that I would have denounced you for a snickers bar".

"Yeah". Barry replied. "We totally ripped them off".

"I can't believe you guys". Chris said. "But as a champion of good, I am compelled to forgive you". "Hey, I also learned that the key to getting off this planet is most likely inside that temple we passes earlier, so let's go".

Chris took off running back toward the temple, and after shrugging they followed him. It was only a few hundred yards back to where the Mandalorian's camp had been, so they decided to stop there in order to plan their next move.

"Here's the plan". Chris said. "We rush in there like idiots, and they will never know what hit them".

Ada then smacked him in the side of the head.

"Well, whatever our plan is". Sam Jackson replied. "The only way in seems to be that door up the ramp over there".

"I'll open it"! Barry yelled.

Without another word her ran over to the ramp, and went right up to the door.

"Open up"! He yelled as he pounded it with his fists. "I am Kir'ock, I command you to open"! "I AM KIR'OCK"!

He hit the door a few more times, and then shrugged.

"Oh well". He said as he started to walk away. "I guess it wasn't meant to be".

"Hold on a second". Chris replied as he stopped him. "We can't give up just because you can't force the door open". "There's got to be a trick or something, or maybe there's a hide-a-key around here somewhere".

It was worth a shot, and everyone looked around for a second, but there was no secret lever or anything to be found. So being the heroes that they were, they had decided to give up but then a speeder pulled up to the ramp, and out jumped Liquid and Leon.

"Good news everyone". Liquid said as they walked up the ramp. "We found the parts we need, and T3 is working on the repairs as we speak". "So what's everyone doing here"?

"We think the secrets we need are in this temple". Ada replied. "But we can't seem to get the door open".

"Did anyone try saying open sesame"? Leon asked.

Suddenly there was a rumbling sound, and a second later the temple door started to slowly swing open.

"Incredible". Sam Jackson said. "This really must be from an ancient civilization if that's their best password".

"Good news, Leon". Liquid added. "I've decided not to kill you this week".

"Cool". Leon said as his music began to play. "I like being alive, and that's no small trick when you live the life of Leon... the mighty". "Leon the mighty, the master of unlocking". "Get you into

The singing stopped as everyone pointed their weapons at his face.

"That's better". Ada said as they all put them away. "No singing... ever".

By this time the door had finished opening, and before them was a building that was just as dark and forboding as any of the tombs on Korriban.

"Alright". Ada said. "Chris and Sam come with me, while the rest of you wait here".

"No way". Chris replied. "I've had it with this splitting up crap, and I say that we all go together".

"And why would we do a thing like that"?

"Because for once, and I can't believe I'm saying this, Chris is right". Liquid said.

Everyone gasped at this statement.

"Think about it". Liquid continued. "This is probably the last place we need to go through before we can leave this planet and take out the Starforge". "That means that something nasty is probably waiting for us in there, so we should either all go in or give up and try to find another way".

Everyone took another look at the temple.

"I'm for giving up". Ashley said.

Everyone nodded in agreement and started to walk away, but Chris blocked their path.

"Guys, come on". He said. "We all know that this is the only way off this planet".

"And how do you know that"? Ada asked.

"Because its the most terrifying place we've seen so far, and that means that whatever we need is in there". "Now I don't want to go in there anymore than you guys do... in fact I'm almost pissing my pants just looking at the place, but as the main chatacter of this story I have no choice but to go in there and face whatever lies in wait".

"Good luck with that". Sam Jackson said. "Let's go, guys".

"Damn it, hold on a second". "I can't do this alone, and I'll die a horrible death if you all aren't there to help me". "Leon, you're my best friend and without your help I never would have even finished my Jedi training, so there's no one that I need with me for this more than you". "And Liquid, you've saved my life a hundred times and even though you're a crimminal and your views on the galaxy are kinda fucked up, that makes you the perfect person to help me out-think the bad guys".

It seemed to be working. Leon nodded to him and walked back to the temple door, followed shortly by Liquid who grumbled under his breath.

"Samual L. Jackson". Chris continued. "It goes without saying that I need a Jedi as powerful and experienced as you, and plus you've got that angry black man thing goin on which is pretty intimidating, so I need you to make the bad guys shake in their boots". "And Barry, you're probably the strongest man in exsistance, so will you guys help me"?

"That's so beautiful, Craig". Barry said as tears welled up in his eyes. "We're with you".

"No". Sam Jackson replied. "You just want a token black guy there to sacrifice himself, right"? "So no way".

He started to walk off, but then Barry picked him up and carried him over to the door. Now there was only Ada and Ashley left to convince.

"Well"? Ada asked. "This outta be good". "But be warned that flattery will get you nowhere, and we are more than willing to let you dumbasses kill yourselves in there".

"Let them go, Chris". Liquid said. "Its probably better if they wait back at the ship, being girls and all". "This way we don't have to protect them, and besides their place is in the home anyway".

"You son of a bitch"! Ada and Ashley yelled as they walked over to the door.

Liquid winked at Chris as the girls passed him, and Chris nodded as they all gathered in front of the door.

"Everyone ready"? Ada asked.

"Not really". Liquid replied. "But if we don't go in right now, I'll realize how stupid we're being and back out".

They stood there for another few seconds, and stepped into the temple.


	65. The Temple

No sooner had they stepped into the temple, then then door slammed shut behind them, trapping them like rats.

"Did that surprise anyone"? Sam Jackson asked.

"Not really". Ada replied.

The only light in this place seemed to be coming from skylights and windows that were too small to crawl through. This meant that there was no visible way out besides the now locked door, however it was about noon so everything was very well lit.

"What is this place"? Chris asked.

"Well, they call it a temple". Liquid replied. "But who knows what its really for"?

There were two hallways to choose from, so after a quick coin toss our heroes decided to take the left path, only to have an alarm go off after the first step.

"Well, that can't be good". Leon said.

Suddenly a very large net dropped down on them, and a second later a few dozen dark Jedi came running out of both hallways. Without a word they started beating their helpless captives with what appeared to be billy-clubs, until all of them were helpless on the floor.

"Tresspassers, huh"? The closest one asked. "Well, we know just what to do with tresspassers".

"Send them on their way after a warning"? Chris asked.

"Good guess, but no". "We take them to the torture chamber, and let our evil Sith master decide which way out of our ten thouand options we are going to use to kill them".

"Can't we talk about this"? Ada asked.

"Yes, we could". "However that would waste time, and we are only authorized to work fourty hours per week so that we don't get overtime". "You understand, right"?

"Completely".

"Good, TAKE THEM AWAY"!

The dark Jedi grabbed the net, and then proceded to drag them what felt like half way around the temple before they arrived at a stone door. And when it opened, they were dragged down a smaller hallway which led to a room that was empty except for a broken machine on the floor and a large stone slab with chains attached leaning on the wall.

"What's gonna happen now"? Leon asked.

"Don't ask". Sam Jackson replied. "Maybe it won't".

"I'll tell you what's gonna happen". The same dark Jedi said. "One of you is gonna get put on that slab for our master to play with while the rest of you remain in that net". "Once the one on the slab dies a stomach-churning death, another of you will take their place and so on". "So, who wants to be first"?

Everyone quickly pointed at eachother.

"Ok, I'll choose for you". He continued. "And I pick... YOU"!

Suddenly a small group of dark Jedi pulled Liquid out of the net while he kicked and cussed at them. Then they chained him to the slab while everyone else restrained the other prisoners.

"There, all better". The dark Jedi said once Liquid was chained down.

"You can't do this"! Chris yelled. "Take me instead"!

"Yeah, take him instead"! Liquid yelled.

"Hey... don't I know you"? The dark Jedi asked as he looked at Chris. "Oh my God, you're Darth Revan, aren't you"? "KICK HIS ASS"!

Suddenly all the dark Jedi in the room grabbed Chris and started to kick and stomp him. This meant a horrible beating for Chris, but it also meant that all of the other prisoners had been forgotten in the chaos. So as quietly as they could everyone started to slip out of the net.

The dark Jedi's leader noticed this and would have said something if Liquid's legs hadn't suddenly wrapped around his head. A second later his neck was broken, and his body hit the floor at the same time that all the other dark Jedi were cut down by a mixture of blaster fire and lightsaber blades.

Chris continued to remain screaming in the fetal position as Ada cut the chains on Liquid's wrists, but then Sam Jackson kicked him, making the screaming stop as he opened his eyes.

"Did I win"? He asked.

"You're a hero, Craig"! Barry yelled as he picked him up. "You distracted them so we could get away and save Liquid"!

"I did"? "I mean... of course I did"! "That was my plan all along, and as usual it went off without a hitch because no amount of Sith cocksuckers can ever hope to stand against the knowledge and strength of the Republic"!

"Alright, enough". Liquid said as he walked up to him. "Normally I'd kick you in the nuts for making those stupid Republic speeches, but... I guess... I guess that you just kinda saved my life just now, huh"? "I mean we have no way of knowing if this mysterious Sith master was actually gonna kill me, but you were willing to give up your life to save mine".

"Its nothing more than I would do for any of my friends".

"Shut up and listen". "Now I've forced countless dozens of people to sacrifice themselves so that I could live, but no one ever did it willingly before". "Its no secret that I've wanted to do nothing but kick your sorry ass since we met, and even more so once I found out that you're the Sith bastard who killed my family, but you're not really that person anymore are you"?

"What are you trying to say, Liquid"?

"I'm saying that I can't blame you anymore for what happened to my planet, even though you did it". "I guess that getting mind-raped by the Jedi and forced to be Chris for the rest of your life is punishment enough... so I forgive you".

Tears started to well up in everyone's eyes, and Chris moved forward for a hug, but then the moment was ruined when Liquid smacked him in the mouth.

"Don't ever hug me". He said. "Now let's do whatever we're supposed to do here, and leave before I change my mind about everything".

Everyone followed as he started back down the small hallway, and once the stone door was open he stuck his head out.

"Its clear, come on". Liquid whispered.

They all walked back into the main hallway, and started creeping around as quietly as they could. This went ok for awhile, but then they rounded a corner and came face to face with a bunch more dark Jedi along with a bunch of armored Sith soldiers.

"What the fuck"? The closest dark Jedi asked.

"Uh... hi". Liquid said as the Sith readied their weapons. "We're a little lost, you see... um... we're here for the MWR show later tonight, because we're the um... oh hell, let's just give them a preview of our show". "A one, and a two, and a...

"You are the sunshine of my life". Everyone sang. "That why I will always be your friend". "Even when the

"KILL THEM"! The dark Jedi ordered.

Everyone screamed as ran back the other way as the Sith soldiers opened fire. Soon the hallway was filled with blaster shots and wildly swinging lightsaber blades, but as the Sith continued the chase, they did not realize that our heroes had ran through the closest stone door that they could find.

It was quickly shut and locked, then Ada listened through the door until the sounds of the soldiers had gotten too far away to hear.

"I think they're gone". She said. "For now".

"This place is insane". Ashley replied. "Dark Jedi, Sith soldiers, the creepy black and white thing... where does the madness end"?

"I'll protect you, Ashley". Leon said as he put his arms around her. "And in return I'm even willing to let you jerk me off later".

In response Ashley kneed him in the nuts and pushed him away, making Leon stumble back a few steps before screaming as he fell down a staircase.

"Leon"? Chris called as everyone ran to the top of the stairs. "LEON"?

"Go see if he's alright"! Barry yelled as he pushed Chris forward.

Chris started to protest, but then he also screamed as he tumbled down the stairs. He rolled and rolled before landing with a hard thud right on top of Leon.

"You ok, Leon"? Chris asked.

"Sure, buddy". He replied. "I knew you wouldn't leave me down here".

They started to get up, but then there was a loud thumping sound, followed by more screams as Barry landed on top of them.

"Hi guys"! He exclaimed.

"GET OFF ME"! Leon gasped. "For God's sake, get him off me"!

Barry rolled off to the side, and then Chris helped Leon to his feet as the others came down the stairs.

"Laying down on the job"? Ada asked. "What the hell do you think this is"? "There could be horrible nasty things down here that want to kill us, but would we know"? "No, because our advance team wants to get some frickin shut-eye".

"I'm sorry, Ada". Chris said. "It won't happen again".

"Yes it will... but since we are surrounded by Sith, I am forced to spare your lives for the moment". "Now what is this place"?

They looked around, and saw that this basement was one single giant room that was filled with rows and rows of books. The light came from torches on the walls, and it became obvious that they had stumbled onto an ancient library of some kind.

"Look at this place". Liquid said. "It looks like no one has been down here in a million years".

Suddenly they all jumped back as a man with very thick glasses came out from behind one of the rows.

"Hello". He said as he set an armload of books down. "Isn't this place just wonderful"?

"Sure". Ada replied. "What is it"?

"Its a library, duh". "I never used to have any time to read because my horrible bitch of a wife thought it was against God or something". "But then I pushed her into a woodchipper, and suddenly I have all the reading time in the world". "Yes sir, time enough at last".

He turned away to get some more books, but walked right into a bookcase, and his glasses shattered as they hit the floor.

"Oh no"! He yelled as he picked up the fragments. "The cruel hand of fate has butt-raped me once again"! "However not all is lost because I'll just read the books with really big print".

He started searching for the big books, but screamed as his eyes fell right out of their sockets.

"NOOOOOO"! The man screamed. "WHY, OH GOD, WHY"? "Oh well, I'm sure glad I paid that money for the Brail reading class over at the community college".

But then his hands fell off, and he screamed as he took off running like a madman. Atleast until he ran right into a stone pillar in the center of the room, and died from the head trauma that followed.

"This planet frickin sucks". Leon said. "We need to hurry up and find... hey, does anyone have a clue as to what we're looking for"?

The jeopardy theme started to play as everyone looked at eachother, but this stopped as Ashley got an excited look on her face.

"Oh my God, you guys"! She yelled as she ran to a book shelf. "Look what I found"!

"The key to the disruptor field"? Ada asked.

"No, BETTER"!

She grabbed a bunch of books and set them on a nearby table.

"What is all that"? Sam Jackson asked.

"Don't you know"? She replied. "Its only every book in the entire Twilight saga"! "I never got to read the last book, and I can't wait to see who Bella finally ends up with"!

"Sorry Ashley". Liquid said. "I hate to give out spoilers like this, but we're on a mission and there's no other choice".

"I guess that makes sense". "Ok Liquid, which one did Bella end up with"?

"Neither one... after Edward and, uh... that other guy spent so much time fighting over her, they um... realized that they were tottally gay for eachother".

"What"?

"Yeah... I tottally read those books... and um... those two guys had gay butt sex while Bella was alone until she found some other guy to hoe herself out to".

Ashley just stood there for a second.

"Ok". She said as she left the books. "Thanks for saving me all that time".

"No problem". Liquid replied. "Hey, what's that thing"?

Everyone looked, and saw that behind the Twilight books was one of those old penny fortune telling machines, complete with devil head on the top.

"Now that's brilliant". Sam Jackson said as he picked it up. "These things hold the answers of the universe, and whoever hid it there knew that it would be safe forever".

"How do you figure that"? Chris asked.

"Because the only way to find it would be to pick up the Twilight books... if not for Ashley it would have been lost forever".

He took the machine over to the closest table, and everyone gathered around.

"Alright, who's got pennies"? Liquid asked.

"I do"! Leon yelled as he took off his boot.

He shook it and a small bag of pennies fell out on the table. He put his boot back on, and after everyone fought the smell, the pennies were divided up so that they would all get to ask one question.

"Me first". Ada said as she put her coin in the slot. "Let's get this over with... how do we turn off the disruptor field.

She pushed the button, and the devil head spit out a slip of paper that said:

USE THE CONTROL TERMINAL ON TOP OF THE TEMPLE.

UP THE OTHER SET OF STAIRS, YOU CAN'T MISS IT.

"Its on the roof"? She exclaimed. "We could've just climbed the wall or something... I hate this planet"!

"My turn"! Leon yelled as he put in the coin. "How can I get Ashley to willingly have wild passionate sex with me"?

He pushed the button, and another slip of paper popped out that said:

I'M A FORTUNE TELLING MACHINE,

NOT A MIRACLE WORKER.

"Damn it"! Leon yelled as he tossed the paper.

"Me next". Ashley said as she put in the coin. "Where in this cold galaxy will I ever be able to find true love"? "You know, the kind from the fairy tales that is true, and pure, and lasts forever because they are my soulmate".

She pushed the button, and the paper said:

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

OH... WERE YOU SERIOUS?

Ashley hung her head as she stepped over with the others who had already taken their turn, and then Barry stepped up.

"Ok, machine". He said as he put the coin in. "I have looked everywhere... WHERE ARE MY SUNGLASSES"?

He pushed the button and the paper said:

ON TOP OF YOUR HEAD.

Barry slowly reached up to the top of his head where no one else was tall enough to see, and then he gasped as his hand came back with the sunglasses.

"IT WORKS"! He screamed as he ran around the room. "I GOT MY SUNGLASSES"! "I GOT MY SUNGLASSES"! "Gosh... I guess I shouldn't have killed those guys on Taris for taking them, huh"?

"I got a good one". Sam Jackson said as he put in the coin. "What is Liquid's full name"?

He pushed the button, and the slip of paper said:

TOBIAS ALABASTER LONGFELLOW MORTOMER ALFRED HITCHCOCK LIQUID

THE THIRD

"Oh my God". Ada said as everyone started snickering. "No wonder you just go by Liquid".

"Laugh it up". Liquid replied. "Just take your turns and let's go".

Next up was Chris, so he thought for a second and then put in the coin.

"Am I really Darth Revan"? He asked as he pushed the button.

An instant later the paper came out and it said:

DON'T GET TOO ATTACHED TO YOUR FRIENDS.

"What the hell does that mean"? Chris asked.

Suddenly Liquid drew his blaster and shot the machine into a hundred pieces.

"Stupid machine"! He yelled. "Its not here to help us, it just wants to scare us"! "But we have to remain calm, or we'll be consumed just like Jim Carrey in that movie 23"! "So let's just go up the other set of stairs, turn off the disruptor field, and get the hell off this stupid planet"!

Without another word he took off running across the library, and everyone followed as he reached the other stairs. It bypasses the first floor completely, and suddenly they were on the roof, but then they stopped in their tracks as they saw who was waiting for them.

Their enemy wore a Sith master's uniform like the ones on Korriban, and wielded a double-bladed red lightsaber... but it just wasn't possible...

It had to be some kind of a trick... they could not be seeing who they thought they were seeing...

"Jill"? Chris asked.


	66. Choose Your Destiny

"Hello, Revan". Jill said as she walked toward them. "I knew that you would find your way back here eventually".

"Cool". Ada replied. "So let's take down the disruptor field and escape before the Sith master shows up".

"I don't think that you quite grasp the situation, Ada". "You see... I'm the Sith master".

(Dramatic music is played)

"What are you talking about"? Sam Jackson asked. "Don't tell me that you were turned to the darkside so easily"?

"Easily"? Jill replied. "I resisted with everything that I had, but then I started to ask myself why". "Its because the Jedi want to keep everything under their control, and they figured out that the weaker you are as a Jedi, the stronger you are as a Sith". "But even with all of his great power... Darth Wesker is a bit of an idiot, and that's why I want you to help me overthrow him, Revan".

"Let me get this right". Chris said. "You want me to help you overthrow the current dark lord of the Sith, right"? "So come with us, since that was the plan all along".

Jill shook her head.

"Ok, Revan". She said. "I realize that the Jedi took a power-mixer to your brain, but try to comprehend what I'm saying". "I don't want to destroy the Sith for the good of the Republic or the Jedi". "I want it for myself".

"And how do you plan to do that"? Chris asked.

"Revan, if you embrace the darkside you will be magically transformed back into the badass that you once were". "I used to hate you for that, which is why I always picked on you, but now I realize that I should have been fighting at your side all along".

"No... this is wrong, Jill". "I was wrong to do all of those manly and really badass things when I was Revan, but now I have a chance to make up for it by being a champion of good". "Not only that, but with all of my friends standing with me, nothing can ever defeat us".

Jill just looked at him for a second, and started laughing.

"Friends"? She asked. "Don't make me laugh, Revan".

"They are my friends"! Chris yelled. "And so are you, Jill"!

"Friends, huh"? "Do friends treat eachother like absolute dogshit"? "Was Sam Jackson your friend when he took your boots and tossed you into a haunted cabin"? "Was Barry your friend when he provided the rope that they were gonna use to string you up"? "Was Liquid your friend... ever"?

The confidence was fading from Chris's face, and he looked down at the ground. Everything that had happened to him since waking up on the Endar Spire was now flashing before his eyes, and only now was he starting to realize how weak and pathetic he really was.

He wanted to be Revan again.

"Help me kill Wesker, Revan". Jill continued. "Embrace the darkside and reclaim your rightful place as the dark lord of the Sith".

"Enough"! Liquid yelled as he drew his blaster pistol. "I'm gonna kill this bitch right now"!

He aimed at her, but then Chris's leg shot out and kicked the weapon out of his hand. Before anyone could react he used his other leg to kick Liquid in the face, before spining around for a third kick that sent Liquid rolling across the floor.

Ashley aimed her blaster rifle and started shooting, but Chris dodged all of her shots until getting close enough to knock it out of her hands. Ada attacked with her lightsaber, but Chris rolled out of the way and got back to his feet.

"What the hell is going on here"? Leon asked.

"He's turning on us, that's what"! Liquid gasped as he got up.

"Right you are". Chris said as he looked at them. "For I am Darth Revan, and I'm going to kick... your... ass".

Suddenly a bunch of Sith soldiers came up the stairs, and lined up next to Chris and Jill. Then Chris shot his arm up into the air as music started to play.

"Your butt is mine, gonna take you right". He sang as they started dancing. "Just show your face in broad daylight". "I'm tellin you on how I feel, gonna hurt your mind, don't shoot to kill". "Come on, come on, lay it on me... alright".

Suddenly Sam Jackson activated his lightsaber and attacked, but Chris easily knocked it out of his hands, and used force lightning to send him flying off the roof.

"Not again"! Sam yelled as he fell.

"I'm giving you on count of three". Chris sang. "To show your stuff or let it be". "I'm telling you, just watch your mouth... I know your game... what you're about". "Well they say the sky's the limit, and for me that's really true, but my friend you have seen nothing... just wait till I get through, because I'm bad"! "I'm bad"!

"Really, really bad". Jill and the Sith sang.

"You know I'm bad"! "I'm bad, you know it, you know"! "And the whole world has to answer right now just to tell you once again"! "Who's bad"?

Chris quickly grabbed Ashley, and Ada went to stop him with her lightsaber. However he ended up giving them a triple-kiss, and they smiled in a drunk sort of way as they both fainted.

"The word is out, that you're doin wrong". He sang. "Gonna lock you up before too long". "Your lyin eyes gonna take you right, so listen up and don't make a fight". "Your talk is cheap... you're not a man... you're throwin stones to hide your hands". "We can change the world tomorrow, this could be a better place". "If you don't like what I'm sayin... then won't you slap my face because I'm bad"! "I'm bad"!

"Really, really bad". Jill and the Sith sang.

"You know I'm bad"! "I'm bad, you know it, you know"! "And the whole world knows I'm bad and I'm proud, let me tell you once again... who's bad"?

Suddenly Chris became a blur as he rushed toward Barry with a punch that sent him flying off the roof, and then the music stopped as everyone turned toward Leon and Liquid.

"Alright, you sorry sons of bitches". Chris said. "I'm gonna give you a choice". "You can either become my lackeys... or you can take a flying leap".

"Does it come with benifits"? Liquid asked.

"We have a pretty good dental plan, but those HMO's are killing us in the health insurance department". "However we offer a competitive 401K plan, and as a bonus... I won't have you both castrated".

"I don't know, Liquid". Leon said. "That's a pretty tempting offer". "What about housing and sign-on bonuses"?

"Well, recruitment is kinda low right now... so if you sign up with the Sith empire today you'll each get an ounce of weed, in addition to your choice of duty station and one of my newly aquired sex slaves for your very own".

"Damn, that DOES sound pretty good". Liquid replied. "But what about

"Jesus, Revan"! Jill interupted. "Just kill them and get it over with"!

Chris thought about it for a second, and then he shrugged as he activated his suddenly-red lightsaber.

"Sorry guys". He said as he started toward them. "But the crowd has turned against you, so I'm afraid that you'll have to die".

He moved to attack, but Liquid drew his other blaster pistol and fired. Not at Chris, but at the only control terminal in sight. It exploded in a flash, and Liquid grabbed Leon as he jumped over the edge. The temple only had one floor, so it was only about a ten foot fall, and for once luck was with them as they landed in the speeder that they had stolen from the village.

"Hold on to your ass". Liquid said as he fired it up. "I sure hope I took out the disruptor field back there".

"What about the others"? Leon asked.

"Screw the others, I wanna live"!

He hit the gas, and it seemed like they were safe as the speeder took off away from the temple. But then Leon looked back, and screamed like a girl as he saw that Chris was sitting in the back seat.

"Hello boys". He said. "Let's have some fun".

He punched Leon in the mouth and put Liquid in a sleeper hold as he used his free arm to fight him over the controls. This caused the speeder to swerve out of control and accelerate as it flew over the edge of a very large hill.

All three of them screamed as they went down, but then Liquid poked Chris in the eye and kicked Leon out of the speeder before jumping out himself. They hit the sand hard, and Chris was still in the speeder as it crashed into a large rock, making it explode.

"YES"! Liquid yelled as he started to get up. "Take that, Revan"!

That explosion could have killed anything, and it would be awhile before Jill and the other Sith could reach them, so now they had to find a place to hide.

Or atleast they thought they did. Because once they looked around, they saw that they had landed right next to the Ebon Hawk.

And it was in good shape.

"DOUBLE YES"! Liquid yelled. "T3 must have finished the repairs, so let's get outa here"!

They got to their feet, and ran over to the boarding ramp. But two steps away from freedom they found themselves looking down the barrel of a blaster rifle as HK-47 appeared in the doorway, making them stop in their tracks.

"Greeting: Hello, meatbags". It said. "Your utility droid is a bit tied up at the moment, so allow me to convey his regards".

The droid suddenly swung the rifle, hitting them both in the face and making them roll back down the ramp.

"What do we do"? Leon asked as they got to their feet.

"Run"! Liquid yelled.

They took off back across the beach, but stopped when they saw Jill coming down the path. Sure she was alone, but they were in no condition to fight her and HK-47, so they changed directions only to stop again as they saw the wreckage of the speeder start to move.

"You have got to be kidding me". Liquid said.

Suddenly the wreckage was tossed aside, and Chris walked toward them completely unharmed. Now they were trapped as Jill, HK-47, and Chris all came toward them.

"HK-47". Chris said as he pointed at Liquid. "I command you to kill this asshole very slowly".

"Statement: At once, master". The droid replied. "As always, HK-47 is ready to serve".

"Excellent... Liquid, I suggest that you run".

"Ok". Liquid replied.

He took off, but the droid was already on him. It hit Liquid in the stomach with the rifle and then started stomping him once he fell. This went on for a minute or two until HK-47 grabbed him by the hair and started dragging him toward the water.

"Query: How long can a meatbag survive underwater"? It asked as they reached the ocean. "Answer: We shall soon see".

It then shoved Liquid's whole head underwater, pulled him back up a second later, and shoved him under again.

"Do you see, Leon"? Chris asked as it continued dunking Liquid. "Do you see the power of the Sith"?

"Come on, Chris, don't do this". Leon pleaded. "You're better than this". "Just listen to your heart and it will tell you that what you're doing is wrong".

Chris and Jill just looked at eachother for a second before they burst out laughing.

"Come on, Chris, snap out of it". He continued. "I know that Jill got you thinking about the bad stuff that happened to you, but try to remember the good things too".

"Like what"? Chris asked.

"Like... like when we had to brave the dangers of Dantooine all by ourselves". "We escaped from mercenaries, we solved a murder mystery, hell we even stopped an age old blood feud and saved Ada from the darkside". "Do you remember, Chris"?

"I... uh...

"Or what about how we worked together to find the starmap on Korriban"? "We found it and destroyed the entire Sith academy, but did we use the darkside for that"? "No, we did it all by ourselves because

Suddenly Jill came forward and kicked Leon in the nuts. Then she forced his head down into the sand, and started kicking him in the ass.

"Nice try, Leon". She said. "But Revan has the darkside now, and after we kill you and Liquid we are gonna go up to the Starforge, and we're gonna

She was interupted as Leon grabbed a rock, and tossed it at her face. She easily moved out of the way, but Chris didn't see it coming until it smalled right into his forehead. His eyes then rolled into the back of his head as he fell on his back.

"Revan"? Jill asked as she kicked Leon down.

"What happened"? Chris asked as he sat up. "Where is everyone"?

"Revan... are you alright"?

"I wish people would stop calling me that... I'm Chris now, remember"? "I am a champion of...

He stopped talking as he saw HK-47 continuing to shove Liquid's head underwater.

"What the hell"? He asked. "What's going on"?

"No". Jill said as she realized what had happened. "NO"! "Quickly Revan, you have to embrace the darkside"!

"Why would I wanna do that"? "The darkside is evil".

"Damn right it is". A voice said from behind them.

She turned around and saw Sam Jackson coming down the path...

Along with Ada, Ashley, and Barry.

"Damn you". Jill said as she started to back away. "Damn all of you"! "You could have had it all, Revan... but now I'll go to the Starforge to help Wesker destroy you and everyone else"!

She became a blur as she blew past everyone on her way back toward the temple, and a minute later a small shuttle was seen taking off into space.

"We gotta save Liquid"! Leon shouted.

"We do"? Ashley asked.

"Request: If any of you meatbags wish to die". HK-47 said as it aimed the blaster rifle at them. "Then feel free to come at me in any way that you

The droids words were interupted as Liquid activated his stolen lightsaber, and used the green blade to slice the droid in half while he threw up about a gallon of sea water. Then he pushed it under water and began stabbing it over and over again.

"Stupid droid"! He yelled as he stumbled toward the shore. "And fucking stay dead this time"!

He reached the shore a few seconds later, and to the surprise of all he completely ignored Chris as he stumbled up the boarding ramp.

"Ok, Chris... what the fuck, over"? Ada asked.

"I don't know what happened". He replied as he slowly got up. "How did I even get out here"? "Last thing I remember... we were in the temple... and

He was interupted as the Ebon Hawk's engines fired up.

"He's leaving without us"! Ashley yelled. "Come on"!

They all made a mad dash for the ship, the last of them just barely getting into the ship as it lifted off and started away from the planet.

"Submitted for your approval, the crew of the Ebon Hawk". Rod Serling said as he stepped out from behind some large rocks. "Having defied all odds they managed to fix their ship and escape from an unknown world where nothing was what it seems". "This is not the end of their quest, however... it was meerly a small detour... through the Twilight Zone".


	67. Welcome To The Starforge

Color slowly returned to the galaxy as the Ebon Hawk left the planet's atmosphere, and now there was nothing standing between them and the Starforge itself.

Except for the matter of what to do with Chris, that is.

As soon as the ship had taken off, Chris had quickly been stomped into the floor by Liquid. He was then melvened, given a swirlie, and was now tied to a chair in the map room.

"Let's hang him"! Barry yelled.

"Not good enough". Liquid replied. "Did you see what happened to T3"? "Revan's death-bot blasted him into a million pieces, that's what". "What am I gonna do without him"?

"You'll get a new droid the first chance you get". Ashley said. "And then you'll forget all about T3M4".

"True, but between then and now I'm... I'm just devistated".

"Let's hang him"! Barry yelled.

"No, let's tar and feather him". Sam Jackson suggested. "Then we'll hang him".

"How about we let him go"? Leon asked.

Everyone got real quiet as they looked at him.

"Explain yourself". Liquid ordered. "Before I kill you right along with him".

"He turned to the darkside, and kicked all our asses, right"? Leon explained. "But now he's Chris again, and I was thinking that if we can keep him that way until we get to the Starforge... maybe he can do the same thing to Wesker".

"Leon, that plan is so stupid and dangerous that it just might work". "However Revan here is an unacceptable risk, so I'm just gonna kill him now".

Chris screamed as Liquid pointed a blaster pistol at his head.

"Wait". Ada said. "Leon is right".

"I am"? Leon asked.

"He is"? Liquid asked.

"Yes... its true that Chris is an unstoppable killing machine when he reverts back into Revan, but that is what we are going to need the next time we face Darth Wesker".

"Ok, I can buy that, but what about the next time he sees Jill"? "She made him turn on us once, and I bet that she can do it again".

"Let's hang him"! Barry yelled.

"No, let's not". Ada said. "I'm in charge of this mission, and I say that no one kills Chris until I say so".

"Yeah"? Liquid asked. "Then you're gonna have a mutiny on your hands, and then I will releave you of your command".

"On what grounds"?

"Failure to prevent a mutiny".

Ada started to say something else, but then the radio started beeping, so Liquid went over to the nearest control panel and pushed the button.

"We're being hailed". He said. "It looks like its from a Republic warship".

"On screen". Ada replied.

Liquid pushed another button, and the map computer now displayed the bridge of a large warship.

"Ebon Hawk". The Captain said. "This is Captain Dylan Hunt of the Republic warship Andremeda".

"Dylan"? Liquid asked. "Is that you"?

"Liquid"? "Target the Ebon Hawk with missile tubes one through five, and prepare full salvo".

"NO"! Ada screamed. "We sent you these coordinates so that you could help us take out the Starforge"!

"Starforge"?

"Yeah, the Starforge"! "You know... the giant space station with the huge Sith fleet around it"!

Captain Hunt's gaze shifted to another of the monitors, and then he gasped as he saw the Sith fleet.

"Well, damn". He said. "I guess we should'a brought more than just the Andromeda, huh"?

"Oh my God"! Seamus Harper yelled. "We're all gonna die, aren't we"? "Of course we are, and I'm the only one on this entire crew who never got laid in one way or another"! "We have to get out of here"! "We have to get out of here right

His rantings were interupted as Captain Hunt turned around and shot him in the chest, making everyone gasp as the body hit the ground.

"Sorry about that". He said as he turned back toward the screen. "Now what are we gonna do about that Starforge thing"?

"What if we just fly up to it and land"? Leon asked.

Again everyone got real quiet as they looked at him.

"Remember when we were on that Sith ship"? He continued. "And Ada had us walk in like we were supposed to be there"?

"I remember". Sam Jackson replied. "That was when you almost got sodomised by the green ranger, right"?

Everyone on both ship suddenly started laughing.

"That plan almost worked". Ada said. "But we got the one group of guards in the universe that actually paid attention".

"Well, its certainly not the worst plan we ever had". Liquid replied. "Fine, let's try it".

Captain Hunt nodded, then the transmission cut off, and Liquid walked back into the cockpit.

"Ok, people". He said as he got in the chair. "Prepare for suicide plan... what are we up too... seven"?

He shrugged as the auto pilot disengaged, and then the Andremeda followed the Ebon Hawk as it headed toward the Starforge's docking bays.

"This is it, guys". Leon said as he untied Chris. "The final battle where we defeat the evil Sith, and become heroes".

"You're right, Leon". Chris said as he stood up. "We escaped Taris, completed Jedi training, found all five starmaps, and even got past that really weird black and white planet". "All of that has meerely been a preparation for what is to come on the Starforge, but make no mistake that we will defeat Darth Wesker, save Jill, and stop the evil power of this place from ever hurting anyone again".

The plan was going perfectly. The Sith warships ignored both ship as they approached the Starforge, and a minute or two later the Ebon Hawk had touched down in the landing bay while the Andromeda attached to a nearby airlock since it was so big.

There were no sounds coming from outside as the engines powered down, and you could almost feel the tension in the air as the boarding ramp lowered.

What would they find out there in the Starforge?

A million Sith soldiers ready to sodomise them before execution?

Killer war-droids programmed to do nothing but disect humans?

Hundreds of blood-thirsty dark Jedi?

But there was nothing.

The hanger was empty as the crew of the Ebon Hawk exited their ship, and then the airlock opened as the crew of the Andromeda came into the room.

"You guys ready to do this"? Leon asked.

"We certainly are". Captain Hunt replied as his crew drew their weapons. "Now all of you put your damn hands in the air".

"Aw, crap". Liquid said as they put their hands up.

"Good, now we might not have to shoot your asses". "Ok, here's what's up: We talked about it and all of us are in agreement that this mision of your's is, well... pretty fucking stupid". "So we're leaving, and your women are coming with us". "And the big guy, too... he looks like he might be good in a fight". "The rest of you get to stay here and die for the glory of the Republic".

"What about me"? Sam Jackson asked.

"Sorry, we already have a black guy".

"Damn it".

"Look". Liquid said as Ada, Ashley, and Barry walked over to them. "I can understand if you want to punk out of the mission, but you already have a bunch of good looking girls on your crew, so why take ours"?

"Are you kidding me"? Captain Hunt asked. "I'm Dylan Hunt, the only starship captain in history who is a bigger sex fiend than Kirk". "If I take your women then I can do a different one monday through friday, select one at random for saturday, and sleep it off on sunday". "Well, good luck on your mission, cause I got some new girls to break in".

They kept their weapons aimed at then until they were all out the airlock. A minute later the Andromeda detached from the Starforge and jumped into hyperspace as soon as it was far enough away.

"I can't believe that just happened". Leon said.

"And I can't believe that we're still here". Liquid replied. "I say let's get the hell outa here, fuck this mission and the Republic".

They all started running back to the Ebon Hawk, but then the outer doors locked down as an alarm started going off.

"That can't be good". Sam Jackson said.

"Intruder alert". A loudspeaker said. "Unauthorized persons detected in landing bay". "Security teams to landing bay on the double".

"Oh God, what do we do"? Chris asked. "Any minute now they're gonna come here and kill us"!

"Hide"! Liquid yelled.

They took cover behind some large cargo containers, and a few seconds later the elevator made a 'ding' sound as it came to a stop.

"Ok, here's what we do". Liquid said as the doors opened. "As soon as the guards get out, we get in kinda like in the first Metal Gear Solid game".

The guards came running out of the elevator screaming like a bunch of idiots and shooting everything in sight. This gave our heroes the distraction that they needed in order to get into the elevator, and once the doors closed they all sighed with relief as it started moving up.


	68. Deck One

On one of the upper decks of the Starforge, Darth Wesker and Jill stood watching as more and more ships joined their fleet.

"Do you see, Jill"? Wesker asked. "Do you see how awesome I am"? "Once the fleet is completed, I shall turn its might toward the core worlds, and finally be the ruler of the galaxy"!

"Yeah... great". Jill replied. "So I don't get to use my battle meditation against the Republic afterall, huh"?

"Doesn't look that way".

Suddenly the nearest door opened, and the green ranger came running in.

"Lord Wesker"! He yelled. "We got trouble"!

"Sweet". Wesker replied. "I haven't seen that game since I was a kid". "Oh, its fun gettin into trouble... so much fun gettin into trouble".

"I don't think he's talking about the board game". Jill said.

"Quite right". The green ranger explained. "Lord Wesker, I have reason to believe that the Starforge has been infiltrated by Republic forces".

"That's it"? Wesker asked. "No biggie, just have the Soldiers keep a lookout, and tell them to kill anything that looks suspicious".

The green ranger nodded and then vanished back through the door as Wesker turned back toward the newly built ships.

"Aren't you worried"? Jill asked.

"Not really, no". He replied. "I knew that the Republic and the Jedi would find this place eventually, but rest assured that those poor Republic bastards will be dead before they know what hit them".

"I can't believe we're finally here". Leon said as the elevator kept going up.

"Well, I can't believe that you farted in such a small space". Liquid replied.

"That wasn't me"!

"Well, it wasn't me". Chris said.

"A likely story". Liquid replied as he turned toward him. "So, you've sunk so low as to blame others for your nasty gut-rot smelling farts, huh"?

"Quiet, all of you". Sam Jackson said. "Now as much as I hate the fact that I'm stuck here with a bunch of honkeys like you, we have no choice but to work together if any of us want to get outa here alive". "God only knows what kind of horrors are waiting for us once this elevator stopps, but we are probably gonna be jumped and curb-stomped within five seconds".

"Nothing like the power of positivity, huh"?

Suddenly the elevator stopped, and everyone froze as the door opened. They were now in a place that looked kinda like the command deck on the Leviathan, but instead of being empty it was almost filled to capasity with all kinds of Sith, in and out of uniform.

They were not sure what they expected to find here, but this was not it. There were shops, restuarants, construction sites... it was almost like they had stepped out into a small community like Dreshdae had been on Korriban.

"Search over there". A Sith soldier ordered.

"Come on, quick"! Liquid said as he darted out of the elevator.

Everyone followed him as he ran down the closest hallway, and hid behind a bunch of large boxes as the Sith soldiers began looking around.

"Hey, you". Their leader said to the nearest person. "Harboring Republic spies is punishable by death".

He then shot this person, and another soldier walked up to him.

"How did you know he was hiding spies"? He asked.

"I didn't". Their leader replied as they continued the search. "But now no one else around here will".

"Alright, this isn't gonna work". Liquid said. "We need to find a way to move around this place without looking suspicious if we're gonna have any hope of finding a way outa here".

"And finding Jill and Wesker, too". Chris added.

"Uh... yeah... of course". "So I say that we split up and each find a way to blend in to the best of our abilities". "Ready, go".

Liquid suddenly rolled himself over the boxes and vanished down a hallway, and a second later Sam Jackson went in the opposite direction. This left Chris and Leon just kinda standing there for a second before they split up as well.

Liquid did his best to remain hidden as he moved from hiding place to hiding place, and this was going well, except for that fact that he was having no luck at all finding a way to blend in.

This changed however, when he came up to a construction site where a bunch of workers were trying to clear out a wall to make more space.

"Let's go, you cocksuckers"! The foreman yelled as Liquid krept closer. "I swear to God you people are gettin paid to do nothin"! "In fact I should dock all of you a month's pay just for being a bunch of worthless lazy little

His yelling was stopped as he was grabbed from behind, and pulled behind some crates.

(Costume change)

A few seconds later Liquid came out wearing the foreman's hardhat, tool belt and sunglasses. This left the workers just standing there looking at him.

"Uh... union break"? He asked.

The workers cheered as they ran away from the site, and Liquid followed them.

Meanwhile Sam Jackson had tried the same stratagy of moving from place to place, but for him it did not go so well. And by not so well, I mean that he had gone about twenty feet when a police siren went off for a second, and he turned around just in time to see a motorcycle cop get off his bike.

"Uh... hi". Sam said as he stood up.

"What'cha doin around here, boy"? The cop replied.

"Boy"?

"That's right boy, I'm talkin to you". "You know, bein a suspicious black man is a federal offence around here, so I'm gonna have to give you a good whoopin".

He walked over to arrest him, but Sam kicked him in the nuts at the last minute, before using a headlock to break his neck.

(Costume change)

Now wearing the cop's helmet and uniform, Sam walked over to the motorcycle and started it up. However he had never used one before, so he stalled it out a few times before he just decided to walk.

Chris and Leon had started out by splitting up, but had quickly come back together once they had been spotted by some soldiers. So now they were running down hallway after hallway, trying to find a place to hide long enough to form a plan.

Soon they had lost the soldiers, but now they had to find a way to blend in so that they wouldn't be spotted again.

"Hey, look". Chris said as he pointed.

There were a couple of off-duty Sith standing near some more large boxes, so Chris and Leon crept around behind the boxes, and grabbed the unsuspecting Sith.

Some punching sounds could be heard from behind the boxes, and a few seconds later the off-duty Sith just shook their heads as they walked away. A few seconds later Chris and Leon stumbled out. They walked around in a bit of an ass-whoopin enduced daze, but then something strange happened.

They both tripped over what seemed to be a bale of hay, and looked up to find themselves in what looked like a scene from the old west.

There was a saloon, tumble-weeds were rolling around, and everyone seemed to be dressed for the part.

"Hey, you"! A nearby man called.

They quickly jumped to their feet, but there was no time to run before the man got there.

"You're the temps, right"? He asked.

"Uh... yeah". Leon replied. "We're the, uh... temps".

"Cool, welcome to Old West World, your costumes are in that shed over there". "Now we open to the public in about twenty minutes, so get dressed and just try to be convincing".

He walked away without another word, so Chris and Leon shrugged as they walked toward the shed.

Inside they found what appeared to be a dressing room, and as promised there were two costumes waiting for them.

(Costume change)

Once their costumes were on, they looked in the mirror. Chris was now wearing a cowboy costume complete with hat and boots, while Leon was wearing the outfit and headdress of an indian chief.

"Cool". Leon said. "We look awesome".

"Yeah". Chris replied. "Too bad we got so much work to do".

They hung their heads as they left the dressing room, but then they saw Sith soldiers starting to question the other workers, so they quickly ran back out the same way they came in.

"You think they saw us"? Chris asked.

"I hope not". Leon replied.

They kept running until they found a bunch of boxes to hide behind, and a few seconds later Liquid and Sam Jackson joined them.

"Uh... hi, guys". Chris said.

"I shoulda known". Liquid replied. "I shoulda known better than to let you two go off on your own".

"What's wrong"? Leon asked.

"What's wrong"? "You two look like the cast of F-Troop, that's what's wrong". "Notice how me and Sam blend in with our outfits"? "Now we're gonna be lucky if the Sith don't

His words stopped as a dozen Sith soldiers came out of nowhere, and surrounded them with pointed blaster rifles.

"Damn it". Liquid continued.

"Well what do we have here"? The closest Sith asked. "They told us to shoot anything that looks suspicious, and you don't get more suspicious than a cop, a construction worker, a cowboy, and a...

He just stopped mid-sentence as he took another look at them.

"Oh my God". He continued. "You guys are... are you guys... COME WITH US"!

The soldiers grabbed them, and they were forced farther down the hall where they were made to enter what seemed to be a night club with a sign over the door that read:

THE TOOL BOX

The soldiers shoved them past all of the leather-clad people in the club, and our heroes were pushed up on stage as one of the soldiers whispered something to the man in the DJ booth. A second later music started to play as a spotlight was put on them.

"What's going on"? Chris and Leon asked.

"I don't believe it". Liquid said. "Can they really think we're...

"Yeah they do". Sam Replied. "Now everyone follow my lead if you wanna live".

The music continued to play, and now everyone in the club was starting to dance.

"Young man". Sam sang. "There's a place you can go, I said young man, when you're short on your dough". "You can stay there and I'm sure you will find, many ways to have a good time". "It's fun to stay at the".

"Y.M.C.A.". They all sang.

"Its fun to stay at the".

"Y.M.C.A.".

"You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal, you can do whatever you feel".

"Young man". Liquid sang. "I was once in your shoes, I said I was down and out with the blues". "I felt no man cared if I were alive, I thought the whole world was so giant".

"That's when someone came up to me". Leon sang. "And said young man, take a walk up the street, there's a pace there called the Y.M.C.A. I'm sure they can help you today".

"Its fun to stay at the". Sam sang.

"Y.M.C.A.". Everyone sang.

"Just go to the".

"Y.M.C.A.".

"Young man, young man, there's no need to feel down". "Young man, young man pick yourself off the ground".

"Young man, are you listening to me"? Chris sang. "I said young man, what do you want to be"? "I said young man, you can make a million dreams, but you've got to know this one thing".

"Its fun to stay at the". Sam sang.

"Y.M.C.A.". Everyone sang.

"Its fun to stay at the".

"Y.M.C.A.".

The music stopped, and everyone cheered as our heroes left the stage.

"Village People"! Everyone cheered. "Village People"! "Village People"!

"Great they love us". Liquid said. "Now what do we do"?

"Hey, look over there". Sam replied as he pointed.

Everyone looked, and at the back of the club was another elevator.

"Come on"! Liquid yelled.

They ran for the elevator, and it was already on this floor, so they were able to get in quickly.

"Village People"! Everyone kept cheering as the door closed. "Village People"! "Village People"!


	69. Deck Two

Now on a different deck, Jill and Wesker were standing inside a chamber that seemed to be a kind of map room. They could see the entire layout of the Starforge, as well as the ever-growing Sith fleet that surrounded it.

"Its too bad the Republic fleet didn't come". Jill said. "Well, there was a single ship that was detected, but they ran away before anything could be done".

"Yeah, but that's fine". Wesker replied. "This just means that the fleet will be even more ridiculously overpowered when the final battle comes".

Suddenly the nearest door opened.

"Lord Wesker"! The green ranger yelled as he ran up to him. "Lord Wesker"!

"What is it this time"? He asked. "Have you come to tell me that our soldiers have captured the infiltrators, and that they are being butt-raped by grizzley bears as we speak"?

"Close, but um... not exactly". "Somehow the infiltrators have eluded the guards on deck one, but on the bright side the Village People gave one hell of a show at The Tool Box".

Wesker just stood there for a second.

"Hmm...". He said. "The awesomeness of the Village People aside, you just gave me some very bad news". "Now we all know that good news is handsomly rewarded, but bad news on the other hand is severly punished... so punch yourself in the balls".

The green ranger swallowed hard as he made a fist with his right hand, and held it out in front of himself.

"Oh, I almost forgot"! The green ranger yelled as he lowered his fist. "We were able to recover some of the video from when our soldiers shot up the docking bay".

He took a disc out of his pocket, and put into a slot on the mapping computer. This made the map of the Starforge change into a solid screen of static for a second before an image of the docking bay appeared.

The video showed four people hiding as the Sith soldiers came out of the elevator shooting.

"Stop there". Wesker ordered. "Zoom in on thoes four assholes".

The video stopped, and the image flashed a few times as it zoomed in and focused on the faces of what was left of the Ebon Hawk's crew.

"Revan"! Wesker yelled. "I figured as much...

"It looks like they took some losses". Jill replied. "I don't see the droids, Ada, Barry, or Ashley".

"Then who are those assholes with Revan"?

"That one right there is Leon... he's only a threat by accident, but when it happens it will be bad". "That is Samuel L. Jackson, he's some kind of a corrupt Jedi master or something, and that one is Liquid, I think you met him briefly on the Leviathan". "He's the one who killed Admiral Karath".

Wesker was silent as he kept looking at the image.

"Kill them". He ordered as he started to walk away. "I want you two to kill them before they can reach the command center". "Because that's where I'll be... where its safe".

He continued walking until he reached the other door, and then he was gone.

"Well, this shouldn't be too hard". Jill said. "So how do you wanna do this"?

"The direct approach is always best". The green ranger replied. "And I think I know some people who can make this even easier".

This time the elevator didn't take long to reach its destination, and when the door opened it was time for a second surprise...

The place was empty.

There were no guards, no droids, no security systems...

No nothing.

And except for the sound coming from newly constructed ships as they joined the fleet outside, it was completely silent.

"I don't like this". Liquid said as they stepped out of the elevator.

All of them waited for something to happen. An ambush, a death-trap, something...

But nothing did.

"Wow". Leon said. "Its almost like someone wants us to come through here without a fight".

"Or maybe they got scared and ran away". Chris suggested. "Because they realised who they were dealing with and they were like: we better run away before we get our asses kicked". "And we were like: yeah, that's right, bitches". "And they were

Suddenly Liquid stuck his foot out, making Chris stop talking as he hit the floor.

"You should be more careful". Liquid said. "Now get up, and keep walking".

Chris got up and followed them, but still nothing happened as they continued down the long passageway.

"This is getting stupid". Sam Jackson said. "I almost want something to happen just so we can break all the suspense".

But still they walked in silence.

Walking, walking, walking...

Walking, walking, walking...

And then they saw it.

"Thank God"! Leon yelled.

"What is it"? Chris asked.

"Who cares, this place was boring me to death"!

He took off running, and the others followed him as he entered a small side room. Inside was a whole lot of nothing, that is except for what looked like a big elaborate vending machine that sat in the corner.

"Awesome, I'm starving". Chris said as he walked up to it.

There was no way to see into the machine, so Chris pushed a random button, and was rewarded by a spring loaded boxing glove as it shot out of a compartment.

It struck him right in the face, making him fall on his ass as the vending machine came to life. Lights started blinking all over it, and once everything was on, the front of it opened to reveal the head of a droid.

"Hands off the merchandise". It said as Chris got up. "I don't give free samples, but if you got the credits I'm at your service". "So what can I get ya"?

"What do you got"? Liquid asked.

"I offer everything from high-tech armor, weapons, beverages, prostitutes, and now that I think of it there is one single free service that I provide". "I offer an instant costume change so that you guys don't have to walk around looking like the Village People".

(Costume change)

Suddenly everyone was wearing their old clothes again.

"That's amazing"! Liquid exclaimed. "They've even been dry cleaned"! "So... what kind of prostitutes do you got"?

"We don't have time for that, Liquid". Chris replied.

"The hell we don't". Sam Jackson said. "You heard him, what kind of prostitutes do you got"?

"As always we offer a full selection". The droid explained. "Our sex-droids are fully customizable with everything from hair color to facial features". "Or if you have a particular female in mind, we can easily meet your needs with the use of our memory scan".

"Wait a second". Liquid interupted. "Are you telling me that you can recreate any woman that I have ever seen"?

"Precisely... a quick scan, and there she is".

"So... if I wanted, say, the weather girl from channel fifty two... you could make that happen"?

"Of course". "You simply pay me five hundred credits, get a simple scan, and then you enter one of our love booths".

"Cool, I'm in".

He walked up to the machine, inserted the credit chip, and after a few flashes of light a door opened in the wall.

"Liquid, where do you keep getting these credits"? Leon asked.

"Duh". He replied. "Did you forget that I won the season opener on Tattooine"?

He started to walk toward the booth, but then he saw that the others were all hanging their heads.

"Damn it, you guys". Liquid said. "Your broke pittiful asses are gonna ruin my mood... so... everyone gets a booth... the machine will just bill me".

Everyone cheered as Liquid vanished into the booth, and they fought to be first in line at the vending machine until Sam Jackson got there.

"I want the mom from Growing Pains". He said. "I've been dreaming about that since I saw the episode where she was in the tub".

The scanner flashed a few times, and then Sam Jackson's tounge hung out as he ran into the booth.

"Next". The machine said.

"I want Ashley". Leon replied. "She thought it was funny abandoning us to run off with Dylan Hunt, but I'll get her in the end... literally".

As before the machine flashed, and then Leon ran into the booth.

"And how about you"? The machine asked.

"I want... Jill". He said.

The scanner flashed, and then as always the booth door opened.

Just like the others he hurried into the booth, but it seemed to be empty. There was no Jill... or anything else for that matter.

Thinking that there was some sort of mistake, he turned around to leave, but then the door slammed shut, leaving him in total darkness.

"Hello"? He asked.

Suddenly the floor dropped out from undreneath him, and he screamed as he started down what seemed to be an enormous twisty slide like you would find at a water-park. This went on for a few seconds, and then he could see again as he exited the slide, and fell into a large metal cage that was suspended in the air.

And everyone else was there too.

"I knew it"! Liquid yelled as Chris got up. "I knew it was too good to be true"! "God damn it, Chris, this is all your fault"!

"My fault"? Chris asked.

"Ah, so atleast you have enough guts to admit it". "However this does not change the fact that I tried to do something nice for you, and you get us stuck in a cage hovering over the Starforge's map room". "I outta...

He stopped talking as he looked down again, and saw the large Starforge map.

"Hey... we're at the map room". He continued. "That means that the command center can't be too far away".

"Who cares"? Sam Jackson sadly replied. "I was this close to fulfill a fantasy I've had since the eighties, and now its never gonna happen".

"Pull yourself together, man". "We all lost out on a fantasy today, not to mention two thousand credits... but now we are that much closer to the end of this, and we will finally be able to

"Die like the bitches you are"? A voice interupted.

Suddenly the bottom dropped out of the cage, and they screamed as they all ate the floor.

"What now"? Leon asked as he looked up.

Then he gasped as he saw the green ranger standing in front of the map computer... along with Jill who was on the other side of the room.

"So glad you could make it, Revan". Jill said as they got up. "It would have taken you atleast another hour to get hear on your own, but I knew that Liquid couldn't resist the old 'sex vending machine' trick".

"Damn, she's right". Liquid said. "But now that we're all here... we're gonna kick your ass".

"Oh really"? The green ranger asked. "Do you really think that you can beat both of us"? "Remember what happened last time you guys met me"? "And don't worry, Leon... my offer still stands if you wanna get out of this alive".

Leon cringed and quickly ran behind Liquid, making Jill and the green ranger laugh.

"Alright, I've hated the Power Rangers since ninty two". Liquid said. "You three go after Jill... I'll handle this douchebag".

Not wanting to argue, Sam, Chris, and Leon moved toward where Jill was standing, while Liquid stepped toward the green ranger.

"Well... you look like you might have some skill". He said. "This battle shall be truly epic, however it won't take long".

"No". Liquid replied. "I don't imagine it will".

"Some advice, Liquid... it would be better for you to just give up and let me kill you". "Because even if you somehow manage to survive thirty seconds with me... you're in alot of trouble".

Liquid took a look toward the others and saw that the battle with Jill had started. Then he turned back toward his opponent.

"You want an epic fight"? Liquid asked. "Then toss away your weapons and your shield".

Liquid then surprised the universe by tossing his lightsaber and a blaster pistol on the ground. Not to be outdone, the green ranger did the same thing as he dropped his sword before removing his gold shield and tossing it away.

"Very honorable of you". Liquid said once he was disarmed. "BUT FOOLISH"!

He then drew the other blaster pistol from behind his back, and shot the green ranger in the head before he could react in any way.

"And there you go". He said as the body collapsed. "Now to kill the other one".

He turned to join the fight against Jill, but instead recieved a boot to the face that sent him falling on his ass. He started to get up to face this new opponent, but got another kick to the face that put him right back down.

"I don't believe this". He said as he looked at his enemy. "Mio"?

"Believe it, Liquid". She replied as she took the camera obscura out from behind her back. "Remember this"?

Meanwhile the fight with Jill was not going so well.

Chris and Leon had been quickly dealt with, and now Sam Jackson was battling her with his lightsaber.

"You can never beat the darkside". She said as their blades clashed. "Your fate will be the same as the rest of the Jedi".

"Over my dead body". He replied as he pushed her back.

"Ok".

He swung his blade at her, but she moved to the side and quickly slashed him with both of hers. Then they just stood there for a second before he fell to the floor in four pieces.

"OH MY GOD"! Chris and Leon screamed.

"Not quite". Jill replied as she started toward them. "But thanks for the comparison... so... which of you wants to die next".

They quickly pointed at eachother, and then there was a thumping sound as Liquid hit the floor not too far away from them.

"Good job, Mio". Jill said.

"She beat Liquid"? Leon asked.

"Of course I did". Mio replied. "Don't you know that all beautiful asian women are masters of martial arts in the world of books and movies"?

"Damn, she's right". Chris said. "What do we do"?

"Nothing you can do". Jill replied. "Go ahead, Mio... hit them with your camera thing so that they can be rendered just as weak and helpless as Liquid".

"Come on, Jill... don't do this". "I know that deep down you are a servant of the light, and that the darkside can never corrupt you completely". "I know that you're really a good person, so please don't do this".

Jill just looked at him for a second, and then she burst out laughing.

"You're such an idiot, Revan". She said. "Mio, get them".

Mio raised the camera obscura, but Liquid kicked it upward just as she pushed the shutter button. This caused the flash to go off right in her face, and she screamed as she stumbled backwards right over the ledge that just happened to be there.

Her screams faded as she fell out of sight, and Jill just shook her head as Liquid tried to get up.

"Oh well". She said. "I guess that if you want something done right...

Without another word she used the force to throw Leon across the room, and then Liquid screamed as she sent him back to the floor with force lightning.

"Two down, Revan". She said as she turned toward Chris. "Now be amazed as I butt rape you with my lightsaber".

He leaped at him for the death blow, so Chris closed his eyes as he activated his own lightsaber...

And it got real quiet all of a sudden.

A second or two later Chris opened his eyes, and saw that Jill was no longer attacking...

In fact she was now laying on the floor in two pieces.

"What have I done"? He asked.

"You actually won a fight". Liquid gasped as he started to get up. "Bitch got what she deserved as far as I'm conserned".

"You saved us, Chris". Leon said as he walked over to them.

"But... I killed her". Chris sadly said.

"And she was gonna kill you". Liquid replied. "You did what you had to do to survive, now let's finish this before anything else fucked up happens".

He started toward the only other door, followed quickly by Leon. As for Chris he took one more look at Jill before he felt the anger start to build up inside himself like it had on the strange planet.

"Hurry up". Liquid said. "We don't have all

He was interupted as Chris grabbed both of them by the shirts, and lifted them off the ground, one with each hand.

"Alright you two cocksuckers, listen up". He said.

"Revan"? Liquid and Leon asked.

"That's LORD Revan to the likes of you". "Now here's what's gonna happen if you two don't wanna die right here and now". "You see, I want to retake the Starforge, and you assclowns are gonna help me". "Plus, if you act now in addition to sparing your lives... you shall be placed int high ranking positions within the Sith to replace those who have been dying lately". "Now doesn't that sound nice"?

"Sure".

He then tossed them aside, and a moment later they followed him as he went through the door.


	70. The Final Chapter

This door led them to yet another long hallway, and the only thing to do was walk to toward the other end where they would hopefully find Darth Wesker and finally put an end to all of this nonsense.

"Now when we get there". Chris said as they walked. "I want you two shitheads to cover the exits so that I will be uninterupted as I hand Wesker his own ass on a plate".

"You really think you can take him"? Leon asked.

Suddenly Chris backhanded him, and then shoved him up against the wall.

"How dare you question Lord Revan"? He demanded. "All you need to know is that I am the greatest and most powerful Sith lord to ever exsist, and that if you piss me off it might take even longer for the payrole department to get your direct deposit started". "Does that sound like something you want"?

Leon quickly shook his head.

"Good". Chris continued as he released Leon. "Because trying to get a paper check to the bank between the time you get off work and the time they close... you might as well try to wait in line at the D.M.V. without making an appointment first".

"Hey, Revan". Liquid said. "I got a question for you".

Suddenly Chris kicked him in the stomach, and put Liquid in the same hold that he used on Leon.

"I'll ask the questions around here, scumbag". Chris said. "And you better watch yourself, because I got a guy on the payrole who's only job is thinking of fucked up shit to do to people". "Now if you two ass-snorkles are done wasting time, I would like to deal with my former apprentice some time today".

He pushed Liquid away as he continued down the hall, and they followed him for aways until they finally came to a door.

It opened for Chris, and they walked into a very large room where Wesker was waiting for them.

"Remember". Chris said. "Nobody gets in here... and if he starts to win, shoot him".

He left Liquid and Leon watching the door as he walked across the room to face Wesker.

"Ah, Revan". Wesker said as he approached. "I see you've finally remembered your old self... good for you".

"Yes, good for me". Chris replied. "But bad news bears for you because not only am I gonna kick your ass for betraying me, but I'm also gonna take your mom out for a nice lobster dinner... AND THEN NEVER CALL HER AGAIN"!

Without warning Chris activated his lightsaber, and Wesker just barely managed to roll out of the way before his head got chopped off. He then activated his own lightsaber and the battle for domination of the Sith could truly begin.

"I gotta admit, Revan". Wesker said. "Part of me has always regretted betraying you from a distance, even though it was alot of fun to watch the Republic ambush your retarded ass". "But now I get the chance to prove once and for all that I am the true dark lord of the Sith".

"Dream on, Wesker". Chris replied. "Sure, you were strong enough to corrupt Jill and destroy the Jedi academy on Dantooine, which... was actually kinda cool... but I taught you everything you know, and school is back in session".

They ran at eachother and their lightsaber blades clashed as they jumped around in an attempt to out do eachother.

"Who do you think is gonna win"? Leon asked.

"I don't know". Liquid replied. "But I got this feeling that we will get executed no matter who it is... hey, there's an idea".

"What"?

"What if we just let them fight it out"? "When Chris reverts back into lord Revan he seems to be a pretty even match for Wesker... so... what if they completely wear eachother out, then we just kinda finish them off, and keep the Starforge for ourselves"?

"My God, that's brilliant... so what do we do"?

"Easy, we just wait for them to get tired".

But this was easier said than done, because neither Chris nor Wesker were showing any signs of fatigue as they continued their battle.

"The whole galaxy will be mine, Revan". Wesker said as their blades clashed. "I will destroy you and everyone else who dares to oppose me".

"You talk too much". Chris replied.

He then headbutted Wesker, and kicked him in the chest, making him stumble back into the wall. Chris went to slice him, but Wesker avoided it by leaping up onto the balcony that happened to be right above them.

Chris quickly followed, and was surprised when Wesker started to run away. This chase didn't last long however, since Wesker only went about fifteen feet, stopping in front of a machine that was covered by a large sheet.

"You might be strong, Revan". He said as he grabbed the sheet. "But behold the secret to my success".

He pulled the sheet, and it moved about a foot before getting hooked on part of the machine.

"Shit". Wesker said as he tried to free it. "Hold on a sec, I almost got it".

He got it free, and after getting stuck two more times Wesker whipped it off, revealing a seemingly dead guy floating in the energy field of the strange machine.

"What the hell is this"? Chris asked.

"This". Wesker explained. "Is why you can't win today, Revan". "You see, this person floating in the energy field is actually one of the Jedi from Dantooine". "What I do is place them in here and somehow the machine contains the last of their life energy instead of letting them become one with the force".

"So... how does that help you"?

"Simple, the energy is stored until I get defeated in battle, and then the energy is transfered into me so that I get revived at full strength". "So what do you think of that"?

Chris looked at the machine for a second, and then slashed it with his lightsaber, making the machine start to spark as the body was incinerated.

"Dick"! Wesker yelled. "That was a one-of-a-kind piece of technology"!

"Oh, my bad". Chris replied. "How ever will I make it up to you"? "I know... just to show that there's no hard feelings I'm gonna give you a quick death".

He raised his lightsaber for the death blow, but then the machine exploded, knocking Chris and Wesker on their asses.

Wesker quickly shook it off and jumped to his feet, but Chris was not so fortunate.

"Ow". He said as he rubbed his head. "Where am I"?

"What do you mean, where am I"? Wesker asked.

"Darth Wesker"? "Oh shit, guys its him"! "Guys"!... "Guys"? "Where is everyone"?

Wesker just stood there confused as all hell for a second, but then a strange thought dawned on him.

"Chris"? He asked.

"Yeah"? Chris replied.

A smirk slowly formed on Wesker's face, followed by a grin, and full out laughter as he kicked Chris in the side of the head and then grabbed him by the hair.

"So, you wanna be Revan, huh"? He asked as he made Chris stand up. "You think you're bad, huh"? "Well let's see how bad you are after I kick you in the nuts a few dozen times".

Chris screamed as the onslaut of nut-kicks began, and Liquid and Leon just stood there.

"So... is he Chris again"? Leon asked.

"Looks that way". Liquid replied.

"Aw, man, he's gettin his ass kicked".

"Yeah... and I feel just sick about it".

"Come on, we gotta help him".

Leon started forward, but Liquid grabbed him and pulled him back.

"I don't think so". Liquid said. "He ain't gettin no help this time".

"Why not"? Leon asked.

"Because he's a little cock... I mean... because this is a battle that he must face alone". "Yeah, that's it... the final battle of the quest, and all that".

"Oh... well, I guess he is the main character of this story after all".

"Exactly, so all we can do is watch... and man, I wish I had some popcorn".

"And this is for the Sith". Wesker said as he kept kicking Chris. "And this is for public television, and this is for thoes cocksuckers at the E.S.R.B., and this is for John Candy, and this is for that Stewart guy from Mad TV, and this is for the simple fact that I've run out of things to kick you for".

He kicked Chris in the nuts one more time just for good measure, then he gave him a melvin and a wedgie at the same time. This was followed by a pink belly, a titty twister, a snake bite, a hurtz-doughnut, a dirty sanchez (you really don't wanna know), a nuggie, a wet willie, a credit-card, a nose honk, a flat tire, and finally bitch slap.

This left Chris in some pretty sorry shape as Wesker pushed him over to the viewing window.

"I think that about covers it". He said. "I've inflicted every childhood torment on you that I can think of, and now I'm gonna top it all off by ramming my fist right through that vacuous chamber that keeps your ears apart".

He pulled back his fist and punched, but Chris screamed and ducked at the last second, causing Wesker's fist to punch right through the window. This caused a vacume as the whole chamber began to depressureize, but then the top half of Wesker's body got stuck in the hole, plugging it as his insides were pulled out through his eye sockets.

The battle was over.

"It's over"? Chris asked as he got up. "Its over"! "Hey guys, I won"! "I beat Darth Wesker"!

It took Liquid and Leon a second to reach him, but when they did all they could do was stare at Wesker's remains in disgust.

"What did you do to him"? Leon asked.

"You shoulda been there, Leon". Chris replied. "We were fighting and it was going pretty good too, but then he sucker-punched me like the little non skill having bitch he is". "So that's when I tossed the rules out the window and Darth Wesker along with them because that's how hardcore Jedi badasses like me roll".

"We saw the whole thing, Chris". Liquid replied. "You got your ass kicked, and you're only still alive right now because Wesker was slightly more of a fucking idiot than you are". "But on the bright side there is no way for you to kill us since you're Chris again, and now we got the Starforge to do with as we please".

Suddenly as if on cue the rest of Wesker's body got sucked through the hole, and everyone had to hold on as the vacume of space started to trash the room. Again this didn't last long since the emergency shutters were in good working order, giving our heroes a bit of a breather before the shutters were also ripped out into space, and the vacume started again.

"How the hell did that happen"? Leon yelled as they hung onto the hand rail.

Leon was right to be confused since the pull of space seemed to be much stronger that usual.

"Oh Shit"! Liquid yelled. "I forgot how close to the sun we are"!

"So what"? Chris yelled.

"So the vacume of space combined with the pull of the sun is gonna turn this whole station inside out"! "And us with it if we don't get outa here right now"!

There was an elevator at the end of the balcany, so our heroes did their best to move toward it while fighting against the vacume.

And it was getting worse.

Pieces of machienery were getting being ripped off their mounts, and even the door that they used to come in. The door was nice because it was bigger than the window, which halted the vacume, but then it collapsed, making the pull resume as they got to the elevator.

Liquid struggled to hold on to the rail as he pushed the button, and it was an even bigger battle to get in once the door opened.

Alarms were now going off, and they saw a few Sith soldiers get pulled out into space as the elevator door closed. The whole place was starting to shake as it started down toward the hanger bay, and now the lights were flickering.

"What is this, Air Fortress"? Liquid asked.

The shaking got worse as they went down, but then it stopped, and hope filled their bodies as they saw the Ebon Hawk still sitting where they left it.

"I can't believe it took us right back here". Liquid said as they stepped out. "Sure would have been nice to see this elevator when we first got here, huh"?

Now it was almost impossible to walk as the Starforge shook more and more, but somehow they made it to the boarding ramp just as the elevator door collapsed as it was pulled toward the hole. Again they had to fight the vacume, but this fight was ended once they were inside and the boarding ramp was sealed.

Liquid wasted no time in running to the cockpit, and the engines were already powering up as Chris and Leon joined him.

"Crap"! He said as he looked out. "The security shutters are still closed, and if we can't get out we're gonna fry to a crisp when the Starforge loses power and falls into the sun"!

All seemed lost, but then the shutters were ripped off by the vacume and pulled up the elevator shaft.

"That works". Liquid continued as he hit the gas.

The Ebon Hawk lifted off, and flew out of the Starforge just before it started to collapse in on itself. A few seconds later the whole station tilted sideways before falling into the sun which resulted in an explosion that was made bigger than physicaly possible, purely for dramatic effect.

The entire Sith fleet was wiped out in the blast, the Republic was saved, and it seemed that peace had been restored to the galaxy...

That is, until the next power hungry asshole tries to conquer it, but that's not important right now.

And as for the crew of the Ebon Hawk, they were now free of any obligation to the Republic or the Jedi, so the ship quickly entered hyperspace with a course set for their next adventure.

Either that or the Nar Shadda red-light district.

Hey, not every hero is pure.

THE END.


End file.
